Never be afraid to start over...

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Did you ever read a book that was an inspiration to you? One that wasn't about weight loss? Well I just read the most amazing book for school and the ending hit me hard... a light bulb went off and I cried and cried and cried. The book is called Esperanza Rising. And one of the themes is "Never be afraid to start over". I have started over thousands of times. Everymorning for over almost 17 years I think. It came to the point where I was ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't have the willpower to make it through the morning. 9:00 am and I would already be saying that Tomorrow I can start. One more day of binging-- just to get it out of my system. My life became a string of "this is the last day" and tommorow is the "Official" day 1 that will be perfect, and everything will go perfectly. Like clockwork. I became afraid of starting over, and REALLY trying to loose weight, because I knew it wouldn't be perfect. If it wasn't "perfect" it wasn't an "honest" and successful way to loose weight. I would be dishonest and not worthy of the weight loss. So I just found ways to not do it. Excuses, reasons, rationalizing different ways to get around eating healthy and "celebrating" the fact that I could deviously find ways to eat out again. If I could come up with an excuse to be able to eat McDonald's 3x a day, it was a good day. I wasn't going to feel guilty about it, because I had my excuses all lined up in a row.

My first step is to realize it's ok to start over. I am worthy of health. I am not defined by my size unless I choose to do so. And I don't want to anymore. I created this person, I created my size so I could use it as an excuse. "I can't do that because of my size", or "they don't like me because of my size not becouse of me or my personality", or (and I think this is the most used or the most deeply rooted excuse) "If something doesn't work out, I can blame it on my size". It became a safety net of sorts. My insecurities needed a place to go, I fooled myself thinking that my size would be the excuse to make it all better, things would be ok. Well, it isn't all better. I looked to others for affirmation. I brought out negative attention... saying that I am doing WW and "rah, rah...everyone cheer for me". Looking for affirmation and laughing at myself with others doesn't help my self esteem, or make things go away. It makes it worse.

I know it is going to take some time to move into a positive view of myself. Beating yourself up for 17+ years takes its toll. As my first step I am giving myself permission to say... "Don't be afraid to start over". Don't look for affirmation from anyone else, if it comes your way accept it with your head held high, but use your strength that I know you have deep down to build your foundation of the person you want to become. Create you... the way you want to be...

Part of that came this morning. I got up and exercised, logged my food, did not go out to eat and made a concious effort to treat myself better. It wasn't a perfect day... but that's ok, because I started over... I stood up tall and proud and started over.....!

 

[Desiree]

Wow... I have chills from reading your post! Very well said and welcome back!!

 

[luvmy2sams]

Princess...

I could have written your post myself. It took a major back injury this year for me to wake up and realize that it is never too late but also that I don't want to wake up one more day filled with regrets of what might have been "if only...". I've had lots of bad days, and I'm sure there are more out there waiting for me, but I've finally made the decision to take care of myself because I deserve it. Congratulations on taking that first step!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

Thanks guys for your support. I feel so much better about myself since I have gained some focus in my life. I think the key to this fresh start is to exercise. The day just seems happier. I exercised this morning again and I feel so good about it!

 

[lulu201]

Starting over: isn't that what it's all about? Every morning we're given that fresh start.

Vija, I don't know if you've ever read any of the books by Kathleen DesMaisons: Potatoes, not Prozac, Your Last Diet, The Sugar Addicts Recovery--but they're full of very powerful stuff about food addictions, why we eat the way we do, and how we can help ourselves to the road of recovery. If you've ever read them, I'd be interested to hear your take on them.

We're all in this battle together.

Erin

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I feel like these are true confessions.... but this open and honest journaling is like a balm to my soul... helps me focus and discover myself again. Thanks for reading.....

Last night I was reading Oprah's website. Monday's show was about what made women let themselves go. Boy, did I ever. I used to be a cheerleader in HS. LOVED it! I used to have self confidence. LOVED LIFE and all it had to offer! That song "She's still preocupied, with 1985" is like a theme song for my life. I kept looking back, because I liked what I was back then. Young, pretty, full of vitality, life, spirit and no repsonsibilities. I had a great childhood and it was fantastic. College was more of the same... then I was getting married. I spent years (we were engaged for 4 years) planning the most perfect wedding... it was the best. I WAS the PRINCESS for a day and I was in my element. then what happened? I wasn't the focus anymore and I didn't know how to deal with it. I think that is when I started looking back and not enjoying the present. Looking back at what was and not what could be. Sure, I still had fun, we took vacations... on credit... went to Europe... on credit... went shopping almost every day....on credit... We had an amazing time..... on credit.....But soon we had to face up to that credit lie and it wasn't pretty. We were so far in debt. We just bought our house this year and we feel that things are turning around for us. We have 2 beautiful kids, and I have a wonderful husband. What I don't have yet is the person that I want to be. WHo am I fooling. My marriage was fantastic, but I let it go too. I am not the mom, wife and soul mate I want to be, I deserve to be, and my family deserves.

One thing I read last night was that the old you is gone. Don't try and resurrect that person because it isn't "you" anymore. What I take from that is don't keep looking back. Look to the now... what am I going to do right now to make my own comeback... stronger.... healthier...more confident...and more full of life than ever before?

Well that begins with the here and now. I am making dinner. Haven't done that in months (used school as an excuse). I also DID NOT WEAR my sweats today as is my usual dress code for winter. I put on a skirt and nice shirt. Soon I will put make up on too. I feel better when I dress up, so why not do it more often? I don't have a lot of dressy clothes, but I can make do with what I have and increase a nicer wardrobe in time.

I also am going to take care of the bills, and the house today. I have let that go and put all the responsibility on DH. He has picked up the pace and done it. It isn't fair to him that I have dumped on him. NO wonder he feels tired, exhausted and unhappy. It is time to be accountable. I want to be a good provider... that is part of what I want to become.

 

[keenercam]

GREAT job, Vija! Wishing you a strong new start and continuous forward progress. Your attitude is wonderful and will make all the difference on your journey. Everyone here is going to be so happy to provide support and encouragement, but it is so important that you approve of yourself, so kudos to you for doing stuff this morning of which you should be very proud! Hopefully you will find that having worked soooo hard to burn calories and taking steps to become more fit, you will feel very strongly that you don't want to sabotage those efforts by making poor food choices. Sending you and Really looking forward to sharing your journey!

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

the and made me smile! You guys are awesome. thanks for reading my thoughts. It does feel good to have them out. Erin, I haven't read those books yet, but they will certainly be on my list. I love reading, and am going to read lots to work on myself.

My sister just called. I told her all about where I am right now, and it felt good to share with someone in real life, but I am just sharing with you guys and her. I actually started crying when she mentioned that maybe I could ask DH to help me, and encourage me. I told her that he has tried so many times that he has given up. (I mean ALOT... like I said we have been together for 20 years. HS sweethearts. He has been a saint. I don't blame him for being done with it.) I told her that I want to prove to him that I can do it and make him proud. I am tired of letting him down. I am tired of letting my kids down, and I am tired of letting myself down. It is time to be proud of who I am and what I can do.

 

[BankBunny]

Princess VIJA you are an inspiration. I started a journal here about a mnth ago and haven't done too well thus far. I would have really good days (Most of them were) and some really bad days. I haven't written in it for about a week because I haven't done well this week at all. I do feel like I'm stuck in the "this is the last day; tomorrow is day 1 of my new start" rut. And I am too hard on myself. With me it's all or nothing. I need to recognize that I'm still doing better then I did before. I can do better and I will. Thank you for helping me to get in to a better frame of mind.

 

[wovenwonder]

Hi Vija!

I don't get over here too often but I was thinking of you and wondering how you were doing and I went in search to see what you have posted lately and I came upon THIS! I think today was the perfect day for me to go in search of you.

You have some great words of wisdom and inspiration posted here in your journal. Congratulations with working on getting your life back on track again.

 

[evilqueenfan]

I was looking for inspiration today as I start my journey of becoming the person I want to be. I found it in your post. Very moving. Thank you.

 

[Cruise04]

Just checking in to see how you are doing and welcome you back. Your posts have given me chills - me to a T!!!!! You are on the right track - took me a long time to really listen to everything that you posted and then in July I realized I was ready. I needed to get my life back on track and become the me I'm meant to be. Good job Vija!!!!!! Keep up the good work and hope you are doing well.

Take care
Keep on
Chris

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I have been making some good strides in some directions and feel I have been going backward in others. I am getting some more "house" movement in... instead of asking my kids to run downstairs and get something... I get off my but and go get it myself. My friend suggested that to me(we are supporting each other), and now that I look at it, WOW, was that selfish behavior or what? AND LAZY!!!!!!

One of the most stressful things in my life right now is the clutter... so very much stressful! But between going to school (have 3 major projects due by 12/7) working weekends, and doing family stuff at night, I don't seem to be getting anywhere in the declutter zone. HELP! I never truly believed how much clutter can "clutter" up a life. I have 1 month between school being done, and student teaching... (yeah, I am adding that to my list!) and I want to hit cleaning the house hard.. yet I have a scrapbook I have to make for my mom's 70th birthday, Christmas and everything else...

Now this week we crazily decided to host Thanksgiving.. and my DH's Godfather died, so we have his funeral to attend... Oh My, I feel stressed, how am I going to get the cleaning, cooking, and HOMEWORK in???

WOW, I just realized how much WHINING I was doing.... Hmmm, that sounded pretty pathetic all of a sudden... Can't put blame on anyone else...just get off your but and do it!

So, here's a plan...

Monday
Homework...
CMP get day 4 and day 5 written out with the ideas you have...
Portfolio... Standard 2 explanation
Math... homework pages
House... laundry, counter and bookshelf downstairs, desk downstairs, boxes in bonus room, tops of dressers in bedroom and DD's room

Tuesday...
Homework...
Portfolio standard 4 and standard 5
Review CMP
House...
Desk area, our closet, DS's room, more bonus room
Shop...
pick up food for Thursday

Wednesday...
Homework...
Portfolio standard 6 and 7
literacy work on citations for lesson plan
literacy do second lesson plan
Write up t chart for both lesson plans
Review CMP clean up holes

Home,
clean bathrooms, kitchen dining room, vacuum, straigten up kids rooms and bonus room
cooking/Thanksgiving...
mix casserole, mix dessert, set up table and chairs

Thursday..
Enjoy Thanksgiving!
Homework
Standard 8

Friday...
MY BIRTHDAY!!!! Enjoy the day
Homework
Standard 9

Saturday...
Homework
Standard 10

Sunday..
Review CMP

Monday...
Finalize CMP
Review and edit standards



Wow, that list is pretty demanding... well, time to get started!

 

[Jane E.]

Princess Vija, you've got a lot on your plate! Just take things one day at a time - one project at a time. I'm sorry to hear about your dh's grandfather. Sometimes everything seems to hit at once.

Have you ever heard of flylady? She does a declutter, clean house newsletter. I was on her list for a few months - several years ago. I loved the reminders she'd send. She believes in decluttering a few items at a time. She'd send out reminders to go thru your house, find 8 items & donate them to Goodwill - stuff like that.

Hang in there!

 

[Cruise04]

Looks like you have a good handle on what you need to do and a plan worked out. Hope it goes well!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Keep on
Chris

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

I posted this on the regular wish thread, but thought I would repost here. The thread has some great responses and has helped me put my motivation in perspective, and spark a sense of urgency and a "must do". Below is the incident... and beyond that is a link to the thread. thanks to all of you for your kind words.... it means so much!

---------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I was shopping with the kids at the Wal Mart. I was zipping through the kids clothes area and noticed these 2 women. Just noticed them, but zipped right passed them. As we left the area DS asked me if I heard what they said??? I said no, what did they say...

"How could that fat *** be their mother????"

OMG... I was so hurt, angry, humiliated, defeated and saddened all with that one comment. What did they mean by that? My kids are my life and are they saying becouse of my size I am unfit to be there mother???? Oh, I am so sad.... AND Angry that they said it loud enough for my DS to hear it. He was so sad and could not understand why someone would be so mean.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?p=10883128#post10883128

 

[Cruise04]

Just adding some more...



Keep on
Chris

 

[Cruise04]

Happy Holidays Princess Vija!

Hope you are doing well and everything is going okay. Hope you have a great holiday!

Keep on
Chris