No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

[It'sWDW4me]

I think you should listen to your DH on this, cancel.

Yeah, it sounds like DH may be reaching the limit of his patience with your family mooching off of you. I'd rebook for another time and omit the ungrateful entourage. You may be amazed at how much fun you have when you leave the drama kings and queens behind. Good luck!

 

[ksjayhawks]

Stop paying their way. You said that they are comfortably off, so they can afford the tickets if they really, really want to get together with your family and see you. But why should they when you cave at the least little bit of pressure?

You moved away because it was the best thing to do for your family--your immediate family. It happens all the time in this day and age. While it is sad that you aren't close enough to get together as often, the whole family could still be saving for a joint vacation somewhere. Do not let them make you feel guilty about this.

Quit being their meal ticket for vacations. Sounds like they don't appreciate what you do offer them and always want more--and you give in! Remember that "No" is a complete sentence.

I would think what your sisters are doing would be a real eye-opener for you. One sis is only coming to go to hockey games, so spending time with your kids is high on her list, isn't it? DO NOT pay for her hotel room. If she can afford to leave and go to the games, she can afford the hotel room. The other sis can't leave her dog so seeing your kids is high on her list also, isn't it? But she wants the money or a $200 coach purse--sounds like blackmail to me. Tell her--and your mom-- "no, that isn't possible" over and over and over again. Do not say anymore than that! I like the idea of flushing the paper with the item number down the toilet--or else tearing it into tiny little shreds and tossing it in the trash, where it belongs.

Use the money you would spend on their flights, rooms, etc and have a great vacation! Put the money where it will be used the best--towards your immediate family. With the money you will save by not paying their way, you can possibly do another smaller vacation as well!

I would cancel them joining you right now. Call them and tell them "Our plans have changed, so we won't be taking the trip as planned. Hope to see you soon." Do not be drawn into a question and answer session. Then go on your trip (your plans did change as they are not going with you) or take it another week if you need to. Enjoy your trip with your family--your immediate family without all of the drama.

If parents and sisters ask when you are going to give them a trip, tell them "the trip was a one time offer." Then bean dip and move on. Repeat this all of the time. If they want you to pay for their tickets to come out to visit you--after all you had offered them the money to go to DL, "That is not possible for us to do." No further explanation necessary. Again, repeat every time!

Get into the mindset that whenever you use your family money to pay them to come on trips, you are taking that money away from something fun you could be doing with your kids! Practice these phrases with your dh--sounds like he will be a great one to help toughen you up in dealing with your parents and sisters.

 

[dislaney]

It sounds like you have been more than generous with your family. They are flat out taking advantage of you. They can only take advantage if you let them. I think at this point you have to decide whether to stop letting them take advantage of you or continue being used by your family. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[jsmith]

Grow a spine-for goodness sake. you said this would be a "budget" trip? how is coughing up 1000 dollars for OTHER peroples airfare "budget". Especially since 1) from what you say they can afford to pay for themselves 2) They are selfish and unreasonable 3) its unlikely that they would help YOU pay for a vacation.
Cancel or reschedule-do not tell them when you are going-just go with your DH and your kids. Put the money you would spend on them in your childrens college fund.
You say you do this because you feel guilty that your children arent getting to spend time with familly-but kids are not blind or niave-they know you are being used by your family.

 

[mickeysgal]

I will tell you this. The older you get the less family crap you tend to put up with but it's harder to put the new rules into place. I did this for years. Catered left and right to my family. No more. They don't like it. They talk about it, but we finally have peace in my house. I had to learn to set boundaries with them and you need to too - and the sooner the better. All you're doing is buying their time and their supposed affection to your kids. Let me tell you, if they wanted to be there for your kids they would. They'd find a way. Without you having to pay for it.

Put the money that you would have spent on them toward another vacation or the kid's college fund. Retrain your family now. It's only going to get worse and you need to come to grips with it and do something different. It's not working the way it is now.

It's hard, but for your sake, your husband's sake, and your kid's sake you can do it!

 

[mrsksomeday]

I know I only have myself to blame. My kids LOVE their grandparents and aunts and I feel guilty that they are not a part of their lives as much since our move.

I was embarassed to share the whole story, but there is another issue. My other sister is coming to DL on the $200 offer deal. lol She flat out told me that the only reason she is going is because there are two hockey games in Anaheim that she can go to during our stay. So two out of our three days together she will leave the parks after lunch to go to these games.

She is also mad at me because she thought I was playing for her hotel room this vacation as well. When I told her that wasn't part of the deal she said she might not come either now. My kids would be so disappointed, so I told her that I would pay for her room if she allowed one of my kids to bunk with her. This would free up some space. She told me she had to think about it and hasn't talked to me since.

My husband is angry over all the drama. He wants to show them all and cancel our trip all together. Of course I want to go to DL.

It is time to let go of the guilt of the move. You did what was best for YOUR family (DH and children). It is time to look out for them and them only since the only way the extended family will spend time with you is if they are paid to do so. What is that teaching your children? ​

You are allowing your family to run completely over you. Do you want your kids to let people treat them like that when they grow up? Be a role model to them. ​

My opinion, if it was me, I would cancel the vacation....for the extended family, I would tell each and every one of them how spoiled and rude they were being and let them know they were UNINVITED and that I would not talk to them again until they apologized for the way they treated me. ​

 

[starann]

HUGS. I too have a drama filled family and one of the best things that could have happened is we stopped talking. Don't get me wrong, I miss them and the good times, but I REALLY don't miss all the drama!

I have a sister who only calls me when she needs something, usually a ride to the store as she doesn't drive. I wouldn't mind as much if she called me other times, but she doesn't. Only hear from her when she needs something. A few weeks ago she called me to tell me *I* HAD to go on the internet and look up places for her to get her cats spayed/neutered since I have a computer and the internet (she could have this too, but she chooses to smoke and get her nails done rather than get the internet). Let alone I work a FT job and a PT job (she does not work at all) and when I'm on the computer I am not wanting to get on for her! Last time I checked they still made these thick, yellow books that had phone numbers and addresses listed, they even put them into alphabetical order!!!!!


So I hear ya....no advice, just hugs!

 

[jam217]

I agree with all the others and your DH. You need to stop paying for their vacations. They are definitely taking advantage of you.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

Think of it this way, OP: If I had a coupon for a free ticket with an airline, would I be able to walk into the Coach store with it and say, I'd like to redeem this for a free bag?

I think you've got an amazing, generous heart -- but you're being taken advantage of. If you still feel like you want to give to your family in the future, here's what I'd do: I'd make up my own coupon for whatever the offer is -- airfare, park tix, hotel, whatever. Make it specific. Write on the coupon "Offer only valid for <whatever>. No substitutions are accepted. Offer expires on <date>." And don't forget to add a customer service number if they want to complain or make changes: 1-800-NOTGONNAHAPPEN.

 

[golfgal]

Do you really want to be around, and have your kids around, people that only want to be with you as long as you give them money, nice presents and pay for their vacations? Would you put up with friends that do stuff like this??

 

[superme80]

Your family is unbelievable! Even my husband was shocked! He agrees with DH and cancel the trip and reschedule for just your family. And I agree with PP, do you want your kids to be bowing to the whims of others? Stand up for your family. It will teach your children healthy boundaries and how to set them. I know it is easier said than done.

 

[hentob]

I offered to pay for their rooms at POP during free dining and offered to buy their airfare. Unfortunately it turned ugly when they refused to go on the cheaper flights out of their airport and insisted I buy them in another city so they could stretch their vacation with a visit to a casino.

Wow. I wouldn't even want to get together with these people. How awful

Time to reevaluate your relationship with these folks They treat you like trash

 

[shortbun]

I read your post and thought you MUST be punking us. Tell them the deal was for travel to meet as a family and nothing more. Do not offer again; they don't appreciate you. We can not choose our family but we CAN choose to associate with them. And here's my knee jerk reaction: I can not believe you didn't hang up on both of them. They should be ashamed of themselves.

 

[lisajl]

May I join your family? Geesh! I wish someone in our family would offer such wonderful things to us. You should just go to DL and have a great time...I am sure you love your family but it sounds like they are taking advantage of the situation.

 

[Mimi1965]

Why do you keep letting your Mom and sisiter USE you?
Stop the free trips NOW-or you will be giving to these freeloaders forever

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

the only part of the vacation i would cancel is their INVITATION. i would still go and i would enjoy myself, possibly calling them several times thoughout to keep them up to date on the fun, but thats me. i might even buy the bag and carry it myself next time you see the sister, send her a THANK YOU for getting you the link, it's "just what you have been looking for."
seriously i would un-invite them, your DH is right.

 

[dimimi]

I have an easy solution....adopt my family! We would be THRILLED with your offers!

Seriously, you offer to give them $200 towards a plane tickets , she can't come but wants you to paypal you the money or buy her a Coach purse....It's so absurd it's funny! I wish you could send her the responses you received here.

You mentioned that you family had the money to pay for these trips on their own. Perhaps you and your husband are a lot more financially secure than the rest of your family, but they really are taking advantage of you. I can't believe they would ask you to pay for their room!

Good Luck!

 

[lovemygoofy]

My first question is WHY?? Why are you letting your family take advantage of you and why are you paying them to spend time with you???

I know you want to spend time with your family and you want them to spend time with you but they should want to not demand you pay for them to go on vacation. I could understand if they could not afford anything and maybe once a year but there's no way I would do it more than that and no one sure as heck isn't going to dictate how and what I give and pitch a hissy if they don't like it.

Please stand up for yourself. If your family wants to be with you, make them make an effort. Stop letting your heart be hurt with your kindness.

 

[Lionqueen2]

I agree with your husband. I would cancel the trip and reschedule with only my husband and kids.

 

[HerdOHuds]

I agree with everyone else here, but my question is truly why you are asking on the DIS boards again when you didn't really like the advice you were given the first time but followed??