No funeral, would you be upset?

[Robinrs]

Whatever - we have differing opinions. Mine is based on my life's experience, your is based on your life's experience.

Also, fwiw, sometimes the people that care the most for a person are not related to that person...

You're right. It's not that way in my family, but my family is DIFFERENT than most. My family is like a cult and we don't allow many people IN, they can rotate around us but not let in easily. We're just like that!

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...My family is like a cult and we don't allow many people IN, they can rotate around us but not let in easily. We're just like that!

My family won't let people OUT...

 

[bumbershoot]

I know I've posted a lot recently, about various things I'm facing... But it really does help to put things out there and not keep them bottled up inside. I appreciate everyone's patience.

You're lucky to have cyberpeople to bounce things off of. I didn't discover the cyberworld until later on...it's amazing how much more patient and helpful people on message boards can be, compared to "real life" friends...


Ember, my stepdad had a funeral for my mom. While it was incredible how many co-workers who deeply liked her came, a lot of the church was filled with people she did NOT know, who were just church members (and since she had only attended that church ONCE, as they had just changed to it before she got sick, she didn't know them and they didn't know her). The pastor didn't even know her.

And it ended up being a funeral entirely UNlike what she would have wanted. The words spoken during the funeral were endlessly hurtful to me and my brother, which she would have NEVER EVER wanted (she believed in a mishmash of things, not just the one hereafter thing the church believed), and I just felt like it was a travesty, and if she was anywhere around, she was probably crying about it.

So if your mom has told you what she wants and doesn't want, I would definitely go along with it and not have any more conversations about this with your other family members.


All that said, I'm sure my mom would have also wanted her husband to grieve in the way that worked for him, which meant the big churchy thing. So I'm not sure I see much wrong in the further away family to have a memorial for her, if they really need it. I know I sure wanted to hold a proper memorial based on the mom I grew up with, but I just never did it.

I agree with OP that if these people cared so much, they'd be by to visit while she's still here instead of caring so much about what happens once they're gone.

I do too, on the whole. Except then I'm a big ol' hypocrite b/c I couldn't visit my mom after she got sick due to a brand new job, money concerns, and then I kept getting sick (like, flu sick, nasty sick, can't be around a leukemia patient sick), which could have looked heartless. And I adored my grandma even though I could never get out to visit her, either. So there *might* be extenuating circumstances. Maybe.

Ember, have you asked any of them to come over and help out? Sometimes people want to help, but need an invitation.

Also, fwiw, sometimes the people that care the most for a person are not related to that person...

Definitely can be true! Doesn't sound like it in this case, but in others.

 

[Goldenbear6]

Okay, here's the topic I don't want to think about, but it was thrust under my nose this morning... A loving family member, and right now I use the term very loosely, called to see how my mum is doing. I told the truth, it's been a really bad week and I feel like we're getting closer to the inevitable end.

The question was then asked about her funeral, which I think was pretty cold anyway. Truthfully, I don't remember what the question was, something about the religious aspect of it, I think... But I answered that it didn't matter as I wasn't having a funeral. As per mum's wishes. She has always been adamant that she doesn't want people standing around in a room crying over her. She told me she would vastly prefer to wait until I had healed a little and have a nice big dinner where people could exchange stories and laugh.

Anyway, then there was yelling, because apparently I'm a horrible person for "not thinking about others during this time."

I wanted to yell that if it matters do darn much, they would come see her while she was here. I wanted to scream about how unfair it is that I have to loose my mummy and you're right, I don't care about others right now. Instead I numbly hung up the phone. But now I'm just vibrating.

I agree with your Mum, I have told my family that I wanted nothing to do with a funeral. In my opinion, and since I will be the reason to have one or not, is that it would be a complete waste of time. I would rather people go out, have a good time and just say good or bad things about me. If I had my way, I would not even attend my own funeral. God bless your Mum.

 

[wdwfan16]

You're lucky to have cyberpeople to bounce things off of. I didn't discover the cyberworld until later on...it's amazing how much more patient and helpful people on message boards can be, compared to "real life" friends...


Ember, my stepdad had a funeral for my mom. While it was incredible how many co-workers who deeply liked her came, a lot of the church was filled with people she did NOT know, who were just church members (and since she had only attended that church ONCE, as they had just changed to it before she got sick, she didn't know them and they didn't know her). The pastor didn't even know her.

And it ended up being a funeral entirely UNlike what she would have wanted. The words spoken during the funeral were endlessly hurtful to me and my brother, which she would have NEVER EVER wanted (she believed in a mishmash of things, not just the one hereafter thing the church believed), and I just felt like it was a travesty, and if she was anywhere around, she was probably crying about it.

So if your mom has told you what she wants and doesn't want, I would definitely go along with it and not have any more conversations about this with your other family members.


All that said, I'm sure my mom would have also wanted her husband to grieve in the way that worked for him, which meant the big churchy thing. So I'm not sure I see much wrong in the further away family to have a memorial for her, if they really need it. I know I sure wanted to hold a proper memorial based on the mom I grew up with, but I just never did it.




I do too, on the whole. Except then I'm a big ol' hypocrite b/c I couldn't visit my mom after she got sick due to a brand new job, money concerns, and then I kept getting sick (like, flu sick, nasty sick, can't be around a leukemia patient sick), which could have looked heartless. And I adored my grandma even though I could never get out to visit her, either. So there *might* be extenuating circumstances. Maybe.

Ember, have you asked any of them to come over and help out? Sometimes people want to help, but need an invitation.




Definitely can be true! Doesn't sound like it in this case, but in others.

Why would your mother join a church that she did not believe in?

 

[jt'smom]

first of all, let me say i'm so sorry you are dealing with this, and anybody who wants to judge you for honoring you mom's wishes, well screw them! i'm one of those "inconsiderate people" that also don't won't a funeral. i found out 8 years ago that i had an untreatable, inoperable brainstem tumor and was told that i had had 6 months to get my affairs in order. well, even though i've gone downhill drastically over the years, i'm a terminally ill person, who is just hanging on i decided that when i went i didn't want a funeral, and instead wanted my dh to take our ds(who's now 13) and take a fabulous 2 week vacation to get away from all the gloom and doom. even my son gets annoyed when my mom or my dh's parents fuss about this and say it is so selfish of me to not care for "those left behind"! well, if they want to have a funeral for me at their church with a bunch of people of who have never met me, then i say go for it, but leave the people closest to me alone!!!

point is, at this time don't worry about anyone else's issues with what your mom wants, just enjoy every precious moment you have with her

 

[MUFFYCAT]

Jt. My heart goes out to you. You sound like a very brave, strong woman.

 

[KirstenB]

JT's Mom, I wish I could hug you in person! You're an amazing lady!!

 

[fkj2]

This sounds like a complex situation and I send the OP my support and best wishes. It's not easy giving up a parent.

I'd like to encourage the OP to maybe not be so hard on the family member, esp. if that individual is older. Some elderly have a concern that when they pass, no one will recognize or honor them. In our society, that usually involves a funeral. I think more recently, some of us have gotten away from the two nights of visitation and then the day-long memorial service. When I planned my mom's (and my dad's for that matter) memorial, it was markedly brief compared to services they had planned for my grandparents decades ago, and that is certainly within the judgment domain of the OP and her mom. I felt I had honored them when it was important--during their lives.

Regardless of whether some family members haven't seen or been close to those who pass, it's still important for them--to them--to acknowledge a passing. It would be worse, I think, to hear from a family member that they didn't have time or were unwilling to honor a loved one who has passed.

OP, you are undoubtedly suffering through a difficult time. I imagine you're feeling the stress, and every issue can easily be magnified. All I can do is encourage you to take care of yourself so you can take care of the mom, and let other concerns go.

 

[Evil Genius]

People do and say incredibly stupid things when death is involved. Please take it all with a grain of salt and worry about your mom and yourself.

 

[Handbag Lady]

It isn't your fault that the telephone caller isn't that close to your mom, or they would:

know her wishes
be there to help
ask if you need anything
offer food when not asked
come in and clean your home while you take care of mom

So really, next time they call, feel free to hang up or explain or just say hello or whatever you feel.

I'm glad you calmed down, too. They are not worth your efforts.

 

[arminnie]

. We also hired this wonderful woman who wasn't afraid of anyone to answer the door and the phone at Mom's house. She screened everything. Do you have anyone who can do that for you?

I wish I'd done something like that when my mother died 12 years ago. She was fairly young (early 70s), and most of her friends and relatives were local and active.

In that generation it was almost a rule that you were supposed to go visit the family when someone died. I think I even read that in an old etiquette book.

I just remember the doorbell, two landlines and several cell phones ringing constantly. I'd been up for 48 hours before my mother's death. I just so wanted to go get some sleep. I know everyone meant well, but it was so overwhelming.

My father just died (88). He had just moved to a retirement home, and I was moving from our house to a condo I'd just bought. I basically just hid out. No one knew my new address, plus most of his friends that were still alive were not very able to get about. I even discouraged out of town relatives from coming.

We had a very simple funeral at the church (Methodist). Followed by a big party at my sister's home afterwards. She's much younger than I am, and her friends really livened up the whole event.

My dad didn't get buried until the next day because of scheduling conflicts. Who knew that this is the "busy season" in the funeral industry? We had about 80-90 people at the church, but only about 5 at the cemetary.

 

[janets]

I'm so sorry that you had to be on the receiving end of someone berating you for your mother's decision to leave this world simply and without fuss.

Yes, funerals are for the living, and they have a place, if that is what one chooses. For others, it is an incredibly painful time and one they don't want.

Your mother has made her wishes known, and you agree with them. Do what is best for both of you (and your dh) and don't let others make you feel badly. You're suffering enough right now, don't let anyone make it worse.

If they try it again, simply tell them the decision is made and if they cannot respect it, then not to call again. Then hang up and let it go.

Sending hugs and prayers out to you.

 

[Ember]

Ember, have you asked any of them to come over and help out? Sometimes people want to help, but need an invitation.

I have tentatively asked for help. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or put them into a position they might feel awkward. I try to always phrase things so that people are aware of a need, rather than ask them outright (which I think could create an obligation and put pressure on someone). I'll say things like, "It would be really nice to go out to a movie without having to worry about mum having to be alone." Or, "we've had to eat a lot of take out food because there just isn't time to cook anymore." I figure this creates an opening to offer, if people really want to help.

Sadly, the only people so far to actually step up are my girlfriends (who do come one evening a week so DH and I can run all the errands that get put off the rest of the week) and DH's family (who make sure to visit and send us out for coffee for an hour, just so we can spend time together). My family is sadly absent, though as I said, they do call now and then or send an email to see how mum is doing.

 

[Disney Doll]

The OP has to deal with the loss of her beloved Mom, something I am still dealing with after 8 years. She needs to be supported not yelled at.

I'm so sorry, OP,

Wow! Your Mom has been gone 8 years already?! I remember when she passed.

OP, it's never easy to have someone dying and people can be incredibly stupid and insensitive.
You know you are doing right by your mother and you know you are, and will continue, to honor her wishes.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

Ember, I have been in exactly your shoes: the only child caring for parents who passed while I was very young. Like you, my family was physically distant and I often felt resentful of them for not being there to help, and, as DH used said, "calling the plays from the cheap seats".

I did have funeral for my mom, and I was so, so, so glad I did. My mom's funeral was beautiful, and we got to talk about her with so many family and friends. But then funeals are 'rememberence parties' in my family, not stand-around-crying kind of events. Aside from that I needed my family to come. I needed to 'forgive' them. I needed to see them greive my mom. As it turned out- as time and distance have shown me- there was nothing to 'forgive'. They were doing thier best to love them from afar. In crisis times its hard not to be critical when you aren't getting the full story and I was taking things way differently than they were inteneded. I was hearing criticism where there wasn't any. I'm not saying this is true in your case, just that it was in mine.

Please know its unlikely the caller intended to be cold or nosy. She was probably just starting to think about plans. Whatever you decide to do- or not do- let your Dh field those calls, take yourself out of situations where your resentment will build. After my mom died I was angry, for about six months or so, and that anger unfortuantely damaged a relationship in my life that I know will never be completely fixed. I wish I'd been more aware of how incapable of being rational I was at that time, and had not let myself get bogged down resentements and hurts. Family will still be family- however distant- after your mom dies.

Hugs to you for all that you've been through and for the hard times to come.