Need Advice

[snarlingcoyote]

Okay, so a while back my SIL died. There was a pretty bad incident in this as when I got the call, I was at a meeting. Long story short, the "friends" I had ridden with to this meeting refused to leave because they thought it was more important that they attend a banquet, so I asked around to some other people to see if they were going home that evening. I was quite frosty to them that night, but perfectly polite.

Anywho, on Monday, some emails were exchanged. I at first tried to be the nice girl, got slammed for it and accused of telling everyone at the banquet that they were being horrible and not taking me home. I also got accused of acting"bizzare" and "annoying" that day, including "stomping" and "sighing". I'm afraid I sort of LOLLed at the "stomping" and "sighing". I sigh over everything, it's a verbal pause for me. And as for "stomping". . .erm, yeah. That's a skeletal thing. The women in my family walk like cart horses because we have a genetic mutation and our hips are just not made for walking lightly.

Anywho, I wrote them off. Let it go. I took a vow a while back not to talk badly about others, mostly because I got tired of listening to these two talk badly about others.

Well, I was corresponding with a mutal friend the other day, sending my regrets for an invitation. The friend mentioned that he hoped I wasn't being kept away by "crazy" stories although he was afraid I was. (I was diagnosed recently with Trigeminal Neuralgia. There good days, there are bad days and there drugs-arent-working bad days. I haven't shared this with any of these friends, only said I haven't been feeling well.)

Soooo. . .hmm. One of the two former friends is giving a presentation at our next meeting and is really promoting herself. She has one prestigous award under her belt, but also has a long history of job hopping in a field that isn't growing. (I'm avocational in this field.) She's also actually started attending our meetings, something she never did before.

This mutual friend who gave me the heads up doesn't talk badly about others either - he's a dedicated Christian and it's against his moral code - but another mutual friend is a big gossip.

Do I ask her what's being said about me or not? Do I defend myself at all? Arghhh. . .and how do I defend myself without talking badly about these two? It's okay here, you don't know them, wouldn't know them from Adam, and this is just advice asking, nothing that will hurt them, but to say all this to people who know them. . .

 

[Swan4Me]

I think it was very insensitive for someone not to take you home after getting that news-they sound like a bunch of jerks so- if I were you-I'd care less what they are saying about me

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Okay, so a while back my SIL died. There was a pretty bad incident in this as when I got the call, I was at a meeting. Long story short, the "friends" I had ridden with to this meeting refused to leave because they thought it was more important that they attend a banquet, so I asked around to some other people to see if they were going home that evening. I was quite frosty to them that night, but perfectly polite.

Anywho, on Monday, some emails were exchanged. I at first tried to be the nice girl, got slammed for it and accused of telling everyone at the banquet that they were being horrible and not taking me home. I also got accused of acting"bizzare" and "annoying" that day, including "stomping" and "sighing". I'm afraid I sort of LOLLed at the "stomping" and "sighing". I sigh over everything, it's a verbal pause for me. And as for "stomping". . .erm, yeah. That's a skeletal thing. The women in my family walk like cart horses because we have a genetic mutation and our hips are just not made for walking lightly.

Anywho, I wrote them off. Let it go. I took a vow a while back not to talk badly about others, mostly because I got tired of listening to these two talk badly about others.

Well, I was corresponding with a mutal friend the other day, sending my regrets for an invitation. The friend mentioned that he hoped I wasn't being kept away by "crazy" stories although he was afraid I was. (I was diagnosed recently with Trigeminal Neuralgia. There good days, there are bad days and there drugs-arent-working bad days. I haven't shared this with any of these friends, only said I haven't been feeling well.)

Soooo. . .hmm. One of the two former friends is giving a presentation at our next meeting and is really promoting herself. She has one prestigous award under her belt, but also has a long history of job hopping in a field that isn't growing. (I'm avocational in this field.) She's also actually started attending our meetings, something she never did before.

This mutual friend doesn't talk badly about others either - he's a dedicated Christian and it's against his moral code - but another mutual friend is a big gossip.

Do I ask her what's being said about me or not? Do I defend myself at all? Arghhh. . .and how do I defend myself without talking badly about these two? It's okay here, you don't know them, wouldn't know them from Adam, and this is just advice asking, nothing that will hurt them, but to say all this to people who know them. . .

"The monster you feed is the one that grows."

Considering what you have written I would let this one die with you.

 

[happygirl]

I would let it go

 

[Holly]

I wouldn't ask. I'd let it go.

The best way to defend yourself is by not saying anything and allowing people to form their own opinions about you based on your own behaviors and words and not those of others. If the woman is a big gossip then chances are that people know this and factor it into how they accept and process what she tells them.

I'm sorry. Keep your head held high.

 

[disneyred]

I am just surprised no one felt your side of the story when you told them you had to leave the meeting

 

[Carly_Roach]

Okay, so a while back my SIL died. There was a pretty bad incident in this as when I got the call, I was at a meeting. Long story short, the "friends" I had ridden with to this meeting refused to leave because they thought it was more important that they attend a banquet, so I asked around to some other people to see if they were going home that evening. I was quite frosty to them that night, but perfectly polite.

Anywho, on Monday, some emails were exchanged. I at first tried to be the nice girl, got slammed for it and accused of telling everyone at the banquet that they were being horrible and not taking me home. I also got accused of acting"bizzare" and "annoying" that day, including "stomping" and "sighing". I'm afraid I sort of LOLLed at the "stomping" and "sighing". I sigh over everything, it's a verbal pause for me. And as for "stomping". . .erm, yeah. That's a skeletal thing. The women in my family walk like cart horses because we have a genetic mutation and our hips are just not made for walking lightly.

Anywho, I wrote them off. Let it go. I took a vow a while back not to talk badly about others, mostly because I got tired of listening to these two talk badly about others.

Well, I was corresponding with a mutal friend the other day, sending my regrets for an invitation. The friend mentioned that he hoped I wasn't being kept away by "crazy" stories although he was afraid I was. (I was diagnosed recently with Trigeminal Neuralgia. There good days, there are bad days and there drugs-arent-working bad days. I haven't shared this with any of these friends, only said I haven't been feeling well.)

Soooo. . .hmm. One of the two former friends is giving a presentation at our next meeting and is really promoting herself. She has one prestigous award under her belt, but also has a long history of job hopping in a field that isn't growing. (I'm avocational in this field.) She's also actually started attending our meetings, something she never did before.

This mutual friend who gave me the heads up doesn't talk badly about others either - he's a dedicated Christian and it's against his moral code - but another mutual friend is a big gossip.

Do I ask her what's being said about me or not? Do I defend myself at all? Arghhh. . .and how do I defend myself without talking badly about these two? It's okay here, you don't know them, wouldn't know them from Adam, and this is just advice asking, nothing that will hurt them, but to say all this to people who know them. . .

Huh? Waaaaaaay too much drama here.

Be the bigger person. Stop talking about other people. Grow your own garden and forget what's in other people's gardens. Here's my stock reaction if someone ever brings up anything from the past about me:

<laugh> Is that what he's/she's saying happened? <Walk away laughing. Don't answer questions.>

 

[OceanAnnie]

The irony is the two that are telling the "bad" stories about you are actually telling bad stories about themselves! Their behavior was and continues to be deplorable. And they don't even see it. Let them talk. They have no control over how people interpret the information they give. They are only tarnishing themselves.

Cosmic justice.

 

[FredinFL]

Ignore them. If someone puts it right in your face, THEN react. Otherwise, pretend they don't exist.

 

[sunnyday123]

Although it would be very, very hard for me, I would do what everyone above suggested.

I cannot believe they would not take you home after receiving a call that your SIL died. I'm just in shock that anyone, let alone TWO people did that. One day soon, karma is going to bite back. People like that don't deserve to have one minute wasted on them.



If they lived nearby however, I might have to walk my dog by so she could do her business in their yard.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Thank ya'll. If it is ever brought up in my presence I like the idea of just saying, in stunned surprise "they're saying WHAT?", snorting, blinking and changing the subject to geneaology. (Most of us have that in common.)

Sunnyday123, I just . My GSD, if I could explain the situation to her and either of these two lived close by, would probably hold it all day and intentionally eat something noxious for me just to do that!

 

[NOLA_Tink]

It sounds like to already know what to do, but I wanted to pop in and say "Hi!" and offer support. My DMom was also recently diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia & it's definitely been a rollercoaster. Either she's in terrible pain or she's a cross-eyed (literally) zombie from the medication that her doctor has given her. I hope that your condition gets better & that your pain spells are few and far between.

 

[Bob NC]

I also got accused of acting"bizzare" and "annoying" that day, including "stomping" and "sighing". I'm afraid I sort of LOLLed at the "stomping" and "sighing". I sigh over everything, it's a verbal pause for me. And as for "stomping". . .erm, yeah. That's a skeletal thing.

That's precious.

"I wasn't stomping and sighing!! Well, actually I was, but, I can't help it."...LOL

 

[tlbwriter]

The irony is the two that are telling the "bad" stories about you are actually telling bad stories about themselves!

Exactly. Anyone who complains about you "stomping and sighing" the day your SIL died is simply "showing their ***," as my MIL would say, and it will reflect poorly on them, not you.

 

[Tink888]

I remember that post.....you did slam them pretty good here on the Dis.

I would let it go. People are going to say what they want and people will believe what they want regardless of what anyone says. Those who know you, know the truth. Defending yourself is just playing into and rehashing month's old drama. Be the bigger person and let it die off.

 

[mickeyboat]

I would let it go, that's good advice. It's hard to believe that these people couldn't find some compassion for you during that difficult period in your life.

But honestly I would excuse you for any behavior if I knew you had Trigeminal Neuralgia. I was wrongly diagnosed with it a couple of years ago and it was the most awful time in my life. Not only was the pain excruciating and never-ending, but the meds I tried made me so upset and paranoid - almost to the point of being suicidal.

No one understood what I was going through, except my dad who became very concerned when he googled Trigeminal Neuralgia and found out just how terrible it can be.

(Turns out I had a very bad sinus infection that was causing the facial pain. It took over 6 months, 2 MRIs, a neurologist and an ENT to diagnose what I told my PCP I thought I had on day 1.)

So I am sending giant hugs to you.

Denae

 

[disykat]

That's precious.

"I wasn't stomping and sighing!! Well, actually I was, but, I can't help it."...LOL

she didn't say she wasn't stomping and sighing - she said she was because she always does.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

It sounds like to already know what to do, but I wanted to pop in and say "Hi!" and offer support. My DMom was also recently diagnosed with Trigeminal Neuralgia & it's definitely been a rollercoaster. Either she's in terrible pain or she's a cross-eyed (literally) zombie from the medication that her doctor has given her. I hope that your condition gets better & that your pain spells are few and far between.

Thank you; give your DM lots and lots of love and sympathy! Also, I have learned the secret of hot, hot rice bags with wet towels for pain relief. If your DM hasn't, PM me. These are my salvation. . .I do go through a lot of rice this way, but luckily I'm a SW Louisiana girl. If we're down to a quarter pound of rice, it's time to get more rice!

 

[snarlingcoyote]

I would let it go, that's good advice. It's hard to believe that these people couldn't find some compassion for you during that difficult period in your life.

But honestly I would excuse you for any behavior if I knew you had Trigeminal Neuralgia. I was wrongly diagnosed with it a couple of years ago and it was the most awful time in my life. Not only was the pain excruciating and never-ending, but the meds I tried made me so upset and paranoid - almost to the point of being suicidal.

No one understood what I was going through, except my dad who became very concerned when he googled Trigeminal Neuralgia and found out just how terrible it can be.

(Turns out I had a very bad sinus infection that was causing the facial pain. It took over 6 months, 2 MRIs, a neurologist and an ENT to diagnose what I told my PCP I thought I had on day 1.)

So I am sending giant hugs to you.

Denae

Oh my! I think mine is triggered by dental work and sitting at my home computer poised to watch the outdoors and my monitor screen at the same time (neck craned at a 90 degree angle).

I hope you recovered and never have to go through that again!

 

[snarlingcoyote]

she didn't say she wasn't stomping and sighing - she said she was because she always does.

Pretty much. It's a family genetic thing. Sadly, I grew up in wooden framed house on piers. . .my poor momma (I'm adopted) and her china cabinets; she was on edge until I left for college.