No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

[diznygirl]

I have never pushed them to go with us. In fact I hate when they come. My mother constantly complains and it's hard to satisify such a large group.

You hate it when they go with you, yet you pay so they can go with you. Are you some kind of masochist?


From now on, forget the trips and just keep in touch with them with phone calls.

 

[rie'smom]

OP, I hate to say it but your family is appalling. Do not do or offer one more thing for them. It's almost too much to believe that they would act this way. My first thought was around here the farmers burn sugar cane- what kind of grass do they burn around your family's town? Buy your sister a Coach purse? Only if you see donkeys flying. Your mom is not any better. Tell them all to take a long walk off a short pier.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Wow. I haven't read of all of the comments so I'm sorry if this was already mentioned, but I gotta say that I think moving might be the BEST thing you could have done.

I don't normally put down other people's families, because that's just not how I am. But yours sounds like a toxic bunch of people. They're using you, they're taking advantage of you, and they're trying to make you feel guilty for things that you should not feel guilty about.

That is NOT the way families should treat each other, and I kinda think your kids are better off not seeing them very often.

 

[3Minnies2Mickeys]

The love of your family should be something unconditional, not bought and paid for through free vacations. These are not the kind of family values that you want to pass on to your children and it looks like several of your children are old enough to realize what is going on. They will pick up on the tension even if they don't know the details.

Cancel the trip and reschedule it with just your husband and children. Enjoy spending time with them and let the rest of the family plan (and pay for) their own vacations. If you want your children to visit with them, plan a trip to the midwest to see them. It is a less stressful and cheaper alternative.

Your family is unbelievably ungrateful. They deserve what they get....nothing.

 

[horseshowmom]

OP, I agree with other posters who congratulated you on setting boundaries. Of course, your family isn't going to be too happy with the new you, but YOU will be a lot happier in the long run.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I'm sorry to say this, but your sister and mother are incredibly selfish. please don't buy the purse and quit giving them handouts. You are a grownup, and the fact that you moved away doesn't mean you must pay their way till the end of time. seriously, you've really got my blood boiling. They are majorly taking advantage of you and you are letting them. DO NOT BUY THE PURSE!!

I've put myself in another pickle with my family and would love some advice.

Quick backstory....We moved away from family because of a job transfer two years ago. Family was VERY unhappy with this decision, but it was for the best. We had lived in the South for over a decade and they lived in the Midwest which made get togethers easier. We would often meet at WDW or somewhere in between during vacations and holidays.


Last year as I was planning our annual trip to WDW I noticed that fares from their city to MCO were very reasonable. I offered to pay for their rooms at POP during free dining and offered to buy their airfare. Unfortunately it turned ugly when they refused to go on the cheaper flights out of their airport and insisted I buy them in another city so they could stretch their vacation with a visit to a casino. At first I refused and offered to give them the money of the cheaper fllight to go towards the more expensive one. I guess I need to point out that both my sisters and parents are financially comfortable. I posted a venting thread here and many posters told me to suck it up and pay.....so I did.


This year we are going to DL for a quick weekend to enjoy the Halloween decorations. This will be a budget trip, mostly to take advantage of our free Give a Day tickets. My parents expressed an interested in coming, but stated that a ticket to California was more expensive than going to Orlando and wanted us to change plans. Orlando was out of our budget, so learning the mistake from my past I told them I would pay $200 towards their plane ticket that would count for their anniversary and Christmas gift. That same day my sister called to see if that offer could be extended to her. I bent to the pressure and agreed.

Cutting to the chase....that sister decided she didn't want to leave her dog so she wasn't coming. She called a couple of days ago and told me that I could just paypal her the gift amount. I told her that the deal was for DL and I would just send her a nice Christmas gift when the time came. She got VERY angry at me and told me how I always offer stuff but when it comes time to hand it out I change my mind.

My mother then calls yesterday and tells me that she agrees with my sister and thinks things could easily be smoothed over if I go to the Coach website and buy her this $200 purse. She even tells me to grab a pencil so I can jot down the item number! I tell her that I NEVER planned to give her such an expensive gift. I only offered the money to get the family together. Now everyone is mad at me again.

So here I sit with the item number for this ugly purse. I don't want to bend to the pressure, but I don't want our DL trip to be ruined.

I would love some more advice. TIA

 

[Tinijocaro]

I was embarassed to share the whole story, but there is another issue. My other sister is coming to DL on the $200 offer deal. lol She flat out told me that the only reason she is going is because there are two hockey games in Anaheim that she can go to during our stay. So two out of our three days together she will leave the parks after lunch to go to these games.

She is also mad at me because she thought I was playing for her hotel room this vacation as well. When I told her that wasn't part of the deal she said she might not come either now. My kids would be so disappointed, so I told her that I would pay for her room if she allowed one of my kids to bunk with her. This would free up some space. She told me she had to think about it and hasn't talked to me since.

You are being a huge pushover-now you offer to pay for the hotel room. You really need to get some backbone and say no to them. Let them be mad at you-the nerve!!

 

[ilovepete]

Um wow. If my family treated me like this, I would see a whole lot less of them, if at all. That is terrible.

 

[N&B'smom]

Are you kidding me??? OP, are you serious? These are adults that are perfectly capable of paying for their own vacations. Stop offering to pay part of their way! If the flight is more than they can pay then too bad, looks like they won't be going! You don't have to solve their problem.

How incredibly tacky to tell someone they can just send you the money. What the heck!?!? And then to tell you that things can be smoothed over if you buy a specific purse?!?!?! Sounds like your mom got that info from your sis! T A C K Y!!!

 

[mdsoccermom]

Thanks for your responses. I've done a lot of thinking about this last night and this morning.

To answer a PP, we don't go to my hometown because we have serious issues with my other relatives. My mother does not understand how I'm uncomfortable around her siblings. They are addicts in constant tangles with the law. Our last trip was partically ugly because my drunk uncles kept saying nasty things about some of my children who are of a different race. So I haven't been "home" in several years.

The fact is we have all grown up and have different interests. These interest are so different that it is hard to create a trip that we all can be happy with. My parents are gamblers. The only happy vacation involves a slot machine. That's fine. We have met them in Vegas several times, but it's a waste when they will only meet us for meals. They won't go to attractions or the pool and my kids can't be on the casino floor.

My sister is a hockey freak. She sold her house because she couldn't afford her season tickets anymore. She has missed family moments, like funerals, because of this.

My other sister is a hermit. She would be called your typical cat lady, except she's a dog lover. Her favorite dog passed away a few months ago. Until then she never left her house unless my father stayed at her house. She told me she was comfortable boarding the other one, but changed her mind.

They think I"m a Disney addict. We did go to Disney twice a year when we lived within an easy drive of WDW. Now we only go once a year. This is why I always end up paying for something during their Disney trips with us. I have been doing it for years....tickets, hotels, etc. because they all say it would be easier for me to visit them back home, but since I insist they go to Disney I shold help pay for their expenses. I have never pushed them to go with us. In fact I hate when they come. My mother constantly complains and it's hard to satisify such a large group.

I'm going to pick up the phone and just admit that it might be best if the whole thing was canceled. They will all be very angry with me, but at least it will not spread into something worse during our trip. My kids don't need to witness any of this.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to express their view. I really appreciate it.

I'm seeing stuff in the tone of your posts that says to me that after this trip, you are still going to be a pushover. I hope I'm wrong.

For example, you say above your family says that since you go to Disney you should help pay for their expenses. Good grief. Just because they say that doesn't mean you have to do it.

You say you told your mother you will go dutch in the future. What exactly does that mean? You will still pay some of their expenses but not all? I personally think you need to be very firm with your family and say no more. You will not be paying anything anymore. If they want to see your kids, they can damn well find a way to do it. Planes, trains and automobiles run in two directions. You've enabled a monster situation and now you need to stop it in no uncertain terms.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Go into the bathroom, lift the lid to the toilet, toss the offending paper into the toilet and flush. Because they are treating you like CRAP.

I totally agree. I can't believe that they are treating you this way. I think it's time to stand your ground and stop buying them, ALL OF THEM, anything! Unreal! This is what happens when you try to do nice things for people and then they start expecting it. These people act like they are entitled to get something from you. Stop, NOW!!

Maybe you need to tell them how you feel about this and that they are taking advantage of you, because that's what is going on here.

 

[Planogirl]

Why are you paying for their vacations? I personally wouldn't even tell them when I was going.

 

[danalee]

I would print & copy this entire post, then send it to your family members...maybe a bunch of strangers telling them how incredibly rude, nasty and ungreatful they are "might" mean something, I doubt but someone should tell them~
I also would tell them vacation is off, talk to ya on Christmas! Then go on vacation with YOUR family, you know the ones who love you & appericate you just because your you, not for what you buy them

 

[DeniseinNS]

I would reschedule the trip and tell them that you have to cancel. Just go and don't tell them about it so you can enjoy the time with just your family and not have to worry about financing everyone else's vacations, take that money and spend it to stay for a few days extra with your hubby and kids.

 

[focusondisney]

OP, I'm glad to see you spoke with your mother. But I have a few thoughts:

1. I'm wondering why the only time your parents see your children is on an extended family vacation? Why don't they just came visit you @ home?

2. Of course they are comfortable financially: they are saving their money & getting a free ride from you. Meanwhile, you are spending thousands of dollars on them that should be going to your family: vacations, college costs, decreasing debt or saving for retirement.

3. Do you have any vacations with just your immediate family? I'm sure your children would love time with mom & dad, without the drama the extended family bring.

4. I did not see your previous thread. I never would have told you to give the parents money to fly from a different airport so they could go to a casino.

5. Your DH must be a saint to put up with this & foot the bill for it.

 

[tlbwriter]

These people are bullies and it's time you stood up to them.

 

[cm8]

Stop inviting them. Period. Be done with it. They've crossed the bounds one too many time. Give an inch to be nice and they've taken a greedy mile. Why in the world would you continue to put yourself through this? It must be guilt somewhere along the line. Learn to enjoy your own family time alone on vacations and rid yourself of this stress mess.

And then say a word of thanks that you live as far away from them as you do.

Been there, done that with my own family. No more. Can't do it.

agreed!! SMH, I thought that only happened in my family ,,,

 

[superme80]

So glad you are putting up boundaries. Stick to them. If need be have DH help you enforce them.

 

[bumbershoot]

Last year as I was planning our annual trip to WDW I noticed that fares from their city to MCO were very reasonable. I offered to pay for their rooms at POP during free dining and offered to buy their airfare. Unfortunately it turned ugly when they refused to go on the cheaper flights out of their airport and insisted I buy them in another city so they could stretch their vacation with a visit to a casino. At first I refused and offered to give them the money of the cheaper fllight to go towards the more expensive one. I guess I need to point out that both my sisters and parents are financially comfortable. I posted a venting thread here and many posters told me to suck it up and pay.....so I did.

I believe you, but it's still hard to believe that the Dis said to pay!

Question: Why are you not just visiting them in their home town? I understand feeling guilty that you moved, but I don't understand why the visits need to happen where they're convenient to you? That money would be much better spent if it were transporting you to them.

The OP answered, but it doesn't sound like this visit, at least, has been more convenient to them. After all, WA to CA isn't necessarily convenient. And it does always involve *everyone* traveling.

This is why I always end up paying for something during their Disney trips with us. I have been doing it for years....tickets, hotels, etc. because they all say it would be easier for me to visit them back home, but since I insist they go to Disney I shold help pay for their expenses.

Wowie. Since you *insist*...they could refuse to go to WDW, and only agree to visit your home. They could insist on visiting you up in WA, too! If they aren't getting anything out of Disney, they shouldn't go.

You say you told your mother you will go dutch in the future. What exactly does that mean?

Going Dutch means that each person/family unit pays for their own things. If on a date, going Dutch means that neither person pays for what the other person orders.



OP, I have a very generous brother and sister in law, I mean, VERY generous. They are like this to all family members, though, and I never ever insist on anything when I visit on their dime. I will take any flight they want to buy me, I will bend over backwards (to the point that it actually annoys them, so I've pulled back from doing that to that extent) to not be a burden to them when we visit on their invitation and airline ticket purchase...

I cannot even imagine saying to my sis in law "oh I can't come down for a visit, but can you take that money you were going to spend and by me the Dooney and Burke Disney purse instead?" Can't even fathom it!

 

[MoniqueU]

OMG finally someone with as messed up a family and the need to give and please people as I have!! I didn't think there was anyone else out there like me!! One year my cousin was over and I showed her what I got for my DD for her birthday, a tommy hilfiger outfit (this was before they had them at a discount) I showed her what I got her DD from Baby Gap a full outfit with hat and shoes and socks, not a super cheap gift at all. She told me she liked what I got my daughter better and that I needed to return the gift I bought her daughter and get her daughter the same tommy hilfiger. And you know what I DID!! Heck she could of exchanged her own darn stuff with the gift reciept!! But nope I like to please people and keep the peace. I think the only time I have ever said no to someone was when that same cousin called me up and asked me to buy her a matress and she would pay me back, I actually said no. She must of caught me on an off day as that is usually something I would do. I can't even tell you how many things and trips I have taken my mom on. Granted she does alot for me but were talking balcony suites on a cruise to hawaii complete with helicopter rides and 5 crowns in her mouth type stuff. The only place I haven't taken her is to Europe and I am sure she resents me for that. She gets kind of off her meds and everytime she does she tells us how much money we owe her and tells anyone who will listen that she was supporting us. One Christmas she went down to my grandparents and told them my husband bought beer instead of milk for our son. Luckily no one in my family listens to her any more but there isn't enough I can do for her in her mind. And I always do it too. And for my relatives and friends as well. I had one friend that I paid everything for. I think even tickets to NYC. I am not even certain if she paid me back for that. She said once she got a good teaching job she would take me to her favorite italian restaurant. Its been 3 years and I am still waiting for my invite. I took her out to eat several times a week and free trips to vegas and expensive gifts etc. I just LOVE to give. But at some point it beomes too much when only you are doing the giving and no one appreciates it and resents you for not doing more. I have finally distanced myself from my mom, dropped that freind and spend less time with my cousins. It has taken alot for me to do that. I now have a best friend that I have known for 11 years that pays her own way and even treats me sometimes despite being on alimony that has been reduced. Now she is someone I should give to who would appreciate it and she loves to give as much as I do!! I don't have siblings but if I had one like that I would cut the cord just like I have had to do with my own mom and several friends!! Seriously they are never going to change you have to.

There are some people out there that no matter what you do for them or how small they appreciate it forever. I give one of my cousins all my kids clothes and she goes on and on and on. She wanted to come stay with me but couldn't afford to come and I told her I would send her gas cards so she could afford the gas and pay her way while she was here. She decliined that even though I would of happily done it for someone that appreciated it and wanted to spend time with us. Her brother was killed in a horrible accident and rather then send flowers I maild a check to my cousin for funeral clothes for her kids. I don't know if that is what she used it on or to recoup her husbands time off of work or whatever but she was grateful and I felt good doing that rather then flowers. You don't always get burnt when you give but when you do and you are a giving person it stings. Hang in there.