No funeral, would you be upset?

[Ember]

Okay, here's the topic I don't want to think about, but it was thrust under my nose this morning... A loving family member, and right now I use the term very loosely, called to see how my mum is doing. I told the truth, it's been a really bad week and I feel like we're getting closer to the inevitable end.

The question was then asked about her funeral, which I think was pretty cold anyway. Truthfully, I don't remember what the question was, something about the religious aspect of it, I think... But I answered that it didn't matter as I wasn't having a funeral. As per mum's wishes. She has always been adamant that she doesn't want people standing around in a room crying over her. She told me she would vastly prefer to wait until I had healed a little and have a nice big dinner where people could exchange stories and laugh.

Anyway, then there was yelling, because apparently I'm a horrible person for "not thinking about others during this time."

I wanted to yell that if it matters do darn much, they would come see her while she was here. I wanted to scream about how unfair it is that I have to loose my mummy and you're right, I don't care about others right now. Instead I numbly hung up the phone. But now I'm just vibrating.

 

[krcit]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All you need to worry about is your mom, you don't owe anything to anyone else.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All you need to worry about is your mom, you don't owe anything to anyone else.

Exactly

 

[cheermom1]

Sorry you have to deal with this

really it is no one else's business. you do what your mom wanted ok! I am right there with your mom as I have said the very same thing!

 

[NikiM20]

I think you should follow your moms wishes. I also think a nice dinner with family and friends to remember her is a wonderful idea

 

[Robinrs]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. All you need to worry about is your mom, you don't owe anything to anyone else.

Amen.

I've done 19 years of grief counseling and the one thing we cannot control are the STUPID things people SAY.

Do whatever your Mom wants and whats good for YOUR family. Try to avoid or have someone else intercept calls like this one. First of all, take care yourself. No one has the right to tell you how to handle this time in your life.

God bless.

 

[HelenePA]

As per my dad's wishes we did not have a funeral for him. We had a dinner party. Sat around and laughed most of the day. Had a great time! I'm sorry your going thru this.. Take care of yourself.

 

[AristocatFan]

People can be so rude and insensitive! So sorry you are having to go through this. All you can do is honor your mothers wishes. Not anyone else. A good friend of ours did not have a funeral for his father. Instead they had what they called a "Celebration of Life" with music, stories and happy memories. Funerals are really for the living anyway.

 

[JimmyPicker]

Don't worry about it. Seriously. Your mother has made her wishes very clear to you. She doesn't want a funeral, she doesn't want people standing over her.

Tell anyone who disagrees with you to shove it. You love your mother and you're doing this HER way.

 

[happywanderer2]

OMG, that was so heartless of that person who called. My deep respect for you and you have my sympathy for what you are going through. I live with my mom and it is a little sad watching her health decline. So far she still enjoying life and that is what counts. If this helps, when someone on the phone is giving me a hard time or being a pita I hold the phone away from me and silently call them all sorts of names and give them every rude gesture I can think of. For me, it helps.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I am of two minds on this subject. On the one hand, you want to respect the wishes of the deceased, but on the other hand, funerals are not FOR the deceased, they are for those left behind.

I know more than a few people who have asked that they not have a funeral, and my father only wanted a grave-site military burial. Most honor the wishes of the deceased.

But a part of me thinks that it is selfish of a person to tell others when, where and how they are to grieve - even if they are the one passing...

 

[Ember]

OMG, that was so heartless of that person who called. My deep respect for you and you have my sympathy for what you are going through. I live with my mom and it is a little sad watching her health decline. So far she still enjoying life and that is what counts. If this helps, when someone on the phone is giving me a hard time or being a pita I hold the phone away from me and silently call them all sorts of names and give them every rude gesture I can think of. For me, it helps.

I like this.

 

[Stitchfans]

I think you should follow your moms wishes. I also think a nice dinner with family and friends to remember her is a wonderful idea

I agree. I have the same wishes as your mom. Sure hope my wishes are followed when my time comes.

 

[Pigeon]

This person sounds like a horse's backside.

I'm sorry for your difficulties.

No it wouldn't bother me at all. When I go, I don't want a funeral. I want a quiet, cheapo cremation, and a big party with lots of laughter six months later.

 

[crashbb]

I am of two minds on this subject. On the one hand, you want to respect the wishes of the deceased, but on the other hand, funerals are not FOR the deceased, they are for those left behind.

I know more than a few people who have asked that they not have a funeral, and my father only wanted a grave-site military burial. Most honor the wishes of the deceased.

But a part of me thinks that it is selfish of a person to tell others when, where and how they are to grieve - even if they are the one passing...

My sentiments are similar to yours - but you said it better than my attempts.

In neither scenario, however, are the comments by the person on the phone acceptable.

 

[diznygirl]

Are your mom's wishes in writing? This will alleviate any concerns after her death. We've been in your spot, and having the will with our loved one's wishes was all the support we needed.

 

[Ember]

I am of two minds on this subject. On the one hand, you want to respect the wishes of the deceased, but on the other hand, funerals are not FOR the deceased, they are for those left behind.

I know more than a few people who have asked that they not have a funeral, and my father only wanted a grave-site military burial. Most honor the wishes of the deceased.

But a part of me thinks that it is selfish of a person to tell others when, where and how they are to grieve - even if they are the one passing...

Does it help that I want the same thing she does. I'm an only child and the only one (along with my DH) who is caring for her. The rest of the family inquires after her with a phone call every once in a while or sends an email. Most of them we haven't seen in years.

 

[TerriP]

Give me their phone number....

I am so sorry you have to deal with this during one of the most difficult times in a person's life. I will pray for your mom and for you...for strength and peace in the days ahead. Focus your heart and mind on your mom. Do what she wants done in the time and manner she has requested and put everyone else's drama out of your mind.

 

[4nana]

You have enough to be concerned with sweetie, don't let insensitive family upset you. If they're that sincere, they should have been playing a part in your Mum's care all along. You need to do what's best for you and your dear Mum by honoring her last wishes.

My dear SisIL passed 3 yrs ago, an angel on earth she was . Her last wishes were a tea party w/finger desserts. It was quite a celebration of her life and I'm sure she was smiling from above.

Sending hugs and prayers during these difficult days.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Does it help that I want the same thing she does. I'm an only child and the only one (along with my DH) who is caring for her. The rest of the family inquires after her with a phone call every once in a while or sends an email. Most of them we haven't seen in years.

Honestly, my answer is, it depends. We honored my father's wishes, but before we decided we got together and discussed it. My mother didn't just want to impose his or her will on the entire family. She considered everyone's opinion and decided to honor his wishes.

Because she took the time to talk it out with everyone, everyone understood and accepted her decision with grace. That might not have been the case if she had just decided to do it this way without the discussion. Sure, I would have accepted it, but my sisters are another story.

A lot of people grieve when someone special passes. Everyone handles that grief differently...