Need help re DS6's conduct in class

[crisi]

I don't know that spending the day in class would help. I think he would just behave because I am there. When I go to school for parties or field trips, he acts like an angel. I guess that would help me to see how the other kids act, but I don't think I'd get a true view of how DS acts in class.

That's why you might want to spend several days there watching. Or volunteer regularly. Which I know can be impossible - I work outside the home and there isn't any way I could do it regularly - but my kids' friends' moms let me in on what is going on in the classroom, and let me know their perspective on my kid - sometimes with eyes the teacher doesn't have.

But when I am there, even when my kids are on their best behavior, I see the amount of control the other kids are exercising - and what is expected. And whether the kids as a whole live up to expectations.

 

[Manda]

Does your teacher let them earn their way back to green if after they get yellow/red/etc.? We had issues in Kindergarten with the green/yellow/red system. She was originally doing it where you can only go down - so once my son's card flipped to yellow for the day, he pretty much wrote off the rest of the day as a loss. Because he already thought he was "bad" and was in trouble for the day. I spoke with the school social worker and she suggested to the teacher that she let them earn their way back to green with good behavior. So they can recover the day instead of dwelling all day on being in trouble. This made all the difference in the world for m son and I even made sure his 1st grade teacher was planning on doing it that way as well (she does). So, if your teacher doesn't do that, suggest it. If she does, make sure DS understands that. My son still gets yellows frequently, but I don't really consider "satisfactory" something to punish for. Just room for improvement.

 

[Poohs#1fan]

I can't help but reply after reading this. I was a special ed teacher before I had my DD2, not that you son has a disability, but I am very, very familiar with behavior modification plans. I think that your first step should be a conference with the teacher. You should go in with your concerns/questions written down and try to stay as factual as possible and try to leave your emotions at the door. I know that is hard, but if you start getting defensive, etc the teacher won't open up about the situation as you need her too. I would look around while you are there to see if the rules are posted, not that your son doesn't know them, but everyone needs a little reminder once in a while. I would question why he always gets to the color before the principal, but yet never makes it to going to the principal. Sometimes one good visit with the principal can change a lot. My guess would be that whatever he is doing isn't bad enough to take up the principal's time, but kids are very quick to learn that hey she won't send me there so I can do what I want once I get to the color before. (Sorry my colors were different and I don't want to screw it up.) If you don't feel like you get anywhere significant, I would request a "positive" behavior modification plan for your son. It would focus on the good and not the bad. If she doesn't know how/can't/won't then I would request one from a school psychologist or whomever your school/district may have. Or if she implements one and it doesn't help at all then request one from higher up. Keep in mind that behavior modification plans need to be adjusted all the time. It may work off the bat and not work 2 weeks later, so it needs adjusting or it may not work in the beginning and need to be changed. It is best to include the student when doing it so the rewards are things he wants and will work towards.
I feel like I'm rambling, so one last thought would be you said you offer him a reward for staying on a good color all week. My suggestion would be to try for the color between best and the principal first and don't make it all week. Maybe a little reward for each day that he stays on that color and then if he makes it all week give a larger reward. You'd have to be very careful though if you start both of these (behavior plan and home) because it could be counter productive if you are not expecting the same thing from him.

I'm sorry I rambled so much. Hope that helps a little. Let me know if I can help. Good luck!

 

[natashag76]

Is it possible that he is bored? I apologize if someone already mentioned this possibility...
You stated that his reading is amazing, he zooms through his homework, and he answers out in class. If when he answers (regardless of handraising or lack thereof) his answers are correct and on target, he may be ahead of what is being taught.
Before I get blasted, yes, he must follow class rules. And disruptive behavior is unfair to the other kids. However, if he is not getting anything from class it's unfair to him, too. And at such a young age you do not want him becoming disenchanted with education because he's being punished for being smart (the way he may view it).
Perhaps during the subjects that are the easiest for him he can go to a resource room, if your school offers that, for private instruction that will offer him a challenge. Also, often, because resource teachers are used to children with different needs he may be able to be a bit more exuberant than he can in his regular class.
By the way, I'm also a mom of a 1st grader and a social worker with an interest in young children
Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[playswithstars]

Your son could totally be this one little boy in my 1st grade class. He had the same problems with listening and just being silly all the time. We tried EVERYTHING which so far has been 15 weeks and nothing has really worked.

We use the same color system as well and the warnings are the same.

He didn't care about rewards, losing things, going to the principal. (he actually enjoyed it)

The only thing we've found so far that has remotely helped is lots and lots and lots of POSITIVE behavior support. Ignore any behavior that he is doing wrong that you don't want him to repeat unless it's dangerous. We found he was repeated the negative behavior because he got a lot of attention that way. He realized that he was being ignored and the kids who were following the rules were getting the attention. So he's been trying really hard recently to make good choices rather than bad ones.

He's currently in the process of being transistioned to an alternative classroom where he can get further/more intensive help with his behavior.

A question for you. Is he the only child or around many children while at home? We have one little boy who is very calm at home, gets his work done fine, watches tv/plays, goes to bed. His behavior is very different at school and disruptive. We also found out after meeting with the mom that he has no young siblings and he's normally only around adults so when he comes to school he acts out/is silly for the kids his own age since he normally doesn't get to play with his kids outside school.

 

[RumpleMom]

I like Dr. John Rosemond's commonsense approach to raising kids.

 

[skuttle]

Thanks for all of the replies.

His teacher has tried to let him earn his way back up a color a few times, but it has rarely worked.

I did hear back from his teacher this morning. We are thinking about moving him to his own spot, alone. She has moved him all over the classroom and he always manages to find a "buddy" as she put it. We had the same thing happen last year around this time of year. In Kindergarten, we talked his teacher out of moving him, talked to him at home about that possibility, and his behavior improved.

She also said that he does not do his classwork most of the time unless she is standing there making sure he is doing it. However, when it comes to tests, he breezes through them and get almost everything correct. I asked her if she thought that maybe he needed more work in class.

We have tried various rewards. He can get video games for the weekend if he gets more greens than yellow in a week (no reds) so we aren't trying to make him perfect. Several times, after a bad few days, I'll tell him we'll stop for an Icee after school if he gets green that day. If he gets all green for the week, we plan something extra fun for the weekend, just for him.

He is an only child, but please don't blame his behavior on that. I am an only child and never acted this way. He plays with lots of kids all of the time, including his cousins and he plays some type of team sport throughout the year. Plus, we've been trying to have another child for over 3 years and have gone through various infertility tests and procedures with no luck. Please do not blame this on my inability to give my son a sibling. If you haven't been there, you don't know what it is like. And if you have been there, you know that hearing this type of comment puts you over the edge. I don't buy into that "only child" stuff.

Today is a good behavior party and he cannot go because he received more than 4 reds this 9-weeks. Hopefully sitting out this party will make some of this sink in a bit for him.

 

[skuttle]

Teacher will be giving DS more work to do in class to see if that helps. She said she thought about that last night and was going to email me this morning to suggest it. We'll see if that helps.

My DH was always a talker when he was younger. He was often bored in class as well, and acted out because of that. Of course, DH was also one to do just enough to get by even though he was capable of much more than that. I, on the other hand, strived to be the best. I just want DS to do the best that he can, and right now, I know he is not.

 

[loveysbydesign]

Sounds to me like he is perhaps gifted and bored!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Sounds to me like you just haven't found his currency so to speak. You need to find that one thing that he absolutely loves that will make a difference if you take it away. You also need to be consistent. Don't constantly change the punishment. When you ask him why he behaves a certain way and he says he doesn't know- don't accept that as an answer. Insist that he tell you why. Sure, he might pull out the tears etc. but you need to get to the bottom of it. If he doesn't care etc. that means that he is being disrespectful and that imo needs to be dealt with. By not listening and disrupting the class he is being disrespectful. Some kids lack impulse control at that age. I don't believe every kid who has a behavioral issue has ADD, ADHD, or is gifted. Some kids simply need more help with it.
Maybe you need to show him that you are really angry when he gets on red. Not that you are going to beat the kid or anything but you need to get your point across that you do not find his behavior acceptable at all and you are disappointed because you did not teach him to behave that way. Let him know that it hurts YOUR feelings because you know he is a good boy but he is not acting that way. KWIM?
Good luck!

 

[mjkacmom]

I don't buy the bored excuse. I think, in first grade, most of the kids get the work - up until 3rd or 4th grade, the focus is on the kids who are struggling. I don't remember any of my children getting a grade less than a 98 up until 4th grade. My 3 oldest started kindergarten reading very well. They all tested into the GT program in 3rd grade (6 kids total per grade). Yes, 2 of them had behavior issues, the other didn't. While they didn't learn much academically those 4 years, they did learn how to behave in school (and by 4th grade, they had it down).

I do feel sorry for the teachers who have 90% of the parents asking for supplemental work for their bright children, most who don't realize that their children are more average than advanced.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

My guess is that he's not being challenged enough in the classroom. Does the school have alternatives?? Does he like to read? Could he be a volunteer/assistant for a school worker during the day?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Skuttle, when you ask your DS about his day, ask if anything interesting happened in class or if anyone got flags and what they did. It might give you a window into how things are playing out in the classroom. I'm not saying the things your DS is doing is acceptable, but the environment and peers do have an impact.

I am wondering about the "joining in" statement the teacher made. It may be isolated and (still) inappropriate, but it also may be there is a class clown (or clowns) that gets a lot of attention and he wants in on it too.

ETA- The laughs he might be getting from his classmates might be more lasting to him than the punishment of a flag that carries no immediate repercussions.

I agree with a pp that the root issue needs to be discovered.