NEW NEW rack up your posts with random stuff!!

[Captain Brain]

 

[AmandaSparks730]

7. Mix Tape

KATE MONSTER
Princeton...
He likes me.
I think he likes me
But does he "like me"
like me
like I like him?
Will we be friends,
or something more?
I think he's interested,
but I'm not sure.

(spoken)

Come in!

PRINCETON
Hiya Kate!

KATE MONSTER
Princeton! Hi!

PRINCETON
Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs yesterday,
and I kept coming across songs I thought you'd like
so I made you this tape.

KATE MONSTER
Oh, that's so sweet! Can I get you a drink? Or a snack?

PRINCETON
Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom?

KATE MONSTER
Go right ahead.

PRINCETON
Thank you!

KATE MONSTER

(sung)

A mix tape.
He made me a mix tape.
He was thinking of me,
which shows he cares!
Sometimes when someone
has a crush on you
they'll make you a mix tape
to give you a clue.
Let's see...
"You've Got a Friend"
"The Theme from 'Friends'"
"That's What Friends Are For"
****.

Oh, but look!
"A Whole New World"
"Kiss the Girl"
"My Cherie Amour"
Oh, Princeton! He does like me!

"I Am the Walrus"
"Fat-Bottomed Girls"
"Yellow Submarine"
What does this mean?!

PRINCETON

(spoken)

Hey Kate, you might wanna not go in there for awhile.

KATE MONSTER
Princeton, thank you for this tape, I was just looking
at side A. Great songs!

PRINCETON
Oh, well, did you get to side B yet?

KATE MONSTER
Not yet.

PRINCETON
Oh, it's great. Check it out. Right here...

(sung)

KATE MONSTER
"Stuck on You"

PRINCETON
"Love Me Do"

KATE MONSTER
"My Heart Will Go On"
I loved Titanic!

PRINCETON
Uhh, it was all right.
"She's Got a Way"

KATE MONSTER
"Yesterday"

PRINCETON
"Goodnight Saigon"
From the Russia concert!

KATE MONSTER
Great.
"Through the Years"

PRINCETON
"The Theme from 'Cheers'"

KATE MONSTER
"Moving Right Along"
Nice tape.

PRINCETON
There's one more...
"I Have to Say I Love You in a Song"

KATE MONSTER
(spoken)
Princeton, that's so sweet! I've never gotten
such a nice present from a guy.

PRINCETON
Awww. Well, I'm glad you like it. But I have to go now.
I'm gonna make one for Brian and Christmas Eve, and Gary
and Nicky and Rod, and Trekkie Monster, and everyone!

KATE MONSTER
Oh.

PRINCETON
Oh, and uh --

KATE MONSTER
Yes?

PRINCETON
What are you doing tonight?

KATE MONSTER
Grading term papers. But it's kindergarten so they're very short. Why?

PRINCETON
Everyone's going to hear this singer at the Around the Clock Cafe.
Do you want to go with me?

KATE MONSTER
Like, a date?

PRINCETON
Sure! A date. It'll be a blast.

KATE MONSTER
I'd love to come!

PRINCETON
Okay! Well, I'll see you then.

KATE MONSTER
Okay!

PRINCETON
Okay, bye.

KATE MONSTER
Bye!
He likes me!

 

[Em&Em]

I'm gonna go shower.
ttyl

Bye Bye Emily

 

[AmandaSparks730]

8. I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today

BRIAN
I'm not wearing underwear today.
No, I'm not wearing underwear today.
Not that you prob'ly care
much about my underwear,
still, nonetheless, I gotta say --
that I'm not wearing underwear to-daaaay!

(spoken)

CHRISTMAS EVE
Get a job!

BRIAN
Thank you -- honey. So -- here's the woman you all came to see --
The Around the Clock is proud to present -- fresh from her world tour,
headlining in Amsterdam, Bangkok, and Celebration, Florida --
please give a warm hand to the star of "Girls Gone Wild"
parts two, five and seven -- Lucy the Slut!

 

[AmandaSparks730]

9. Special

LUCY
I can make you feel
special.
When it sucks to be you.
Let me make you feel
special.
For an hour or two.

Your life's a routine
that repeats each day.
No one cares who you are
or what you say.
And sometimes you feel
like you're nobody,
but you can feel like
somebody with me.

PRINCETON
Wow!

LUCY
Yeah, they're real.

When we're together
the earth will shake
and the stars will fall
into the sea.
So come on, baby,
let down your guard.
When your date's in
the bathroom,
I'll slip you my card.
I can tell just by looking
that you've got it hard
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
For me! For me!
I can tell just by looking
that you are especially
hard for me!

 

[Ms.Squeakers]

Stars at night.
Are big and bright!
*clap clap clap clap*

(SING IT WITH ME!!)

DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!

 

[AmandaSparks730]

10. You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Making Love)

(spoken)

BAD IDEA BEAR #1
Take her home!

BAD IDEA BEAR #2
She's wasted!

BAD IDEA BEARS
Yaaaayyy!

KATE MONSTER
My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there!
That's the spot -- that's the spot! -- okay,
a little lower -- okay, now to the left --
no, my left -- ohhhhhhhh!

PRINCETON
Oh, my God, Kate, no one's ever touched me
like this before -- you can't put your finger there --
Ooh, put your finger there!

BOTH
Oh yeah!

(they dive under the covers. Lights up on Gary Coleman who's listening in)

(sung)

GARY COLEMAN
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.

GARY AND BEARS
You can be as loud as
the hell you want...

KATE MONSTER
(Screaming in pleasure)
Aaaaaahhh!

PRINCETON
Yaaaaaaahhh!

(a phone rings, Gary picks it up)
(spoken)

Gary Coleman.
You hear what? -- Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!

(Princeton and Kate pop up from under the covers)

KATE MONSTER
Are we being too loud?

PRINCETON
Yeah, are we bothering someone?

GARY COLEMAN
Oh, no, not at all, kids.
You keep doing what you're doing.

BAD IDEA BEARS
Yeah! Louder!

(sung)

GARY COLEMAN
You're not allowed to
be loud at the library,
at the art museum or
at a play

But when you and
your partner are doin' the nasty
don't behave like you're
at the ballet!
'Cause you can be as loud
as the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud
as the hell you want
when you're making love.

Don't let the neighbors
stop you from havin' fun,
they'll have peace and
quiet when you're
good and done.

ALL
Be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love!
(heavy breathing)
Loud as the hell you want...

KATE MONSTER
Faster, Princeton!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Brian, slow down! This not a race!

ALL
Loud as the hell you want...

PRINCETON
Oh, YEAH!

BRIAN
Who's your daddy?

CHRISTMAS EVE
What?? Brian!!

ALL
Loud as the hell you want...
Loud as the hell you want...

GARY COLEMAN
Smack it and lick it and rub
it and suck it!

ALL
Loud as the hell you want...

CHRISTMAS EVE
Yes! Work your mama!

ALL
Loud as the hell you --

KATE MONSTER
Oh yeah, that's it!

BRIAN
Ooh, babe!

TREKKIE MONSTER
(enjoying himself) Uuuuuhh!

ALL
Loud as the hell you... (x7)
want!

 

[Em&Em]

Time, Time, Time, see what's become of me

 

[Ms.Squeakers]

Country roadds..take me home!
To the place
Where I belong!
West VA!
Mountain Mommaaa take me home.
Country roads.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

11. FANTASIES COME TRUE
(Rod is awake in bed, while Nicky snores)

(spoken)

ROD
It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake?

NICKY (asleep)
Is that a unicorn?

ROD
Oh, he's talking in his sleep again.

NICKY
No, I'll wear the purple shoes. Who painted the kitten?

ROD
Maybe I should just shake him.

NICKY
I love you, Rod.

ROD
What did you say?

NICKY
I love your little laugh.

ROD
Nicky, are you awake?

NICKY
Take off your shirt.

ROD
Oh Nicholas -- have you been shy all this time?
Have we been hiding from each other? I wonder --

(sung)

All those night I lay in bed,
thoughts of you
running through my head...

NICKY
I know -- put my earmuffs on the cookie...

ROD
But I never thought the things in my head
could really happen in my bed.

NICKY
You look like David Hasselhoff...

ROD
All those years
I missed the signs,
couldn't read
between the lines.
Who'd have thought
I would see the day
where I'd hear you say
what I heard you say?
And now I find
what was always in my mind
was in your mind, too.
Fantasies come true!

And now I see that what I've always
dreamed of was meant to be...
you and me, me and you!
Fantasies come true!

You and me lived in fantasy,
but soon we'll be a reality.

(spoken)

PRINCETON
Kate, that was amazing.

KATE MONSTER
You're amazing.

PRINCETON
I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck.
It's from the year I was born -- see? Who knows, maybe it'll bring
you good luck. It did for me! -- I found you.

(sung)

I want you to know
the time that we've spent,
how great it's been,
how much it's meant.

KATE MONSTER
Gosh, I don't know
what to say.
I'm really glad you feel
that way.
'Cause I'm afraid that
I like you more than I ever
liked any guy before.

ROD AND KATE
'Cause now, my love,
I'm getting what I've
always been dreaming of!

ROD
So are you!

KATE MONSTER
OH, baby!

ROD AND KATE
Fantasies come true!
And now I swear that
when you want me,
I'm gonna be right there
to care for you...

KATE MONSTER
That's what I'm gonna do...

ROD AND KATE
And make your fantasies
come true...

ROD
Fantasies come true.

(Rod awakens, Nicky is poking him)

NICKY
Hey, Rod buddy! You were talking in your sleep.

ROD
I thought you were talking in YOUR sleep!

NICKY
No, I just came to bed. You were dreaming, is all.

ROD
Oh.

NICKY
It sounded like a nice dream, though.

ROD
Yes. It was a nice dream.

NICKY
Good night.

ROD
Good night, Nicky.

 

[disneychick2721]

Eeeeeep
I think my mommy is going to watch across the universe with me.

 

[MuskratSusie]

im getting tired.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

12. My Girlfriend, Who Lives In Canada

ROD
Ohhhhh.....
I wish you could meet my
girlfriend, my girlfriend
who lives in Canada.
She couldn't be sweeter,
I wish you could meet her,
my girlfriend who lives
in Canada!

Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancouver.
She cooks like my mother
and sucks like a hoover.

I e-mail her every single
day, just to make sure
that everything's okay.
It's a pity she lives so
far away, in Canada!

Laaaaaast week she was
here, but she had the flu.
Too baaaaaad
'cause I wanted to introduce her to you.
It's so saaaaaaaaad --
There wasn't a thing that she could do
but stay in bed,
with her legs up over her head!
Oh!

I wish you could meet
my girlfriend,
but you can't,
because she is in Canada.
I love her, I miss her,
I can't wait to kiss her,
so soon I'll be off to Alberta!
I mean Vancouver!
****! Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancou--

She's my girlfriend!
My wonderful girlfriend!
Yes, I have a girlfriend,
who lives in Canada!!

(spoken)

And I can't wait to *** *** ***** again!

 

[Em&Em]

I just saw my guy on the page.

 

[Ms.Squeakers]

There she was justa walkin down the street singing dooo wah diddy diddy dum diddy do!

 

[AmandaSparks730]

13. There's a Fine, Fine Line

KATE MONSTER
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time

There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime

But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.

There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

14. There is Life Outside Your Apartment

(spoken)

BRIAN
Princeton!

PRINCETON
Yeah.

BRIAN
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks. What's up with that?

PRINCETON
I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too
depressing on teh phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months
behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian --
I still haven't found my purpose!

BRIAN
All right. Get off your *** and stop worrying! Everyone's getting
together to mess around the city today.

PRINCETON
Have fun.

BRIAN
When I say "everyone", that includes you!

(sung)

There is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive,
but there's life outside your apartment,
and you're only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool **** to do,
but it can't come to you.
And who knows, dude,
you might even score!
There is life outside your apartment,
but you've got to open the door!

(spoken)

PRINCETON
No, thanks, I'm staying in.

BRIAN
Don't tell me I gotta force you.

PRINCETON
Sorry!

BRIAN
All right everyone! He's resisting!

(Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton
up and drag him outside)

(sung)

ALL BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
there is life outside...
your apartment!
There's a pigeon squashed on the street.

CHRISTMAS EVE
Eww.

BRIAN
There's a girl passing by

NICKY
No, I think it's a guy

ALL BUT PRINCETON
And a homeless man who only wants
to buy something to eat!
Sorry! Can't help you!

(they enter the subway)

ALL BUT PRINCETON
We could go to the zoo!

TREKKIE MONSTER
Pick up girls at NYU!

BRIAN
We could sit in the park smoking pot!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Or not!

ALL BUT PRINCETON
There is life outside your apartment

PRINCETON
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot!

(*gunshot*, everyone screams and runs)

ALL
There is life outside your apartment
I know --

(*loud jackhammer* -- they cover their ears and swear)

There is life outside your apartment

(they look up in horror)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
I'm gonna jump!

ALL
Don't do it!

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Okay!

ALL
There is cool **** to do
but it can't come to you
So come on --

(*car screeches to a halt*)

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Get out of the way *******!

PRINCETON
**** you!

ALL
There is life outside your apartment!
Oh, you never know what's around the bend.
You could win the lotto or make a friend...

(Lucy enters, the guys eye her and turn to Princeton)

GUYS
Take her home to see your apartment...

LUCY
Do you wanna feel special?

GUYS
Special!

LUCY
I can see that you do.

GUYS
Ooooh-wah!

LUCY
Well, I can make you feel... special
if you let me feel you.

GUYS
She'll feel you!

LUCY
Where's your pad?

PRINCETON
Not too far!

GUYS
We could call you a car!

PRINCETON
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!

CHRISTMAS EVE
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!

ALL
There's life outside your apartment...

PRINCETON AND LUCY
But now it's time to go home!

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

PRINCETON
It's time to go home!

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

LUCY
I can make you feel special...

GROUP
There is life outside your apartment...

ALL
But now it's time to go home

TREKKIE MONSTER
For porn!

 

[Captain Brain]

'ello poppet.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

15. The More You Ruv Someone

(spoken)

KATE MONSTER
Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?

CHRISTMAS EVE
You think getting along same as loving? Sometimes love
right where you hating most, Kate Monster.

KATE MONSTER
Huh?

(sung)

CHRISTMAS EVE
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
The more you love someone
the more he make you cry.

Though you are try
for making peace
with them and loving,
that's why you love
so strong you like to
make him die!

The more you love someone
the more he make you crazy.
The more you love someone
the more you wishing him dead!

Sometime you look at
him and only see fat and lazy.
And wanting baseball bat
for hitting him on his head!

Love...

KATE MONSTER
Love...

CHRISTMAS EVE
And hate...

KATE MONSTER
And hate...

CHRISTMAS EVE
They like two brothers...

KATE MONSTER
Brothers...

CHRISTMAS EVE
Who go on a date.

KATE MONSTER
Who... what?

CHRISTMAS EVE
Where one of them goes,
other one follows.
You inviting love
he also bringing sorrows.

KATE MONSTER
Ah, yes.

CHRISTMAS EVE
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
Loving and killing
fit like hand in glove!

So if there someone
you are wanting
so to kill 'em,
you go and find him,
and you get him,
and you no kill him,
cause chances good...

CHRISTMAS EVE AND KATE MONSTER
He is your love.

 

[AmandaSparks730]

16. Schadenfreude

GARY COLEMAN
Right now you are
down and out and
feeling really crappy

NICKY
I'll say.

GARY COLEMAN
And when I see how
sad you are
it sort of makes me...
happy!

NICKY
Happy?!

GARY COLEMAN
Sorry, Nicky, human nature --
nothing I can do!
It's...
schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad
that I'm not you!

(spoken)

NICKY
Well that's not very nice, Gary!

GARY COLEMAN
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!

(sung)

D'ja ever clap when a
waitress falls and drops
a tray of glasses?

NICKY
Yeah...

GARY COLEMAN
And it ain't it fun to
watch figure skaters
falling down on their asses?

NICKY
Sure!

GARY COLEMAN
And don'tcha feel all
warm and cozy,
watching people
out in the rain!

NICKY
You bet!

GARY COLEMAN
That's...

GARY AND NICKY
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
People taking pleasure in your pain!

(spoken)

NICKY
Oh, schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?

GARY COLEMAN
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"

NICKY
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That IS German!

(sung)

Watching a vegetarian
being told she just
ate chicken

GARY COLEMAN
Or watching a
frat boy realize
just what he put his dick in!

NICKY
Being on an elevator
when somebody shouts
"Hold the door!"

GARY AND NICKY
"NO!"
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
"**** you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

NICKY
Oooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?

GARY COLEMAN
Exes getting STDs!

NICKY
Waking doormen from their naps!

GARY COLEMAN
Watching tourists reading maps!

NICKY
Football players getting tackled!

GARY COLEMAN
CEOs getting shackled!

NICKY
Watching actors never reach

GARY AND NICKY
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!
Schadenfreude!

GARY COLEMAN
The world needs people like you and me
who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.

NICKY
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!

GARY AND NICKY
You and me! Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
Making the world a better place...
to be!

GARY COLEMAN
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!