No gift on Mom's day?

[FreshTressa]

I think a lot of it is temperment. Of course parenting is important, but some kids, even with the best of parenting, are going to have issues. Just as other kids, even with terrible parenting turn out okay.

Those parents who say their kids NEVER yell at them have kids that don't yell and have more agreeable temperments. When people say their kids are the way they are exclusively by parenting, I think they are giving themselves too much credit.

There always have been and always will be difficult kids. Even in the 'old days'.

My DD would never dream of yelling at me.....but it is her temperment. She is agreeable and wants to please. She was born that way. DS tests me once in a while, and always gets punished. He feels the need to try my authority once in a while. He never succeeds, but he does challenge occassionally. I believe it is in his temperment.

Of course, parenting plays a strong role, and you have a much better chance of success if you are firm and consistant, like the previous poster described. But, firm and consistant does not guarantee good behavior.

 

[new_mouser]

It is so bad with her that she will not even shut off her computer if I tell her too. She just screams and tells me to get out of her room.

Wow, if I ever did that, I would come home from school the next day to find my computer unplugged and hidden away somewhere. Come to think of it, not really a bad idea. And if she had homework, make her do it the old-fashioned way ... by hand.

I'm not sure if I would cancel a Sweet 16 party, but I would postpone it until she had repented of her ways and performed a fair amount of "community service" toward the household (i.e., all of your daily household chores).

 

[Marseeya]

I think a lot of it is temperment. Of course parenting is important, but some kids, even with the best of parenting, are going to have issues. Just as other kids, even with terrible parenting turn out okay.

Those parents who say their kids NEVER yell at them have kids that don't yell and have more agreeable temperments. When people say their kids are the way they are exclusively by parenting, I think they are giving themselves too much credit.
There always have been and always will be difficult kids. Even in the 'old days'.

My DD would never dream of yelling at me.....but it is her temperment. She is agreeable and wants to please. She was born that way. DS tests me once in a while, and always gets punished. He feels the need to try my authority once in a while. He never succeeds, but he does challenge occassionally. I believe it is in his temperment.

Of course, parenting plays a strong role, and you have a much better chance of success if you are firm and consistant, like the previous poster described. But, firm and consistant does not guarantee good behavior.

AMEN Sister!

I'm sure some of the posters here probably don't mean it that way, but it's so discouraging to hear the "MY child would never do that because I'd' never allow it" line.

I think they need to count their blessings and be grateful that they have a child with a good temperament rather than being so sure of their own parenting skills. I'd like to give them a summer with my DS.

Anyone? This summer? PLEASE!!! June 2nd to August 21st works for me.

 

[ceiligh1]

My son is not yet one and some of the parenting post scare me with what is headed our way.

That said I think that you should cancel the party and call the parents of the friends who were invited and tell them why it was canceled. The reason I feel this way is that growing up my little sister was like your DD.
She would scream I hate you, would hit and punch my parents, take money from my moms purse ect. she even threatened to call children services when my mother would not get her something she wanted. She did not grow out of it.

She is 25 and when she visits at home she orders my parents around, telling them what to eat, what to watch on tv, what to listen on the radio in the car, you get the idea. There was no punishments for her, no one told her that this was not ok to act this way. She has friends and does not do this to them to our knowledge just the family. It angers my DH to no end as he wants to defend my parents but they dont want him to get involved.

I am not saying I was perfect I am sure I had my moments, but I feel if you let your DD get away with disrespecting you repeatedly she will learn that it is ok.

I feel that friends will call you on your actions when they are not correct, family should as well, it is one of the ways we learn how to play well with others.

GOod luck I am sure that it is hard to deal with but I am sure you are a good mother and you care about how her actions effect others.

 

[suevee]

I haven't read all the posts here so someone may have suggested this - on Mother's Day give your daughter a great big hug and thank her for the most wonderful gift she has given you. When she asks "What gift?" Just tell her SHE is the most wonderful gift in the world, even if she right now she is brain dead and won't recover her balance until she grows up. You still love her anyway and wouldn't trade her for the world!!!

My mother always said girls became brain dead around 12/13 and their brains didn't wake up again until after 24. After three daughters and reviewing my own teens, I believe her!! My mom died last year and I am now grandmother of three. I have three daughters, and the stories I could tell would do justice to a soap opera!!!

All my girls turned out fine, but....when they said "I hate you" I said "That's okay because I love you and someday you will love me again." Again, from my mother....

 

[hentob]

All my girls turned out fine, but....when they said "I hate you" I said "That's okay because I love you and someday you will love me again." Again, from my mother....

But I don't understand? How does a child get to the point of saying "I hate you"? I would have NEVER said that to my parents. Never. At what point does a child feel "brave" enough to even utter those words?

How does it get that out of control?

 

[Marseeya]

But I don't understand? How does a child get to the point of saying "I hate you"? I would have NEVER said that to my parents. Never. At what point does a child feel "brave" enough to even utter those words?

How does it get that out of control?

Mine said it as a 3-year old. Do you honestly think I haven't tried every consequence I could think of between the ages of 3 and 15? I long for the simplicity of those days when he'd at least follow up with a hug a few hours later. Now when he says he hates me, he means it and there are no soft words to follow.

Now I'm the same parent to my DD, and she'd never dream of saying anything like that.

How do you explain that I'm parenting two different kids with two entirely different results?

 

[mickeyfan2]

Mine said it as a 3-year old. Do you honestly think I haven't tried every consequence I could think of between the ages of 3 and 15? I long for the simplicity of those days when he'd at least follow up with a hug a few hours later. Now when he says he hates me, he means it and there are no soft words to follow.

Now I'm the same parent to my DD, and she'd never dream of saying anything like that.

How do you explain that I'm parenting two different kids with two entirely different results?

They are just two very different kids and nothing you could do to change that.

Now my cousin's kid would say to adults "I hate you and I wish you were never born." They would laugh because it was so cute for a 6 year old to say. Well as you can guess, he has no friends and most of the relative only tolerate him. His cousins won't play with him. So this kid is a product of poor parenting (as is his older brother), but some kids are just that way no matter what you do as a parent.

 

[horseshowmom]

I am not the person you posted the above in response to , but I also have children (teens) who would never dream of "screaming" at me. Sure they get angry - everyone does. Maybe it's example - when I get angry I don't scream at them. And I make it clear that I, as a parent, deserve the same respect. We have open communication. They are encouraged to express their feelings in words and present their side in a rational way. When they were toddlers, and pitched a fit on the floor because they wanted something, that behavior was NEVER rewarded. I suppose we taught them that nothing good comes from being a butt.

I think you explained it very well. DH and I don't yell at each other either. You can be unhappy (angry) about something without acting out. You don't do that with a boss or a teacher or a friend, and I (as a family member) expect to be treated at least as well as you'd treat one of those.

I agree that you have to start when they're young (as you said, toddlers).

One more thing, my SIL (DH's sister) has five children who are all as different as night and day. She's raised hers pretty much like we've raised ours. Only one of them ever screamed anything at them (and that was just once).

She was probably a college junior, and they were disagreeing about something. She got loud and unpleasant and used some profanity. Her father stopped her right there. He told her that he was paying for the car she was driving as well as the insurance, her cell phone, the clothes she was wearing, etc. and listed several other things he paid for.

He told her that she was out of her mind if she thought she was going to talk to him that way in his own house. At that point, she said that she'd just leave. He told her that if she wanted to leave she would be doing it on foot and in her underwear, because she wouldn't be taking the car he was paying for, the cell phone, or the clothes. He loved her, but he would not put up with her disrespect, and she caught on very quickly. That was the last time it happened.

BTW, she later came to him and apologized for her behavior.

 

[poohandwendy]

After reading the OPs subsequent post, I think the DD needs a wake up call. Her behavior is beyond moodiness and definitely disrespectful. I would cancel the birthday plans until she can treat her family members with respect. The computer would be the first thing to go, JMO

 

[The Mystery Machine]

But I don't understand? How does a child get to the point of saying "I hate you"? I would have NEVER said that to my parents. Never. At what point does a child feel "brave" enough to even utter those words?

How does it get that out of control?

I think it boils down to this....

Did you respect your parents? I know I didn't and still don't. Pretty easy to utter those words as teen in my house.

 

[C.Ann]

Sorry, but I'm from the "old school" - giving and receiving respect is a two-way street and certainly one that should be learned by the age of 16 - regardless of the "poor hormonal, confused teens of today"..

There would be no party for her and no gifts - with a proper explanation why coming from you and your DH..

I've always been a firm believer in "natural consequences" and when someone (anyone) tells me that they "hate me" just a few days before their birthday, the "natural consequnece" would be absolutely NOTHING for their birthday..

 

[MAKmom]

That's a tough one.

If it was my daughter, I'd probably sit her down at the kitchen table and tell her (in the third person, as if you are talking about someone else) "As a parent, I have this situation: my daughter who is irritated with me has said she won't acknowledge Mother's Day on Sunday. Now, that puts me in an odd situation because it just so happens that I'm also irritated with her behavior - as a mother, should I refuse to acknowledge her birthday?" and see what she says.

It probably hasn't even occured to her that the situations are similar.

I'd follow with "if I acknowledge the birthday, what am I teaching my daughter, that it is ok to be self absorbed? What do you think?What would you do, as a mother, if you were in this exact situation?"

Regardless of how you handle Sunday, remember you are the parent and whatever you do should be in the best interest of the child - independent of your feelings at the moment.

You should do this ASAP. If she is still being a BRAT about last week in the car you need to knock her down a few pegs. I don't believe parents need to win every battle with a child but you must be treated with the respect you deserve. You cleaned the poop off that girls butt for 2 1/2 years.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I think you explained it very well. DH and I don't yell at each other either. You can be unhappy (angry) about something without acting out. You don't do that with a boss or a teacher or a friend, and I (as a family member) expect to be treated at least as well as you'd treat one of those.

I agree that you have to start when they're young (as you said, toddlers).

One more thing, my SIL (DH's sister) has five children who are all as different as night and day. She's raised hers pretty much like we've raised ours. Only one of them ever screamed anything at them (and that was just once).

She was probably a college junior, and they were disagreeing about something. She got loud and unpleasant and used some profanity. Her father stopped her right there. He told her that he was paying for the car she was driving as well as the insurance, her cell phone, the clothes she was wearing, etc. and listed several other things he paid for.

He told her that she was out of her mind if she thought she was going to talk to him that way in his own house. At that point, she said that she'd just leave. He told her that if she wanted to leave she would be doing it on foot and in her underwear, because she wouldn't be taking the car he was paying for, the cell phone, or the clothes. He loved her, but he would not put up with her disrespect, and she caught on very quickly. That was the last time it happened.

BTW, she later came to him and apologized for her behavior.

Still curious about how the child behaves when angry. Does she calmly, rationally explain that she is upset and why? And then what?

Seriously, my kids are good kids. Never rewarded as toddlers for fits (though I only had two of the four as toddlers, and only one was prone to fits, lucky me!), super-good until about 15 or 16. Even now there are only outbursts every once in a while.

But there are outbursts!

I REALLY want to know what your kids do when angry, and how you handle it. I think I could benefit, because I've got two more to go through the teens. As of now they're angelic, well behaved young people. It's the next few years where I know they'll get funky. I'd love to figure out how to make them never cause me grief!

 

[horseshowmom]

Still curious about how the child behaves when angry. Does she calmly, rationally explain that she is upset and why? And then what?

Seriously, my kids are good kids. Never rewarded as toddlers for fits (though I only had two of the four as toddlers, and only one was prone to fits, lucky me!), super-good until about 15 or 16. Even now there are only outbursts every once in a while.

But there are outbursts!

I REALLY want to know what your kids do when angry, and how you handle it. I think I could benefit, because I've got two more to go through the teens. As of now they're angelic, well behaved young people. It's the next few years where I know they'll get funky. I'd love to figure out how to make them never cause me grief!

Well, for starters, she's not perfect, and she's definitely not always happy with us. Of course, I'm not perfect either, and I like to remind myself of that.

As Puffy2 said, we discuss whatever the issue is as much as we can, but at a certain point, we may just have to agree to disagree. As the parent, I (and her dad) have sometimes had the unhappy task of having to say no to something she wants. She hasn't always been happy with the end result, and we may find something to do that doesn't include each other for awhile . For example, she may go to her room for awhile, talk to friends, she may go ride her horses for awhile, or she may just go sit in the backyard.

I don't expect her to "act" like everything is wonderful when it's not. I just expect her to choose her words carefully (as I said before, self control is an important skill to learn). As Puffy2 said, I treat her the same way. I don't scream at her or belittle her in any way and never have. She's welcome to tell me that she thinks I'm wrong (and has done so many times), but again, it should be done respectfully.

Previously, I talked about the horse show that we left early. I can assure you that she wasn't happy then and expressed her opinion, but she did not yell, scream, or do so in a disrespectful manner. Through the years it has been reinforced that not only will that not get you anywhere, it will make the problem worse. I've always told her that she has the right to express her own opinion and have feelings about things that are different than what I may think - that's normal and to be expected, but she doesn't have the right to be disrespectful (just like I don't have that right).

She's not a quiet little shrinking violet - quite the contrary. When she was little, we used to say that it was a good thing God gave her to somebody who would make her behave, otherwise she would have been a holy terrror. She's bullheaded and strong willed (and her dad says that she takes after me ), but that's not an excuse to misbehave. (Hey, if I can't use it as an excuse, neither can she! )

 

[poohandwendy]

Well, for starters, she's not perfect, and she's definitely not always happy with us. Of course, I'm not perfect either, and I like to remind myself of that.

As Puffy2 said, we discuss whatever the issue is as much as we can, but at a certain point, we may just have to agree to disagree. As the parent, I (and her dad) have sometimes had the unhappy task of having to say no to something she wants. She hasn't always been happy with the end result, and we may find something to do that doesn't include each other for awhile . For example, she may go to her room for awhile, talk to friends, she may go ride her horses for awhile, or she may just go sit in the backyard.

I don't expect her to "act" like everything is wonderful when it's not. I just expect her to choose her words carefully (as I said before, self control is an important skill to learn). As Puffy2 said, I treat her the same way. I don't scream at her or belittle her in any way and never have. She's welcome to tell me that she thinks I'm wrong (and has done so many times), but again, it done respectfully.

Previously, I talked about the horse show that we left early. I can assure you that she wasn't happy then and expressed her opinion, but she did not yell, scream, or do so in a disrespectful manner. Through the years it has been reinforced that not only will that not get you anywhere, it will make the problem worse. I've always told her that she has the right to express her own opinion and have feelings about things that are different than what I may think - that's normal and to be expected, but she doesn't have the right to be disrespectful (just like I don't have that right).

She's not a quiet little shrinking violet - quite the contrary. When she was little, we used to say that it was a good thing God gave her to somebody who would make her behave, otherwise she would have been a holy terrror. She's bullheaded and strong willed (and her dad says that she takes after me ), but that's not an excuse to misbehave. (Hey, if I can't use it as an excuse, neither can she! )

I totally agree.

To answer the previous question, my kids get angry and they get snippy and they sulk. But, they know, have known since they were little, that disrespect isn't tolerated. They know that 'I hate you' or screaming at us would result in the world as they know it becoming a very dark and dismal place. It just doesn't happen.

One technique I have used OFTEN is that if they are in a bad mood or whatever, they have to go to their room until they can be respectful with the rest of the family. No exceptions. They can listen to music or whatever it takes to cool down. We don't engage in the battle of the wills...ever. There is no use talking when tempers are flaring anyways. It's really that simple.

 

[poohandwendy]

I'd love to figure out how to make them never cause me grief!
__________________

There is no way to avoid that completely, LOL. It's a matter of what behavior you will tolerate. When they know it won't be tolerated and the consequences are not worth it...they learn to curb the attitude. Or at least keep it in check. You have to be firm and consistent. You also have to not make the battles turn into an emotional war. When you let them know they are getting to you (emotionally), they use that as a weapon.

JMO

 

[MouseWorshipin]

For example, she may go to her room for awhile, talk to friends, she may go ride her horses for awhile, or she may just go sit in the backyard.

THERE is where I need help. Because mine will say, and this is verbatim, "GOD, this is SO not fair! You think you can...You know, I'm...God, this is lame." and walk off. That would be the day that after he left I said, "Buttwipe." (I didn't say "butt.") My mother was there and laughed at me.

I want kids who accept the fact that I am Grand, Supreme Ruler of Your Universe (my general answer to WHY) and calmly go out to sit in the yard. How do you do that???

Like I said, a few days ago I got a whole deal about how he is about to turn 18, and I'm still trying to control his "every move" because I don't know if I'm going to allow a trip to Chicago with his doofus friends, who are all 18 already. It would be so nice to avoid this stuff with the up-and-comers. I didn't have this particular DS from birth (2 of my 4 are mine because someone had to save them from their unfortunate circumstances), but I have to take full responsibility for #2 and #3.

#4 actually is so very, very good because she was seriously abused and is afraid to do anything wrong. But I'm betting that at 16 she'll get over it!

 

[poohandwendy]

I'm still trying to control his "every move" because I don't know if I'm going to allow a trip to Chicago with his doofus friends,

LOL...here is your response:

"well, when you can pay for your every move, we would be HAPPY to help you MOVE!!!! Until then, you will just have to deal with a controlling mother and work it out in therapy later." And then YOU walk away and let him deal with his frustration.


The trick is to frustrate them more than they frustrate you. See?
LOL

 

[MouseWorshipin]

LOL...here is your response:

"well, when you can pay for your every move, we would be HAPPY to help you MOVE!!!! Until then, you will just have to deal with a controlling mother and work it out in therapy later." And then YOU walk away and let him deal with his frustration.


The trick is to frustrate them more than they frustrate you. See?
LOL

I guess. I just don't get into it with them. I refuse to retort or argue. I'm the Grand, Supreme Ruler of His Universe, and that's that.

But I'd like them to just calmly walk out to sit in the backyard and not tell me what they think first. That'd be nice.