No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

[Halloweenqueen]

I've put myself in another pickle with my family and would love some advice.

Quick backstory....We moved away from family because of a job transfer two years ago. Family was VERY unhappy with this decision, but it was for the best. We had lived in the South for over a decade and they lived in the Midwest which made get togethers easier. We would often meet at WDW or somewhere in between during vacations and holidays.


Last year as I was planning our annual trip to WDW I noticed that fares from their city to MCO were very reasonable. I offered to pay for their rooms at POP during free dining and offered to buy their airfare. Unfortunately it turned ugly when they refused to go on the cheaper flights out of their airport and insisted I buy them in another city so they could stretch their vacation with a visit to a casino. At first I refused and offered to give them the money of the cheaper fllight to go towards the more expensive one. I guess I need to point out that both my sisters and parents are financially comfortable. I posted a venting thread here and many posters told me to suck it up and pay.....so I did.


This year we are going to DL for a quick weekend to enjoy the Halloween decorations. This will be a budget trip, mostly to take advantage of our free Give a Day tickets. My parents expressed an interested in coming, but stated that a ticket to California was more expensive than going to Orlando and wanted us to change plans. Orlando was out of our budget, so learning the mistake from my past I told them I would pay $200 towards their plane ticket that would count for their anniversary and Christmas gift. That same day my sister called to see if that offer could be extended to her. I bent to the pressure and agreed.

Cutting to the chase....that sister decided she didn't want to leave her dog so she wasn't coming. She called a couple of days ago and told me that I could just paypal her the gift amount. I told her that the deal was for DL and I would just send her a nice Christmas gift when the time came. She got VERY angry at me and told me how I always offer stuff but when it comes time to hand it out I change my mind.

My mother then calls yesterday and tells me that she agrees with my sister and thinks things could easily be smoothed over if I go to the Coach website and buy her this $200 purse. She even tells me to grab a pencil so I can jot down the item number! I tell her that I NEVER planned to give her such an expensive gift. I only offered the money to get the family together. Now everyone is mad at me again.

So here I sit with the item number for this ugly purse. I don't want to bend to the pressure, but I don't want our DL trip to be ruined.

I would love some more advice. TIA

 

[MELSMICE]

Well, this is easier for me to say than I'm sure it would be for you to do, but......

You have given more than enough of yourself & your finances already. Stand your ground, don't given in to any more pressure & from this point forward no more monetary help so they can join you on vacations. It sounds like it is more frustration, disappointment & stress for you than it's worth.

They should not expect these from you. You are being bullied in to giving them things. It should stop now.

 

[mickeysgal]

Stop inviting them. Period. Be done with it. They've crossed the bounds one too many time. Give an inch to be nice and they've taken a greedy mile. Why in the world would you continue to put yourself through this? It must be guilt somewhere along the line. Learn to enjoy your own family time alone on vacations and rid yourself of this stress mess.

And then say a word of thanks that you live as far away from them as you do.

Been there, done that with my own family. No more. Can't do it.

 

[sms]

Take the money and buy yourself a nice coach bag. Just sayin!

JK. Don't let them take advantage of your big heart anymore! Go to DL and enjoy your trip!

 

[chamonix]

Don't bother buying her the purse if you don't want to, your sister won't stay mad at you for long......she'll want back on that gravy train ASAP.

Honestly, I can't believe you let them treat you like that and you cave in to their demands for money!

I do, however, understand loving your family and wanting them to love you back, so I have certainly made some of those same mistakes. I finally gave up when I realized no matter what I did it would never be enough. For me, it wasn't monetary....and I'm wondering, if they are as financially comfortable as you say, why you offer them money to spend time with you if they can afford to come on their own dime?

Sounds like you need to suck it up, go visit them and learn how to say no about those forced visits to other relatives when you are there. Generally speaking, it sounds like your main problem is just basically learning to say no to your relatives and having boundaries.

 

[Hutchy]

There is absolutely NO WAY IN THIS WORLD I would buy her a coach bag. You offered the money so she could come vacation with you, not as a free hand out or a crazy expensive gift. She sounds super selfish. From this point on let everyone pay their own way and spend your money on your husband and kids.

 

[tonilea]

Go into the bathroom, lift the lid to the toilet, toss the offending paper into the toilet and flush. Because they are treating you like CRAP.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

Dear gravy have you got an entitled sis!! So she horns in on your offer to your parents, decides she doesn't want the offer, but expects you to pay her off? That's kind of like the uninvited party guest (friend of a friend who heard you were having a party) who found out that you were serving hamburgers instead of lobster, decided they'd rather have lobster, and now expect you to pick up the tab at 'Chez Mer' when they were never invited to your party to begin with! WTH?!?!

I would continue to remind dear sis that the $200 offer was only good toward airfare to DL to be with family. Repeat, repeat, repeat - to her, mom, dad, whomever else tries to guilt you into spending that crazy of an amount on a Christmas gift. She will continue to take advantage of you only as long as you let her.

 

[java]

Huh? I can't believe what I am reading. They are telling you what you should be doing with your money?

We can't pick our family. BUT you can limit your interaction with them. No more offers for trips. You don't have to foot the bill for everyone. And buy your sister a coach bag because she chose to not go along- um what??

Here is a saying that my friend has posted in her house
You get what you get and you don't get upset.

 

[mickeysgal]

She will continue to take advantage of you only as long as you let her.

I was going to respond (again!) to say this very thing. It's only happening because it's been allowed. They have no respect for you and are stepping all over you and your generosity. Use the money you would have funneled toward them and use it for another vacation with your own family.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I've put myself in another pickle with my family and would love some advice.

Quick backstory....We moved away from family because of a job transfer two years ago. Family was VERY unhappy with this decision, but it was for the best. We had lived in the South for over a decade and they lived in the Midwest which made get togethers easier. We would often meet at WDW or somewhere in between during vacations and holidays.


Last year as I was planning our annual trip to WDW I noticed that fares from their city to MCO were very reasonable. I offered to pay for their rooms at POP during free dining and offered to buy their airfare. Unfortunately it turned ugly when they refused to go on the cheaper flights out of their airport and insisted I buy them in another city so they could stretch their vacation with a visit to a casino. At first I refused and offered to give them the money of the cheaper fllight to go towards the more expensive one. I guess I need to point out that both my sisters and parents are financially comfortable. I posted a venting thread here and many posters told me to suck it up and pay.....so I did.


This year we are going to DL for a quick weekend to enjoy the Halloween decorations. This will be a budget trip, mostly to take advantage of our free Give a Day tickets. My parents expressed an interested in coming, but stated that a ticket to California was more expensive than going to Orlando and wanted us to change plans. Orlando was out of our budget, so learning the mistake from my past I told them I would pay $200 towards their plane ticket that would count for their anniversary and Christmas gift. That same day my sister called to see if that offer could be extended to her. I bent to the pressure and agreed.

Cutting to the chase....that sister decided she didn't want to leave her dog so she wasn't coming. She called a couple of days ago and told me that I could just paypal her the gift amount. I told her that the deal was for DL and I would just send her a nice Christmas gift when the time came. She got VERY angry at me and told me how I always offer stuff but when it comes time to hand it out I change my mind.

My mother then calls yesterday and tells me that she agrees with my sister and thinks things could easily be smoothed over if I go to the Coach website and buy her this $200 purse. She even tells me to grab a pencil so I can jot down the item number! I tell her that I NEVER planned to give her such an expensive gift. I only offered the money to get the family together. Now everyone is mad at me again.

So here I sit with the item number for this ugly purse. I don't want to bend to the pressure, but I don't want our DL trip to be ruined.

I would love some more advice. TIA

If my sister told me to paypal her money, I'd hang up the phone. She can wait until Christmas for a gift and at the rate she's going, she'd be lucky if I sent her a cheap coach knock off. They are being greedy, you are the one being generous and you can set whatever parameters you want on the gift.

$200 towards plane tickets for a family vacation is a very generous gift. If you continually cave in to their ridiculous demands they will keep expecting it. They are clearly not appreciative, give them what YOU want, not what they demand.

 

[LoriABil]

I agree with all of the previous posts! Do not buy the purse. Period. You can buy her a nice gift when the time comes. And you don't owe an explaination, but if you feel you must, just tell her that it's not in the budget. Maybe you could buy her a gift card that is in the budget for the Coach store instead.

 

[MK2thcleaner]

I agree with the PP. Your sister has some big brass ones to ask you to extend the offer to her, and then they grew a few inches when she asked you to just send her the cash. OH H NO!

I realize it's family, but you should cut all financial subsidies for travel. They can either get there on their own, or not come at all. I also think it's pretty ridiculous that your mother is siding with your sister.

Don't back down or you will forever be the doormat.

 

[Hannathy]

Go to DL with your family ( I mean you and DH and kids) enjoy your trip and when Xmas rolls around send sister what ever gift you want to,anything but that purse. She sounds like a spoiled brat and is not your responsibility, stop being an enabler. If your Mom and Dad till plan on gong send them the 200 but if they aren't then do the same as for your sister send them a gift of your choosing at Christmas.

Do not beat yourself up over this. You are being incredibly generous and they are being obnoxious and greedy. Stop now you are a grown up with a family of your own to think of first. They will get over it and if they don't it was just a matter of time until they found something else to be mad about.

 

[heatherwillmom]

And I thought my family was bad! I think that everyone should pay for their own vacation. If Dh & I want to go somewhere, we pay our own way as I would expect everyone else to do. Not only would I not give in to their damands, I would tell them that they aren't welcome to go! They are treating you, someone who obviously has a good heart, like CRAP. I can't believe that you have paid so much in the past already. Remember, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Thanks, The kindness of the DIS is always amazing!

I know I only have myself to blame. My kids LOVE their grandparents and aunts and I feel guilty that they are not a part of their lives as much since our move.

I was embarassed to share the whole story, but there is another issue. My other sister is coming to DL on the $200 offer deal. lol She flat out told me that the only reason she is going is because there are two hockey games in Anaheim that she can go to during our stay. So two out of our three days together she will leave the parks after lunch to go to these games.

She is also mad at me because she thought I was playing for her hotel room this vacation as well. When I told her that wasn't part of the deal she said she might not come either now. My kids would be so disappointed, so I told her that I would pay for her room if she allowed one of my kids to bunk with her. This would free up some space. She told me she had to think about it and hasn't talked to me since.

My husband is angry over all the drama. He wants to show them all and cancel our trip all together. Of course I want to go to DL.

 

[tonilea]

I think your DH is right, cancel the whole darn thing. Then take your kids the next week or something. They may love their aunts and grands, but it won't take them long to pick up on ill will and them taking advantage of you.

 

[redlight]

I think your DH is right, cancel the whole darn thing. Then take your kids the next week or something. They may love their aunts and grands, but it won't take them long to pick up on ill will and them taking advantage of you.

Good advice.

 

[heatherwillmom]

I know you said that your kids love to be with the grandparents & their aunt, but you are basically paying them to spend time with your kids. I agree with pp saying that you, DH & your kids should go alone.
As far as the Coach bag for your sister, I would go to the Coach store, take a picture of the bag & wrap it up for her for Christmas!

 

[palmtreegirl]

I think your DH is right, cancel the whole darn thing. Then take your kids the next week or something. They may love their aunts and grands, but it won't take them long to pick up on ill will and them taking advantage of you.

I think you should listen to your DH on this, cancel.