Need help on how to approach friend.

[Toad_Passenger]

My BF since forever has confided in me a little tidbit about his marriage. He and his wife got married about 10 years ago. They were high school sweethearts and are perfect for each other.

Fast forward to last week when he told me that he wanted to talk to me about a situation that had arisen.

Basically a new girl has started at his work and they both have a ton in common. She's fairly attractive, and the common bonds they share only seem to enhance that image, in his mind. This girl is obviously interested (even though she knows he's married) because she constantly changes her facebook status talking about things like, "Why are all the good ones taken," etc.

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

I'm at a loss for what to say to him. We're going out for a guy's night tomorrow, so I know this is going to be the discussion. On one hand I don't want anything to happen with him and his wife (since she's been a good friend of mine since High School as well), but on the other hand his point about fairness seems pretty valid. Is he never supposed to meet new people, and how, 10 years ago, when he got married, was he ever supposed to know that someone else may enter his life?

They have 3 lovely daughters and it just seems like a completely unfair situation. However, I'm a very strong "never cheat, never stray" type of guy, so I don't want to go light on him about this, and make sure I get some sort of point across.

Help me out DISers!

 

[Bethenny]

Oh please. Is this guy a grown up? Because grown ups understand that LIFE ISN'T FAIR!! You make your choices and you live with them. Is it fair to his daughters and his wife that suddenly daddy isn't happy because he wants to chase some tail? This guy's a *******.

 

[DawnCt1]

My BF since forever has confided in me a little tidbit about his marriage. He and his wife got married about 10 years ago. They were high school sweethearts and are perfect for each other.

Fast forward to last week when he told me that he wanted to talk to me about a situation that had arisen.

Basically a new girl has started at his work and they both have a ton in common. She's fairly attractive, and the common bonds they share only seem to enhance that image, in his mind. This girl is obviously interested (even though she knows he's married) because she constantly changes her facebook status talking about things like, "Why are all the good ones taken," etc.

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

I'm at a loss for what to say to him. We're going out for a guy's night tomorrow, so I know this is going to be the discussion. On one hand I don't want anything to happen with him and his wife (since she's been a good friend of mine since High School as well), but on the other hand his point about fairness seems pretty valid. Is he never supposed to meet new people, and how, 10 years ago, when he got married, was he ever supposed to know that someone else may enter his life?

They have 3 lovely daughters and it just seems like a completely unfair situation. However, I'm a very strong "never cheat, never stray" type of guy, so I don't want to go light on him about this, and make sure I get some sort of point across.

Help me out DISers!

You're kidding, right? You don't know what to say to him? He is married. He has three little girls who need an intact family. He has a wife whom he loves and who loves him.
Life" didn't "throw" another "one" at him. This pretty young thing is throwing herself at him. Pretty much like the rule for vampires; She can't "enter" his life unless he invites her in. He needs to cowboy up and ride away from this woman. He needs to stop checking her "Facebook". He needs to end this "emotional affair" now before it becomes a real affair and destroys his family. The grass is always greener on the otherside.

 

[Bren's Mom]

You're kidding, right? You don't know what to say to him? He is married. He has three little girls who need an intact family. He has a wife whom he loves and who loves him.
Life" didn't "throw" another "one" at him. This pretty young thing is throwing herself at him. Pretty much like the rule for vampires; She can't "enter" his life unless he invites her in. He needs to cowboy up and ride away from this woman. He needs to stop checking her "Facebook". He needs to end this "emotional affair" now before it becomes a real affair and destroys his family. The grass is always greener on the otherside.

Amen.

Ask him if he REALLY wants to consider throwing away his marriage for a tart who is happy to flirt with a MARRIED man?

 

[johnsontrio]

A good outcome can only be reached if he removes himself from this temptation immediately, whether it be through his own resolve or if he needs to remove himself physically from this situation. Nothing good can come from it. If he pursues this relationship there will be one big hot mess left in the wake. We all know where this leads and he needs to be strong and avoid it like the plague!

 

[SC Minnie]

That's what making a committment and vow mean when you marry.

Marriage is constantly a work in progress. Sometimes the work is harder than others. This new woman may be attractive but would she still be there to take care of him when he's sick, take care of his children, their home, wash his dirty clothes, etc. The things his wife of 10 years has been doing?

How would he feel if his wife had these same thoughts? That maybe HE wasn't 'the one' after all? He needs to tell this new girl to back off, stop hanging around her, unfriend her on Facebook. It's only going to cause trouble.

 

[anniemae]

Why on earth would he throw away a wonderful life with his wife and kids for a "fling." It seems those never last.........


What he is feeling is probably infatuation and that giddy feeling of a new relationship. I think he would regret leaving his family. Thats what I would tell him.

 

[Motherofboys]

Throw away a 10 year marriage and your family for some girl that is "semi-attractive" and that he thinks he has a lot in common with??

Um, we all meet interesting people throughout our lives - those of us who get married choose to commit to one person So I'm not sure how this makes life "not fair".

Him even entertaining the thought of "trying it out" with some chick just to see if life is better on the other side of the fence is definitely not fair to his loving wife and kids who are counting on him to be a grown up and honor his committments.

I think I would tell him to get his head out of the gutter and be thankful for what he has. And that he needs to get back to be a professional, i.e. don't be checking some girl that you work with out on facebook all the time to see her status updates - good grief!!

 

[TKERBELL]

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

Sometimes life throws a test - you either pass or you fail - there is no grade curve, there is no retest - you get one shot.

I am sorry your friend is so conflicted, I am sure he think he is genuinely confused - however his confiding in YOU is really him asking for permission. If he really loves his wife, as you say he does, then there should be no confusion, what it sounds like is he is "comfortable with his wife" - and that is not love.

As for what you should do or say - I am a firm believer that a conflict between two people cannot be solved with a third person of interest. - You may want to suggest he and his wife talk to a clergy member or elder of their church if they attend church, OR they can seek counseling.

The other question is how would he feel if one of his daughters were in a position of either of these women, the wife or the "friend"

Additionally I might add this sounds like a scenario from the movie "He's just not that into you" the Bradley Cooper/Scarlett Johannsen/Jennifer Connolly story line.

Good luck, you are not in an easy position, and this may cost your friendship, at least for a while.

 

[babyrich]

REALLY???? C'MON!!!!! Do any of us know who we may meet in the future? Of course not, like the other post said, you live with your choices. You dont marry until something else comes along. Sounds to me he is just looking for valid excuses, in his mind, to fool around with someone else.

I have met other men I have things in common with but I love my husband and would never consider being with another man.

If he really finds this situation "unfair" maybe he needs to evaluate his life. Maybe this is just a mid-life crisis and he needs to buy a corvette or something.

Best advice is to tell him to grow up and to tell this other gal that he is not interested.

 

[pyrxtc]

A good outcome can only be reached if he removes himself from this temptation immediately, whether it be through his own resolve or if he needs to remove himself physically from this situation. Nothing good can come from it. If he pursues this relationship there will be one big hot mess left in the wake. We all know where this leads and he needs to be strong and avoid it like the plague!

fully agree

 

[Toad_Passenger]

Awesome! These are the things I was talking about. As a guy it's not often we need to have talks like this with our buddies. It's usually sports, beer, etc. Rarely do we get to tackle the tough stuff.

I really don't think he has any intentions of leaving his family. And, as his best friend for over 2 decades, now, I can say he's not a "*******" as a PP mentioned. He is clearly having a hard time with this. Especially with the fact that they work in close proximity for 8+ hours per day.

I really like what anniemae said about the "giddy" feeling. I'm hoping that's all it is, since he's not a "go out and meet people" person, maybe he is confusing the excitement over having someone at work with things in common with something else.

When he brought this topic up it had little to do with "fooling around" or anything like that. I've never seen him like this, he was really confused about everything.

I'm looking forward to going out with him tomorrow to really figure out what's going on.

 

[hambirg]

Oh man, that's a tough one!

I think if I was in your shoes, I would just remind him that he doesn't really know this gal from work like he knows his wife. He knows that he and his wife have a good thing, but who knows what things with this other woman would be like ten years down the road.

After someone has been married as long as he has, it's nice to feel like somebody besides your spouse would be interested in you. It's flattering and it makes you feel good. But that's it. If he wants to still be work friends with this other woman (and get a little ego stroke from it) that's ok, but he needs to make it clear that they are just friends. And he needs to be clear in his head that what he has with his wife is real and what is going on with this gal from work is nothing more than feeling kind of flattered by her attention.

If there are other things going on in his marriage, then he needs to address those things separate from what's going on at work and how he feels about this other woman.

Good luck.

 

[DWGal210]

I agree with the other posters...this is only going to end badly. As a friend, I think you should be very frank with him; is he really ready to give up his wife & kids for this chick?! Oh....and stop communicating with her on FB, etc. Cheating doesn't just mean being physically intimate....there are all kinds if cheating.

Maybe he could spend his energy wooing his wife again & rekindling their marriage before he throws it all away.

 

[focusondisney]

My BF since forever has confided in me a little tidbit about his marriage. He and his wife got married about 10 years ago. They were high school sweethearts and are perfect for each other.

Fast forward to last week when he told me that he wanted to talk to me about a situation that had arisen.

Basically a new girl has started at his work and they both have a ton in common. She's fairly attractive, and the common bonds they share only seem to enhance that image, in his mind. This girl is obviously interested (even though she knows he's married) because she constantly changes her facebook status talking about things like, "Why are all the good ones taken," etc.

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

I'm at a loss for what to say to him. We're going out for a guy's night tomorrow, so I know this is going to be the discussion. On one hand I don't want anything to happen with him and his wife (since she's been a good friend of mine since High School as well), but on the other hand his point about fairness seems pretty valid. Is he never supposed to meet new people, and how, 10 years ago, when he got married, was he ever supposed to know that someone else may enter his life?

They have 3 lovely daughters and it just seems like a completely unfair situation. However, I'm a very strong "never cheat, never stray" type of guy, so I don't want to go light on him about this, and make sure I get some sort of point across.

Help me out DISers!

Hmmmm, nice friend. He wants you to give him permission to cheat on his wife? For a woman who would flirt/ put the moves on a married man?

OK. Here's my opinion, since you asked: I would remind him that he chose his wife. He made legal, moral & spiritual promises to his wife. And he probably didn't include "UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG" in those promises.

I'd remind him of all he has to lose. Tell him maybe instead of fantasizing about some babe at work, he should be trying to keep the love & bond strong with his wife. If there are issues with the wife, maybe he should work on fixing those or end the marriage before he looks for the next one.

I have been married 32 years. Yes, every marriage has low points & hard times. But if hard times happened, I reminded myself that I promised this man that I would respect him & love him enough to work thru them. And that's what marriage is.

I'd have totell my friend to find someone else to chat about his crush with. I don't think this will end well for his family & I wouldn't want to be part of it.

JMHO. Good luck!

 

[mjkacmom]

This is the 7 year itch - tell him to work through it! Is this the first time a woman other than his wife is flirting with him? The reason why she seems so attractive is because she is forbidden, the same reason she is attracted to him. If he leaves his wife, this guy is a divorced dad of three - definitely not a catch.

Tell him to go by a sports car. Geez.

 

[Kim♥DISNEY]

I am sorry ... but you need to tell him to grow up!

Yes, the other girl seems like his sole mate, but, she is probably single ... and has done this with other guys. ( ... and I know girls like this! They are just grasping for a relationship and the novelty of it. But, when the relationship gets a little complicated, they are out of there.)

Life with 3 children can be a challenge and trying to maintain a marriage sometimes gets put on the back burner ... however, if he left his wife to be with his sole mate ... who knows if someone else becomes his "sole mate" once the lust wears off.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'm with the other PP's on here. This new girls is just that, NEW. New and shiny only lasts for so long but eventually the new and shiny wears off and the cracks begin to show. 10 years is a dangerous time, it's been a while since he's dated so he's forgotten about the lies/failure and heartache, but he hasn't been married long enough to know that these little distractions grow cold. This new girl is nothing more than a flatterer who, if he lets her, could easily destroy what he does have only to leave him like so many men, sad, alone, paying alimony and wishing he could get a do-over with "the one".

Some women just get a high off of taking other women's men, they think it makes them powerful and in control but it really just makes them pathetic. The type is hard to miss, they go around collecting men and ruined relationships like charms on a bracelet.

If your friend is smart he should jam on the brakes to see what's really under the hood, get to know her story & her history as a person before even thinking about comparing her to his wife. Chances are if she's trolling for married guys he won't like what he sees.

 

[pyrxtc]

tell him to ask himself that if this were a guy, would he still be feeling the same way ? Just because a semi-attractive girl who has no respect for marriage, why is this different. Girls and guys can be friends but obviously this girl wants more than that.

tell him to take his wife out on a date, someplace nice where she can dress up and they can talk. it will bring back all of the stuff they have in common and why they have been together this long.

Also, put this thought into his head.... If he breaks up his marriage over this girl and devotes his life to her, how does he know that she would be faithful to him ? She obviously doesn't care abut him being married. What would stop her from finding someone else while they were together ?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Tell your friend he is being a complete butt. Of course they have so much in common and she is just so much fun! Yeah- neither one has seen the other stink up the bathroom, have a miserable cold or virus, not get a chance to shower because they were up all night with the kids etc. Neither one has to currently deal with fighting with an ex over visitation- (because that will happen if he gets divorced!) dealing with in laws, child support, alimony, step kid issues etc. Shall I go on? Of course she is a gem because she has no responsibility when it comes to your friend's life. He however will always have all that and more. She might not find it so cute and to be honest he might not find the day to day very with new girl all that cute either. What if she doesn't get along with his daughters? I would tell my friend that he is a moron for even considering throwing everything away for a piece of tail.