NEW STUDY QUESTIONS VALUE OF IN-LAWS
Pseudo-Relatives Serve No Evolutionary Purpose, Scientist Says
As the holiday season heads into high gear, a new scientific study released today appears to confirm what many scientists have suspected for years: that in-laws make no significant contribution to the survival or betterment of the human species.
The study, authored by Dr. William Haggerty of the University of Minnesota, studied the behavior of over one thousand in-laws during a period of ten holiday seasons and found that the in-laws or pseudo-relatives as the study calls them served no positive purpose whatsoever.
Based on our data, in-laws spend most of the holidays freeloading, eating excessively and drinking up the contents of their hosts liquor cabinets, Dr. Haggerty said.
In exchange for their boorish behavior, the study noted, the irritating pseudo-relatives usually offer nothing but extremely inexpensive gifts that they picked up at the last second at the cash register at CVS.
While some members of the scientific questioned the timing of the studys release coinciding with the peak of the holiday season Dr. Haggerty said that the December 24 publication date was of no significance whatsoever.
Its a complete coincidence, said Dr. Haggerty, whose wifes family is coming to stay with him for a week starting on Christmas Eve.
Dr. Haggertys study also noted that made-for-TV movies depicting Christmas being stolen, abolished or otherwise made to disappear are wildly inaccurate and may cause unnecessary anxiety.
In actuality, Christmas is rarely disrupted or in any way ruined, Dr. Haggerty said, except by in-laws.
THE BOROWITZ REPORT
Pseudo-Relatives Serve No Evolutionary Purpose, Scientist Says
As the holiday season heads into high gear, a new scientific study released today appears to confirm what many scientists have suspected for years: that in-laws make no significant contribution to the survival or betterment of the human species.
The study, authored by Dr. William Haggerty of the University of Minnesota, studied the behavior of over one thousand in-laws during a period of ten holiday seasons and found that the in-laws or pseudo-relatives as the study calls them served no positive purpose whatsoever.
Based on our data, in-laws spend most of the holidays freeloading, eating excessively and drinking up the contents of their hosts liquor cabinets, Dr. Haggerty said.
In exchange for their boorish behavior, the study noted, the irritating pseudo-relatives usually offer nothing but extremely inexpensive gifts that they picked up at the last second at the cash register at CVS.
While some members of the scientific questioned the timing of the studys release coinciding with the peak of the holiday season Dr. Haggerty said that the December 24 publication date was of no significance whatsoever.
Its a complete coincidence, said Dr. Haggerty, whose wifes family is coming to stay with him for a week starting on Christmas Eve.
Dr. Haggertys study also noted that made-for-TV movies depicting Christmas being stolen, abolished or otherwise made to disappear are wildly inaccurate and may cause unnecessary anxiety.
In actuality, Christmas is rarely disrupted or in any way ruined, Dr. Haggerty said, except by in-laws.
THE BOROWITZ REPORT
