Need some parenting advice: DD11 "correcting/arguing with" us

[Irin997]

So this is starting to become a pretty bad habit and DH and I are just about at our wits end. Our DD11 has always had a strong and stubborn personality. More and more frequently though as we've been carrying on regular conversations she takes it upon herself to correct us.

Here's an example: We're at dinner talking about an event that happened when she was about 4 years old. Something about our old dog stealing her pb&j sandwich off the table. Anyway, we were talking about the story and she interjects, no, it happened like this (I can't remember all of the details right now).

Minor statement, right? Well, it happens ALL THE TIME. It like she's correcting/arguing with every single thing we say all the time. It's is frustrating as can be and DH and I don't know what to do about it. It's becoming a very rude and annoying habit.

Any ideas to nix the correcting/arguing? TIA!

 

[Nancyg56]

I think that the corrections are annoying but I think that the real issue is that your DD feels that she can interrupt your story. I would explain to her that while I understand that she wants to participate in the conversation she needs to learn what is appropriate. Tell her that she needs to stop interjecting her version of the story, if she disagrees she can discuss it with you privately. Tell her that every time she interrupts you, or anyone else for that matter, she will be expected to leave the area. And then follow through.

 

[Irin997]

I think that the corrections are annoying but I think that the real issue is that your DD feels that she can interrupt your story. I would explain to her that while I understand that she wants to participate in the conversation she needs to learn what is appropriate. Tell her that she needs to stop interjecting her version of the story, if she disagrees she can discuss it with you privately. Tell her that every time she interrupts you, or anyone else for that matter, she will be expected to leave the area. And then follow through.

This is great advice, however the problem shows up when it's just her and I talking or her and her dad. It's difficult to explain but I think the best way to put it is that she seems to feel like a know it all. I could say, hey look outside it's raining today and she would say no it's not, it's pouring. Minor yet annoying things like that.

 

[mickeyboat]

Welcome to age 11!

I have DD11 and DD12, and they are both, especially DD12, terrible about doing this, too. I have to keep reminding myself that every day that they are exploring becoming their own individuals, with their own ideas an opinions, and that I should take time to listen to them. If don't want to constantly disregard or minimize what they have to say because I don't want them to think their opinions and ideas are not important. And sometimes I am really shocked at what comes out of their mouths! They have quite a sense of humor.

I remember being the same way when I was at that age. I loved to contribute and argue, and my parents encouraged it. I think it made a big difference in the person I am today.

Now if they are interrupting or being rude, I will correct that behavior.

 

[SaraJayne]

Welcome to age 11!

I have DD11 and DD12, and they are both, especially DD12, terrible about doing this, too. I have to keep reminding myself that every day that they are exploring becoming their own individuals, with their own ideas an opinions, and that I should take time to listen to them. If don't want to constantly disregard or minimize what they have to say because I don't want them to think their opinions and ideas are not important. And sometimes I am really shocked at what comes out of their mouths! They have quite a sense of humor.

I remember being the same way when I was at that age. I loved to contribute and argue, and my parents encouraged it. I think it made a big difference in the person I am today.

Now if they are interrupting or being rude, I will correct that behavior.

Yup, it's the age. I know it's incredibly frustrating, but this too shall pass.

 

[Irin997]

Yup, it's the age. I know it's incredibly frustrating, but this too shall pass.

Unfortunately it's slowly driving me insane!

 

[Sadie22]

The child is growing into adolescence and asserting herself. The best place for her to do this should be at home with her parents. This is not something to punish. Mom and Dad need to learn what to expect as a child matures and strategies to keep her talking, not to shut her up. To find fault with a family member chiming in with how they remember a family story is way over the line, in my humble opinion. I know in the Dark Ages of parenting there was the belief that children should be seen and not heard, but I hope society has evolved beyond that practice. OP, be glad your daughter talks to you. Be glad she tries to contribute to dinner table conversations. Make the most of it rather than criticising or stifling it. If you and your husband want to talk privately, do so when daughter is not around. When all are at table, all should be able to freely contribute.

 

[Irin997]

The child is growing into adolescence and asserting herself. The best place for her to do this should be at home with her parents. This is not something to punish. Mom and Dad need to learn what to expect as a child matures and strategies to keep her talking, not to shut her up. To find fault with a family member chiming in with how they remember a family story is way over the line, in my humble opinion. I know in the Dark Ages of parenting there was the belief that children should be seen and not heard, but I hope society has evolved beyond that practice. OP, be glad your daughter talks to you. Be glad she tries to contribute to dinner table conversations. Make the most of it rather than criticising or stifling it. If you and your husband want to talk privately, do so when daughter is not around. When all are at table, all should be able to freely contribute.

I understand what you are saying but I fully disagree. When she corrects and argues with everything we say, it's rude.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wait, an 11 year old girl finding random things to disagree with when talking to her parents? Enjoy, at least she's still talking, and not gracing you with the eye roll every time you open your mouth (just wait...). My oldest is almost 16 - way easier than when she was 11! Dd11 isn't there yet, but I'm trying to get mentally prepared. It's rough!

 

[punkin]

The child is growing into adolescence and asserting herself. The best place for her to do this should be at home with her parents. This is not something to punish. Mom and Dad need to learn what to expect as a child matures and strategies to keep her talking, not to shut her up. To find fault with a family member chiming in with how they remember a family story is way over the line, in my humble opinion. I know in the Dark Ages of parenting there was the belief that children should be seen and not heard, but I hope society has evolved beyond that practice. OP, be glad your daughter talks to you. Be glad she tries to contribute to dinner table conversations. Make the most of it rather than criticising or stifling it. If you and your husband want to talk privately, do so when daughter is not around. When all are at table, all should be able to freely contribute.

I am a little confused why the OP is upset. If I remember something differently from someone else why can't I give my side of the story? Is it only because "children shouldn't contradict adults?" I really see nothing wrong with the behavior.

 

[SaraJayne]

Unfortunately it's slowly driving me insane!

I know. DS still has a bit of that in him at 15 and a half, but it is soooo much better than it used to be! Now we'll just randomly mess with him to see if he'll argue with us.

We're evil.

 

[Sadie22]

My children are healthy and happy adults now. We don't all remember events from their childhoods in the same way. They remember lots of things I don't, or they saw some things differently. They're not wrong. I'm not wrong. It's fun to find out how they saw things then. It makes for fun conversations.

 

[Irin997]

I am a little confused why the OP is upset. If I remember something differently from someone else why can't I give my side of the story? Is it only because "children shouldn't contradict adults?" I really see nothing wrong with the behavior.

Please don't focus on the dinner table story. I was pointing out in my post that at this particular moment, I don't recall every word said. At the time of the event, her interjection was incorrect.

The issue at hand is the arguing and correcting what we say all the time.

 

[Irin997]

My children are healthy and happy adults now. We don't all remember events from their childhoods in the same way. They remember lots of things I don't, or they saw some things differently. They're not wrong. I'm not wrong. It's fun to find out how they saw things then. It makes for fun conversations.

Yes I absolutely agree and I want to make it clear that we certainly allow our daughter to talk and we encourage it. We love to listen to her.

 

[Irin997]

Wait, an 11 year old girl finding random things to disagree with when talking to her parents? Enjoy, at least she's still talking, and not gracing you with the eye roll every time you open your mouth (just wait...). My oldest is almost 16 - way easier than when she was 11! Dd11 isn't there yet, but I'm trying to get mentally prepared. It's rough!

Haha, the death by eye roll. It's shown it's ugly head a time or two but it's extremely rare.

 

[Sadie22]

Please don't focus on the dinner table story. I was pointing out in my post that at this particular moment, I don't recall every word said. At the time of the event, her interjection was incorrect.

The issue at hand is the arguing and correcting what we say all the time.

Okay, I repeat what I said about you learning what is appropriate for children your daughter's age. Let her assert herself. She's not a little kid anymore. She's growing and changing, so what was appropriate a couple years ago is not appropriate now. It takes two to make an argument. Just maybe you're getting too involved in everything. Let some things go. Pick your arguments and stick to the important ones like when she can date. Maybe others who have teens right now can explain this better than I can.

 

[Irin997]

Okay, I repeat what I said about you learning what is appropriate for children your daughter's age. Let her assert herself. She's not a little kid anymore. She's growing and changing, so what was appropriate a couple years ago is not appropriate now. It takes two to make an argument. Just maybe you're getting too involved in everything. Let some things go. Pick your arguments and stick to the important ones like when she can date. Maybe others who have teens right now can explain this better than I can.

So you're suggesting that we just let her argue with every thing we say? Every single request, every conversation, every thing we say should be met with some sort of argument from her and should be accepted?

 

[kt_mom]

DD9 does this to us a lot. Actually she does it to everyone and it is very annoying. I think sometimes she just wants to disagree with everything anyone says. And she loves to correct everyone. She drives her cousin nuts correcting everything she says.

If you find a solution I'd love to know. I've tried so hard to help her break this habit because I fear it will cause her problems down the road in her friendships and other relationships. No one likes a know it all. Not to mention that often times its very disrespectful to adults.

 

[Amg120499]

I feel your pain! My DD is 10 and does the same thing. If I say something about "chorus" she corrects me with "choir". If I say "baseball" she corrects me with "softball", etc. She is always right about everything and you can't tell her any different.

If you figure out how to deal with it, please let me know! I only hope that her strong will and personality will serve her well in high school.

 

[Irin997]

DD9 does this to us a lot. Actually she does it to everyone and it is very annoying. I think sometimes she just wants to disagree with everything anyone says. And she loves to correct everyone. She drives her cousin nuts correcting everything she says.

If you find a solution I'd love to know. I've tried so hard to help her break this habit because I fear it will cause her problems down the road in her friendships and other relationships. No one likes a know it all. Not to mention that often times its very disrespectful to adults.

Ah, thanks for explaining it so much better than I attempted! I feel EXACTLY the same way. I don't want her wanting to be and acting like a know it all to interfere with her social relationships down the road. She has a strong personality as it is (read: bossy) and I want her to understand that she doesn't need to dominate conversations as she tends to do. I have a feeling that part of the reason is because for so long it was just her and I and as an only child she is regularly involved with adult conversations, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, like you, I feel like this behavior will hurt her down the road. So well said, thank you very much!