neighbor kids...arrrrrg

[taximomfor4]

OP already spoke with the parents, right? Then time to call CPS. They won't jump in and take the kids, they will investigate and inform the parents if they are doing something wrong, or even questionable.

Our state apparently has no "magic age" but I DO know my friend had to deal with CPS when her 4th grader (9) was home alone for an hour or 2 several times per week. She didn't get a fine, court time, jail time, nothing like that -- was just told that she COULD get in trouble for child endangerment or something like that, so she had to make childcare arrangements.

As for the food thing, etc, just say No!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Well I'm no help. I grew up in the house that had an open door for all the neighborhood kids, and it was usual for everyone to come and go, getting snacks, a drink and use the bathroom whenever they wanted. Sometimes they were not friends of ours, we didn't even know their name, but somehow the word got around they would be welcome in our home. Best of luck, it's hard. The kids are just looking for someone to look after them, but of course that's not your job. It's a very hard place to be in.

 

[tasha99]

I'm no help. I had that happen years and years ago, and I had no idea how odd it was (my child was 2, but I had three kids coming over ALL the time, and they were 5, 8, and 12.) I made spagetti for them once, and they were amazed at the "restaurant food." Looking back, their mom was extremely depressed or on drugs. Their dad was borderline abusive, but I never saw anything that CDS would have acted on. I guess I'm glad to have just been there for that year (we were military, so we all moved and I never saw them again.)

 

[luvsJack]

Are they begging for food because they really are that hungry? If you think they may be really hungry, maybe you could get some cheap snacks to set out and maybe a pitcher of kool aid, lemonade or even water. Thinking that these kids might really be hungry would bother me more than anything.

 

[NotUrsula]

Most states don't have a specific age under which it is illegal to have child home alone, but most states also have a definition of neglect on the books. If the children are continually cruising around the neighborhood looking for food and the parents are willfully not supervising them, then that MIGHT legally be considered neglect.

We've never had kids do this to us, but I remember that my mother handled it quite well. She simply decided when playtime was over, and she came out and told the kids to go home. She wasn't mean about it, but it went something like, "Tommy, it was nice having you to play, but playtime has gone on long enough for today. You need to go home now. You can come play again tomorrow IF we are home."

The other thing that Mom did was have a designated "sharing snack" set out in the kitchen; usually something that was not all that attractive to kids, like carrot sticks or a bowl of tuna salad on ice. That was the only thing that we were allowed to offer friends other than water, and we didn't often have that many takers. (Kids raised on strictly "healthy" food have an unfailing nose for junk food treats, and most of the time when middle-class kids get a rep for constantly scrounging food, that's what they are after -- the goodies that their own home doesn't contain. Give them only boring things and they will stop asking unless they really truly are hungry and there is nothing at home.)

 

[pyrxtc]

sorry, but I would be allowing them in my house to eat (veggies) drink (water and kool-aid). I had a neighbor whose DD was alone a lot and would catch the bus in front of my house and I would bring her in to eat breakfast and make sure she had a school snack. She did that for a few years. Once she moved up to the middle school (my DD did not as she is a year younger) I didn't see her anymore. The summer after 6th grade, her mother decided to move in with a BF and left her home randomly coming to get clothes and such. nobody in the neighborhood knew or we would have gotten her and reported her mother. She was alone for over 2 months before her BIL found out and went and got her. Now her older brother lives there (mom moved ) and she lives with him after moving into her dads for a while. Nobody ever saw her mother anyways so no one thought it was odd to not see her. Poor girl.... still makes me sad. I would have even let her move in if I had known her mom was gone. I would rather have a kid here than home alone at that age.

 

[MulanUSAF]

When I was a kid, I used to be mortified when my grandmother offered snacks to my friends who come over. We're talking about Chinese snacks like dried prunes, seaweed crackers, ginger candy, etc. Perfectly fine treats for children as far as my grandmother is concerned, but nobody ever asked for seconds.

 

[PollyannaMom]

How about a visual for the kids.....a brightly painted wooden sign that you can hang from your fence. If it's up, they're allowed to knock on your door and come in the yard to play. If it's down (or turned over) they know they are not allowed to come over....

I was going to suggest this, too! We had one for our door for a while that was green on one side, red on the other. (Even the littlest ones can "read" that.) I would put up the red if I didn't want anyone ringing the bell because DS was sick, had too much homework, we had family over, etc. We live in a neighborhood with lots of kids, and I generally really enjoy it, but everyone has a few times when they need their space.

As for the snacks, I would probably just suck that up and buy some inexpensive stuff - popcorn when it's on sale, those big jars of animal crackers, freeze pops. Just go over the rules with your kids about what they can bring out, and when. (Or maybe make another sign saying "kitchen open/kitchen closed".) And I definitely agree with just putting out water for drinks.

If nothing else works, disappear on several days in a row - outing to the park, visit a relative, whatever. They may get into a different routine if you're not home.

 

[luvmy3]

Most states don't have a specific age under which it is illegal to have child home alone, but most states also have a definition of neglect on the books. If the children are continually cruising around the neighborhood looking for food and the parents are willfully not supervising them, then that MIGHT legally be considered neglect.

We've never had kids do this to us, but I remember that my mother handled it quite well. She simply decided when playtime was over, and she came out and told the kids to go home. She wasn't mean about it, but it went something like, "Tommy, it was nice having you to play, but playtime has gone on long enough for today. You need to go home now. You can come play again tomorrow IF we are home."

The other thing that Mom did was have a designated "sharing snack" set out in the kitchen; usually something that was not all that attractive to kids, like carrot sticks or a bowl of tuna salad on ice. That was the only thing that we were allowed to offer friends other than water, and we didn't often have that many takers. (Kids raised on strictly "healthy" food have an unfailing nose for junk food treats, and most of the time when middle-class kids get a rep for constantly scrounging food, that's what they are after -- the goodies that their own home doesn't contain. Give them only boring things and they will stop asking unless they really truly are hungry and there is nothing at home.)

I think thats really jumping to conclusions. My 3 kids have friends over all the time and they love to snack. I would hardly call the kids that are here starving or neglected just because they happen to want snacks.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the OP checking into the laws of her state and if there was something found that they legally cannot be left alone maybe she could go to the parents and tell them that info and see what happens. If they make arrangements for the days they are alone (I don't believe the OP said that it was everyday) then great, if not a call would be in order. Calling CPS at this point seems like quite an overreaction.

ETA Does the OP know for a fact that they are alone? Do the kids tell her that nobody is home? Could there be a grandparent there? All things to consider before actually making the call.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I think you need to cut them off completely for a period of time (maybe a week or two) and not give in at all. If you still give in to them some of the time, then it'll be worth their while to nag and beg. But if you're not giving in at all, they'll know you mean business.

Bleh, what a rough position to be in.

In my behavior modification classes, they told us that the reinforcement schedule that works the best is intermittent. And that is what you are doing. You are teaching them that sometimes it will work, so keep at it. You need to quit them cold turkey.

It sounds like there is a total lack of supervision. You said they get into trouble when you are not home and it sounds like they are asking for food from you because they aren't getting it at home. If that is the case, you may need to call CPS as that would be considered neglect- lack of supervision and lack of food.

I'ts nice to want to look out for the kids, but sometimes that can just make things worse. I remember years ago when I was volunteering in a special ed head start, we had a kid who came unwashed to school many days. We started bathing him in our sink, and it got significantly worse since the parents knew we would take care of it. It could be that by supervising/feeding them, the parents believe they don't have to do that. Maybe if you told them you would do it no longer- and stuck to it- they would be forced to do it themselves.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

DS has had several friends like this. While I symphathize with your feeling that you need to establish boundaries, for us, I basically just "adopted" the kids. I planned on dinners with them, and even made birthday cakes for them. Took them shopping with us, etc. There generally wasn't a Saturday night where someone other than our family slept over. My attitude about it made all the difference. And I was glad that I could make a positive influence in their lives.

Now that DS is 16, none of them come over anymore. I would never have thought it while I was dealing with it, I really miss the activity (and the appreciation that his friends would show for my cooking!). Best wishes.

That has been us. Our house was always the gathering place. There weren't very many times I resented the kids. It was not their fault.

Snacks don't have to be expensive; a bowl of popcorn, a bowl of baby carrots and ranch dip. A pitcher of water on the counter.

Think what a big difference you are making in the lives of these kids. I don't think I could ever tell a 7 year old they had to go home to an empty house.

 

[Tinkh]

God bless those little ones. They must be so lonely. Sorry you are having a hard time of it, but kids like these just hit me and make me feel sad. Yes, I am the sucker that would feed, take them on trips, cry for them, and then have my heart broken when reality reminded us that they really are not part of our family. Has happened many times and I am sure it will again.

 

[jemmouse]

I am a mom to an only child, not because we haven't tried for more, just because I am having a hard time conceiving more. So for me the more the merrier at the house. Plus I know how I supervise all the kids, I keep an ear and an eye on them at all times, and so many of the other parents in my neighborhood don't. And that is when the social issues and the fighting begins. So I guess long story short I don't mind having all the kids at my home, plus whenI was growing up it was the same at my house. I can however feel for you, because if it isn't your thing then it can be very demanding and who wants to feel that way. I hope you can find a resolution that fits for you and that your summer is a fun and relaxing time. Good luck.

 

[themilesfamily]

We have a lot of kids like this in our neighborhood and I've just learned to accept it -- and now I even enjoy the kids and the more-the-merrier atmosphere. I kind of miss them when they're not around. I like being the "go-to" house on the block.

I always keep cheap snacks around -- Little Debbies, apples, popcorn, Kool-Aid. It's kind of nice to watch all of the kids enjoy a snack and have fun together.

I just try to remember that my DD is only a kid once and I'm glad she has good, fun friends to play with. The kids won't be around forever.

There ARE days when I'm just out of sorts or PMS'ing or whatever. Then I just tell everyone "not today" and send them home. It's not like they can turn me down. It is still my house!

Good luck!!!

 

[Lauralee]

Those neighbors kids' PARENTS are taking advantage of you. You've already spoken with them and they've laughed at you. I'd venture a safe guess in saying they probably don't host neighborhood kids at their house, do they?

Since summer vacation from school is rapidly approaching, I would talk to them again before the situation becomes intense. Unfortunately, some people are just clueless, or don't really care, about neighborhood dynamics and it will be their kids who suffer because of their lack of action.

I'd find a time to approach these parents, maybe when you see them outside doing yard work, etc. Keep the conversation casual. Comment to them that you like seeing all the neighborhood kids playing together, they get along well, etc., but you've decided to make house rules regarding visitors so you can keep your own household running smoothly and on schedule. Tell them that it will be an adjustment for ALL the kids, but adjust they will. Don't make it sound like you're singling out their kids. You don't have to tell them what your rules are, but do say if you send kids home nobody should take it personally.

THEN, sit down with your own kids and make the rules. As PP's suggested, tell them what is allowed to be shared for snacks. You are in charge and you will decide if and when the rules have been broken. PERIOD.

You're not being mean or uncaring....just setting limits. Limits are sanity savers! If they break a rule, tell them what rule they broke, kindly pat them on the shoulder, and send them home. Give them a smile and tell them they are welcome to come back another time.