I know it is irrational to think of myself as a failure, but it is just that tiny annoying thought that creeps in. I know that there was probably nothing else I could have done to make the outcome any different.
Regardless of where I work, I am not a religious person... however, the following is one of my favorite quotes: God's delay is not his denial. It is what I am trying to think of when the tears start to well up.
Awww, Jenn. I'm tearing up reading your posts and remembering how it felt to be on that roller coaster. It's such a very difficult process because it always has to be on your mind. You're always somewhere in your cycle, so you are constantly thinking of either when you need to have an ultrasound, or when you need this injection, or what day you need to start taking this particular supplement or drug. *SIGH* It really can be dizzying. I know your pain right now and I don't envy you.
But just hang in there. If it's meant to happen, it will.
I know that phrase doesn't help much, but just remember that God doesn't make mistakes. He knows exactly what you need and when you need it. I'm not a very religious person either. But that always gave me comfort somehow.
Keep your chin up!
Jenn,
My DH and I went for a ride on the roller coaster you are on right now, and I know it isn't very much fun. I know it is hard to accept the fact that there is nothing you did wrong, but it is true.
I am sorry you got negative results this month. I hope next month will be better.
I'm so sorry to hear this month offered another disappointment.
I can relate only too well, even the feelings of failure. Those feelings followed me into my parenting adventure, I'm afraid -- for a while I felt compelled to be super-mom just to be on the safe side. Not particularly logical, but hey, infertility can make you nuts. I'm happy to say that after a few months of sleep deprivation, dirty diapers and cleaning up spit-up, I felt certain that no one but a real mom would deal with THAT.
That was the truth for me, and it will be for you, too. No matter how and when your child comes to you, you'll recognize in your heart that they are yours and always were. But the waiting is excruciating, I know. Hang in there.
We went this morning for my day 11 U/S and bloodwork. I just got off the phone with the nurse and she had some good news. There are currently 2 eggs and they are a good size for where I am in my cycle. My estrogen levels are also in a good place. They are 108 (not that I know what THAT number means)... However, I do know that at this time during my cycle last month, my estrogen levels were only in the 50's. So them upping my Clomid from 100 mg to 150 mg appears to be working.
I go again for another U/S on Wednesday. I so hope that I can get this done by the end of the week (I need an excuse to lie around lazily all weekend)
... cross your toes in the mean times... works just the same and a bit easier for typing.
Good luck... and lucky you for getting this far. Unfortantly my only option is IVF because of genetic problems, and adoption isn't legal in florida. Kari's adopted and has always known she's wanted to adopt, and I've always wanted to be pregnant (evil hormonal ticking clock). Either way is really expensive. But for now Kari is my five year old.
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