need some help feeling the magic on this next trip

[karsen11]

ok, so a little back story...
My husband and I have been going to Disney World every year in the fall and the spring for the passed several years. Now that we have our daughter and her birthday is in May we have decided to make our spring trip a birthday trip. I love and look forward to every single trip we go on, it truly is my happy place. But this May trip is making me very nervous, since my Mother in Law has decided to join us. See this is complicated, because my father in law passed away suddenly in July, and things have been off ever since. I get the sense that my mother in law is only joining because she feels like she has to since she just did a big vacation with my sister in law and her husband and is doing one with my other brother in law and his wife. She is not interested in discussing plans at all. And my husband and her are definitely not grieving in the same way which is putting strife on their relationship. She is a strong willed and opinioned woman to begin with, and now that she is going through the grieving process things are just not good. I am so afraid this trip is going to be awkward and uncomfortable, when really Disney World is the place where I usually feel the most happy and at home in my life. I want to look forward to this trip, especially because its my daughter's 2nd birthday but I'm just reluctant! Help

 

[MrsIncredibleNY]

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief is hard and I imagine traveling with your son and daughter in law is hard as a widow too. Is she staying with you guys or getting her own room? Either way I would plan the trip you want to plan and make it special for your family. Let your MIL know about the plans and tell her she is welcome to follow along or do her own thing. Ask her if there is anything special she wants to do.

 

[Klayfish]

Sorry to hear about your situation, I can imagine how tough it is. I think what to do depends on your personality and how you want to approach it. I tend to be pretty straightforward and blunt. I'd have an open and honest conversation with her about your concerns. Obviously, it should have a positive tone to it, in that you want to make this a happy and memorable trip. But I'd share my concerns with her.

 

[caroline1851]

Definitely get separate rooms, right? Same hotel, same floor etc, but not in same room. I would just realize that this will most likely NOT be the same trip you are used to taking, but it's special that she gets to be there with your family and it will be making memories. Hopefully more that will bring a smile to your face when thinking about it after. I'd probably give her an idea in advance of how the days go..ie. do you do rope drop,e tc. so she knows what to expect.

 

[bumbershoot]

But this May trip is making me very nervous, since my Mother in Law has decided to join us. .... I get the sense that my mother in law is only joining because she feels like she has to since she just did a big vacation with my sister in law and her husband and is doing one with my other brother in law and his wife.

If she has only recently decided to join you, that's probably not the reason.

But if it is, what if you let her know she can join you next year instead? If you think she's feeling pressure, let the pressure ease.

And my husband and her are definitely not grieving in the same way which is putting strife on their relationship.

Oh my goodness; whoever is letting that put strife into their relationship has GOT to let it go. Every single person on this planet grieves differently. We cannot compare ourselves. We cannot judge grief.

It's appropriate that a son and a wife grieve in entirely different ways. If you passed away in 20 years, your daughter and your husband would and SHOULD grieve very differently from each other.

My mom died when I was 30 and my brother was 28, which was 16 years ago, and we STILL grieve differently. I could talk about her all the time, and he doesn't ever want to mention her. He doesn't like being sad, whereas I don't mind it. So if I need to talk, he'll talk briefly so that he can be of comfort to me.. But I generally find someone else to talk to, because I don't want to make him uncomfortable.

My husband and his mom grieve(d) VERY differently, just worlds apart from each other, when his dad died.

It's normal and it's OK.

She is not interested in discussing plans at all.

Did she joyously discuss plans for the other trips?

Even if she did, her whole world has changed now, and no one can expect her to behave the same. No one *should* expect that. It might take a long time for her to get her equilibrium back. My gosh; my MIL and FIL had a horrible, abusive, affair-filled relationship during which their 3 children regularly begged their mom to divorce their dad, but when FIL died it took MIL YEARS to get back on her feet emotionally.

Maybe it's OK that she's taking a back seat to the plan-discussion this time.

I am so afraid this trip is going to be awkward and uncomfortable

Of course it is. Post-death trips always are. You just have to work with that. My son was 2.5 the DAY my FIL died. When kids are that little, half birthdays are noticed. But that year no one did but me. I didn't even bring it up for something like 6 years, when DH finally noticed it one day when we were talking about his dad. It is what it is. This trip is always going to be "our first trip since grandpa died". It's going to be awkward. Tears might be spilled. "What ifs" are going to happen. So she's wilful. She was before, she will be now. It's OK. So she's opinionated. She was before, she will be now. It's OK.

To paraphrase Love Actually, "this was always going to be a totally crap time". That's how it is after someone dies. No matter where you are, it'll pop up. Might as well be somewhere fun.

Accept it and it'll feel better.

 

[lampshadehead]

If she is responsible and up to it, maybe one night she could get some one on one time with your daughter even if it just consists of watching a movie in the room or putting her to sleep, while you and your husband go and do something as a couple? Might make her feel useful, since her kids are all grown and now no husband at home, it might be nice to feel needed again?

 

[PSUGuy]

Tough situation. For some reason the idea of a third party 'deciding to join' our vacation sets my teeth on edge. We've had in-laws attempt this a few times, our refusal do discuss our plans gave them the hint, which they took. We did voluntarily included wifey's twin brother and his wife on a Food & Wine WDW trip 2 years ago, it did not go well. I'm the oldest of this 4 some and our SIL the youngest but they just couldn't keep up. Took some of the Pixie Dust away. I wouldn't hesitate to simply say, 'Sorry, we planned this as a 'Family Only' trip, perhaps some other time'. Add to that a strong willed person deep in grief, I'd cancel the whole thing if she doesn't back out.

Bill From PA

 

[ShirikiUtundu]

ok, so a little back story...
My husband and I have been going to Disney World every year in the fall and the spring for the passed several years. Now that we have our daughter and her birthday is in May we have decided to make our spring trip a birthday trip. I love and look forward to every single trip we go on, it truly is my happy place. But this May trip is making me very nervous, since my Mother in Law has decided to join us. See this is complicated, because my father in law passed away suddenly in July, and things have been off ever since. I get the sense that my mother in law is only joining because she feels like she has to since she just did a big vacation with my sister in law and her husband and is doing one with my other brother in law and his wife. She is not interested in discussing plans at all. And my husband and her are definitely not grieving in the same way which is putting strife on their relationship. She is a strong willed and opinioned woman to begin with, and now that she is going through the grieving process things are just not good. I am so afraid this trip is going to be awkward and uncomfortable, when really Disney World is the place where I usually feel the most happy and at home in my life. I want to look forward to this trip, especially because its my daughter's 2nd birthday but I'm just reluctant! Help

I think your expectations are way too high! Of course your husband and his mother are going to grieve differently; it's natural. The holidays will be tough on her - probably on the both of them. Plan what you want to plan now and don't pester her with stuff that's over 6 months from now. Let them get through the holidays and then reopen the discussion. She does not need to be worrying about trying to decide where she wants to eat or what she might want to ride 7 months from now. That's just silly.