need help giving advice...long post!

[worm761]

i have two co-workers/friends that are very close to each other. C comes to me to talk about some things that she is uncomfortable talking to J about. J gets very jealous. J thinks that i am trying to come between her and C. i am not. we are freinds, hang out outside of work, just generally have fun together. C is going to be 19 next month, I am 27, and J is 34. we are an odd mix. C is mature for her age, had a rough life and grew up too fast. we are all on the same "level" at work and this is how i know them. there are some unhealthy aspects to C and J's friendship. C is constantly giving money to J. J is married, both of them work and make good money, and has 3 kids. C is getting tired of giving money to J but doesnt know how to stop. she is showing her age by wanting to move away to get out of the situation. oh and J's husband has been hitting on C. this i know is true because i have witnessed it. C turns him down but is uncomfortable. she wont tell J because it will ruin their friendship. i told C to not go around when the husband is there. what i really need help with is the jealousy and money issues. C is going to go to disney world with me, sister, and our kids. J is very upset that C is going with me. here is an example of the money thing...ok more than one. at christmas time C paid for most of J's childrens christmas presents. J didn't have enough money but had money to go to tampa for a week. J owes C over a thousand dollars in "borrowed" money. i told C to just write it off as a lesson learned. J expects C to be at her beck and call and gets upset when she isnt. is actually jealous if C has ANY friends! not just me. last week J borrowed money from C to buy a new bra (victoria's secret). she borrowed $100, got the bra, tanning booth, nails done and a new shirt. but then had the money to go to mardi gras in new orleans the following weekend! spent over $300 dollars. C went too and is upset about this. C is finally starting to get the message that J is using her. i am not the only one that says this. C came to me last night looking for advice. i need help on this one. i think that when C stops giving J money, J is not going to be so close to C and will find someone else to do it. just my opinion though. i like both of them and really dont want to be in the middle but C is just so young and doesnt know what to do. i am trying to help her. any advice you can give would help. thanks if you are with me so far!

 

[CEDmom]

Are these people for real?!! I'd tell C that she's just enabling J to use her by continuing to give her $. If she wants it to stop she needs to confront J and demand her $ back. Either way you should request that C and J leave you out of this mess.

One more thing, do you really need friends like either of these people? I know with a child I have precious time of my own and wouldn't want to waste it on them.

 

[Ellester]

I totally agree with CEDmom. Tell C a real friend isn't constantly expecting to be paid and then step away. It sounds like it could be ugly.

 

[worm761]

i know that the post makes them both sound like bad people but they aren't. generally i stay out of it. if C wants to give her money to J then it is her problem. but C actually asked for advice. i am at a loss. i thought maybe you guys could help. C has control of her life with the exception of this one relationship. J has all the control.

these are people i work with. we are like a family at work. i dont have time for alot other than work. i am a single parent.

and i did tell C that she is just enabling J. C wants to stop giving so much money but doesnt know how. i told her to practice saying no! LOL J gets really upset and then C feels bad. i think that J guilts C into alot of things. but again, that is just my opinion. like i said, C is getting tired of all this and wants to stop. she just doesnt know how. i tried to show her how a friendship works. for example us. she is going to disney with me. but she is paying her own way (with the exepction of the room because i already had two) and i am paying for my portion. i haven't asked her to pay for anything but her expenses. and when we go out to dinner, i pay one time and she pays the next if we go someplace like denny's. anything more expensive than that and we split the bill. i have pointed these things out to her. i try not to be too harsh but i tend to be blunt about things.

 

[battricia]

Wow that was kindof mean?~! This girl is worm's friend, would you be a little angry if someone said to you 'wow your friend has a problem why waste your time w/ her when you have better things to do?'... that seems like a horrible thing to say. Also it doesn't sound to me as if "C" has done anything wrong, except maybe being a doormat for "J" to walk all over. If "c" has already accepted that she's not going to get the money back, just tell her to not give her anymore money. If she asks how to explain it, just tell her to tell "J" that she's saving up for something big, like a new car or a new apartment or a first house, and can't let go of the money right now. If "J" gets angry It will only show her true colors, and that she doesn't really want to be "C"s friend, she's just using her for the money, and hopefully she will get the hint. If she is understanding, then even better, everyone can still be friends and life can go on! I hope this helps you out.

tricia.

 

[Lucky4me]

C needs to tell J buh bye! After you advise her of this back away and stay out of it if you can. Watch out, J may have you in mind for her next fatal attraction. She sounds unstable and weird. I'd be running in the opposite direction of wherever she is.

 

[tiggersmom2]

You can only be taken advantage of, if you allow someone to take advantage of you. C will not stop this behavior until SHE decides it is time to stop.

 

[worm761]

i agree with you guys. C has been a doormat! and she is getting tired of it. i keep telling C to go out and get some friends her age. she is young and needs to do what young people do. C feels bad for J because J's husband is stationed out of state so J is on her own most of the time. i told her that is J's decision to not live where her husband is stationed. and her decision to have 3 kids. i am at home most days too. i have a child. that is life when you have kids. you dont get to go out and hang out alot.

i dont get involved because i work with both of them. C asked me for advice. C is trying to save up for something. she is going to disney world with me for 10 days. we all know how expensive that will be. C doesnt really have any bills. her car payment and car ins and cell phone bill. C still lives at home with her mom. so she has alot of disposable income.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If C stops giving her money to J, she might dump her. Tensions will rise and things will be said. Won't be pretty.

Bottom line C knows how to stop giving money, I think she wants you to side with her when she drops the bomb.