Need Quick DS17 punishment advice!!

[MinnieM3]

Wow. It looks like he has bigger problems than missing a few classes, today. The kid needs lots of help and attention. Does he have a tutor? Are you thinking about trying another school? Do you think he's struggling because of the stress the family is going through, with your illness? Have you had him drug tested?

Yes, he's getting tutored and after school help from his teachers. This is a new school for him (public) after 11 years of rigorous Catholic Education. We moved him because of this school's band program and music is his life and what he'd like to continue with through college. Gotta GET him into college, though!

He deals well with all the illness and stuff. We are extremely close and talk a lot. He's not into drugs, can't swallow pills, hates smoke, and wouldn't come near a needle. It's just not his thing. His opinion of those who he's known who have tried any drugs (all were pot) is how stupid they were.

I told him that if he had just come home he would have been fine. We'd send in a sick notice tomorrow and that's that. But to sit in the car and wait so he won't miss after school band practice is just stupid.

 

[Nancy]

If he wasn't in any of his classes why was he allowed to be in band practice? That wouldn't work in my DD's high school. If you are not in school and in classes by 4th period (10am) you are not allowed to do the extra stuff after school.

 

[indigoxtreme]

They havea 4 block system and he would miss History, in which he's actually doing ok (80;s) and Band in which he's in the 90's of course. God forbid he let down his music teacher. So he was there in more than enough time for 3rd and 4th blocks, which are Algebra 2 that he's almost failing and English Recovery that he's having to take since he failed English 3 last semester.

Plese do not think I am saying anything bad about you, just trying to give some insite as to what may be going on. I think you have a clue to a problem here. Everytime you mention band it is in the negative. This obviously is very important to him and apparently is teaching him discipline. Studies do show that over 90% of kids in band/art program do well in school and very rarely get mixed up in drugs etc, due to the discipline it takes to be in band. Maybe he is not doing well as you are being negative about what he really likes. Apparently there is a lot of stress at your home due to your illness and maybe his grades a lacking because he is worried. Band may be his outlet to forget these stresses. I would talk to him and assure him that he does not have to take the weight of the family on since you are sick. He did not lie to you, so you need to talk with him, he is 17 ask him what he feels is a fair punishment for skipping class. Maybe he really didn't think he could drive and was afraid to ask school for help knowing it would make you miss work. Stomach virus can go and come. Although he might have felt well for practice he may not this evening, that bug last from 24 to 48 hours. Also with most activites like band you must keep your grades up to particiate. Just have a good talk with him. Hope this helps and good luck to you on your surgery.

 

[MAKmom]

Maybe, but it's just so STUPID of him! I told him, if he didn't feel well, then go inside the school and see the nurse..... or call Dad at work and let him know....or call Grandad at home and let him know....or just drive back home and get some meds and go to bed.....it's only a 15 minute drive tops. But NO he just sits and says he "fell asleep" for 4 hours (!!!) in his car in the school parkikng lot. It was 40 degrees outside today and windy.....woudln't his bed be much nicer? Errrrr....

So far, cell phone is gone, may use house phone only while sitting in the den, and we're going to put him on the bus for a couple of weeks if we can arrange it. Still not sure about tomorrow. Will probably drive him and honk the horn!!

Do you really believe he was asleep in his car? He ran out the door... he was meeting someone. The girlfriend? If he was'nt feeling well he would have stayed in bed.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Plese do not think I am saying anything bad about you, just trying to give some insite as to what may be going on. I think you have a clue to a problem here. Everytime you mention band it is in the negative. This obviously is very important to him and apparently is teaching him discipline. Studies do show that over 90% of kids in band/art program do well in school and very rarely get mixed up in drugs etc, due to the discipline it takes to be in band. Maybe he is not doing well as you are being negative about what he really likes. Apparently there is a lot of stress at your home due to your illness and maybe his grades a lacking because he is worried. Band may be his outlet to forget these stresses. I would talk to him and assure him that he does not have to take the weight of the family on since you are sick. He did not lie to you, so you need to talk with him, he is 17 ask him what he feels is a fair punishment for skipping class. Maybe he really didn't think he could drive and was afraid to ask school for help knowing it would make you miss work. Stomach virus can go and come. Although he might have felt well for practice he may not this evening, that bug last from 24 to 48 hours. Also with most activites like band you must keep your grades up to particiate. Just have a good talk with him. Hope this helps and good luck to you on your surgery.

Excellent advice, IMO. Good luck, Minnie.

 

[barkley]

don't mean to be the nasty voice of discent here. but despite what any offical reports of findings show- i was the kid who participated in theatre, music (vocal), theatre and HONOR CLASSES in highschool (graduated a year early), as well as similar classes in colleges, and served on boards of communtiy theatres and muscials groups. despite reports to the contrary-there is hardly less drug and alcohol use, but rather higher amoung minor aged musicians.

while the idea "theory" is that dedication/habits to support musical education implies less of an aptitude to pursue illegal drug and alcohol activities, in realitiy many highschool and college age muscians are exposed to these activies by virtue of the "muscian mystique". just as some young actors fall victem to the idea that all actors lead a loose and freewheeling lifestyle, many young muscians fall victem to the idea that both drug and alcohol experiences go hand in hand with with the insturmental learning experience.

i am very saddened by the fact that of the muscians i knew in highschool that have gone on to professional (full time or part time) careers-at least 70% have current or prior significan drug and or alcohol problems.

to believe that by virtue of a student choosing to attend a music course over an academic may prevent their involvement in illegal/unhealthy activities is in my opion (and most profession performer/muscian's association/unions) ill informed at best.

 

[mamacatnv]

He's not into drugs, can't swallow pills, hates smoke, and wouldn't come near a needle. It's just not his thing. His opinion of those who he's known who have tried any drugs (all were pot) is how stupid they were.

I told him that if he had just come home he would have been fine. We'd send in a sick notice tomorrow and that's that. But to sit in the car and wait so he won't miss after school band practice is just stupid.

Mother of 16 yr old son here. They do do stupid things, they make stupid decisions they are teenagers, there brains are redeveloping themselves and for now have the judgement capabilities of Jello (not quite, but you get my meaning). He made a bad choice to stay in the car, could have gone home, could have gone to school. He already had an out for the morning, typical teenage logic, it was okay to stay home with sick sib, why would it not be okay to hang here in my car so that I feel up to going to band practice. IMHO, punishment is not necessary, he didn't willfully disobey or lie, he made a bad decision. Discuss the bad decision, and if/when he does it again then there are grounds for punishment. Just MHO -

MamaCatNV

 

[TinkInPink]

I agree with mamacatnv 16 yr olds do stupid things. IMO of course he wouldn't call you you already made it clear you couldn't miss work that is why he had to miss school (which I don't agree with but that is my opinion) so he is not going to bother you. He probably thought he was helping everyone out by just resting in the car. He may have fallen asleep teen boys can sleep anywhere. Have you asked why band practice was so important? some of these directors are as tough as coaches if you miss practice you don't perform. I think I would discuss all the bad things that could have happened to him and leave it at that. I also don't think he needs punished my goodness he has an awful lot on his plate right now as it is and it seems band is his only high point. Why not get the band teacher who he likes and you don't to talk to him about his grades. He may respond to them.

 

[kristen821]

Do you think he was really in the car or do you think he thaught he could get away with ditching since he was called in? I think this is something you have to go with your insticts on. Your insticts will most likely be right. I think it is something that definately needs to be punished, but the severity of the punishment depends on if you think he is lying about falling asleep. To me the story seems a bit fishy. Feeling sick would be a convenient excuse since he could have caught it from younger bro.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Well, I'm going to show my age here ...Let it go!

In the big scheme of things, it does not matter. He is 17. Just let him know that you wish he would have been more truthful and leave it at that. Believe me, when you treat it this way he will be more careful to not disappoint you in the future.

TC

 

[MinnieM3]

I can't remember who posted about negativity and band, maybe it came across that way, but I have been super supportive in that area.... the big volunteering band parent, although I know no one at this school, went to every competition, overnights, concerts, parades, etc. Have pictures of everyone, made friends, etc. It *is* supposed to make them more disciplined, but he's just not.

I've e-mailed his percussion teaacher and left voice mail on his cell phone regarding talking to Rhett since Rhett regards him so highly. No response, which really ticks me off. It's been over 2 weeks.

WE did discuss bad choices and what options he had that he didn't choose. As far as my illness goes, I know this may sound weird to most of you, but I try hard to keep on being the same type of mom and keep the same type of life for him as if I wasn't sick..... if I didn't do anything about yesterday because I felt sorry for him because of me, he'd read right through it. He expects me to be me and I feel it gives him some sense of stability when things are topsy turvy.

 

[SunFloridaDisney]

Well, I'm going to show my age here ...Let it go!

In the big scheme of things, it does not matter. He is 17. Just let him know that you wish he would have been more truthful and leave it at that. Believe me, when you treat it this way he will be more careful to not disappoint you in the future.

TC

I agree. Kids do stupid things, as someone else noted, 16-17 yr olds make lots of mistakes, part of the whole learning process.

Sure is tough to be a parent of a teen!! Best wishes to you for this situation and your upcoming surgery.

 

[diskids2]

What is wrong with asking a 17 year old to stay at home for a couple of hours to look after his brother? I would agree that you wouldn't plan this situation but in an emergency he should be more than able to help out.

I do agree with the grounding.

I agree. There is nothing wrong with asking the 17 year old to stay home for the morning. He took advantage of the situation, turned it around for his pleasure, and spent the day playing with his (whatever the instrument is that he plays).

As for a punishment, I would ground him, after VDay, maybe for the weekend. Even if it the first time, he still cut school.

 

[diskids2]

[/QUOTE]As far as my illness goes, I know this may sound weird to most of you, but I try hard to keep on being the same type of mom and keep the same type of life for him as if I wasn't sick..... if I didn't do anything about yesterday because I felt sorry for him because of me, he'd read right through it. He expects me to be me and I feel it gives him some sense of stability when things are topsy turvy.[/QUOTE]


This doesn't sound weird to me at all. Good luck with everything.

 

[horseshowmom]

What is wrong with asking a 17 year old to stay at home for a couple of hours to look after his brother? I would agree that you wouldn't plan this situation but in an emergency he should be more than able to help out.

I do agree with the grounding.

I agree! He'll live through it, and hopefully, he'll think twice next time. (The previous poster's comment about jello brains is right on target. A friend of mine shakes his head and says that his sons are "just big old stupid boys" sometimes.)


(And I have to admit that his line about thinking he might be too sick to drive so he decided that it would be better to spend the day in his car, was a little hard to swallow. Gotta give him credit for being creative though! )

 

[MinnieM3]

I've calmed down a bit down due to chocolate intake..... so death for him is out of the question now.... Grounding is staying put, except I'll let him go give his girlfriend her presents. No cell phone still. I think that'll do it....... idiot teens!

 

[mamacatnv]

death for him is out of the question now.... idiot teens!

Gotta be JELLO cause jam don't Jiggle like that!

MamaCatNV

 

[simba928]

I would say grounding him would be good. I like the whole bring him to his girlfriend's to drop off the gift and honking the horn thing.

I just wanted to add that I don't think showing up at band practice should have anything to do with his punishment. In my band, even if we aren't in school, we are expected to be at band practice. And the director takes attendance to make sure everyone's there. In the very beginning of the season, our band director told us "There is no excuse for skipping band practice. If you do skip, you better be on your death bed."