Need Toddler Advice - Please help!!!

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

I have an 18 mo old grandson. He is the love of DH and my life. Yes, our DD has been replace. LOL Well at least upstaged. Anyway we watch him for DD while she attends college classes. We enjoy spending this time with DGS a lot. Well a new situation has arisen for which I seek any and all advice:

We live a bit away from DD, DSIL and DGS so we take DGS to our house from Monday morning at 9:15 until Thursday afternoon around 1:30. We pick him and drop him off each week. During his time with us besides his usual daily schedule we plan fun activities to do with him (playground, picnics, fun centers, carnivals, library, gymboree, pool time, wagon rides, etc). His other grandparents watch him on Fridays from 9-3. (at times DGS will stay with us until Friday if other they have plans). So he is with us 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 full days on most weeks DD has classes M-F.

When we drop him off on Thursday's he normally will cry when we go to leave which is heartbreaking enough however the real issue is after we are gone.

DGS goes into an full on emotional crying jag for hours. Someimes this starts immediately and other times its after he wakes up from his afternoon nap. His mommy has to hold him or he just screams. Its not temper just non stop crying at the top of his lungs. During this time he refuses to eat, drink or play. Sometimes he will lay down and just wimper then starts crying again. If he does stop for a short period he will just sit next to her listlessly. She has no idea what to do. After she has ruled out fever or illness and what must seem like forever to DD, he begins to quiet down and slowly goes back to his old self, a very happy, fun loving, and adventurous little toddler.

Now this does not happen every single week but often enough to seek others opinions. He is fine the rest of the weekend. When it happens, it's just that first day back home.
Note: DD is taking him to see his ped today to make sure everything health wise is okay and to seek his doctor's advice as well.

I feel DGS is going through some sort of transitional thing due to the change from one caregiver to other, one household to another. I've told DD to hold and comfort him more and to give him extra time and attention during this first day back with her each week. Perhaps have a fun activity for the two of them to do waiting for him.

Hers and our scheduales are very similiar. We do fun outings together as a whole family often. DGS is very familiar with all three households. He is a healthy, well fed, normal and well adjusted toddler. This never use to happen just in the last two months. We don't know of anything we are doing differently to cause this. We have watched him since he was born so our sitting practices are nothing new. We have a wonderful relationship with our little peanut and would like to keep it that way. He has an equally good one with his other grandparents. He is very well loved. We would like to try and ease these little fits of his as much as possible. We don't know if its a stage he is going through or what? So that is where you come in.

Have any moms or grandmoms out there expierenced anything like this before and if so what did you do? DD and I would appreciate any insight or advice you can give. Thank you!!

 

[DisneyTigers]

It sounds like your DGS is very well loved, and as a busy mom who lives VERY far away from any grandparents, I am sure your DD is very thankful for your help!

I think you are right on regarding your DGS's behaviour having something to do with changing caregivers. We adopted our youngest son when he was 14 months old, and I have probably done WAY too much research on all of this, but given your description, I would say that his issues are perhaps attachment related, especially since you are the ones he spends the vast majority of his time with and has since birth. When he transitions from your home to his Mom's, he is essentially being asked to detach from you (who are really his primary caregivers at this point) and to attach to her, which can be very traumatic for children.

When our son was in his orphanage, he would have a very difficult time when the caregivers changed shifts, so we were told; it would take him a while to warm up to the next shift. He always did, but he would attach strongly to his caregivers because they cared about him, and transitions were very difficult. When he came home, the good news was that he attached to us rather quickly, but he became hysterical when we (esp me, the mom), left the house. Many children in this situation must go thru months of intense attachment therapy where their Mom or Dad is the ONLY caregiver - feeding, bathing, diaper changes, etc, so that the child learns to depend on them and prefer them over all others.

Not to say that your DGS issues are this intense, and he certainly is not an orphan, but I think the principle issues regarding attachment are the same for all children. My advice would be that he really needs to attach to his Mom. Maybe you could go and stay at his house M-Th so that you are there during the day to help, but SHE is the one who gets him up in the morning, takes care of his physical needs in the morning and at night, bathes him, and puts him to bed.

Like I said, I am no expert and I would never assume anything about anyone's situation, BUT, this given your description, this is definitely something I would pursue, but BEWARE: not all pediatricians are sympathetic toward attachment issues - learned that the hard way!

 

[puffkin]

Not to say that your DGS issues are this intense, and he certainly is not an orphan, but I think the principle issues regarding attachment are the same for all children. My advice would be that he really needs to attach to his Mom. Maybe you could go and stay at his house M-Th so that you are there during the day to help, but SHE is the one who gets him up in the morning, takes care of his physical needs in the morning and at night, bathes him, and puts him to bed.

My DS was about this age when he really started to notice if we were away too much. He has been in daycare from 3 months old and was used to a very consistent schedule but still had some issues.

I don't have much advice except that it seems like it might be time for your DD to become the primary caregiver in his life and not you. I don't really know how that would work given the logistics of your situation but I agree that your current situation might not work anymore now that he is older. I think the suggestion about might be a good one. Another idea is to have your daughter read a bunch of different story books onto tape. Then use those when your son is in your care so that he is still being "cared" for by his mom.

I am by no means any type of expert or trying to be judgemental but from the outside looking in he is at the age where he is going to start noticing the absense of his mother. It might be time for a change in the arrangement.

 

[littlemermaid95]

I don't mean to be judgmental either, but his mom needs to be his primary caregiver. I can't imagine sending my kids to my parents' for almost 4 days at a time every week. That is not fair to the little guy to be moved around so much. Maybe mom needs to cut back on her college classes.

 

[eyor44]

Wow! What a great help you at to your DD. How wonderful it is that you can help her this way. Is there room at DD's house where you could take your DGS over the night before and you spend the night and then leave the next morning? This might make the transition a little easier. You would be there, yet let DD to the meals, baths, etc. It is probably just a stage he is going through. All three of my children have done it and at about this age. They would become completely attached to me and not want me out of their sight and not want my DH at all. We both had to work very hard to get them through this stage. Does DGS play by himself any at your house? DD is in school which probably means that she has to study even on weekends. If he has your undivided attention 24/7 and not hers, this could be one issue. I had to teach my DD that it was okay for her to play by herself for short periods of time. Something we both needed. She would switch who she wanted all the times every few months. Still does it on occasion, but is getting better. DS always wanted me for the basics and his Dad for fun. He's 13 and still comes to me for the basics (food and clean clothes) and Dad for fun.
Good luck and realize it is most likey a stage and just something you all will have to help him through together.

 

[Rylee]

This is a very normal developmental stage that most children will go through to some degree or another, and it usually peaks right around your grandson's age.

However, while normal, the problem seems to be, he has separation anxiety when separating for you, the grandparents.

I understand your concern about the crying spells, and if this is the only, or best childcare arrangment, then, yes, you should seek answers to lessen his anxiety until he outgrows this stage. However, I think it would be better to address the underlying problem of who your grandson feels is his primary caregiver and why he seems more attached to his grandparents than his own parents. While I have always fostered and cherished the relationship my children have with my mother, I think it would be emotionally healthier for your grandson to have a stronger bond with his own mother.

Is there any way your daughter can lighten her class load, to spend more time with her child? Or, perhaps you could care for him in his own home a couple of days, so he sees more of his parents, or at the very least, take him home earlier on Thursdays, so he has time to adjust to his surroundings before also needing to adjust to switching caregivers.

Your grandson is a very lucky little boy to be so loved and well cared for by his family.

 

[jellybeans0607]

IDK, i guess it sounds like he views your house as his "home". Really, thats a problem and will be until he has a perminent home.

Don't get me wrong I think it's wonderful what you are doing for her, but maybe it's time for to set up a daycare near her for only times she is in school or working.

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I adopted my DD when she was 16 months old and this (like the above poster mentioned) seems to be attachment related. While DGS is well loved, he is being transitioned from home to home. Is it possible for DD to move closer so that DGS is able to come home to her each night? Or is it possible to meet mid-way everyday? Is DSIL able to pick him up?

In my opinion, it seems like DGS is getting confused on who his parents are... and is replacing the bond he should have with his mother, with you. This is a lot of emotional stress on such a little guy.

 

[DannysMom]

Have any moms or grandmoms out there expierenced anything like this before and if so what did you do? DD and I would appreciate any insight or advice you can give. Thank you!!

I agree with you/ other posters that it sounds like a problem with transitions. At 18 months old I'm guessing that your grandchild's receptive language skills are probably more advanced than his/her expressive language skills. Meaning that s/he understands a whole lot more than s/he can talk about about and tantrums / screaming fits are about the only way they can express their unhappiness with a situation.

When my son was about that age he started a phase where he screamed bloody murder when my husband came home from work. I'm a SAHM & my husband has a long commute & is out of the house 10-12 hours a day. It nearly broke my husband's heart. He comes home after a long a day, looking forward to seeing his son, and the last thing our son wanted (so it seemed) was to see him. It was a problem with transitions.

SO I started making a BIG production of expecting Daddy home. Sing song voice, "Daddy should be home soon, let's go look for him!" Opening the front door, so we could see out the storm door, "nope, no daddy yet" & repeat ad naseaum every few minutes until my husband walked in the door. Solved the problem pretty quick.

So whoever is handling the caregiving when a transition is about to occur just needs to be very conscious about explaining to the little one what is going to happen and when they can expect. Be very verbal and very positive. Repeat things more times than you think you should have to. Eventually his/her brain, emotions, verbal skills, and coping ability all mature and they magically morph from screaming tantruming toddlers into little kids that you can actually carry on a conversation with, it's really cool.

 

[tricia]

I agree with you/ other posters that it sounds like a problem with transitions. At 18 months old I'm guessing that your grandchild's receptive language skills are probably more advanced than his/her expressive language skills. Meaning that s/he understands a whole lot more than s/he can talk about about and tantrums / screaming fits are about the only way they can express their unhappiness with a situation.

When my son was about that age he started a phase where he screamed bloody murder when my husband came home from work. I'm a SAHM & my husband has a long commute & is out of the house 10-12 hours a day. It nearly broke my husband's heart. He comes home after a long a day, looking forward to seeing his son, and the last thing our son wanted (so it seemed) was to see him. It was a problem with transitions.

SO I started making a BIG production of expecting Daddy home. Sing song voice, "Daddy should be home soon, let's go look for him!" Opening the front door, so we could see out the storm door, "nope, no daddy yet" & repeat ad naseaum every few minutes until my husband walked in the door. Solved the problem pretty quick.

So whoever is handling the caregiving when a transition is about to occur just needs to be very conscious about explaining to the little one what is going to happen and when they can expect. Be very verbal and very positive. Repeat things more times than you think you should have to. Eventually his/her brain, emotions, verbal skills, and coping ability all mature and they magically morph from screaming tantruming toddlers into little kids that you can actually carry on a conversation with, it's really cool.

I agree with the above. It does seem to be an attachment issue, but sometimes a proper transition can help alleviate the situation. My boys both hated transition. Leaving the play room to go to the dinner table, leaving the house to go for groceries, leaving the swimming pool, leaving grandma's house, etc. They all caused stress. Usually several 'warnings' about what was going to happen next helped. Even using an analog clock at that age was helpful. "when the big hand gets to the 3 we are leaving, that is 30 minutes from now" repeat every 5 minutes. even when they are old enough to say "alright mom, I get it" it is sometimes needed with my two.

In this case the calendar might me more appropriate. Buy 2 the same and use it at both households to teach the little one the schedule. Cross off days with him every morning as they go and maybe mark transition days with a particular sticker. That way maybe he will start looking forward to transition days and seeing his other caregiver, whether you or mom.

 

[nessz79]

Agreeing that the little boy needs to be at his mom's house for evenings and night time. Sounds like both mom and son need to seriously bond.

My sons went through stages where they would cry for either me or grandma, depending on who they were leaving. I had the boys go to grandma's house when we worked. HOWEVER, we picked them up right after work and took them home every day. They went through phases where they adored their grandma seemingly as much as me. They always knew who their mom was, though, and were always more attached to me than their grandma, overall. However, I can remember feeling very hurt and wishing I didn't have to work at all.

I can imagine your daughter must be feeling distraught about this. I know I would be. You probably are, too, knowing your grandson is going through this emotional stress!

 

[lil mermaid]

IDK, i guess it sounds like he views your house as his "home". Really, thats a problem and will be until he has a perminent home.

Don't get me wrong I think it's wonderful what you are doing for her, but maybe it's time for to set up a daycare near her for only times she is in school or working.

I agree. I think that you DGS thinks of you as his primary caregivers. You sound like amazing grandparents. But your DGS needs to spend more time with his own Mommy.

to you, you sound like a really wonderful Grandma!

 

[tzolkin]

OP: I just wanted to let you know that I had a similar situation with my parents that you seem to with your DD and everything has turned out fine. My parents watched my DD Mon-Thurs while I went to school and worked. We did not have the transition issues you're facing because I "lived" with my parents, so my DD stayed in the same house all week. (I had a dorm at the college that I stayed at those evenings and I also worked 30 hours per week. I did all of my classes/school work and got in my 30 hours of paid work Mon-Thurs and then had the weekends completely free to just spend time with my DD.)

I believe you said you drop him off at home. Some other posters suggested arriving early (or even the night before) so it doesn't just seem like you're dropping him off at another house. I don't really have any suggestions, but I feel for your DD.

I think it's wonderful that you are giving your DD the opportunity to complete her education. I know she and your grandson will appreciate it.

 

[ampc3]

I don't really have any words of wisdom, I just wanted to say how lucky your DD is to have parents like you, that are soo caring and helpful.. and it shows how much you love your DGS what a blessed family you all have... kudos to you... good luck...

 

[tanyaandallie]

He is throwing a fit because he considers you his primary care giver and is likely very upset when you leave and he is left with mom and dad who he really spends very little time with. IMO having a child that is only 18 mos living in 2 different households is far too confusing. Your grandchild needs to understand who mom and dad are and who his grandparents are. At this point it sounds like he is very confused about who is who and really needs to spend some time bonding with mom and dad.

I don't mean to sound judgemental, but why on earth do mom and dad not want their child during the week? I simply cannot imagine not being with my child at all during the week. HAve they not considered a child care arrangement that would allow them to care for their child in the evenings?

 

[brandylouwho]

Well, this sounds about normal for this age, although as many previous posters have suggested--your situation (essentially he has 2 households) is likely making it a bit more exaggerated than in the average household.

My 16 month old only wants me to take care of her--even when her father is practically begging to take care of her. It was not always this way, but I became a SAHM in July and within a month or so she became my shadow and ultra attached to me. It is driving us nuts. We purposely have me leave the house more (or go upstairs/out of sight for awhile) so that she has to let her dad take care of her...and that works when I am gone, but we have yet to completely break of her of the habit--if I am in sight she wants me.

So frustrating, but I believe the OPs grandson is lucky to have 2 families to care for him (even if confusing) there are far too many kids in this world that don't get enough love from anyone.

A little OT, but my mom was a teenage mother and as a result my grandmother helped her out a lot. I was very close to my grandma and was distraught when my parents did get married and we had to move out of grandma's house (I was 3), but I eventually got used to it and it hasn't left me scarred for life or anything. Plus, I enjoy a very close relationship with my grandma to this day.

 

[YellowMickeyPonchos]

The same type of thing can happen even when your child is at home with you.

My situation - I telecommuted for my work for 5 years. I was in my home office for 10 hours/day - very busy job. Along came my girls and I had an in-house nanny. I arranged my duties so I came downstairs often and even took long breaks to play with them. When my nanny would leave for the day, I would have to deal with the crying jags, the calls for my nanny and the whole nine yards.

It stank. From the mom's perspective - it's a rough thing to deal with and makes you feel like incredible crap when your child appears to love someone else way more than you. (She also preferred her father to me, then, too - even more rejection! ) It's a phase though. The same daughter that used to do that (who is almost 3.5) now turns to me a lot more and I am the preferred snuggle provider.

Your daughter's situation won't last forever and neither will this issue (she'll graduate and a new scenario will happen). Tell her to hang in there. Obviously you are ALL doing what you think is best for your GS's and families future and you have to keep telling yourself that. Having someone else tell you that your daughter needs to change her situation may not be productive, as there are some things that can't be reworked to achieve a specific, long term goal. If her goal is to get through school quickly to get a well-paying job to support her family independently, then your scenario has to happen! (I am looking at having to go back and get a 2nd degree just to keep up with the profession I have and it's scary to think I have to invest 2 years, just to do that, so I feel for you.)

Families have been through a lot worse over time and history. Think of parents that would have to leave their children for months at a time to make sure they had money to feed their families back home. At least you have a family unit that is there to take care of their own and your GS is not in some late night child-care program. I applaud you for that. As an older parent that doesn't have a family or my own parents to to help, that is such a vital thing!!!

I grew up in a house with my grandparents, while my mom worked, and I agree with the PP - I will always cherish the bonds I had (and still have) with them. My only sadness is that my girls don't have any grandparents to get to know, like I did!

 

[Jenvenza]

I think is normal at this age, like may other poster's have said. My husband and I both work, but work opposite schedules, so DD doesnt have to be in daycare or stay with anyone, and when my MIL comes over, my DD clings to me now. She didnt use to do this. She knows her grandma well and loves her, but she knows she isnt her primary caregiver, so I think that has something to do with it. It can be heartbreaking, but normally it ends pretty quickly. Your DGS sounds like he is just having a harder time with it. Poor thing. All I can say is I am sure it will get better.

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

An update: After reading many of the replys, DH and I have talked more about the situation and have decided that on Mondays we will go to DD house and watch our DGS there from 9:15 until 2:30 when DD gets out of classes instead of having DGS spend another night at our place. So he will go from 3 nights to 2 nights per week. Not perfect but better. This will allow DGS to spend the rest of that day and night with his mommy.

DGS will still be with us on Tuesdays and Wednesdasy but on Thursdays we will travel over to DD's earlier to help the transition back home go a bit more smoothier. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are DD longest days at school and the days she does most of her library study, lab work, etc so this as well as the long distance makes it more practical for DGS to be with us on those two nights.

DSIL works 6-7 days a week 10-12 hour days. So DGS barely has any time with him which does not help the situation. DSIL is trying to pay off huge debt he incurred before their marraige as quickly as possible. When he does have time off he does spend time with DS for some one on one time.

As for DD we have ask her if she would consider taking a lighter course load but she refuses. She wants to get through college as quickly as possible ( she's pre med) but at times I think DGS is getting the short end of the stick. We have suggested to her that when her DS is with her she will need to put down the books for a bit and spend some much needed time with her son. Hopefully she will listen.

DH and I as well as DSIL's parents try as much as we can to help them out and we certainly pray for the best. Hopefully by tweeking the situation a bit it will be better for DGS and DD. If not, we will regroup and try something new until we get it right.

Thanks for all of your suggestions and advice. If you have anything more to add- please do so, I will happily listen.

 

[Tinkmom75]

Hi, You are an angel for putting your child's needs ahead of your own which IMHO is what parent's need to do. I have a very strong oppinion on this and I don't want to be unDISlike, but your DD and DSIL need to put DGS's needs before her own. You are compromising and she is not, in any way. Their reason's for their schedule are very respectable, but their DS needs to come first. Please have more talks with DD and be firm. I think she needs to slow down. She only has one chance to raise this child. I had DD14 when I was young, my now DH was not very grown up at the time so I was a single mom for a couple years. I worked full time and went to college and while my parent's lived close and provided daycare my DD only spent the night at my parent's house occasionally. I hope I wasn't too harsh and good luck with DGS.