Need serious advice (long_)

[NeedHelpPls]

I will start by saying I am not a troll. I have posted here for years. I just don't want to use my real name as I have nosy coworkers who know my user id.

I am thinking of cancelling my wedding and possibly ending my relationship and yes, this is budget related. In fact, budget/money is the ONLY reason I am considering this.

I am 33. Childless. I have been very careful to remain childless, as my future dream plans called for world travel etc. and other things that children would not allow for for financial reasons.

Likewise, I will not date a man who had kids, because I don't want to deal with child support issues for kids that are not mine.

About 2 years ago, I met my dream man. Perfect in every way. We love each other more than anything and I have never been so happy. We were engaged last August and have a date set, with deposits put down for this October. He is 36. He is the sweetest, kindest most loving person I have ever known.

I knew going in that, although he works full time, I will be unfortunately paying all of our bills. (This makes me uncomfortable). The reason is he co owns a worthless house with his 2 brothers. They are so upside down on the mortgage, they can't even re-fi.

I was TOLD when I said "yes" that the house would be listed for sale this spring and we'd just hope and pray that it was gone within 2 years.

I realized and accepted that during these 2 years (possibly even a bit longer) that, instead of improving like most peoples lives when they marry, my quality of life would decrease signifigantly. Instead of living in a comfortable 3 bedroom condo with one roommate splitting the bills, I will be living in a dangerous ghetto slum being made to pay EVERYTHING alone while my DH pays the mortgage on his house.

His mortgage is half his salary now, and supposedly going up in June.

He just informed me that he (and all of the other homeowners on his street) were sued by a neighbor.

I do not know the details but FI says it will now be at least 3-4 years before he even knows what is going on and probably more than 3-4 years before they can list the house for sale.

My world was shattered. I do not know if I can honestly live in squalor carrying all the weight, while he pitches in about $200 a month (all he'll have left after he pays his mortgage and other bills). And in 3-4 years, he could end up owing his share of the debt to the neighbor...around $8000 per homeowner.

Here is the core of my problem:
2 years of waiting for a crummy house to sell, I came to grips with.

But...The rest of my 30's, living in squalor. Never traveling. Not being able to save for a house of our own? That I do not know if I can handle. No matter how much I love him.

Basically, I am about to enter into a situation where I do not know if I can actually afford to live with my husband.

Also, do not know if in MA they can come after me for the 8K in the suit if we are married. Even though I have nothing to do with that house. We need every penny I have to live if we get married. Can they come after me?

As for me...

I have some debt, which will be paid off in 2 years. I will list these debts as they are important to understand my situation.

Old $13,400 loan with a min of $504 a month. I always pay at least $604.
Target card with $2700 on it, min is $75, I always pay $125
Best Buy card with $200 on it. min is $10. I always pay $20 (not too concerned about this one)
Capitol One card with $400 on it, min is $15, I pay $30

The interest rates go between 22%-17%. My credit score, last I checked, was 770. The debt should be gone at this rate within 2 years. I am proud of this and I've worked hard to get rid of it.

After paying when I "always pay", paying my rent, my insurance, my utilities, my car payment, my parking...I have approx $600 left over per month for food and gas. I put what I can in savings.

I have $2000 in an emergency fund and do not use these cards for anything. The last time I used them was probably 2 1/2 years ago. Even then, they were only used for emergencies. I just happened to have 3 mega emergencies come up in the same month then.

My rent is currently $400 because my roommate owns the house we are in and gives me a break. A 1 bedroom in a safe location where I could keep my job and still commute to the subway station costs, on average, $800 a month.

I could pay an extra $200 and have $400 for gas/food and have FI pay me the $200 he will be saving on his houses utiliies so there's the $800.

Problem is, what if he loses the lawsuit? Then what? On top of the house, FI has about $1000 in savings. He has about 10K in cc debt. I think he pays around $350 on that every month. His insurance is a lot cheaper than mine. He currently has nothing left over after he pays his bills. He is often not even "sure" where he comes up with $ for food and gas. I suspect when he is not staying with me (3 nights a week) that he sometimes does not eat.


Here are some things that are NOT solutions for us:

MA fines you if you don't have insurance. Cutting back insurance is not a choice.

Do not run Craigslist searches and tell me to find cheaper housing. I am aware CL lists cheaper apartments. These are in loud, scary, awful places where I would seriously be afraid to live and would sooner move back home with my parents. FI refuses to have his wife living in a ghetto where he has to worry about me getting shot. Also, many of the ghettos are very far away from my work.

Do not tell me to cut back our wedding. I already came to grips that I will never have a wedding I wanted. Am I bitter towards FI? Yes. A bit. But I'll get over it. We already have less than 20 guests and using secondhand clothing. We are not going on a honeymoon. It's been cut as far as we can. Going to a JP would not fly with my FI.

Do not tell me to get a second job. I have looked. I sell on EBay but that only brings in so much. Neither FI or I could get second jobs when we looked in Dec. We tried. We're still looking. My 45K a year job takes me away from home from 6 am to 7 pm. M-F. So I am limited. I keep looking. FI has stopped looking but says he'll start again.

We need 2 cars as our jobs are 2 hours apart from each other. I owe about 8K on my newish car. I am in a bad climate and have a 1.5 hour commute every day. I need a good car. I am worried what moving further from the city where I work will do to the car I have. FI drives a clunker. He owes about $2K on it.

I can not move into his house with his brothers. They have pets which I am deathly allergic to. FI can not tell his brothers to get rid of them. The brothers are also owners of the house and FI can not force them to get rid of their pets.

ETA: I will not marry him. period. if we have to live with a roommate or another couple. That, to me, is not a marriage.


I am sick right now. My heart feels numb. I need to do what is best for me and my future though. But I really do not see how I can live without him either. I know this post probably makes it sound like I want to leave but I want to try and do whatever I can (stopping short at giving up EVERYTHING ELSE) to make it work. I would be miserable living without him but I would be equally miserable wasting the rest of my relatively young years living in dire poverty because of his house.

Please help.

 

[budbeerlady]

I am not much help is the 2 of you living with room mate an option for a bit?
Can they try to refi the house with one of those government programs?

IF you love this person I say marry him. Life is short and while money is a big chunk of life it isnt everything. He could win the lottery tomorrow or be beyond broke. My dh hasnt had steady work in 2 years, not how I planned to live when I said I do 10 years ago but in spite of everything we are doing all right. I had to change my expectations. I clip coupons, we cut out cable and some extras in life but we are still kicking.

 

[natenapril]

I will start by saying I am not a troll. I have posted here for years. I just don't want to use my real name as I have nosy coworkers who know my user id.

I am thinking of cancelling my wedding and possibly ending my relationship and yes, this is budget related. In fact, budget/money is the ONLY reason I am considering this.

I am 33. Childless. I have been very careful to remain childless, as my future dream plans called for world travel etc. and other things that children would not allow for for financial reasons.

Likewise, I will not date a man who had kids, because I don't want to deal with child support issues for kids that are not mine.

About 2 years ago, I met my dream man. Perfect in every way. We love each other more than anything and I have never been so happy. We were engaged last August and have a date set, with deposits put down for this October. He is 36. He is the sweetest, kindest most loving person I have ever known.

I knew going in that, although he works full time, I will be unfortunately paying all of our bills. (This makes me uncomfortable). The reason is he co owns a worthless house with his 2 brothers. They are so upside down on the mortgage, they can't even re-fi.

I was TOLD when I said "yes" that the house would be listed for sale this spring and we'd just hope and pray that it was gone within 2 years.

I realized and accepted that during these 2 years (possibly even a bit longer) that, instead of improving like most peoples lives when they marry, my quality of life would decrease signifigantly. Instead of living in a comfortable 3 bedroom condo with one roommate splitting the bills, I will be living in a dangerous ghetto slum being made to pay EVERYTHING alone while my DH pays the mortgage on his house.

His mortgage is half his salary now, and supposedly going up in June.

He just informed me that he (and all of the other homeowners on his street) were sued by a neighbor.

I do not know the details but FI says it will now be at least 3-4 years before he even knows what is going on and probably more than 3-4 years before they can list the house for sale.

My world was shattered. I do not know if I can honestly live in squalor carrying all the weight, while he pitches in about $200 a month (all he'll have left after he pays his mortgage and other bills). And in 3-4 years, he could end up owing his share of the debt to the neighbor...around $8000 per homeowner.

Here is the core of my problem:
2 years of waiting for a crummy house to sell, I came to grips with.

But...The rest of my 30's, living in squalor. Never traveling. Not being able to save for a house of our own? That I do not know if I can handle. No matter how much I love him.

Basically, I am about to enter into a situation where I do not know if I can actually afford to live with my husband.

Also, do not know if in MA they can come after me for the 8K in the suit if we are married. Even though I have nothing to do with that house. We need every penny I have to live if we get married. Can they come after me?

As for me...

I have some debt, which will be paid off in 2 years. I will list these debts as they are important to understand my situation.

Old $13,400 loan with a min of $504 a month. I always pay at least $604.
Target card with $2700 on it, min is $75, I always pay $125
Best Buy card with $200 on it. min is $10. I always pay $20 (not too concerned about this one)
Capitol One card with $400 on it, min is $15, I pay $30

The interest rates go between 22%-17%. My credit score, last I checked, was 770. The debt should be gone at this rate within 2 years. I am proud of this and I've worked hard to get rid of it.

After paying when I "always pay", paying my rent, my insurance, my utilities, my car payment, my parking...I have approx $600 left over per month for food and gas. I put what I can in savings.

I have $2000 in an emergency fund and do not use these cards for anything. The last time I used them was probably 2 1/2 years ago. Even then, they were only used for emergencies. I just happened to have 3 mega emergencies come up in the same month then.

My rent is currently $400 because my roommate owns the house we are in and gives me a break. A 1 bedroom in a safe location where I could keep my job and still commute to the subway station costs, on average, $800 a month.

I could pay an extra $200 and have $400 for gas/food and have FI pay me the $200 he will be saving on his houses utiliies so there's the $800.

Problem is, what if he loses the lawsuit? Then what? On top of the house, FI has about $1000 in savings. He has about 10K in cc debt. I think he pays around $350 on that every month. His insurance is a lot cheaper than mine. He currently has nothing left over after he pays his bills. He is often not even "sure" where he comes up with $ for food and gas. I suspect when he is not staying with me (3 nights a week) that he sometimes does not eat.


Here are some things that are NOT solutions for us:

MA fines you if you don't have insurance. Cutting back insurance is not a choice.

Do not run Craigslist searches and tell me to find cheaper housing. I am aware CL lists cheaper apartments. These are in loud, scary, awful places where I would seriously be afraid to live and would sooner move back home with my parents. FI refuses to have his wife living in a ghetto where he has to worry about me getting shot. Also, many of the ghettos are very far away from my work.

Do not tell me to cut back our wedding. I already came to grips that I will never have a wedding I wanted. Am I bitter towards FI? Yes. A bit. But I'll get over it. We already have less than 20 guests and using secondhand clothing. We are not going on a honeymoon. It's been cut as far as we can. Going to a JP would not fly with my FI.

Do not tell me to get a second job. I have looked. I sell on EBay but that only brings in so much. Neither FI or I could get second jobs when we looked in Dec. We tried. We're still looking. My 45K a year job takes me away from home from 6 am to 7 pm. M-F. So I am limited. I keep looking. FI has stopped looking but says he'll start again.

We need 2 cars as our jobs are 2 hours apart from each other. I owe about 8K on my newish car. I am in a bad climate and have a 1.5 hour commute every day. I need a good car. I am worried what moving further from the city where I work will do to the car I have. FI drives a clunker. He owes about $2K on it.

I can not move into his house with his brothers. They have pets which I am deathly allergic to. FI can not tell his brothers to get rid of them. The brothers are also owners of the house and FI can not force them to get rid of their pets.

ETA: I will not marry him. period. if we have to live with a roommate or another couple. That, to me, is not a marriage.


I am sick right now. My heart feels numb. I need to do what is best for me and my future though. But I really do not see how I can live without him either. I know this post probably makes it sound like I want to leave but I want to try and do whatever I can (stopping short at giving up EVERYTHING ELSE) to make it work. I would be miserable living without him but I would be equally miserable wasting the rest of my relatively young years living in dire poverty because of his house.

Please help.

The only thing I can tell you is try to reverse the roles. See how you might feel in his shoes.

 

[loveysbydesign]

I'd postpone it for now until things settle down. You don't want to go into a marriage that starts off on the wrong foot. You can always get married later....as long as you love each other you will always have each other.

 

[kwhite1022]

Not sure really what help I can suggest, other then, to say: If you are already resenting things that havent even happened yet, and already bitter about wedding issues....it will only get worse once you are married. Marriage is tough enough when you are in love beyone measure and have normal first years problems, the kind that you will have would be beyond that "normal" scope IMO. I guess Id suggest if you have the opportunity to seek some pre-marriage counseling that might be a start. Reguardless I wish you luck, and happiness.

 

[NeedHelpPls]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

I personally do not know too many women who would enter into a marriage knowing that they will have to give up all of their dreams. It's one thing if this nonsense with the law suit had all come up after we were married. But we aren't married yet and FI realizes that there is still a chance for me to avoid being caught up in a horrendous life.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Is there a reason you cannot postpone the wedding until his house does finally sell and the lawsuit is over Seems the obvious solution. Maybe not as "fun" or committed as being married, but better than leaving someone you love OR ending up resenting him because you sacrifce so much.

Beyond that I am wondering what kind of lawsuit one neighbor can bring against the rest of the neighborhood That sounds very fishy. I would also be concerned about marrying someone who is so tied down to his brothers, and yet does not appear to have a good enough relationship with them to work out the pets situation so he can marry his love (maybe keeping them in only certain rooms you never go in, etc) OR really pitch in to get the house ready to sell, etc. I don't know--that whole situation strikes me as odd. Can he, at the very least, get a roomate for the house who pays rent equal (or close to) his part of the mortgage? It does not sound right for him to marry you expecting you to fully support the two of you so that he can pay for a third of a house for his brothers to live in. Maybe you can explain this better so that I "get" how this is all happening.

Sorry I cannot be more help

 

[sweetpeakaris]

Sorry, I really don't have any advice, but wanted to give you a (((Big Hug)))! Take Care and I hope it works out!

 

[tlh0726]

You already know what you need to do.
Have a long talk with your husband to be and postpone the wedding until you know for sure this is what you want to do. Feeling this way is no way to start your life together it will never last.

If it were me, sorry, but until he got his life and finances together it would be bye bye in a heartbeart.
As they say when one door closes another always opens.

Good luck.

 

[NHdisneylover]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

I personally do not know too many women who would enter into a marriage knowing that they will have to give up all of their dreams. It's one thing if this nonsense with the law suit had all come up after we were married. But we aren't married yet and FI realizes that there is still a chance for me to avoid being caught up in a horrendous life.

If that is how you feel about it--then I do really think you need to postpone. or outright cancel, the wedding. It is not fair to either of you to start of your married life with that impression (not saying it is wrong of you to feel that way AT ALL--but wrong to marry someone when you feel that is what you will be getting in the bargain).

 

[jaminmd]

I wouldn't enter into a marriage with someone in bad financial shape. You already resent his financial position so you must know your answer.

However, why does it have to be all or none? Can't you stay together even if you aren't married? I'm not being snarky, either. If you love each other, just don't get married but stay together, each financially independent.

If you marry him, you'll be taking on that debt, too.

 

[disykat]

The one think I see as hopeful here is that you don't seem to have a timeline. If you aren't planning on kids, the biological clock won't be ticking, etc. Your wedding is also a long time away, so no invitations have been sent,etc. You should be able to "put off the wedding" with no big cancellation announcement.

You have all the time in the world, why not wait until things are smoother for him? You will have time to get your finances totally under control and he can work on his. Meanwhile you will have time on your side to answer the questions you are having. Time has a way of working out these things - maybe with time you'll KNOW what you want to do. It doesn't sound like you're ready to make a big decision like either cancelling or moving forward with the wedding.

 

[wdwfan16]

I will start by saying I am not a troll. I have posted here for years. I just don't want to use my real name as I have nosy coworkers who know my user id.

I am thinking of cancelling my wedding and possibly ending my relationship and yes, this is budget related. In fact, budget/money is the ONLY reason I am considering this.

I am 33. Childless. I have been very careful to remain childless, as my future dream plans called for world travel etc. and other things that children would not allow for for financial reasons.

Likewise, I will not date a man who had kids, because I don't want to deal with child support issues for kids that are not mine.

About 2 years ago, I met my dream man. Perfect in every way. We love each other more than anything and I have never been so happy. We were engaged last August and have a date set, with deposits put down for this October. He is 36. He is the sweetest, kindest most loving person I have ever known.

I knew going in that, although he works full time, I will be unfortunately paying all of our bills. (This makes me uncomfortable). The reason is he co owns a worthless house with his 2 brothers. They are so upside down on the mortgage, they can't even re-fi.

I was TOLD when I said "yes" that the house would be listed for sale this spring and we'd just hope and pray that it was gone within 2 years.

I realized and accepted that during these 2 years (possibly even a bit longer) that, instead of improving like most peoples lives when they marry, my quality of life would decrease signifigantly. Instead of living in a comfortable 3 bedroom condo with one roommate splitting the bills, I will be living in a dangerous ghetto slum being made to pay EVERYTHING alone while my DH pays the mortgage on his house.

His mortgage is half his salary now, and supposedly going up in June.

He just informed me that he (and all of the other homeowners on his street) were sued by a neighbor.

I do not know the details but FI says it will now be at least 3-4 years before he even knows what is going on and probably more than 3-4 years before they can list the house for sale.

My world was shattered. I do not know if I can honestly live in squalor carrying all the weight, while he pitches in about $200 a month (all he'll have left after he pays his mortgage and other bills). And in 3-4 years, he could end up owing his share of the debt to the neighbor...around $8000 per homeowner.

Here is the core of my problem:
2 years of waiting for a crummy house to sell, I came to grips with.

But...The rest of my 30's, living in squalor. Never traveling. Not being able to save for a house of our own? That I do not know if I can handle. No matter how much I love him.

Basically, I am about to enter into a situation where I do not know if I can actually afford to live with my husband.

Also, do not know if in MA they can come after me for the 8K in the suit if we are married. Even though I have nothing to do with that house. We need every penny I have to live if we get married. Can they come after me?

As for me...

I have some debt, which will be paid off in 2 years. I will list these debts as they are important to understand my situation.

Old $13,400 loan with a min of $504 a month. I always pay at least $604.
Target card with $2700 on it, min is $75, I always pay $125
Best Buy card with $200 on it. min is $10. I always pay $20 (not too concerned about this one)
Capitol One card with $400 on it, min is $15, I pay $30

The interest rates go between 22%-17%. My credit score, last I checked, was 770. The debt should be gone at this rate within 2 years. I am proud of this and I've worked hard to get rid of it.

After paying when I "always pay", paying my rent, my insurance, my utilities, my car payment, my parking...I have approx $600 left over per month for food and gas. I put what I can in savings.

I have $2000 in an emergency fund and do not use these cards for anything. The last time I used them was probably 2 1/2 years ago. Even then, they were only used for emergencies. I just happened to have 3 mega emergencies come up in the same month then.

My rent is currently $400 because my roommate owns the house we are in and gives me a break. A 1 bedroom in a safe location where I could keep my job and still commute to the subway station costs, on average, $800 a month.

I could pay an extra $200 and have $400 for gas/food and have FI pay me the $200 he will be saving on his houses utiliies so there's the $800.

Problem is, what if he loses the lawsuit? Then what? On top of the house, FI has about $1000 in savings. He has about 10K in cc debt. I think he pays around $350 on that every month. His insurance is a lot cheaper than mine. He currently has nothing left over after he pays his bills. He is often not even "sure" where he comes up with $ for food and gas. I suspect when he is not staying with me (3 nights a week) that he sometimes does not eat.


Here are some things that are NOT solutions for us:

MA fines you if you don't have insurance. Cutting back insurance is not a choice.

Do not run Craigslist searches and tell me to find cheaper housing. I am aware CL lists cheaper apartments. These are in loud, scary, awful places where I would seriously be afraid to live and would sooner move back home with my parents. FI refuses to have his wife living in a ghetto where he has to worry about me getting shot. Also, many of the ghettos are very far away from my work.

Do not tell me to cut back our wedding. I already came to grips that I will never have a wedding I wanted. Am I bitter towards FI? Yes. A bit. But I'll get over it. We already have less than 20 guests and using secondhand clothing. We are not going on a honeymoon. It's been cut as far as we can. Going to a JP would not fly with my FI.

Do not tell me to get a second job. I have looked. I sell on EBay but that only brings in so much. Neither FI or I could get second jobs when we looked in Dec. We tried. We're still looking. My 45K a year job takes me away from home from 6 am to 7 pm. M-F. So I am limited. I keep looking. FI has stopped looking but says he'll start again.

We need 2 cars as our jobs are 2 hours apart from each other. I owe about 8K on my newish car. I am in a bad climate and have a 1.5 hour commute every day. I need a good car. I am worried what moving further from the city where I work will do to the car I have. FI drives a clunker. He owes about $2K on it.

I can not move into his house with his brothers. They have pets which I am deathly allergic to. FI can not tell his brothers to get rid of them. The brothers are also owners of the house and FI can not force them to get rid of their pets.

ETA: I will not marry him. period. if we have to live with a roommate or another couple. That, to me, is not a marriage.


I am sick right now. My heart feels numb. I need to do what is best for me and my future though. But I really do not see how I can live without him either. I know this post probably makes it sound like I want to leave but I want to try and do whatever I can (stopping short at giving up EVERYTHING ELSE) to make it work. I would be miserable living without him but I would be equally miserable wasting the rest of my relatively young years living in dire poverty because of his house.

Please help.

With the details you have given it is easy to figure out who you are.

I have no idea what the neighbor problem is.

Could you FI just turn the house over to his brothers and walk away?

Honestly it seems this may not be the situation for you. Love does not solve all problems.

 

[JoiseyMom]

DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!! Marriage is hard enough without the added pressures of moeny and giving things up. Postpone it. Tell him you can't move and start supporting 2 people. Lowering your lifestyle..which is average right now to move to a bad area..NO. You will resent him and then be unahppy!

Is there anyway he can walk away from the house? Sell it to his brothers, or just give his 1/3 to them? Will he be willing to do that..especailly since it is a loss?? If he can get out from udner the house would you guys be able to live somewhere better and be happier?

I would think there has to be a way for him to get out from under the house, but is he willing to do it and will his brothers let him?? It seems like he and his brothers would be better off financially without the house. Do the brothers want to get rid of the house too? It seems like your solution is getting rid of this house...one way or another..and that is in your DF's hands.

 

[Deesknee]

Prayers you come to a decision that is best for you both. I have no magic solution, but would like you to consider as one of the other posts suggested. What if he rents his portion of the home he owns. Add that with the possibility of you staying in your condo with your husband, and perhaps you can work this out. I also live in MA. I live on the south shore and trust me there are a lot of towns that have gotten a bad rap from the media. I would suggest perhaps looking a littl e closer at those towns you are classifying ast ghetto.

I would also like to add, IMO getting married is like having children if you wait until you can afford it... it will never happen. Life always comes along. DH & I got married young, built a life together. Finally bought decent house, in the neighborhood I grew up in, traveled where we wanted to(usually disney), save a little money for when our future kids went to college. Had 4 kids, 2 years before the 3 oldest went to college, dh lost his job of 23 yrs. Economy stinks, dh is earning less than 1/2 of what he was, working 1/5 more hours. NOt what either of us had planned. savings spent on keeping the house while dh was out of work. Other life situations came along, health issues, etc. Life happens. Sometimes Love prevails, sometimes it's just too tough to get thru. This may help, try to imagine if you got a call tomorrow & your dh was on life support...what would you wish for?

Sincerely, best of luck.

 

[Kae]

All I can say is don't get married if you have any doubts.

Kae

 

[mommy2allyandaveri]

It sounds like you are EXTREMELY bitter about him and your situation in general. I don't think that's a good way to start a marriage. I would put everything on hold until you figure things out and eat the deposits.

 

[wdwfan16]

If I were him, I would not have proposed.

Just being honest. But I would not have. I realize he feels awful about this and I know he is scared. But at the same time, he realizes that asking me to give up everything else I ever wanted in life (a home, travel) to stay with him is a bit of a stretch.

I personally do not know too many women who would enter into a marriage knowing that they will have to give up all of their dreams. It's one thing if this nonsense with the law suit had all come up after we were married. But we aren't married yet and FI realizes that there is still a chance for me to avoid being caught up in a horrendous life.

ITA

If you were 10 years younger I would say just wait and time will work out. Time has marched on and you need to look out for you an your plans first. I could see this not improving for another decade. Do you really want to wait that long for your dreams?

Also what kind of man would want to move the love of his life from a safe home to a questionable area because he has not money for rent.

My DH would walk to work to save money before he would have me live in an unsafe area even before we had kids. He gives me the newest car, because he would rather be the one on the side of the road broken down and not me. I am a very resiliant women. I can change a tire, the oil on my car etc but that does not mean he wants me to do those things. My father insisted that when we were learning how to drive we also learned how to take care of our car. So I learned how to do these things.

 

[lastminutemom]

If you aren't going to have children, I don't think there is any reason to marry, not right now anyway.

Why not stick with the status quo for a while longer?

Have you read the articles about strategic foreclosures? It is very possible that this may need to be what the brothers are about. It will trash his credit -- but not yours.

 

[Cdn Gal]

I don't know about how the bankruptcy laws are in your country, but in ours after 2 years you are basically back to square 1 with no debts. Could he declare bankruptcy before he marries you? Then anything that you two purchase could be put into your name only, that way the bank can't take anything. Also, as for cc debt, check into 0% balance transfers. If you apply for a cc and it has a 0% balance transfer, you can switch all of your high interest cc onto 1 card thereby paying off more of your debt. I know what it's like. For 7-8 years I have bascially been paying off all of the bills while my DH has gone back to school. It's been tough, but we have learned alot and if I had to choose from being poor and happy rather than rich and alone, I'll pick poor and happy. It sounds like he is in a mess and needs your support, but I do think that you have to lay it out on the line and talk to him about getting his **** together before you marry. Perhaps you can post-pone the wedding?? Everybody will understand. My heart goes out to you b/c I know how stressful and tough this is.