need advice

[smj2610]

I need advice on how to handle things, my mother unexpectedly passed away on Monday May 23rd, we had some major family events coming up and I am not sure how to handle them, the first being my middle daughters 14th birthday is June 5th, my family always gets together for my children's birthday as I am the only one of my mom's children who had kids(this is out of 3 girls), I know it will be too raw for us to get together as my step dad is going thru chemo treatments and one of my sisters has severe mental health issues and is handling my mom's death extremely badly...I don't want to slight my daughter so how do I handle this?, my oldest daughter is due to have a baby on July 15th, she is getting married at the court house on June 10th, we were to have her reception on June 11th, but upon her request we are delaying that and having a combination welcome for the baby and reception after she delivers, her birthday is also the 4th of July and she was wanting to know what to do with her birthday...Any advice would be greatly appreciated, my mom was the heart of our family so we want to keep her traditions but with is being so sudden we are not sure how to handle.

 

[LIDisneyFan]

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss.

As far as the birthday's go, your best bet *may* be to start some new tradition (even if it is only for this year). Find something your DD would want to do and try to handle it that way-I understand June 5th is very close.

As far as your older DD, I would go ahead as planned - including whatever you want to do for her birthday on July 4th. Have the reception for the baby and wedding as planned-celebrating new life is sometimes the best way to handle grief.

My Mom passed away right before Thanksgiving, which was always at her house. We ended up with my brother's family coming to our house that year-and started a new tradiiton

Best of luck-don't sweat the small stuff - it wil work out. Take care of yourself and your family - you sound like a really caring Mom, so go with your gut. You'll do fine.

 

[VAN]

While it's nice to have traditions, life happens. Your gut is telling you that this year you might need to do something different ... follow that instinct.

Speak to the 14 year old and ask if she would mind doing something other than a party for her birthday celebration this year ... like a day with a couple close friends (or immediate family) at a local amusement park or beach?

Let the other relatives know that, with everything that is going on, you won't be holding the regular party this year. Maybe tell them what you are doing instead and that they are welcome to join you if they wish, but shouldn't feel obligated. That you are just doing something a little more low-key and less stressful to mark the occasion.

Follow your instinct. Speak with your 14 year old about alternative ways to celebrate her birthday this year. Who knows, you may stumble on a "better" tradition that takes the pressure off everyone to attend so many "mandatory" family functions. As people get older, they have other interests and/or activities of their own ... sometimes, its a relief to cut back on so many mandatory things.

My condolences to you and your family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I need advice on how to handle things, my mother unexpectedly passed away on Monday May 23rd, we had some major family events coming up and I am not sure how to handle them, the first being my middle daughters 14th birthday is June 5th, my family always gets together for my children's birthday as I am the only one of my mom's children who had kids(this is out of 3 girls), I know it will be too raw for us to get together as my step dad is going thru chemo treatments and one of my sisters has severe mental health issues and is handling my mom's death extremely badly...I don't want to slight my daughter so how do I handle this?, my oldest daughter is due to have a baby on July 15th, she is getting married at the court house on June 10th, we were to have her reception on June 11th, but upon her request we are delaying that and having a combination welcome for the baby and reception after she delivers, her birthday is also the 4th of July and she was wanting to know what to do with her birthday...Any advice would be greatly appreciated, my mom was the heart of our family so we want to keep her traditions but with is being so sudden we are not sure how to handle.

You skip the family party for your dd this yr. You down with her and explain the situation.

Now with my dd's I don't "do" family parties anymore. I stop those when they go to grade school.

Have her pick her favorite restaurant and go out to eat. That is what we do for birthdays.

Sorry for your loss...

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP, You lost your mom! That is a big thing! You are so busy thinking of others and they need to be thinking of you at a time like this!!!

I would have a talk with both DD's that you will not be up to big birthday celebrations this year. They are old enough to understand.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

TC

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

My condolences for your unexpected loss, OP.

the first being my middle daughters 14th birthday is June 5th, my family always gets together for my children's birthday as I am the only one of my mom's children who had kids(this is out of 3 girls),

Skip the "party" and have a quiet, immediate family dinner. You could extend the invitation to family members if you think they would be upset about not being invited, but keep it very low-key.

I know it will be too raw for us to get together as my step dad is going thru chemo treatments and one of my sisters has severe mental health issues and is handling my mom's death extremely badly...

Sorry to hear that. Be strong for your family, but know that it is perfectly acceptable to be sad at this time. Don't keep things bottled up.

my oldest daughter is due to have a baby on July 15th, she is getting married at the court house on June 10th, we were to have her reception on June 11th, but upon her request we are delaying that and having a combination welcome for the baby and reception after she delivers, her birthday is also the 4th of July and she was wanting to know what to do with her birthday...

Again, nice, low-key birthday dinner. She's got enough chaotic events going on. Toss that in with sleep deprivation and you'll have one grumpy kiddo. She is old enough to decide what to do for her birthday. Go with how she feels. It's going to be hot, and humid - and who's to say baby might not try to make an early entrance.

As for the combo welcome baby/wedding reception... pick one or the other. I would not combine the two events.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, my mom was the heart of our family so we want to keep her traditions but with is being so sudden we are not sure how to handle.

Honor your mom by continuing the family traditions in the future. But for now, keep things low key and relaxed, and maybe find a new way to honor her memory.

With everything being so fresh, take things one day at a time.

 

[Abbie]

I'm so sorry, that must be terrible, especially unexpectedly.

You will always feel that "hole" but will just need to find new ways to make it less noticeable. For this year, be kind to yourself and don't put too many expectations on yourself. I agree with PP, downgrade the party and just do something with your daughter and a friend or two, maybe a movie, dinner, sleepover. Keep it simple and above all, make it easy on yourself.

It is a lot to be planning a wedding reception while also prepping for the baby's birth. That's a lot of emotion right there. Again, do what you feel you can reasonably do, dial it down, and go easy. I think waiting to celebrate the baby's arrival along with the reception sounds good. And her birthday sounded like it might have gotten lost in the shuffle anyway, so keep that low-key, again with maybe a dinner and quiet time at home together.

When my dad died, I felt like I was carrying around this huge boulder. The weight was enormous and I was exhausted at the end of every day just trying to carry it. After time passed, the boulder kept shrinking....and now after three years, it's just a small stone that is always in my pocket, but not weighing me down. This is why you really need to make sure you're not attempting to do too much just because it's always been done that way.

 

[NaLisa]

My condolences on your loss, OP. Do what feels right for you and your DDs and don't feel a need to stick with traditions. Most of all, take care of yourself and try to destress.

 

[HM]

{{{{HUGS}}}}
For your 14 yr old, I'd ask if she'd like to invite some friends to go to a movie and dinner somewhere. That's what we did for my DD's 14th. A very grown up type of evening for five girls.

I agree with some of the others, that it might be time to think about 'new traditions'. Things do change over time and we have to adapt. A death of a family member often precipitates this. Good luck!

 

[castmemberb4]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I completely understand your position right now.
We lost our mother suddenly and she was also the center
of the family. There are 5 of us and none of us live in our
home town any more so holiday's were when we all came home.

For this year I agree with all the advice to just do a family
Birthday for your daughter, and the reception after the birth
of your grandchild. It will be a happy time for all of you to get together
As for the July 4 Birthday want and see.
Don't try to make decisions for that now, just see how things are as it gets
closer.

It took a few years for us but eventually new traditions fell into place
Take 1 event at a time and just see what the general feel is at the time,
don't try to create new triditions they will come in time.

Good luck