no response to a birthday invitation

[Andy B]

My daughter's birthday is in a few weeks. She'll be turning 6, and currently is in kindergarten.

Last year, I sent out several invitations to her 5th birthday party, and received only one call back out of 15. I specifically asked the children's parents to RSVP. I was depressed and anxious. I swore I'd never plan another party again and put myself and my child through this.

We moved from NewYork a few years ago, and parents there are very interested in having their young children attend birthday parties. Not even receiving a response from any of the parents in our new town made me regret that we moved here. I even thought that maybe we were being shunned for being "New Yorkers".

I went to two other birthday parties this year, and both times, I was the only parent who called back (people suplimented with family). The mothers were also not "locals". (one from California, the other from Phil.) They were
confused as to why their invitation was ignored by the other parents.

Well, fast forward to this year. My mother got my daughter all hyped up on a party. I told her "you don't understand,these people don't think like us." My mother told me that I was wrong.

So, I planned a party, sent out invitations to all her classmates and guess what!?!? We've gotten no response! Not even a polite decline.

I wish I had followed my original plan of taking my daughter to American Girl in New York. I may have to after this disaster.

I won't plan another party next year.

What would make parents just ignore a child's birthday party invitation?

I don't understand

I think you may need to get things in proportion, depression is a clinical conditions and this is a little demeaning to them and as to disaster tell that to the people of Haiti

 

[emma'smom]

I see your point, but I've also heard from many folks whose kids are a bit older, that it gets harder to make adult friends once your kids get to the "drop-off" stage....that many of their adult-friendships were made when they were forced into socializing with other parents (who felt just as uncomfortable) at parties, play groups, on the sidelines at sporting events, etc.

It seems like these kinds of parties are the perfect chance to make new friends (although I fully admit feeling a bit out of place at first at some of these parties where many of the mommies seemed to run in the same clique that was different from mine).

However, I'll also add, that we're more likely to invite "new kids" to birthdays before play dates precisely because it takes a bit of the pressure off. If the play date is a dud (for kids or moms) then it is two hours of forcing small talk. In a party, there are more moms to spread out the conversation and the kids all at least have one thing in common---the birthday child.

I think in school situations when the kids are young, parents dismiss parties of kids they don't know. When parents have to bring the kids and sit there and no one talks to them for 2 hours - it not comfortable at all! And that happened to me at 2 parties already. So I admit, I won't take my kids to parties anymore if I don't know the kids or any parents. BUT, I do always RSVP and decline.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I've read (in those other threads, and elsewhere) that for some inexplicable reason, many people now think "RSVP" means 'just let us know if you're not coming'.

While I hate the idea of dumbing things down, maybe it'd be better to put on any invitations: "We need to know whether you're coming or not, by [date]"

 

[Lisa_M]

I've read many threads of this nature. Apparently expecting a response is only a Disboard member attribute. I threw a family party for my mom last year, remembered these threads and wrote on the invite, "Please respond by." No excuses for the folks who get confused by French terms. I still only got 5 responses out of 50! So I got on the phone and called to find out if they were coming or not.

So frustrating when it was a party for an adult, I can't imagine for a kid. That just stinks!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Around here parents only want to send their little ones to parties of the people they know.

Sorry for your dd.

 

[Lisa_M]

Around here parents only want to send their little ones to parties of the people they know.

Sorry for your dd.

I can understand that, buy why not respond?

 

[luvsJack]

One solution is to plan something small for X # of girls and then call each parent. (your dd could get their phone numbers) Just plan something special for her closest friends. For us it means that dd has the most important people with her and she knows ahead of time who is coming and isn't disappointed.

I had a parent that sent out invites that stated: Call xxx-xxxx and let us know you are coming or you won't have a spot on the team (it was at a laser gun party place but would work for other parties too) . She didn't get all the ones not coming to call but she said at least the ones who were coming called and that's what she planned for.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I just had DD's birthday party. For the first time ever, we had everyone RSVP. All but one RSVP'd in a timely manner. We had a pool party/slumber party at the local Ramada. Guess it was such a big hit that everyone wanted to come.

One girl told DD that she was coming on Tuesday before the party. Okay, the RSVP date was Wednesday but still every other parent had called or spoken to me personally long before than. No word from the this mother. I guess DD called her on it and said "Well it would be nice if your mother could call mine and let her know that you're coming." Out of the mouths of babes. I got a phone call 2 days later (less than 48 hours before the party) that she was coming.

Sorry you're dealing with this OP. We usually had half not attend and only a couple RSVP at all. Most don't RSVP. Some show up, some don't. If you don't hear from anyone, cancel the party and make the weekend special for your DD.

 

[Pikester]

I think you may need to get things in proportion, depression is a clinical conditions and this is a little demeaning to them and as to disaster tell that to the people of Haiti

I don't think it's very nice to diminish someone's feelings.

 

[MineMail]

While I agree that people from New York are more likely to attend a party, I don't think that NY'ers have particularly GOOD RSVP skills. We had many parties where we ended up calling everyone on the invitation list to see if they were coming. The NY excuse was "Oh, did it say RSVP? I thought it was 'regrets only.'" Yeah, right.

I also liked the trick of not giving the address and assuming those who didn't call were not coming. I haven't tried it yet, but it's a good idea.

However, I don't see why this would make you "angry and depressed." Rudeness is everywhere. I've planned weddings, baptisms, barbeques and many church functions. The responses are always awful unless there's an admission charge, lol. Maybe you meant the lack of interest in attending a birthday party? I know it's difficult to give up traditions, but here's an opportunity to gain new ones. I've been to many potluck suppers since I moved and honestly, I like it a lot more than spending big bucks for overpriced italian food. I get to try a lot of new dishes and show off my mad cooking skills, lol.

Whenever we plan a party away from home, we take our YES response count and lower it by 10% for the caterers. There's always someone who has to cancel at the last minute. (All right, they just don't show up, lol.)

Plan a family party and invite the friends to it as well to round out your guest list. Ask locals what they do for birthdays, maybe a big party isn't the norm in your area.

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

I think you may need to get things in proportion, depression is a clinical conditions and this is a little demeaning to them and as to disaster tell that to the people of Haiti

.. That was a figure of speech that she wrote

 

[mjkacmom]

This is a frequent topic here. Here is my BTDT advice - send out the invitations 1 1/2 weeks before the party, and include a telphone number and an email. Put the RSVP date 5 days before the party. Be prepared to call those who don't RSVP - 1/2 will say they are coming, 1/2 will decline. Then go buy the favors.

If you send out the invitations too far out, they will be forgotten. Sometimes kids don't show them to the parents. Just call.

Edited to add, a few weeks?! There is no way I'm responding to a childs birthday party more than a week in advance! Seriously, we get several invitations every month, and although we know how much children look forward to their parties, they are low on the ladder of our priorities, and there is no way I can say that one of our children will be free that far in advance. For example, lets say one of my bff's decides to have a family bbq next Saturday. I'd hate to have to decline because one of my 7 year olds has a 2 hour party we already RSVP'd yes to last month.

You are way too early to be depressed, and you did make the mistake of sending them out way too early. Again, you will have to make phone calls the week of the party.

 

[cybrkitn]

I'm sorry... I didn't realize this issue has been visited before.

The problem with parties in New York is often they were fill with parental competition----you had to do something bigger, better and more elaborate than the next parent. You should see what many people do for their daughter's 16th birthday!!! (It's like a wedding)

In my old neighborhood, there was an unspoken deal:your child goes to my child's party and my child will go to yours.



My daughters party is going to be a bowling party with pizza and french fries and cake and ice cream. What kid wouldn't like that?. Most of the parties are house parties here. In that regard, I am glad to be off the hook for having to come up with something spectacular.

So, I am thinking that a lot of this is geographical---when people do have parties, they invite only a few friends. Maybe people don't want to buy a gift for a strangers' child.

But to not respond at all?

I've had the same problem with getting responses for DS7's parties as well. We'll get a few responses, which is great. However, I do call those that haven't responded a few days prior to the cut-off date. In one case, the mother misplaced the invite and was very thankful that I called.

We've had DS's parties in our backyard up until 2007. Since 2008, we've been going out to places for his parties (less clean-up and stress that way).

The bowling party is a great idea. One of DS's classmates had done that one year b/c most of the class was involved in bowling with the school. They all loved it!

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I haven't experienced this bad behaviour & hadn't even heard of this happening until I read a few previous threads about it on this board.

The best recommendation I saw on this board was to not include the location of the party on the invitation. You then include a line about contacting you about the location & then the people who want to come will have to call you. A backdoor RSVP!!

Hope you get a good turn out for your daughter's party.

I disagree with this, only because the actual venue might determine a yes or a no. Sometimes our schedule dictates that a child might only be able to attend a party if it's at a drop-off location, like a person's home, rather than at a venue 30 minutes away. Parties tend to be on weekends, and our weekend schedules are INSANE!

 

[emma'smom]

See, I would prefer to receive them early so that I can get them on my calendar. That way if we get another invite later to a family thing, I can say "That sounds great, my dd has a party from 2-4, so can we do it afterward? or We'll be over right after we pick her up.!"

I guess we see party invites as part of our kid's social schedule, not just the back up plan if we don't have anything better going on. But we are the folks who delayed our departure for a 10-hour drive forThanksgiving from morning to afternoon so that dd4 could go to a tea party that most of the kids in her class had been invited to.

Edited to add, a few weeks?! There is no way I'm responding to a childs birthday party more than a week in advance! Seriously, we get several invitations every month, and although we know how much children look forward to their parties, they are low on the ladder of our priorities, and there is no way I can say that one of our children will be free that far in advance. For example, lets say one of my bff's decides to have a family bbq next Saturday. I'd hate to have to decline because one of my 7 year olds has a 2 hour party we already RSVP'd yes to last month.

You are way too early to be depressed, and you did make the mistake of sending them out way too early. Again, you will have to make phone calls the week of the party.

 

[mjkacmom]

See, I would prefer to receive them early so that I can get them on my calendar. That way if we get another invite later to a family thing, I can say "That sounds great, my dd has a party from 2-4, so can we do it afterward? or We'll be over right after we pick her up.!"

I guess we see party invites as part of our kid's social schedule, not just the back up plan if we don't have anything better going on. But we are the folks who delayed our departure for a 10-hour drive forThanksgiving from morning to afternoon so that dd4 could go to a tea party that most of the kids in her class had been invited to.

Since we have so many children, saying yes to a birthday party early on can ruin things for others. For example, we received an invitation for a party a month in advance for a boy in dd7's class, obviously sent to the whole class. However, lots of her friends were going, and she would've had a great time.

A few weeks before the party, a friend booked a block of rooms at the Great Wolf Lodge for a night, at an awesome rate. Turns out a lot of my kids' families were going to go. I RSVP'd no to the invite, and we had a great time at the GWL. If I had replied yes right away, all of my kids would've missed out on an event that they loved.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I disagree with this, only because the actual venue might determine a yes or a no. Sometimes our schedule dictates that a child might only be able to attend a party if it's at a drop-off location, like a person's home, rather than at a venue 30 minutes away. Parties tend to be on weekends, and our weekend schedules are INSANE!

But that's still a perfect situation for not providing the location!!! The parent of the invitee can call for the location, then decide (either immediately, or call back) whether the child can attend. It even gives the host parent the opportunity to get phone numbers, in case the parent doesn't call back.

 

[DizBelle]

I think you may need to get things in proportion, depression is a clinical conditions and this is a little demeaning to them and as to disaster tell that to the people of Haiti

Well, close the thread and shut down the boards. Apparently we can't discuss anything but medical conditions and natural disasters.

I'm sure you don't think the OP was indicating they had a medical condition or that their situation compared to what is going on in Haiti? Or do you?

 

[puffkin]

OP, I feel for you!

DS is just getting to the birthday party age and we have gotten a few invites at daycare. I have made sure to RSVP either way because I know how frustrating it is.

We are planning a Dino build-a-bear type party for him this year. I have to buy the kits weeks in advance....and they aren't cheap. I am inviting 12 kids and buying 10 kits. 4 of the kids are from his daycare so I am not sure if any will come or RSVP. The other 8 are family/close friends so those I can easily get a yes/no from (in the past they always come). I figure if we have a few extra spots I will just have my coworkers bring their kids over...I can invite them last minute. My son doesn't really know them, but at least the Dino's won't go to waste and the kids will have fun.

We could care less about gifts for DS, we just want the kids to have a good time!

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I'd call the parents and say that you're doing a last minute check because you need a head count.
In our area, for some reason, people thought they only had to respond if they weren't attending. We'd think no one would show up and everyone would! Now, the invitations have a regrets only phone number.