Need Funny Quotes Please

[newtodis]

I am looking for funny and inspirational quotes to share with some friends going through rough times. Anything you'd care to share that's put a smile on your face or helped you get through a rough time would certainly be appreciated.

Here are a couple of examples:

This one was borrowed from the DIS boards:
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
You're sitting at the breakfast table.....
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug ~ Mark Twain

Pretty much open to anything. I'm trying to get a quote a day for the next few months if possible.

THANKS!!!

 

[Boo'sMom]

Some days your the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue.


not really inspirational....but true.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Similarly...

The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawn mower.

 

[monkey68]

"Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing gets solved, and you just end up walking funny."

Don't remember who said it, but it's o so true.

 

[Dismom+two]

There is a skinny girl inside me screaming to get out but I can usually shut her up with a cookie!

 

[C.Ann]

Life is uncertain.. Eat dessert first..

Celery is a member of the plywood family..

Betty Crocker uses a mix..

"One size fits all" doesn't fit anyone..

The only problem with bucket seats is that everyone doesn't have the same size "bucket"..

Live long enough to become a problem to your childen..

The only thing raised on this land is taxes..

Definition of "vacation": Thousands of dollars spent to see what rain looks like in a different part of the country..

My mother is a travel agent.. Her specialty is "guilt trips"..

All of our guests bring us happiness.. Some by coming, others by going..

We're living happily ever after...on a day-to-day basis..

 

[RF536]

"By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out".
Richard Dawkins

"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong."
--Dandemis

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'WOW What a Ride!'"
--Unknown

 

[raysnkaysmom]

A wise man once said "I don't know, ask a girl"

Don't plan too far ahead... it makes God laugh

Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

I tried being good, but I got bored.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before..

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Mark Twain - A man who carries a cat by the tail will learn something he can learn in no other way.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I love the magnets, both humorous and inspirational, on www.AllPosters.com . (See siggie.)

I love this one...

and this one:

 

[Diva of Dragons]

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!!

I also like this poem:

Not quite Footprints in the Sand​

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
“But Lord they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
and there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life, there comes a time,
when one must fight, and one must climb.
When one must rise and take a stand,
or leave their butt prints in the sand.”​

 

[coolbeans]

Definition of "vacation": Thousands of dollars spent to see what rain looks like in a different part of the country..

I am using this in our scrapbook from Disney last year!! Truer words were never written.

 

[SereneOne]

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good
egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked."
~ Bernard Meltzer


I resemble that remark!

 

[lovesmurfs]

"All the water in the world won't sink a ship....unless it gets on the inside."

"God promises the fire will never consume us, but he never says how high the thermostat can go."

"Some people are like Slinkies....they serve no useful purpose, but they sure are fun to push down the stairs." I have a Slinky on my desk to remind me of this....my assistant knows when I'm talking to a particularly difficult person when she hears the sound of the metal swishing back and forth.

"When you've reached the bottom of the hole, stop digging."

.....I also like my own quotes in my signature.

 

[lovesmurfs]

25 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis - Author Unkown

1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10- Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11- Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14- I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15- Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16- All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18- One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21- The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23- This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24- Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25- The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

 

[newtodis]

Thank you all so much! You've certainly put a smile on my face this morning. I also got one I thought I would share with you:

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of
True Friendship.
You WON'T see
cutesy little smiley faces
on this card-
Just the stone cold truth
of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad,
I will jump on the person
who made you sad
like a spider monkey
jacked up on Starbucks!!!


2. When you are blue,
I will try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.


3. When you smile,
I will know you are
plotting something naughty
that I must be involved in.


4. When you're scared,
we will high tail it out of here.


5. When you are worried,
I will tell you horrible stories about how much
w orse it could be until you
quit whining, ya big baby!!!!


6. When you are confused,
I will use little words.


7. When you are sick,
Stay away from me
until you are well again.
I don't want whatever you have.


8. When you fall,
I'll pick you up
and dust you off--
After I laugh my butt off!!


This is my oath...
I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask;
-- because you are my FRIEND!

 

[horseshowmom]

After observing a less than stellar human performance on the part of someone's "friends" several years ago, I saw a sign in a tack store that I've never forgotten:

Only buzzards feed on their friends.

 

[newtodis]

Hey guys....just a shameless bump to see if I can get any more quotes.

 

[doxdogy]

Even a fish wouldn't get in trouble if he kept his mouth shut.
Make sure brain is in gear, before engaging mouth.

 

[my3sonsagn]

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are." - Shel Silverstein

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer." - Albert Camus

There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half-full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half-empty. The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: "What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!" - Terry Pratchett

Every plant knows this: It’s only when you get crap thrown on you that you really start to grow. - Scott Sorrell