Need advice/vent...So mad at DH/Update on page 10

[Buckalew11]

I haven't read through any of the replies but this is my take on this.

He didn't tell you because he knew you'd be furious and so he felt like he couldn't tell you without you blowing up and doing the "I told you so..." BS.

Sorry but your DH is a grown man and grown people make mistakes sometimes. You sound more like his mother than his wife to me and the fact that he hid the ticket and asked your mom for the $$ tells me that the poor guy didn't want to get scolded.

I think you all need to sit down and have a long talk. You aren't his mother, he shouldn't feel like he can't tell you wne he screws up, he should drive better and obey the rules, and you should act more like equals in your marriage.

 

[Alicnwondrln]

update yet ?

 

[SoMad]

OP, don't leave us hangin'! What happened?

Sorry! I did not mean to leave any one hanging

DH came home. I had the ticket on the counter. He stayed in the kitchen for a long time. I don't know what he was thinking about He finally comes into the living room and sat down.

We had a heart to heart talk. He said he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset because we did not have any extra money for a ticket and that he knew he mess up (HIS words) That is why he asked my mother to borrow the money. We have borrowed from her before when things got really tight with our heating bill, etc. He said he is doing thinngs around her house to "work it off"
I still am having a slight problem with that. I would rather give her the $120 and US somehow manange without the $120 this month.

I did tell him I would have been upset about the ticket when he first told me BUT I am even now more HURT because he didn't tell me. I told him that I would have been mad, but I would have gotten over it. (Have in the past, no I did not say that to him)

I told him it hurts me that he felt he had to hide it from me.
He said he was sorry, over and over again. He just wanted to spare me the worry about paying a parking ticket.
Whether or not that is the real reason he hid it from me, I will never know. But I do know he was very truly sorry

I could tell he was embarrassed but relieved I found out. I could tell something has been bothering him lately but I thought it was stress at work.
Now I think it was eating him up that he was keeping this from me.

So that is the end of it.
Thank you for those that understand and gave me support.
For those that think I have a rotten marriage and we have some deep problems, I will gladly accept any money to pay for counseling. Of course we may not use the money for counseling but you can still send it our way

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Good news! Now can't you fess up who you really are??? Or send me a PM?

Geez, what are we going to discuss tomorrow?

 

[wilderness01]

Glad it worked out for you.

 

[SoMad]

Good news! Now can't you fess up who you really are??? Or send me a PM?

Geez, what are we going to discuss tomorrow?

That is really killing you, isn't it? I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you?

I am sure someone on this board will have a problem the lovely DIS people will love to analyze.

 

[ckret01]

I'm glad things worked out for you and you both talked. Maybe it was better to get everything out on here rather than venting to him first.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

That is really killing you, isn't it? I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you?

Yes, I hate not being able to figure things out. And I'm really bad at figuring things out. Bad combination! Should I be able to figure it out?

 

[Disney Doll]

First of all I want to clear some things up.
Money: we have ONE account. It is a checking account. We BOTH know how much is in it and what goes in and what comes out. I am the one who writes out the bills every month. We are what I would call working poor. We are struggling to keep ourselves out of debt that is another reason why we are BOTH tight with money. As far as gifts, for Valentine's day we each got $20 in cash to spend on each other. That was it.
Yes I would have noticed $120 missing from our account. Everything in our account is budget and accounted for.

Harping: I try my best not to do it but when someone does something again and again and you just know they are going to get busted for it. What am I suppose to do? I just said we do NOT have the extra money to dish out for traffic tickets so YES I remind him to obey all traffic laws because we don't have the money to pay for the ticket. If that sounds mother-like to you, well, I am sorry.
Plus like someone else mention, now our insurance may go up. More money down the tubes because he didn't obey the traffic laws.

I understand mistakes happen but this is his 3rd ticket in 5 years. The first two were from speeding and finally he has been really good about not speeding.

The last ticket he promise me he would be more careful with his driving. I am sure that is part of the reason he hid it from me.

But again, I would ask...what good is harping and nagging going to do? It hasn't worked yet, has it????

I agree that I would be angry at my husband for severeal things:
1. Getting the ticket in the first place, if it has been an issue in the past, which it sounds like it has been in oyur household
2. Not telling me about it
3. Involving my mother

But you have harped and nagged for 5 yaers and he continues to get tickets, so obviously it's time to change the dynamic.

 

[SoMad]

Yes, I hate not being able to figure things out. And I'm really bad at figuring things out. Bad combination! Should I be able to figure it out?

No, I don't think you should be able to figure it out. I am pretty low in the radar with my normal user name. I don't enter "hot" topics. I stay on the "feel good/Have a nice day" topics.

I have family on these boards so I make sure I don't say anything I don't want family members to know about.

 

[Disney Doll]

Of course, it's not. Sheesh. But, c'mon, let's break this down. She's out in the car with hubby, he rolls through a few stop signs. She says "hey, don't do that, you're going to get a ticket." He refuses to stop the behavior. He gets a ticket. They are out $120 bucks and possibly they will get a rate hike on their insurance if their state assesses points for this. She was right on about this one. I don't care how much harping she did, he is in the wrong on this and he owes her an apology.

OK, so she's right. That's good for her, that she can say she's right. Meanhwile she has a husband who will sneak behind her back to avoid telling her things.

There are obviously communication problems that go deeper than the ticket thing if he doesn't want to tell her about it. And harping and nagging aren't going to make those problems any better.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

No, I don't think you should be able to figure it out. I am pretty low in the radar with my normal user name. I don't enter "hot" topics. I stay on the "feel good/Have a nice day" topics.

I have family on these boards so I make sure I don't say anything I don't want family members to know about.

OK, I feel better now! If you were someone I personally "know" in an internet sense it would bug me more.

Seriously, I am glad that you and your DH have this out in the open. It must be a load off of his mind, and maybe yours.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow, so we've got the OP here as the bad guy.

Is is JUST possible that she might just do a "typical" amount of nagging and the DH is just immature, went behind her back, and had his little lie of omission?

I admit that I have considered that the OP could be an ABSOLUTE shrew here and has her DH scared to death. But it could also be likely that her husband is a fool.

As far as the managing of the money and discretionary income, I don't think this is so bad. For the first 5 years of my marriage, we were absolutely dirt poor and sometimes had to borrow money to pay the heating bill. At that time, there was very little money to manage. I wrote out all the bills (like the OP), but we each went over the account and knew where it stood. There was also no money for Valetine's Day, suprise gifts, etc. Don't know why this is so hard to imagine. Now that we have good jobs and money, we both spend how we want, with the exception of large purchases.

But I've not forgotten those days when we were so lean that my DH's "mistakes" were quite catastrophic and, financially, I was terrified of some of his more stupid behaviors.

No one has the OP as the bad guy or the good guy...there is no good or bad guy in a marriage...it's not a contest, it's amarriage, for God's sakes.

The point is that the husband doesn't feel like he can share things with his wife. I can't imagine what it is like to be married to someone you're "afraid" of. I have never felt like I couldn't tell my DH anything, or I had to sneak around about money or anything else for that matter.

The dynamic they have now isn't working, so it's time to change the dynamic.

 

[declansdad]

No one has the OP as the bad guy or the good guy...there is no good or bad guy in a marriage...it's not a contest, it's amarriage, for God's sakes.

The point is that the husband doesn't feel like he can share things with his wife. I can't imagine what it is like to be married to someone you're "afraid" of. I have never felt like I couldn't tell my DH anything, or I had to sneak around about money or anything else for that matter.

The dynamic they have now isn't working, so it's time to change the dynamic.

man let it go, its over and unless you have some other knowledge that wasn't posted here, stop jumping to conclusions about this couples marriage.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

So that is the end of it.
Thank you for those that understand and gave me support.
For those that think I have a rotten marriage and we have some deep problems, I will gladly accept any money to pay for counseling. Of course we may not use the money for counseling but you can still send it our way

Glad to hear that you two worked it out.

 

[RadioFanatic]

glad to hear how things turned out SoMad. and for the others, it would be one thing if he kept alot of things from her, but all we know is about this one thing and he felt awful for doing it - this also makes me think it's not a normal thing for him to keep things from her. why are you so determined to make out her marriage as the worse thing in the world?

you cannot tell me your spouse has not kept a single thing from you in your entire marriage - even if it was only for a day or so - that is just not realistic.

 

[Christine]

man let it go, its over and unless you have some other knowledge that wasn't posted here, stop jumping to conclusions about this couples marriage.

Agree. This thing was resolved and yet the marriage counseling continues.

 

[Disney Doll]

That is really killing you, isn't it? I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you?

I am sure someone on this board will have a problem the lovely DIS people will love to analyze.

So, you post your problem on a message board and then cop an attitude when people give you opinions you don't like?

Some advice from my mother:

If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

So, you post your problem on a message board and then cop an attitude when people give you opinions you don't like?

Some advice from my mother:

If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

Oh come, on! She was responding to my comment about what are we going to now talk about now that they worked it out. I think she did appreciate working through this and using us as a sounding board before her DH got home. She got to hear some opinions which probably helped her keep it in perspective.

 

[mark&sue]

so mad, glad that you are not so mad now.

Am pleased things have worked out for you.


Susan


P.S. Just glad my DH likes to drink or otherwise I would be drinking on my own!!!