Not Disney, but question for other parents

[RKC]

This actually has nothing to do with Disney, but I thought I could ask your opinions as parents.

Yesterday, at a Father's day family gathering my 22mo. old DS bit his 19mo old cousin on the arm. Twice. This is the 2nd time this has happened. The first was in Dec. My DS did go through a period were he bit other children for a few months last winter. It usually happened when he was cutting a tooth. Today I discovered he has a viral sore throat so I'm guessing that was the instigator of yesterday's incident. And while I'm embarrased and most certainly sorry that he bit his cousin, it is the reaction of his aunt , my SIL, that most concerns me.

My SIL and I were eating (I was actually talking about our upcoming Disney trip) when we heard a scream and then crying. And as any mother would do jumped up and went to investigate.
We found her DS and mine standing by the host's dog. Her DS was the one crying. My SIL said " What happened". My first concern was that the dog had snapped at "B"(my nephew) and "C"(my DS). After a quick check, I discovered decidedly human teeth marks on "B"'s forearm. (No skin was broken).
Thinking to reassure her that the dog had not hurt her DS, I said
"C" must have bitten him." She then turned on me and yelled, "Dammit, this is the second time this has happened . Ever since it happened in Dec. I've been uncomfotable having "C" around "B". " She then looked at my DS and said, " you little
f---ing brat."
She later appoligized to me. But I'm still upset over the wholr thing, to say nothing about my husband(whose family we were with). My DH is so upset that he doesn't want to go to family gatherings again for a while. Maybe we are just over reacting but I still can't get past th thought that when you are in a stressful situation you say what you think.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I'd like to hear your thoughts. Thanx.

 

[AspiringCindy]

First of all, your SIL should not be using foul language around tots. Secondly, you shouldn't feel uncomfortable at family gatherings. It might be teething pain or it can be the inability to express his anger through words(among other possibilities)in which case he will probably outgrow most causes of the biting. If you choose to go to family gatherings, I would monitor his behavior until no other incidences occur.

 

[RKC]

My huband and I are NOT upset at our son. He's not even 2 yet and these things do happen. Both he and my DD have been bitten by other children.
We ARE upset about my SIL's reaction. I guess my question is should we not be upset by this?? Are WE now over-reacting????

 

[Megan's Mom]

First of all you SIL is the one with the problem talking like that to a small child and to you. The thing that jumps out at me is that you son had not bitten anyone else in a while that leads me to think that the cousin did something first to instigate the problem. Kids will defend themselves any way that they can.

 

[AspiringCindy]

How has your relationship been with your SIL up to this point?
If you've gotten along great in the past, then maybe you are overreacting. I don't know how I would feel if I were in your shoes! Anyone else have an opinion to help RKC out?

 

[RKC]

I honestly think that he bit his cousin because he didn't feel good and his cousin got in his way. Not acceptable, but understandable for a very young child.
Aspiring Cindy, think about it this way, would you ever, under any circumstances, speak to a child in such a way? Granted we all may THINK things like this, but do you say it? And, actually my relationship with my SIL is/was pretty good, I thought.....which makes what she said all the more shocking to me.

 

[AspiringCindy]

I would never speak to a child in that manner,nor would I expect anyone to speak to my child in that manner. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that saying, "you f...ing brat was okay! It is NOT!

 

[tiggersmomof4]

As the mother of 4 DD's I was absolutely shocked to read what your SIL said to you and your son!! You are not over reacting! There is no excuse for her reaction and she owes you a MAJOR apology.

Everyone's children have either biten or been biten by other children. It is one way toddlers show their frustration (whatever the cause). Your SIL needs to lighten up...things happen, just wait til they get older and see what they get into!

I'm sorry she ruined your husband's father's day, but don't let her behavior keep you from your family celebrations.

Tracey

 

[Baloo]

RCK WELCOME to the DIS!

Wow! What a mouth on your SIL.To say that to a little child is just wrong.I do not like biting at all.My goddaughter bit EVERYONE,up until she was 6 ,and I think sometimes it was just plain meaness!( She's a whole other story! ) But NEVER,NEVER would I say something like that to her.

I wouldn't stay away from family gatherings.Little cousins fight,that's a fact of life. If you have a good relationship with your SIL I really think you need to tell her how her mouth upset you.Explain that your son was sick and stuff like this happens.That it's not the end of the world,he's not a little terriorist! He's a baby for heaven sakes and at 2 EVERYTHING goes in his mouth!You need to work this out so you feel comfortable together again...letting it go will only make things fester.Take it from someone who learned that the hard way.Try and talk it out!

Let us know how it goes!

 

[babyblues68]

Your NOT over reacting. Things like this are going to happen between children. THEY'RE CHILDREN!!! The problem lies with your SIL. If she has that quick of a temper to respond to a BABY that way she needs help. I wouldn't withdraw from the family just yet. If anyone says anything be truthful. If anyone should retreat it should be her being embarrassed of her behavior.

I would hate to think how she reacts to her own if her DS makes her mad. Definately don't leave her alone with your child.

I don't know if this is your first child, but always go on your gut feelings. They were put there for a purpose.

Tammy

 

[Disneygrl75]

First off, I would have to beat back the urge to slap anyone who talked to my child that way (the whole "lioness protecting her cubs" thing). I do not thing you should necessarily withdraw from the family (yet), but I do think you should not let SIL be around your DS. If she reacts this way to very typical behavior from a young toddler, I weep for her children (and their potential playmates) as they grow.

Colleen

 

[disneyjunkie]

I don't think what your SIL said to you was out of line, what she said to your son was.

I wouldn't stop going to family events, but I would keep a close eye on the kids if I were you. If I were your SIL, it would be very hard for me to leave the two kids alone. To be honest I'm not sure I'd want them to play together until I was sure your son was out of the biting stage.

I found it very hard to be understanding when my son was getting bit because another child was upset.


I don't think you're wrong to be upset about the way SIL spoke to your son. However I think she has a right to be upset about her child getting bit.

 

[MELSMICE]

I agree that she has a right to be upset because her child was bitten, any parent gets upset, hurt & angry when their child is hurt, but her reaction was uncalled for. There are other ways she could have handled the situation.

I wouldn't stop going to family gatherings, although they will probably be a little tense for a while. When you do go to them, try to keep the 2 toddlers apart if possible or if they are together, closely monitored.

My DD's were never biters, so I'm no expert, but I'm sure your DS will grow out of it eventually. It seems that all kids do. Good luck.

 

[RKC]

Thanx to everyone for your replies. I really needed to vent and you all allowed me a safe place to do that. And I do appreciate the advice about family gatherings. I'm not as inclined to avoid them as my husband is. I think he is also upset with the rest of his family(parents, other brothers and sister) for ignoring, and thus, in his mind condoning, her behavior. Actually I understand them, they don't want to get in the middle. That's fine.
I think we will probably not attend the next gathering( SIL's older son's B-day party) in 2 weeks, but after that I'm sure things will have settled down fine. HOWEVER, I don't think the relationship will ever be quite the same. These are the people who were supposed to take our kids in if (God forbid) anything were to happen to DH or I. I don't think I'm comfortable with that anymore.

ANYWAY..... Thanx again for allowing me to vent. BTW, Both my DS and my DD(4) have been bitten before, and while I was upset, I never got too worked up about it. Even when a little girl bit my DD(then @2) so hard that she broke skin , thru a sweater and long sleave shirt. I gave the mom a few dirty looks but that was it. And yes, it is frustating and embarrassing to be the parent, especially since I had assumed that he HAD "grown out of it". Well you Know what they say about assumming . Thanx again, Rachael

 

[ZPT1022]

Rachael,
I definitely think that your SIL overreacted. Must be nice to be the parent of perfect children who never step out of line My DD who is 23 months has been both bitten and the biter. While I wasn't happy that she got bit I accepted it as a risk we took when we took part in playgroup. When she went through a biting phase (yes, it's stopped!! ) I always felt so bad when she bit other kids, but I must say that the times when I noticed her actually doing the biting she was provoked. One time it was another child that hit her another time someone grabbed something away from her. While I'm not excusing the biting, it was definitely provoked, she didn't just go and do it, which made me feel a little better. It wouldn't surprise me to hear that the cousin was antagonizing your son first and your son, lacking the verbal responses to just say "Hey, you stink, leave me alone" like say, a 6 year old might have reacted in a way he knew would offend his cousin in return. If I were you I would skip out on the next family function or two and if anyone asks tell them you don't want your son to be put in that situation again. Maybe it is a personality clash since it has repeated itself? Only time will tell, good luck to you

 

[perpetualplanner]

Just my 2 cents worth but from my experience there are MUCH better ways of handling the situation than cursing at the child. A neighbor girl once scratched my 6 months old head so severly she had dug out skin and was bleeding several place on the scalp. I simply asked her what she had done "I petted him"; showed her how he was bleeding; and took her around the wrist and carried my baby down to show her mother. I never onced cursed her or her mother - what does that accomplish??

I would have to talk to SIL about it. She has to understand how you felt/feel before she can either change or choose not to.

 

[laurie31]

RKC wrote: These are the people who were supposed to take our kids in if (God forbid) anything were to happen to DH or I. I don't think I'm comfortable with that anymore.
--------------------------------

As well you shouldn't be! Run, don't walk, to change your will!! You don't want your child raised (in the event of the unthinkable) by someone who considers him a "brat" (and I won't even address the offensive adjective! )

You don't need to tell anyone you've changed the will. They're not going to find out anyway unless the unthinkable happens, and then they can't do anything about it.

BTW, every parent should have a will, if only to name their child's guardian if one or both parents die. Our lawyer told us that if one parent dies, their spouse is not guarenteed custody of the kids without a will, even if they were happily married! (I have no idea if this is true in all 50 states, though, or how things work outside the US )

Laurie
PS - good luck with SIL - maybe you could get her a book on child development for Christmas

 

[MomE@Home]

Your SIL should not have addressed your child in such a way no matter what happened ! I would do as others suggested and keep your distance from family functions for a while. I would also tell your SIL how her words made you feel (with your DH there with you) in a calm setting.
In mine & DH's Will we have his parents as legal guardians in case we both die. Our lawyer had us ask them first as he said you need permission from them to be legal guardians (in NY State). I would want to be asked beforehand even if it wasn't a legal requirement-what a shock it would be to have a lawyer come up to you at a funeral and say "In ____'s Will you were given custody of their children."!

 

[BibbidyBobbidyBoo]

I'm sorry- but I definitely do not think you are overreacting to be upset by the way she talked to your child. That was simply uncalled for and APPALLING behavior. He's 22mo old for chrissakes! I can't even see that being "acceptable" to say to ANY child- not even a teenager. Appalling... I'm shocked! And to think- that's her RELATIVE- not some stranger child that bit her child (and even then it wouldn't be acceptable behavior or language... I'm just saying she's supposed to LOVE that child.. more than a stranger's child).

ugh That is really sad that she would think that's acceptable behavior or that she loses her "cool" to even say that then apologize later. I'm not sure I would want to be around a person that could snap and talk to my child in that way. What a 22mo old does to another child is totally different than a grown woman behaving that way. I mean think about it- she expects a 22mo old to "behave properly" (ie: not biting her child) yet she can't control her OWN behavior and she's an ADULT? Sounds like a double standard to me.

Now I can understand being the mother lioness. I'm not only a mother of 3- but I'm a Leo. LOL Oh yeah, I can be protective of my children- but that is NOT, absolutely NOT, the way to handle it. And to tell you the truth- if I were here and really felt the way she said she's felt since he bit her child the first time, I would have kept myself close enough to my child to keep an eye on it to make sure I could intervene before it happened again! If she felt uncomfortable since the last bite- then why on earth wasn't she keeping close to her child to make sure it didn't happen again? That makes no sense to me.

I can't really tell you what to do about family get togethers and certainly don't want to condone "bad blood" between family- but if/when you are around them again, I would certainly keep a close eye on my own child just to make sure this "woman" (using that term loosely) didn't lose her cool with my child again! (there's the protective side of me coming out again). She certainly could have handled it better. You know if she'd said that about him to you in private- it probably would bother me a lot less. Because I would know that is just the mother hen venting out in anger about her child being hurt- but to say it to or in front of the BABY (and in my eyes 22mo old is still a baby) is ridiculous and she needs to learn some self control as an adult before expecting such self control from a 22mo old!

Definitely would be afraid to have this person as the person "set" to care for my child(ren) if something happened to me. Definitely would reconsider that. If she'll yell curse words at him in front of you- what would she do if she was the one that was his guardian with him 24/7 and he did something she didn't like? I shudder to think what she might do- with a temper like that!

 

[laurie31]

MomE@home wrote: I would want to be asked beforehand even if it wasn't a legal requirement-what a shock it would be to have a lawyer come up to you at a funeral and say "In ____'s Will you were given custody of their children."!

----------------

Just to clarify - I meant that the OP could select a new guardian without informing her SIL (no big scene of "I'm taking you out of my will!") I didn't mean she shouldn't ask the new person

Laurie
PS - BibbidyBobbidyBoo I agree completely! I don't even allow my kids to call each other such names! Words hurt, even when you're that little