No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

[pilotwife_02]

I agree with your DH...cancel the trip, but just their portion. It's unbelievable how they are treating you and I can't believe you would let them do this, guilt or not.

We live 500 miles away from family and I get the guilt about family not being close and how you feel bad for your kids, but at some point you have to get over that guilt and realize you can't make people want to spend time with you. My kids are still pretty young (3 and 4) but when they ask where nana and papa are, we tell them the truth. I'm not going to lie to them about it. Looks like your kids are old enough to be told the truth as well.

What I think worse than your sister's entitlement to the cash no matter what, was your mom agreeing with her and calling you to "demand" you get her a gift. Disgusting!

Please, please, please take some time from your family to reevaluate your relationship with them and set up some boundaries.

 

[Mommee]

Thanks, The kindness of the DIS is always amazing!

I know I only have myself to blame. My kids LOVE their grandparents and aunts and I feel guilty that they are not a part of their lives as much since our move.

I was embarassed to share the whole story, but there is another issue. My other sister is coming to DL on the $200 offer deal. lol She flat out told me that the only reason she is going is because there are two hockey games in Anaheim that she can go to during our stay. So two out of our three days together she will leave the parks after lunch to go to these games.

She is also mad at me because she thought I was playing for her hotel room this vacation as well. When I told her that wasn't part of the deal she said she might not come either now. My kids would be so disappointed, so I told her that I would pay for her room if she allowed one of my kids to bunk with her. This would free up some space. She told me she had to think about it and hasn't talked to me since.

My husband is angry over all the drama. He wants to show them all and cancel our trip all together. Of course I want to go to DL.

Question: Why are you not just visiting them in their home town? I understand feeling guilty that you moved, but I don't understand why the visits need to happen where they're convenient to you? That money would be much better spent if it were transporting you to them.

 

[holycow]

Tell them to take a fly leap the greedy beggars.


I wouldn't offer to do anything for them any more.

 

[sunnyday123]

They are taking complete and full advantage of you. Stop feeling guilty-you moved because it was good for your family, and they come first. Do not buy your sister that purse, and Do Not let them treat you this way any longer. I would tell 2nd sister your offer was to pay the $200 towards her flight, not her room and it's ok that she can't make it. Going forward, tell them this phrase, "We just don't have the funds right now" and use it often with them, because it doesn't sound like they are appreciate of what you do for them. They don't want to see you they just want the free vacation.

I don't recall seeing your other thread, because I would not have told you to "suck it up"and pay for the money grubbing leeches AT ALL.

 

[DawnCt1]

I agree with everyone else here, but my question is truly why you are asking on the DIS boards again when you didn't really like the advice you were given the first time but followed??

Some people just need more affirmation that they aren't being the "greedy, selfish, self centered brats" that their actually greedy, selfish and self centered family is attempting to make them out to be. She has been more generous than she should have been.

 

[The Orchid]

Dear Abby would say....People can only take advantage of you if you let them.

Sounds like your family likes to take advantage of your generosity and it's time to put a stop to it. They are completely out of line. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

[tripletots]

You have five kids! AND your going to have four kids in college at the same time. You don't need me to tell you college is expensive. Even though it may seem like college is really far away. It's not. The first of my five just started college. And his school raised their tuition 24% for this year. Lucky us.

Forget about paying your families way on vacation. They can take care of themselves. Take that money you give them and put it away for your kids college education. That $200 will buy one to one and a half textbooks. That's today's dollar.

 

[Gigi22]

Gosh--I understand that you want to be close to your family, and that there might be a little lingering guilt due to your move. But, that was 10 years ago! Are you supposed to crawl back to them over broken glass every time you want to see them?You moved away, and everyone moved on. It sounds as though your DM and your DSis have developed some peculiar sort of co-dependency thing (or dare I say, some entitlement issues), but--it is so not your problem!

Phone them up, and tell them your family is going to Disney, and that you are no longer paying for them to go. I would also tell them that they blew it, and you are through allowing them to take advantage of you!

 

[SalandJeff]

Wow! I had to read this twice, OP. I cannot believe your family would, firstly, ask you to pay any part of their trip if they are financially comfortable, and secondly, think you should give them the money anyway if they don't go on the trip.

They are taking advantage of you, and not to offend, but they are selfish, spoiled, and rude.

Not only would I not send the money, but I would not offer to pay any part of their trips in the future. If you are going to DL or WDW (and you feel like having them on the same trip ), I would just tell them and if they want in, they can pay their own way. If you can afford it and want to be generous, pick up the tab for dinner at a nice restaurant while you are there.

You are entitled to trips with just your immediate family, as well. Next time you want a nice relaxing trip with just your own family, tell them right before your trip and nicely explain you wanted some time with your spouse/kids, etc.

Don't feel guilty - you are entitled to live your life with your family and spend your money on your family.

 

[mickeysgal]

Don't feel guilty - you are entitled to live your life with your family and spend your money on your family.

I suspect the OP feels some guilt over having to move away due to her DH's job. And that her family gave her grief over it. And then capitalized on it by taking advantage of the OP's mixture of generosity & guilt.

We moved away from family due to my husband's job. He had been downsized and we had to go where the job was offered. Family didn't see it that way. They only saw it from their perspective. Didn't offer support just criticism. In retrospect, it was hands-down the healthiest thing we've ever done for our family. Sometimes families can be toxic, too negative and interferring. Distance can be your friend with families like this.

OP - let go of your guilt that seems to be driving this. Let go of trying to win them over by paying their way. They are totally in leach mode and not in family appreciation/enjoyment mode. The sooner you set your boundaries with them, the more peace you'll have and they'll stop using you so much. I feel bad for you. Their connection to you has become all about what they can get out of you, rather than preserving what you wish to be: a connected, happy family. Sometimes, I've learned, that no matter how hard I try, certain family members just aren't capable of doing the right thing and I will not have that perfect extended family that I think others have. Hard to accept, I know, but it is the reality of it all.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your family is a bunch of ingrates and I wouldn't pay for anything for them anymore.

They are also rude.

 

[horseshowmom]

I know I only have myself to blame. My kids LOVE their grandparents and aunts and I feel guilty that they are not a part of their lives as much since our move.

I think the move was a blessing in disguise. You don't really want your children growing up with the values that these people are modeling, do you?

My husband is angry over all the drama. He wants to show them all and cancel our trip all together. Of course I want to go to DL.

Your husband is 100% correct on this one. Cancel the trip altogether, and don't plan anymore with your family. What little benefits there are sure aren't worth the cost (and I don't mean just money).

I know you said that your kids love to be with the grandparents & their aunt, but you are basically paying them to spend time with your kids. I agree with pp saying that you, DH & your kids should go alone.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Thanks for your responses. I've done a lot of thinking about this last night and this morning.

To answer a PP, we don't go to my hometown because we have serious issues with my other relatives. My mother does not understand how I'm uncomfortable around her siblings. They are addicts in constant tangles with the law. Our last trip was partically ugly because my drunk uncles kept saying nasty things about some of my children who are of a different race. So I haven't been "home" in several years.

The fact is we have all grown up and have different interests. These interest are so different that it is hard to create a trip that we all can be happy with. My parents are gamblers. The only happy vacation involves a slot machine. That's fine. We have met them in Vegas several times, but it's a waste when they will only meet us for meals. They won't go to attractions or the pool and my kids can't be on the casino floor.

My sister is a hockey freak. She sold her house because she couldn't afford her season tickets anymore. She has missed family moments, like funerals, because of this.

My other sister is a hermit. She would be called your typical cat lady, except she's a dog lover. Her favorite dog passed away a few months ago. Until then she never left her house unless my father stayed at her house. She told me she was comfortable boarding the other one, but changed her mind.

They think I"m a Disney addict. We did go to Disney twice a year when we lived within an easy drive of WDW. Now we only go once a year. This is why I always end up paying for something during their Disney trips with us. I have been doing it for years....tickets, hotels, etc. because they all say it would be easier for me to visit them back home, but since I insist they go to Disney I shold help pay for their expenses. I have never pushed them to go with us. In fact I hate when they come. My mother constantly complains and it's hard to satisify such a large group.

I'm going to pick up the phone and just admit that it might be best if the whole thing was canceled. They will all be very angry with me, but at least it will not spread into something worse during our trip. My kids don't need to witness any of this.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to express their view. I really appreciate it.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

I'm going to pick up the phone and just admit that it might be best if the whole thing was canceled. They will all be very angry with me, but at least it will not spread into something worse during our trip. My kids don't need to witness any of this.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to express their view. I really appreciate it.

I do agree that you should cancel them coming, but I cannot see any reason why you and your immediate family cannot go. If you, your husband and your children enjoy it... go and have a fun time! Your parents or siblings do not have to go on the trip with you and they need to just get over it.

 

[DawnCt1]

I'm going to pick up the phone and just admit that it might be best if the whole thing was canceled. They will all be very angry with me, but at least it will not spread into something worse during our trip. My kids don't need to witness any of this.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to express their view. I really appreciate it.

Let me just make one suggestion here, or maybe two. Eliminate the word "might". It gives them wiggle room to extract more goodies from you that NONE of them deserve. ENJOY the trip with your immediate family and never invite them again.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Just got off the phone. My parents say they already bought their airfare, so they are going regardless. I haven't talked to my sister yet.

I told my mother that I didn't appreciate her getting in between my sister and me. She agreed and dropped the subject. She sounded completely different and seemed very excited about the trip.

I'm going to contact my sister and tell her I'm not going to pay for her purse. My other sister can pay for her hotel.

I told my mother that we just need to go dutch in the future for everything. I think that's the best policy for all.

Thanks again!

 

[mickeysgal]

Just got off the phone. My parents say they already bought their airfare, so they are going regardless. I haven't talked to my sister yet.

I told my mother that I didn't appreciate her getting in between my sister and me. She agreed and dropped the subject. She sounded completely different and seemed very excited about the trip.

I'm going to contact my sister and tell her I'm not going to pay for her purse. My other sister can pay for her hotel.
I told my mother that we just need to go dutch in the future for everything. I think that's the best policy for all.
Thanks again!

Applause, applause. You set boundaries. Good for you!

 

[disykat]

I know you said that your kids love to be with the grandparents & their aunt, but you are basically paying them to spend time with your kids. !

I thought the same thing. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. I hope it all works out in the end. Just keep remembering that it's great to want to get the family together, but it doesn't mean you have to ruin your family vacations and pay for theirs.

 

[pilotwife_02]

Just got off the phone. My parents say they already bought their airfare, so they are going regardless. I haven't talked to my sister yet.

I told my mother that I didn't appreciate her getting in between my sister and me. She agreed and dropped the subject. She sounded completely different and seemed very excited about the trip.

I'm going to contact my sister and tell her I'm not going to pay for her purse. My other sister can pay for her hotel.

I told my mother that we just need to go dutch in the future for everything. I think that's the best policy for all.

Thanks again!

Good for you! Good luck with the calls to your sisters!

 

[Buckalew11]

I think your family is a bunch of ingrates and I wouldn't pay for anything for them anymore.

They are also rude.

Glad to see you spoke with your mom. Keep your boundaries set. Even during your trip.

Good luck with the sisters. I have 2 sisters--we do not treat each other like this. One lives here and one lives away. The sister who lives away owes nobody anything. Please get that thought out of your head!


Buying your sister a purse to makeup for a trip she decided not to do is nuts...so is the thought of even giving her that amount of money. Whacked, actually.

Do NOT offer any more deals such as this--it just causes trouble and makes those people feel entitled to it.They are not.

Sounds like you do have addiction tendencies in your family! But, I don't think your addiction is as much to Disney as much as it is to People Pleasing.
Please, for the good of your family and your sanity, please stop or get some help with telling them "no".