No gift on Mom's day?

[MI mom of 3]

Yes, I think I may cancel the party. It makes me feel very bad though that she is acting like this and ruining her own 16th birthday. She will take a huge fit and screamed hate comments. It is so bad with her that she will not even shut off her computer if I tell her too. She just screams and tells me to get out of her room. My DH remains neutral most of the time. He has reined her in a few times but she screams at him too. She has him wrapped around her finger. She can turn on the tears at will. He is usually not home when she pulls this and hears about it second hand. She talks over me while I'm speaking to him. I just want her to get her head on straight before she leaves for college in 2 years.

Being a parent is the worst job sometimes. If I were you, I would remove the computer altogether AND take her door off. Just take it away. Remove anything fun from her room - no TV, radio, iPod, CD player etc. All you leave her with are her bed, clothes and books. See how much time she spends in there with nothing to do. Maybe if she comes out of her little cave you and she will be able to really communicate.

Turning these monsters into responsible adults is not fun is it?

 

[Toby'sFriend]

Teens are not easy.
Cancel the party and choose one thoughtful medium priced gift to give her at dinner that night.

Take it from me because believe me - I KNOW WHAT I SPEAK - continuing to reward obnoxious bratty behavior by giving them every desire in their lives will just lead to more and more obnoxious and bratty behavior. You cannot buy a teen's love and respect with gifts and money.

They are kids, they will push and push and push until they discover they have gone to the point where they don't like the consequences of what they have done.

 

[minkydog]

I know, it's pretty bad.

All of your comments are very much appreciated. Thank you.

I'm a long time DISer and under cover with my Mom_ name. I'm ashamed of our situation with my DD. I feel like a failure as a mom but my son turned out fine. I guess it hold true that no two kids are the same... My DD is a challenge to say the least.

Mom, you're not a failure. You just have two different kids. It's easy to believe you've got it going on when your first child is a breeze;what a kick in the pants when the next one doesn't play by the rules (Thankfully, my difficult child was #1 so I had no illusions about my great parenting, haha he "disciplined" me every day )

Try not to take it personally. Oh yes, she probably does think she hates you right now--because she's not getting what she wants. Sixteen yr olds are so much like toddlers, only with a nastier vocabulary. Know that there are a lot of parents in that boat with you, including myself.

you've gotten good advice, so I'm just gonna say . I'm sorry your DD has decided not to give you a present--rise above it, Mom. Don't even mention it or act like your feelings are hurt(you are about to become an Academy Award nominee ) Be bigger. Give her the gifts, although I don't think I'd do the party. Keep telling her you love her. Even though she's screaming, she's also listening.

This too shall pass. My DS19 was about as hateful as they come from ages 15-18. He has changed his mind in the last year and now I'm getting gifties again But you know it's not about the gifts, right?

 

[minkydog]

Good for you.

I would have gone into the basement and thrown the breaker for his room. When he asked why I would have said it is my electricity and you can't have any!!!

omg, i HAVE ACTUALLY DONE THAT!!

Cathy--World's Meanest Mom

 

[redshoes]

Mom_
You are not a failure! A failure would be to continue letting her treat you this way and to allow her to act in any matter that she pleases. As dumb as it may sound by letting her know that you will not allow her to treat you with disrespect; you're teaching her to have enough respect for herself to not allow people to treat her in a similiar fashion. You're doing good.

 

[babytrees]

As a mom who often shares Mother's Day with my girls birthdays, this year no exception, I read the comments through those unique eyes. My girls will be 14 and 10 and while I have gotten the I hate you comment from oldest I would never think of not celebrating the birthday. Yes, her comments hurt you but as someone else said I think of Mother's Day as just a card day, I say celebrate her birthday. You did say that it was fine with you on no cards or gifts, she's holding you to your word.
The other attitude stuff stinks but until she told you no presents or cards for you for mother's day you were going through with a party, seems to me that yanking her party is retribution.

Whatever you do know that it will eventually blow over and your "baby" will be a good girl again.

 

[Marseeya]

Sounds like we're going to have the same mother's day, except I have a 10 year old who still likes me a lot. My DS hasn't gotten me a b-day gift in the past two years, and he refused to go to dinner with me too. We're planning on going out to eat on Sunday, and I'm betting he'll come up with some reason not to go.

 

[Hannathy]

OK here comes the different oppinion. I don't think you should cancel the party because aren't you then stooping to her level? She hurt you so now I'll hurt her. Have the party show her what an adult does in the situation have respect for her like you want her to have for you. I wouldn't want a forced gift or card. Now I am not above laying some guilt on her after Mother's Day like " I hope you enjoyed your birthday isn't it nice to be remembered on your special day"

I do have a 14yr old DD.

 

[Sandy V.]

Yes, I think I may cancel the party. It makes me feel very bad though that she is acting like this and ruining her own 16th birthday. She will take a huge fit and screamed hate comments. It is so bad with her that she will not even shut off her computer if I tell her too. She just screams and tells me to get out of her room. My DH remains neutral most of the time. He has reined her in a few times but she screams at him too. She has him wrapped around her finger. She can turn on the tears at will. He is usually not home when she pulls this and hears about it second hand. She talks over me while I'm speaking to him. I just want her to get her head on straight before she leaves for college in 2 years.

Take away the power cord to the computer so she can't use it.

I would have the door off its hinges as well.

Your DH is playing the "good cop" while you're stuck in the "bad cop" role here. Time for him to grow a couple and join you as a parent who imposes consequences for bad behavior. This needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. I would INSIST that your DH help you with this or there would be heck to pay in my house. No 16-year-old is going to scream her way into telling me what to do.

Good luck!

 

[NMAmy]

Sixteen yr olds are so much like toddlers, only with a nastier vocabulary.

Oh, my, ain't THAT the truth? My mom was in the hospital last week. I was in the hospital room, waiting for results, when dd called wanting me to guarantee that I'd be available to take her here, there, and everywhere the next day. The nurse's assistant burst out laughing when I said, "You do remember that Grandma's in the hospital, don't you? Sometimes it's NOT all about you."

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

OP--> i would cancel the party, don't allow yourself to be treated that way just because it's 'normal teenage' behaviour (which i don't agree with at all)

This adds a little more fuel to the fire. THere is absolutely NO WAY I would tolerate this. The way to get her off the computer when she is grounded etc is to take it out of the room. The is no excuse for the constant disrespect.

From your OP it sounded like this was the typical moody thing that swings from one day to the next not constantly. I am on the side of cancelling the party. Yes, she will say she hates you more but why should you put yourself out $ and time for someone that disrepects you.

i agree with everything you said!

I would have gone into the basement and thrown the breaker for his room. When he asked why I would have said it is my electricity and you can't have any!!!

Hilarious and sooo something i would do!

Take it from me because believe me - I KNOW WHAT I SPEAK - continuing to reward obnoxious bratty behavior by giving them every desire in their lives will just lead to more and more obnoxious and bratty behavior. You cannot buy a teen's love and respect with gifts and money.

Worderd very well and i agree with this too.

You are not a failure!!! it will get better!!! My mom and i did NOT get along at all, but now i can't imagine life without her (it could be the fact that i'm a mom now!!).

You are getting some great advice on these boards here!

My sis has a HORRIBLE attitude with my parents and acts like a child, she is just awful and last year her attitude got so bad that my parents didn't give her any presents! and her dinner was cancelled. This got the point across!!

 

[mylilnikita]

I like previous poster's idea about removing the door and just leaving her room with a bed and dresser. If you give her a party with her sleep over right now, you know what you have taught her she can talk and treat you any way not just for saying that she hates you but the showing dis respect, that she can treat you anyway she wants and she probably brags to her friends that she can do or say whatever and you will still do stuff that she wants. She can have a party when she can start acting better.
Can you imagine if you called her friends that were invited to the party and sleep over and tell the parents that it has been cancelled and why and then her friends are told why it was called off, nothing like the embarassment of her friends knowing why it isnt happening, and their parents .kids hate when the parents of the friends know stuff like that.
What happens when she gets her license? When I went before the judge to get my license he told all the parents that at any time, they could take our licenses away. Scared the living crap out of me.

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

I would have the door off its hinges as well.

this is a GREAT idea!

 

[horseshowmom]

I hesitated to post again, because the OP is really having a hard time now, and she has my sympathy, but I do want to say that I don't believe it has to be this way (although I do think that many people just assume it's natural for teens to be horrible).

We all live different lives and have different circumstances, so I don't mean to come across as having all of the answers, but I don't think it has to be this way.

I can say without any question that I never behaved that way, because my parents would not have tolerated it. Did I think stuff? Sure I did, but I knew better than to say it. To this day, I would never consider being disrespectful to my parents.

I can honestly say that DD (almost 19) has never screamed anything at us. I'm sure she's like me and has thought things many times, but she knows better than to say it out loud (self control is a good trait to learn). Is she a perfect child? No, she's not, but neither was I (nor am I now for that matter, but I don't scream at her, and when I make a mistake, I apologize to her).

We started when she was young, and she was always made to behave (unlike some relatives I know with their children, we didn't consider it "cute" when she acted up). We also never said, "We just can't do anything with her" like I've heard other people say. There was always some punishment that could apply. As adults, we were in charge - not her.

She horse shows and was always taught the proper way to behave there too (you don't mouth off about the judge or other competitors). When she was about 15, she came out of a class angry about the placings and started to "mouth off". I quietly told her to go untack her horse and load him in the trailer. She said, "But my classes aren't over!" I told her that yes, they were (keep in mind that we had money invested in those classes, plus the money getting to the show, time, and there were points involved since she was leading in the classes). On the way home, we had a long talk about how we behave in public and that right or wrong, the judge has the final say so. Furthermore, we're there to have fun, and if she's acting like a brat, we aren't having fun (and it's way too much work to do something that we don't enjoy too). That never happened again. She wasn't always happy with the placings, and we might discuss it in the truck on the way home, but she didn't mouth off publicly.

As someone else said, we always taught the concept of consequences. We also taught that just like there are "bad" consequences, there are also "good" consequences. When you act like you've got good sense, you have a lot more privileges and the respect of people who matter (DD has had a lot of adults go out of their way to help her achieve things solely because of her good attitude and work ethic, and she can really see that).

So, no, I don't think it has to be horrible. Yes, there are hard times sometimes, but your children don't have to grow up to be obnoxious.

Again, JMHO.

 

[FreshTressa]

I know, it's pretty bad.

All of your comments are very much appreciated. Thank you.

I'm a long time DISer and under cover with my Mom_ name. I'm ashamed of our situation with my DD. I feel like a failure as a mom but my son turned out fine. I guess it hold true that no two kids are the same... My DD is a challenge to say the least.

No need to be ashamed!! Parenting is a learn as you go process. No two kids are alike and what works for one will not work for another. Also, take all advice with a grain of salt. You know your daughter and what works best with her. Sometimes a kid needs tough love and strict boundaries. Sometimes tough love can backfire and a hug and kind understanding works best.

You just love them so much and want them to be happy...and it is hard to find the balance.

Add teen hormones and it becomes downright impossible!!

I feel for you!

From what you have described, if she threw a fit about the party, she would lose her door and her PC. She would lose all until she learned to treat me respectfully. But, again, I don't know your daughter and what other issues she is dealing with in her life right now.

Sometimes things are rough for a kid outside of the home and the MOM is who is the recipient of all of the anger. I am sometimes guilty of doing this to my husband.

Good luck! And we are always here to listen.

 

[hentob]

So, no, I don't think it has to be horrible. Yes, there are hard times sometimes, but your children don't have to grow up to be obnoxious.

Again, JMHO.

I agree with this 100%

 

[MouseWorshipin]

I hesitated to post again, because the OP is really having a hard time now, and she has my sympathy, but I do want to say that I don't believe it has to be this way (although I do think that many people just assume it's natural for teens to be horrible).

We all live different lives and have different circumstances, so I don't mean to come across as having all of the answers, but I don't think it has to be this way.

I can say without any question that I never behaved that way, because my parents would not have tolerated it. Did I think stuff? Sure I did, but I knew better than to say it. To this day, I would never consider being disrespectful to my parents.

I can honestly say that DD (almost 19) has never screamed anything at us. I'm sure she's like me and has thought things many times, but she knows better than to say it out loud (self control is a good trait to learn). Is she a perfect child? No, she's not, but neither was I (nor am I now for that matter, but I don't scream at her, and when I make a mistake, I apologize to her).

We started when she was young, and she was always made to behave (unlike some relatives I know with their children, we didn't consider it "cute" when she acted up). We also never said, "We just can't do anything with her" like I've heard other people say. There was always some punishment that could apply. As adults, we were in charge - not her.

She horse shows and was always taught the proper way to behave there too (you don't mouth off about the judge or other competitors). When she was about 15, she came out of a class angry about the placings and started to "mouth off". I quietly told her to go untack her horse and load him in the trailer. She said, "But my classes aren't over!" I told her that yes, they were (keep in mind that we had money invested in those classes, plus the money getting to the show, time, and there were points involved since she was leading in the classes). On the way home, we had a long talk about how we behave in public and that right or wrong, the judge has the final say so. Furthermore, we're there to have fun, and if she's acting like a brat, we aren't having fun (and it's way too much work to do something that we don't enjoy too). That never happened again. She wasn't always happy with the placings, and we might discuss it in the truck on the way home, but she didn't mouth off publicly.

As someone else said, we always taught the concept of consequences. We also taught that just like there are "bad" consequences, there are also "good" consequences. When you act like you've got good sense, you have a lot more privileges and the respect of people who matter (DD has had a lot of adults go out of their way to help her achieve things solely because of her good attitude and work ethic, and she can really see that).

So, no, I don't think it has to be horrible. Yes, there are hard times sometimes, but your children don't have to grow up to be obnoxious.

Again, JMHO.

I sure wish my kids NEVER yelled or said anything mean. What does your daughter do when she is very angry because she cannot do something she wants to do? How do you handle it?

She sounds perfect, and I personally would like the 11 year old I've "inherited" to be that way. Please share more!!!!!

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[Puffy2]

It is so bad with her that she will not even shut off her computer if I tell her too. She just screams and tells me to get out of her room. My DH remains neutral most of the time. He has reined her in a few times but she screams at him too.

I'm left wondering WHY she continues to have a computer in her room after this behavior. ??????? HER room?????? And I'd never allow one of mine to scream at me in my own home without serious consequences. In the computer case, I'd rip that cord out from the wall, pick up the computer and chunk in out into the front yard and I"d make it VERY clear that she was NEVER to speak to me like that again in MY home.

Perhaps some joint counseling/family support group/ etc.... may help.

 

[Puffy2]

I sure wish my kids NEVER yelled or said anything mean. What does your daughter do when she is very angry because she cannot do something she wants to do? How do you handle it?

I am not the person you posted the above in response to , but I also have children (teens) who would never dream of "screaming" at me. Sure they get angry - everyone does. Maybe it's example - when I get angry I don't scream at them. And I make it clear that I, as a parent, deserve the same respect. We have open communication. They are encouraged to express their feelings in words and present their side in a rational way. When they were toddlers, and pitched a fit on the floor because they wanted something, that behavior was NEVER rewarded. I suppose we taught them that nothing good comes from being a butt.