need help with sensitive issue

[troubled]

Like so many Americans, my husband is extremely job scared right now. After 2 decades of marriage, I have never seen him like this, he seems bordering on a breakdown. His duties at work have increased threefold and he seems to be cracking under the pressure. He is so worried over how we would survive without his income, he is not himself at all, even though he has over 20 years at his job.
So here is the sensitive question. Sadly DH's dad passed away last month. Dh's brother is handling the estate there are just the 2 of them. There is a good chance that dh is getting some sort of inheritance although I am clueless as to how much, I think it would be enough to have a visibly positive impact, and I would think just knowing there was some money coming his way that we could put towards our mortgage or something would ease his "what if I lose my job" fears. I would think after 5 weeks someone would have to know what was in DFinL's will but my husband is very passive and reluctant to bother his brother so he will not call him and ask him anything. Would I be wrong to suggest he call his brother and ask for some sort of update on if the will has been read. In all honesty I wasnt even thinking about it until my husband had a complete meltdown last night I didnt realize how bad his state of mind was. I appreciate any honest feedback you can give, and would really like to know if I should just keep my mouth shut. I just hate to see my husband sick with worry,

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I think his dad would have been glad to know the inheritance could help your DH in this time of need. I say have him call his brother.

 

[Camicar]

I see no reason why it's inappropriate to talk to his own brother about their father's estate.

O/T: Do you have health insurance that would pay for some counseling for your dh? It sounds like he could use some coping strategies to help him through this difficult time.

 

[AtlantaSue]

You sound like a very loving, supportive wife, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with you suggesting that DH call his brother. I would certainly do it if I were in your shoes.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It must be so hard, losing his dad, and the current job stress, etc...
I agree with the above post, and think that your husband's well being should be the first thing on the list here.

About his father's passing... It seems that there should be a reading of the will and the beginning of any probate (if necessary) scheduled by now... more than a month later??? I think that it seems very very reasonable for your DH (or yourself) to contact his brother to simply inquire into any of the plans-proceedings. I would be very concerned about what was going on if I had not heard anything at this point.

In fact, I might wonder if the brother was also experiencing some 'issues' that were creating a delay... issues that you might want to be aware of...

It would seem, as the son of the deceased, and as a probable living heir, your husband (or yourself on his behalf) would have every reasonable right to inquire thru official channels (legal, court, etc...) I wouldn't know what exact contacts you would need to make. But, these are my thoughts.

Once again,
I send hugs and condolances to your husband and yourself.

 

[AristocatFan]

I agree, he should talk to his brother. If he doesn't feel comfortable asking about the inheritance, he could just ask how the estate settlement is coming and if there is anything he needs to do. Or if there's something he can help with. This is a difficult time but it sounds like your DH has your support, which is what he needs most right now.

 

[ols386]

I see nothing wrong with your DH calling his brother. Also, I must say, you do sound like a very loving, caring, and supportive wife. That's really sweet.

 

[mumom95]

When my mother passed, it was only my sister and I, and I was the executor of the estate (only because I lived in the same area and my sister lived in a different state). My mom did not have a will, so things were a little different. But I would not have minded one bit if my sister had called me up and asked me about anything concerning the estate. Usually anytime something happened I called her right away, but we are very close.

Assuming that your dh and his brother are close, I see no problem calling and asking some questions. Now, if your dh and his brother are not close, and you think him calling might cause a problem, I don't know if it would be best to put added stress on your dh at this time.

Good luck.

 

[teacups]

I agree with all the posts here, and depending on your relationship with brothers wife (assuming he's married)... maybe call her and see if brother is having a hard time too? Hugs.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Yes you should suggest he call his brother.

However at the same time you need to realize that the amount of money he is too receive will not ease his mind about losing his job.

In addition he is dealing with the loss of his father.

Your DH is in a state of depression and dealing with his brother is probably overwhelming to him right now. Getting money from the estate is just blaring the fact his father is dead.

I will think good thoughts for you.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I don't know, but I would think since it's the end of the year, certain papers, etc. will have to be filed in preparation for income tax filing. Maybe that's a way for DH to ease into the conversation with his brother? My condolensces to you and DH in the loss of DFIL. Hopefully his fears about losing his job will be put to rest soon and he can get on with the grieving process without being concerned with other things.

 

[7165red]

Is it possible for you to contact the lawyer who made up your father in laws will?? When it comes to money it does strange things to people. I hope your brother in law is agreeable.

 

[Tink888]

Like so many Americans, my husband is extremely job scared right now. After 2 decades of marriage, I have never seen him like this, he seems bordering on a breakdown. His duties at work have increased threefold and he seems to be cracking under the pressure. He is so worried over how we would survive without his income, he is not himself at all, even though he has over 20 years at his job.
So here is the sensitive question. Sadly DH's dad passed away last month. Dh's brother is handling the estate there are just the 2 of them. There is a good chance that dh is getting some sort of inheritance although I am clueless as to how much, I think it would be enough to have a visibly positive impact, and I would think just knowing there was some money coming his way that we could put towards our mortgage or something would ease his "what if I lose my job" fears. I would think after 5 weeks someone would have to know what was in DFinL's will but my husband is very passive and reluctant to bother his brother so he will not call him and ask him anything. Would I be wrong to suggest he call his brother and ask for some sort of update on if the will has been read. In all honesty I wasnt even thinking about it until my husband had a complete meltdown last night I didnt realize how bad his state of mind was. I appreciate any honest feedback you can give, and would really like to know if I should just keep my mouth shut. I just hate to see my husband sick with worry,

I see nothing wrong with your DH calling your brother for status on the estate, however you mentioned in your post that he was hesitant to do so, so if that is how your DH feels, I wouldn't pressure him to make any calls. Here is PA, once the will is taken to an attorney and the probate process has begun, it is generally several months until probate is completed and inheritances are distributed.

to you and DH. The worry of losing a job is so stressful as it is. I can't imagine having to deal with the grief of losing a parent on top of that.

I am not the main breadwinner in my family, however I was just laid off two weeks ago. Before the layoff - our company was having serious problems (cutbacks, other layoffs) My workload had increased and morale at work was just awful - everyone was worried. Coming home and turning on the news to the stories of the economy compounded that. Just a really stressful time. What helped me was to leave the tv off when I came home and to try and leave work at work and focus on other things when I got home. I know that's easier said than done.

Just try talk to your husband, let him know you are there for him and be a good listener. Another poster mentioned counseling and that might not be a bad idea to help your DH work through some of his stress and grief.

I am sorry your family is going through all of this right now and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Disney Doll]

I see no harm in DH calling and asking about what's going on. When DMIL died, crazy SIL called twice a day, for God's sakes. DH, as executor, was very careful to keep everyone in the loop all the time. To me, it sounds a bit strange that DH hasn't heard a peep from his brother in 5 weeks. Truthfully, with my DH's mother's estate probating, once the process started there were things he needed to notify his sisters about almost on a weekly basis. perhaps if DH is uncomfortable with outright asking, he could broach it from a "is there any information you need from me" standpoint, or "do I need to do anything to help you with Dad's estate". If Dad had a house, what is happening with that? Is it being cleaned out and sold, is the other brother buying it? What about other stuff with sentimental value? Have they gone through his belongings? Like I said, 5 weeks with no word seems like a long "lag" time to me.

Do DH & his brother get along, or is there animosity? Perhaps discuss with DH you calling his brother and asking about the estate...again broaching it from the "is there anything you need from us to probate dad's estate or do you need help with anything?".

These are such uncertain times, I know a lot of folks are on edge.

 

[Otimon]

Absolutely encourage your husband to call his brother. Shame on the brother for not having already called your husband.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[GeorgeG]

A friend once told me a story about a successful CEO of a large company who was falling victim to corporate pressures. He was making good money, but the stress was causing health issues and he just wasn't happy.

This guy decided to drop out of the corporate scene and open a small sandwich shop in the lobby of the same building he had worked in for years. He worked fewer hours, had less stress, and still got to see his old friends every day. He didn't make anywhere near the same salary, but he made enough to live on and his health improved greatly.

How this relates to the OP is that no job is worth the stress and worry that her husband is going through. Keep life simple and keep your health and sanity. When I retired from a stressful job I was told that I will likely find another, similar job. My thought was that any job that requires a resume has way too much stress for me.

 

[N&B'smom]

Wow, I'm sorry. I can only imagine the stress on top of the loss of his father.

I definitely think he should ask his brother.

Shelby

 

[quasar4legs]

I'm with everyone else on this one, it is perfectly fine for hubby to call his brother and see how things are going. I imagine that organising the paper work may take a bit of time so maybe hubby could offer to help if he doesn't want to ask outright.
When my dad died my sister organised everything (she's an accountant who loves to organise) but she was very good at keeping everyone in the loop.

Big hugs to you all during this dissicult time.

Trish

 

[RNMOM]

That hardly seems fair for your bil to not share that information outright.

As for your DH's work situation. I completely agree. My DH has had some tense periods too. He was lucky to be moved into corporate engineering. They have closed several plants so he missed the axe, so to speak.

The advice I gave my DH was to make a list of all his duties and catagorize them. Make an "A" list of the most important, and so on. This gave him a target for each day/week/month. When he had his review he shared his system with his boss and was complimented on his organization and priorities. Yeah, I'm sure he didn't tell his boss the "little lady" came up with that one. He is very smart on his own but sometimes you just need to go back to the basics. He always has so many people asking questions and needing help that he gets pulled in a million directions and this has helped him be able to know the most important tasks get priority.

Give him lots of hugs and sometimes just being a quiet companion can help. So do backrubs.