Need some advice on future funeral for father-in-law

[jjarman]

"I don't like you, you were a mean jerk when we needed you but...... we want what's coming to us $$ wise"
That sounds a little tacky to me.

If you knew the way my husband had to grow up because this man refused to support his kids you might understand. They were on welfare while he and his step children lived in a nice house, had cars, motorcycles, a vacation home, etc.

 

[jjarman]

Sorry, I have more questions than answers for you, starting with...

1. Why did you choose to ride out a hurricane without an adequate supply of cash, food and water?

2. If you have only seen FIL twice in the last 25 years, how do you know he routinely walks around with hundreds of dollars in his pocket? And how do you not know if that's not all the money he has in the world?

3. Why is your husband unwilling to make an 11 hour trip by himself? Why can't he fly?

4. If you truly hate this man as much as you seem to, why would you even want his money?

1. I have been through many, many hurricanes in my life. I live in South Mississippi. It is a way of life here. No one, I mean no one, knew how big this was going to get. We have never had our total infrastructure taken out before. We had a few hundred dollars but when all you can use is cash that goes pretty quick.

2. From comments he makes when we talk on the phone. He pays cash for everything. Had many cars that he paid cash for. He was big on paying cash for everything.

3. Hubby hates to fly and he is so bad with directions. Can't read a map. Gets lost going to the grocery store.

4. See earlier post. My husband deserves this money. His father so neglected him growing up and was so emotionally abusive.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

OP-
I get your anger and I understand why you cannot stand this man but you have to understand that this is still your dh's father. Yes, he wasn't much of a Dad but he is still his. I would do what I could for my DH.
I also understand not wanting to miss the trip with your Mom. I would try to make a compromise before you go. What may seem not important now may be something that your dh resents in years to come.
Good luck.

 

[jjarman]

I called father-in-law this morning. Actually I meant to just get the nurses station to get a status on him. Got his room. He sounded pretty good. I really think he is going to pull out of this again. Has been in and out of the hospital for a year or so with the same thing. He sounded better than I expected. He talked for a minute and then talked to my husband. After we hung up we talked and my husband said he doesn't want me to give up my trip. He totally understands why I want to go. If he should die right before I go our son will just have to go with him. Son may be working out of state but he will just have to come back to go with my husband. If he dies toward the end of my trip they can wait for the funeral until I am back in town. It is not like there is a lot of family around anyway.

 

[Teacher03]

I really hope your FIL gets better and maybe your husband can use this time to repair a little bit of his relationship with his dad. I understand that it is not your husband's fault at all, but I think it's sad that the only reason he wants to go to the funeral is for the money.

 

[kidzmom3]

in reality, you are not looking for advice. You should have titled this thread "looking for support with my plans for future funeral for father-in-law" You were NEVER going to take into account what other peoples opinions are. Your mind is made up and your plans made.

 

[Judy from Boise]

How can someone "go to the funeral " just for $? They are completely different. The reading of the will is a legal event, the time will be picked by the executor.I understand wanting to get your share of what you feel legally is your right, regardless of the circumstances. You may hate the company you work for, and despise your boss....but I bet you cash your paycheck. If you have an inheritance based on familial ties, sometimes feelings are secondary to the reality that your family will benefit financially from "holding your nose' and cashing the check.

 

[wdwfan16]

If my husband wanted me home I would be home. From what you posted your husband wants you home.

 

[wdwfan16]

Thanks. No I am not cancelling now on the off chance the old guy dies. I mean there are other people depending on me to make this trip. Like a 5 year old and 7 year old. It will be the 5 year old's birthday. I can't just ask them to postpone their trip. If he should happen to die while we are on vacation we will manage something. I told my husband tonight they can wait to have this small funeral until after we get back or go on without us. It is not like he ever lifted a finger to help us. The Katrina thing really did it for me. Also, he told us for years he had a college fund set up for our son. When it came time for it was the money there? No. This is why we don't go see him. The only reason my husband wants me home would be so someone could drive with him up there. He feels obligated to go because he is afraid his sister may cheat him out of some of the estate. Not that it is a huge estate or anything but it is half his. I think if anything is going to happen it will be before the trip.

I see $$$$$$$$$ and nothing more in this post. You do know that his will could leave everything to your DSIL.

 

[jjarman]

I see $$$$$$$$$ and nothing more in this post. You do know that his will could leave everything to your DSIL.

My husband and his sister both have a copy of the will. It is not a pile of money but it is their money. And, no, he could not change the will now. He is too far gone mentally. It would never stand up in court. I did probate work for years so I know. They deserve his money though. As for trying to patch things up between my husband and his father, it is past that. My FIL is too far gone mentally for that now as well and he had chances in the past and passed on them. Too stubborn and selfish. All he ever cared about was his money. It is kinda ironic that now all his kids care about is his money. But my husband understands my wanting to make the trip with my mother and my family. He just wants someone to go with him when the time comes. If I am here, of course I will go. If I am gone with my family, our son will go. Fortunately he seems to be doing pretty well at the hospital so I think he has dodged another bullet. The man has at least 9 lives.

I guess I did not really need advice. Needed to vent a little and see what others would do in my place. Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate them.

 

[m&m's mom]

If you knew the way my husband had to grow up because this man refused to support his kids you might understand. They were on welfare while he and his step children lived in a nice house, had cars, motorcycles, a vacation home, etc.

Well it is startingly how much I do understand. I could have written most of what you have said, 10 years ago.
My Dad's family is very well off. My parents divorced and we saw nothing. My mom pulled us 4 kids together and made a great life for us on her own- without hardly any of my Dads help.
My Mom was 29, had 4 little kids, a high school diploma and no $ when my parents got divorced. My Mom pulled us all up by her verbial bootstraps and she ended up with 4 kids with all post graduate degrees and a poor but wonderful childhood. My Dad and his new family lived the good life for sure but my own life was sooo much better. I felt very sorry for my Dad.
My Mom told us our whole lives that we will never see a penny of my Grandmothers money so we never expected to- and were fine with that. I would never have traded the great life I have had for some old bitty's money.
Money does not make that any better, believe me.

 

[Randi]

I think it is time for your husband & his sister to talk about funeral plans. Regardless of the issue of when the time comes, some plans should be in place now before they are needed. Does his sister live closer to the father?

Who has been responsible for the father's care until now? Does he own a home that will have to be cleaned out & sold?

Talking about what is in a will may be premature. If the father is in a nursing home or some other kind of assisted care arrangement, he may have no assets left. Any money may have been already earmarked for other uses. Who is going to be responsible for the funeral expenses? Who is the executor of the will?

I understand your husband not wanting to make an 11 hr trip by himself. But if your son can go with him, it doesn't seem like you need to go too. I doubt from what you have said, that your husband is going to be overwhelmed with grief and will need your emotional support.

 

[Inigo]

How can someone "go to the funeral " just for $? They are completely different. The reading of the will is a legal event, the time will be picked by the executor..

The whole "reading of the will" thing is a TV/movie scenario. People don't actually do that.

 

[Robindianne]

Bumber, yes I am thankful I don't have family members like that. But I can tell you that if I did, I would not want their money. Of that I am certain.

None of us can know what we'd do in another's situation. We can believe, expect, plan, etc but what we actually do depends on lots of factors we might not be able to plan for.

Your post is a bit judgemental, implying that OP's DH is bad if he accepts his half of the estate since he wasn't loved or treated well. Walk in his shoes before you judge.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Trip aside--people delay funerals for all sorts of reasons.

My sister had lost her grandfather (father of her dad, not mine) and they delayed the funeral by a couple of months. Grandma wanted that much time to deal with her loss.

Does your DH want you to go as a traveling companion or as a mourning companion? If just as a person to accompany him on an 11 hour trip, could he just fly up there?

I do not blame you for your reasoning one bit.

 

[jjarman]

I think it is time for your husband & his sister to talk about funeral plans. Regardless of the issue of when the time comes, some plans should be in place now before they are needed. Does his sister live closer to the father?

Who has been responsible for the father's care until now? Does he own a home that will have to be cleaned out & sold?

Talking about what is in a will may be premature. If the father is in a nursing home or some other kind of assisted care arrangement, he may have no assets left. Any money may have been already earmarked for other uses. Who is going to be responsible for the funeral expenses? Who is the executor of the will?

I understand your husband not wanting to make an 11 hr trip by himself. But if your son can go with him, it doesn't seem like you need to go too. I doubt from what you have said, that your husband is going to be overwhelmed with grief and will need your emotional support.

The home has been sold and after the first of the year my husband and his sister will split that money. FIL actually has an excellent nursing home policy. The attorney's office my SIL consulted did not believe it until they talked to the insurance company. It pays 100% for 11 months. Then he pays 1 month. Then it kicks in again for 11 months and this goes until he dies. He got it years ago through is union.

SIL is the executrix and she has actually been very good about being above board on everything as far as we can tell. But from my years of experience working in probate I don't trust her. That is a whole other can of worms. I am sure I will be posting another thread here after the will is admitted into probate. Supposed to be 50-50.

My husband is fine with son going with him if it comes to that. Hopefully it won't. I want to be the one to go with him but my mother takes precidence in this case.

 

[jjarman]

Trip aside--people delay funerals for all sorts of reasons.

My sister had lost her grandfather (father of her dad, not mine) and they delayed the funeral by a couple of months. Grandma wanted that much time to deal with her loss.

Does your DH want you to go as a traveling companion or as a mourning companion? If just as a person to accompany him on an 11 hour trip, could he just fly up there?

I do not blame you for your reasoning one bit.

DH wants me as a travel companion. There will be no grieving at this funeral.

I have discussed this very subject with my mother who is going on this trip with us. Her sister whom my mother is very very close is also very ill and could die at any time or live another 10 years. I told momma if Aunt Dot dies while we are at WDW they will just have to wait until we get back. Momma was good with us. See our family is kinda funny about funerals. We are very religious and when a family member dies we know they are no longer here and in such a much better place. We really don't mourn that much because we know we will see them again one day. We may mourn the fact that we won't see them all the time now but honestly funerals in our family are not bad at all. Momma knows when her sister dies the funeral will just be for the family and they can wait a few days.

 

[jlima]

Just enjoy your trip; and if he passes then deal with it.

When DH's father died, we had to transport the body to California. The cemetery there wouldn't bury him until they had a death certificate from Nevada; and that took 5 - 7 working days. We had the funeral on a Saturday so it wouldn't interfere too much with my work schedule (just took off 1 day). He was buried 13 days after he passed. He died on the 6th of the month and had already paid his rent at the assisted living place he was at, but the staff there encouraged DH to empty his unit ASAP so they could get it occupied again. We had the place cleaned out the week after the funeral; just called Salvation Army and they took everything DH didn't want.

When my grandmother passed, she left instruction that there was to be no funeral. Complicating everything was the time frame; she passed in January and my sister was getting married in May and lots of uncles, cousins, etc had already made plans to travel for the wedding. My mom had a dilemma; she wanted to respect her mom's wishes but the people who loved her wanted to pay their respects in some way. What they ended up doing was having a memorial service for my grandmother on the Thursday before my sister's wedding. The whole family was in town and it was well attended and a very loving and moving service.

In 2004, for our HRH and Poly vacation, we had a GIANT dilemma with FIL. There were several occasions where he would leave the assisted living facility where he lived, take a bus to the Strip, eat dinner and gamble for a few hours and when he ran out of money, he would just wander around whatever casino he was at for 2 - 3 hours until security would stop him. He wouldn't remember to save his last $20 for a taxi ride home. DH would get phone calls at all hours from Palace Station, the Sahara and a few other places and he'd have to go and pick him up. I was TERRIFIED this would happen on our trip and FIL would have no one to manage him. We lucked out and didn't have any incidents on our trip.

Please enjoy your trip. Life is for the living.

 

[jjarman]

Thanks, Jlima. Sure sounds like you went through some similar dilemas. I have decided that if FIL dies right before the trip, DS will go with DH. If he dies midway through my trip, same thing. If he dies toward the end of the trip they will just have to wait on me.

I really appreciate the various opinions and other family stories. It really makes me feel that I am not the only one with a crazy family.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

DH wants me as a travel companion. There will be no grieving at this funeral.

You may be surprised. Grieving is more than just being sad about losing the person that dies. Grieving can be about mourning what could have been; what wasn't; guilt; anger; sadness; you name it. You cannot know how he will feel until it happens. But I believe it is a mistake on your part to think that your husband will not "grieve" as you presume he will. His grieving will be unique to him but you can bet that it will be there. If it wasn't, he wouldn't be human.

Have you considered the possibility that your FIL was mentally ill at all? I can imagine that if this was my husband, I'd be helping him see this as a *strong* possibility (even if he was never "diagnosed") and steering him toward forgiveness of his father so that he (ie husband) could know peace in his life, knowing that not forgiving keeps negative emotions in the heart. (And yes, I speak from experience here; and yes, I expect there will be those that disagree, but I'm offering it as food for thought, if not for you, for your husband and son.)

The other thing I'd like to mention, since you welcome opinions, is to consider that your son is taking notes on how you are handling this.

Wishing you a nice, uninterrupted trip.