Need vs Want

[Alesia]

Think the OP has been long gone!!

She posted yesterday.

 

[SEA333]

As long as he is doing SOMETHING it really doesn't matter...if you both work outside of the home, it definitely should be 50/50 (NOT perfect--but both contributing, relatively equally). If you are a SAHM, this might not be as close to 50/50--BUT he should not expect you to do ALL household chores, either. You ARE working while at home. (unless when he comes home he takes 100% of kid duty--then maybe you could justify expecting you to do all household chores...)

A marriage is a team--both need to compromise & both need to do their fair share in all duties. Hope you guys find a solution!

But see? That's exactly what I was trying to convey: it will never be completely 50/50 as far as the amount of things each one does. So, I do the dishes every night (every great once in a while, he will do them), and he only mows the lawn once a week for 4 months out of the year. That doesn't seem 50/50 to me, BUT when the serpentine belt snapped in BOTH cars literally 36 hours apart (true story - happened last month), DH gave up his weekend to find a ride to the auto parts store, get filthy dirty, and replace both belts and a pulley wheel for $60 bucks. When my gas line leaked, he went under my car and replaced the line with a $8 hose, getting gas, dirt, and oil all over him. When the dryer kept shorting out, he took figured out it was the outlet, not the dryer, and took the cover off the outlet to find a gross ant nest inside that was causing the problem. He saved us time and money by not having to call an appliance repair man or electrician to take care of something a couple sprays of Raid handled in a few seconds. (And FWIW, DH works 50 hours a week as a title analyst for a fortune 500 corporation, so after an hour commute home and both of us coaching sports that demand 15 hours/week of our time, he is still willing to get under the car to fix a problem)

Just because my "chores" happen to have to be done every day and his are random doesn't mean that we are less than 50/50. We have played to the strengths of each other and it works. We also have our "things" that bother us, mine happen to be dirty dishes and dirty laundry. His are dust, nonvacuumed floors, and the bed not being made. So it has evolved over time that we pretty much each take care of what bothers us the most. I take one for the team and do the bathrooms. He takes one for the team and changes my dead battery in -4 degree weather. Our division of labor happens to be more gender divisive, but if the female in the relationship loves working on cars and the male hates soap scum in the shower, by all means, let them have at it! I have worked out of the home and as a SAHM, and I have never worried about things being "equal". I'd drive myself crazy with that. We both just do what needs to be done. Without keeping score. For 20 years now.

 

[barkley]

First of all, OP, congratulations on your new baby!

No judgment here, but I do feel I have to tell you about something real. I would worry much more about germs than anything else. Here's why: When my baby spent a long time in hospital, she was often beside another baby whose lovely family I got to know. The other little girl had been born perfectly healthy, but as a young infant, she contracted salmonella. That sweet little girl spent her first birthday in hospital, then her first Christmas, and then her second birthday, in and out of intensive care. Finally, she died. . . .

I'm no neatnick, so I won't judge. I have heaps of clean laundry to fold and paperwork to organize. That said, it's clear to me that keeping a hygenic kitchen is absolutely required for safety when you have little ones.

I hope that you and your husband can work out a routine that works for both of you.

excellent point-hygiene is SO important, important enough that it's one of the first things I would read detailed out in child welfare home visit reports-the amount/state of dirty dishes in the kitchen/the height (yup, it was actually measured) of dirty laundry. when dh and I had kids we would start joking if the dirty laundry basket got too full that it was exceeding the recommended dshs height mandates

I'm lucky-dh has the same cooking/cleaning habits I do. anything that gets dirty in preparation gets rinsed during prep/cooking time and put in the dishwasher (if it has to soak it gets sprayed with orange cleaner, set in the sink until after dinner is eaten then cleaned to go into the dishwasher with the dishes). our kids have seen this for years and have picked up on the habit pretty well.


honestly-this post could have been written by my dd, but she is not married, only 20 and just moved into a place with 4 college students. she was disgusted by the amount of dishes that would pile up, and how long they would sit (dishwasher was never available b/c someone would run it but not empty it). she complained to me so I told her that if she didn't like it she needed to address it with the roommates. she did and now they have rotating 'dish duty'. the one with duty has to keep the dishes clean (and put away). since it's been implemented people have been more conscious of their own habits (much more inclined to rinse and put in the dishwasher). they could use paper plates and plastic utensils, but they realized pretty quickly how fast that fills up the trash can, which fills up the garbage bin-all which increase costs (paper products, garbage liners, extra trash pickups from the sanitation company...). they absolutely enjoy eating out-but even they realize it's much more cost effective to minimize it.


I dunno-dh and I have always been the type to see that something needs to get done and do it. we both appreciate being able to live in/raise our kids in clean, well maintained environments so if that means him tossing in a load of laundry, or me sweeping off the walkways (so pine needles don't get into the carpet) we just do it.

 

[Patience]

Barkley, my 20 year old daughter in college has been dealing with the same problem except that one girl just will not cooperate. She leaves her dirty dishes in the sink and will not rinse them or put them in the dishwasher no matter how many times my daughter and her other roommate ask her to and is quite defiant about it. They usually end up doing the dishes because they can't stand it but they recently told the other roommate that they were going to start bagging up her dirty dishes in a garbage bag and if she didn't clean them within a day or two, they would be presumed to be trash and taken to the dumpster with the other trash. My daughter and the other roommate are keeping their own clean dishes in their rooms.

 

[lauradis]

I would just do the dishes myself. I'm lazy about pots and pans. I soak them at night and wash in the morning.

Everyone rinses dishes and piles next to sink or puts in dishwasher if empty.

Plus he can alway wash the dish he uses that was cleaned by the dishwasher before he uses it.

This isn't about dishes this is a power struggle. Give in, give up and treat him well and if he is a good guy he will come around.

Reward the good things he does, ignore the bad behavior.

 

[Pigeon]

This is the most depressing thread I've read in a long time. If my husband mistook me for the maid, I'd rather be single. I can't wrap my head around all the posts that say if he treats you like a doormat, you should just put on a smile and wash those dishes.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I have a question OP, did this gone in your parents marriage? Did your dad help out in the home.

Is this how is home was run before you married him? You must of seen something in his parents home before marrying him.

I am not trying to be judgmental. But you knew what he was like before you got married.

Marriage is a time to work together, not fight over dishes, laundry and other chores. But it sounds like you two need to sit down and have a good heart to heart talk. As there are deeper issues for his attitude in the home. These issues were there before you got married.

But with a baby in the home the chores need to get done. Especially keeping the kitchen clean.

I hope you get this resolved soon before your issues becoming bigger later down the road.

 

[lauradis]

This is the most depressing thread I've read in a long time. If my husband mistook me for the maid, I'd rather be single. I can't wrap my head around all the posts that say if he treats you like a doormat, you should just put on a smile and wash those dishes.

Its simple because they are just dishes.

Are the dishes really worth all the stress and arguing.

He maybe a great guy minus the slob part.

Shocking as it may be some woman didn't swallow the fem koolaid.

 

[lauradis]

He wants to complain that putting them in the dishwasher doesn't get them clean enough ? Well, guess what, sitting dirty in the sink for two weeks ain't getting them clean either.

He can't complain about doing it the two ways available, and yet still do it neither way.

Get a different dishwasher detergent and tell him to get over himself.



My husband tried to pull this same crap with doing laundry. He didn't want anything of his going in with the general household laundry. ......because he didn't want to help fold or put anything away and if his laundry was mixed in, he would have to help.

Well guess what, I haven't washed a single effin thing of his in years. I wouldn't give two hoots if he had to go out and buy new cloths before I washed something of his until he gives up the childish act.

(PS, he still helps fold the kids laundry, so, not like his tactic is really working for him )

had one of those. You know what cured him? Not nagging, *****ing ect. Just simply folding all the cloths on our bed and piling them on top of his dresser.
Well only his cloths on the dresser. When I get home and the cloths are all put away, I lean over and give him a warm hug and small kiss. thank him.

I'm telling you guys you get way more and better reactions if your sweet and reward the behavior that you want.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

had one of those. You know what cured him? Not nagging, *****ing ect. Just simply folding all the cloths on our bed and piling them on top of his dresser. Well only his cloths on the dresser. When I get home and the cloths are all put away, I lean over and give him a warm hug and small kiss. thank him. I'm telling you guys you get way more and better reactions if your sweet and reward the behavior that you want.

So you wash and fold all your husband's clothes and then you thank *him* for putting just his own away?

I must have swallowed too much of the fem kool aid as one poster put it.

I get that they're "just" dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. and one of those things in itself isn't going to take down a marriage without other problems. I also get that "real stuff" in life happens that truly tests you.

However, all these "it's just x" can add up to a lack of respect for the other person. I'm not saying it has to be 50/50 but if I'm doing all the cooking and the cleaning and my husband complains the dishwasher doesn't get the dishes clean but won't do them, I'd feel very disrespected and more like help than a partner, especially with a new baby.

I'm sure the housework division varies from home to home so sometimes it helps to take a step back to see what all the other person really does.

In general though, in these situations it's not usually about the dishes or whatever, it's about respect and value so it's sometimes good to step back and evaluate why x makes you so mad.

 

[sunshinehighway]

So you wash and fold all your husband's clothes and then you thank *him* for putting just his own away?

I must have swallowed too much of the fem kool aid as one poster put it.

I get that they're "just" dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. and one of those things in itself isn't going to take down a marriage without other problems. I also get that "real stuff" in life happens that truly tests you.

However, all these "it's just x" can add up to a lack of respect for the other person. I'm not saying it has to be 50/50 but if I'm doing all the cooking and the cleaning and my husband complains the dishwasher doesn't get the dishes clean but won't do them, I'd feel very disrespected and more like help than a partner, especially with a new baby.

I'm sure the housework division varies from home to home so sometimes it helps to take a step back to see what all the other person really does.

In general though, in these situations it's not usually about the dishes or whatever, it's about respect and value so it's sometimes good to step back and evaluate why x makes you so mad.

I totally agree. It's not just a simple issue of him not washing dishes if he's also trying to tell the op how she should wash them.
The laundry issue that you quoted also struck me as odd. If one is washing, sorting and folding the laundry, they are doing it all. Putting your clothes away, clothes that were washed and folded neatly on your dresser, is not thank you worthy. Maybe it is for a child who is starting to get chores but not an adult.

 

[hsmamato2]

In general though, in these situations it's not usually about the dishes or whatever, it's about respect and value so it's sometimes good to step back and evaluate why x makes you so mad.

yes..and that is exactly why just doing those dishes might be a good idea.... OP has to decide what she wants in her own home,peace and happiness,clean surrounding,arguing,fighting,unsanitary conditions...... there are choices,and yes, reality means just being a 'big girl' and doing something that needs to be done,without anger and fighting.OP seemed to say later on that yes, she was indeed neglecting to mention that her DH does do plenty of household chores that she herself doesn't do...this came down to dished or grocery shopping. 2 minor things, that have grown way out of control. They are a family,and ALL families are happier when there is no fighting over nonsense(even if one spouse feels 'justified')

 

[ronandannette]

Are we still talking about this? 6 pages back some wise person told the OP to just USE THE DISHWASHER, for pity sakes! problem solved and in the time it's taken for her to follow this thread many, many dishes could have been washed.

 

[Pigeon]

If thinking that I should be treated as an equal is drinking the Koolaid, pass me more.

When we were newly married, my husband had a job that got him home around 3pm and I didn't get home till 6pm. He would sit around waiting for me to come home to cook dinner every single night. We had a talk, I showed him the cookbooks, but still, most nights there he sat waiting for me to feed him.

A couple of nights in a row, I picked up dinner for myself or came home and cooked one portion of something, sat down at the table and ate my meal. It only took a couple of nights for him to catch on.

In the OP's case, I'd basically do the same. Her husband has opposable thumbs and is capable of washing dishes. Unless you have very unusual technique, you don't need to use any ladybits to wash a pot.

 

[SEA333]

Are we still talking about this? 6 pages back some wise person told the OP to just USE THE DISHWASHER, for pity sakes! problem solved and in the time it's taken for her to follow this thread many, many dishes could have been washed.

Yes, some people are still responding to this thread....same as you. In the time it takes one to catch up and respond with their disbelief that people are still talking about an issue that touches 100% of marriages (what's the divorce rate now? Close to 60%?) - communication and respect for each other - one might have been able to cure cancer or otherwise save the world.

Or, maybe they will just choose to continue on with an otherwise civil and relatable subject. It really comes down to personal choice, doesn't it.

 

[SEA333]

If thinking that I should be treated as an equal is drinking the Koolaid, pass me more.

When we were newly married, my husband had a job that got him home around 3pm and I didn't get home till 6pm. He would sit around waiting for me to come home to cook dinner every single night. We had a talk, I showed him the cookbooks, but still, most nights there he sat waiting for me to feed him.

A couple of nights in a row, I picked up dinner for myself or came home and cooked one portion of something, sat down at the table and ate my meal. It only took a couple of nights for him to catch on.

In the OP's case, I'd basically do the same. Her husband has opposable thumbs and is capable of washing dishes. Unless you have very unusual technique, you don't need to use any ladybits to wash a pot.

And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. If its not equal in the eyes of those who have "ladybits", its not right?

I stand by my belief that equal is in the eye of the beholder. If I can be saved from having to dispose of one mouse in a mousetrap my entire life, doing the dishes myself every single night more than equals out. And it doesn't take "manbits" to dispose of a mouse, but I sure am grateful that I have someone who would do it if he ever had to!

My DH and I are too busy trying to raise good kids to worry about keeping score. If the house is in decent shape, homeworks done, kids are bathed and happy, and my car runs at the end of the day, I don't really care who did what. I would never get myself something to eat as a lesson to be learned for DH. Hes my husband, not my kid. Its not my place to teach him consequences. That's what his mommy was for.

(Eta And unless you worked part time, im sure your DH getting up three hours earlier in the morning was no picnic either. On an equal 8 hour workday, just because one gets home earlier, why does that person have to be responsible for the evening meal? Did you worry about his breakfast since you got to start work later? Seems to be a doublestandard at play here. I get home 2 hours earlier than DH now, and rarely have dinner ready. But I start earlier than him, wake up earlier, and he takes kid responsibility in the am, and I take it in the pm. Homework, activities, chats about problems at school, etc all get in the way of me having dinner plans solidified b the time he gets home. I couldn't imagine him or i disrespecting each other by choosing to securing our own meal rather than looking out for each other.

But to each his own. Proud to say we have been together for 24 years and counting.

 

[JanaDee]

had one of those. You know what cured him? Not nagging, *****ing ect. Just simply folding all the cloths on our bed and piling them on top of his dresser. Well only his cloths on the dresser. When I get home and the cloths are all put away, I lean over and give him a warm hug and small kiss. thank him. I'm telling you guys you get way more and better reactions if your sweet and reward the behavior that you want.

I appreciate and thank DH for some things he does around the house. However, it will be a cold day in Hell before I thank him for putting his clothes away that I sorted, washed, dried and folded.

It is called being a grown up. If you want hugs and kisses for a chore you should just do, live with your mommy.

 

[SEA333]

I appreciate and thank DH for some things he does around the house. However, it will be a cold day in Hell before I thank him for putting his clothes away that I sorted, washed, dried and folded.

It is called being a grown up. If you want hugs and kisses for a chore you should just do, live with your mommy.

I believe that op's point is "you catch more bees with honey than vinegar"

No matter how you do it or for what reason, thanking someone even for little things gets you a lot farther than being snotty about it. I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean that she grovels at his feet everytime he puts his socks away.

It is amazing to me how many women here are more interested in a scorecard than figuring out what makes their relationships tick and are unwilling to let go on a thing ot two for the good of their family/marriage.

(Now i'll sit back and wait for everyone to backpedal about how awesome they"really" treat their husbands)

 

[pls5286]

Right now my DF is having to do 90% of the household duties. My DD11 helps do what she can like helping clean the kitchen, cooking, and feed and water the dogs and cat. About the only thing I can do is prep work that can be done sitting down and fold laundry. There is no way that anyone in my house will let the dishes sit for 2 weeks. The dishes in the sink from last night are driving me crazy, but I can't do anything about it. He was exhausted from working on the farm and cleaning the yard yesterday and wanted to just sit when he got done with supper. I will have my DD unload and load the dishwasher when she gets home and just stack the clean dishes on the counter so someone taller can put them up.

 

[JanaDee]

I believe that op's point is "you catch more bees with honey than vinegar" No matter how you do it or for what reason, thanking someone even for little things gets you a lot farther than being snotty about it. I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean that she grovels at his feet everytime he puts his socks away. It is amazing to me how many women here are more interested in a scorecard than figuring out what makes their relationships tick and are unwilling to let go on a thing ot two for the good of their family/marriage. (Now i'll sit back and wait for everyone to backpedal about how awesome they"really" treat their husbands)

What makes my relationship "tick" is treating my husband like an adult and expecting him to act like one.

To turn it around, how often does you husband thank you for doing the dishes or the laundry or the multitude of other daily things it takes to run a household?

I let go of A LOT of things for the good of the marriage/family - thanking an adult for doing an expected chore isn't one of them.