Need advice regarding 6th grade DD (long)

[TxJasmine]

Hi! I’m having a problem with my 11 year old, 6th grade DD. I’m hoping someone has been through a similar problem, because right now I don’t really know how to handle this.

Some background information – DD has always been an outstanding student who scores in the 98th and 99th percentile in every area on the aptitude tests. She has never caused any problems in school, and has always been the perfect child and perfect student. She’s very good at math, but her real strength is writing. She has an incredible vocabulary and a true talent at writing. She’s never gotten a bad grade in writing until now. Her average is a D!

The reason for this is that she doesn’t turn in her work. After 3 days the grade becomes a zero. DD does have a writing teacher who is terrible and is hated by most of her students and their parents. DD claims that she never got the homework, and I believe it to be true in some of the cases. However, her last two zeroes were DD’s fault. At 9pm on Wednesday, DD comes to us and says that she needs to do an interview with someone who was a young adult during the civil rights movement, and that the assignment is due on Thursday! We had no idea about this, and she’d had the homework for weeks. She told us that she didn’t know what to do (so I guess doing nothing is the answer? ) Turns out the interview was due last week (so she got a zero for that part), but another part was due today. Our problem is that she just doesn’t seem to care about her grades. She doesn’t care that she’s about to fail her best subject! She’s also getting low grades in math on tests, even though she fully understands her homework. I think she’s sloppy. She tries to finish quickly and doesn’t go back and double check.

I just don’t understand what is going on. This formerly conscientious student doesn’t seem to care any more. She doesn’t want to take anything seriously. I don’t know what to do. She has an organizer, I ask her about homework every day, but it’s still not enough. We decided that for the next 6+ weeks she will not get to go to any friend’s house, party, etc, and she won’t be allowed to play any video games until her grades improve. That’s her punishment.

Do any of you have any ideas how to help her improve, or how to deal with this? I want my old child back!

 

[Liberty Belle]

Hi! I’m having a problem with my 11 year old, 6th grade DD. I’m hoping someone has been through a similar problem, because right now I don’t really know how to handle this.

Some background information – DD has always been an outstanding student who scores in the 98th and 99th percentile in every area on the aptitude tests. She has never caused any problems in school, and has always been the perfect child and perfect student. She’s very good at math, but her real strength is writing. She has an incredible vocabulary and a true talent at writing. She’s never gotten a bad grade in writing until now. Her average is a D!

The reason for this is that she doesn’t turn in her work. After 3 days the grade becomes a zero. DD does have a writing teacher who is terrible and is hated by most of her students and their parents. DD claims that she never got the homework, and I believe it to be true in some of the cases. However, her last two zeroes were DD’s fault. At 9pm on Wednesday, DD comes to us and says that she needs to do an interview with someone who was a young adult during the civil rights movement, and that the assignment is due on Thursday! We had no idea about this, and she’d had the homework for weeks. She told us that she didn’t know what to do (so I guess doing nothing is the answer? ) Turns out the interview was due last week (so she got a zero for that part), but another part was due today. Our problem is that she just doesn’t seem to care about her grades. She doesn’t care that she’s about to fail her best subject! She’s also getting low grades in math on tests, even though she fully understands her homework. I think she’s sloppy. She tries to finish quickly and doesn’t go back and double check.

I just don’t understand what is going on. This formerly conscientious student doesn’t seem to care any more. She doesn’t want to take anything seriously. I don’t know what to do. She has an organizer, I ask her about homework every day, but it’s still not enough. We decided that for the next 6+ weeks she will not get to go to any friend’s house, party, etc, and she won’t be allowed to play any video games until her grades improve. That’s her punishment.

Do any of you have any ideas how to help her improve, or how to deal with this? I want my old child back!

First, I'd like to recommend "Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy!" by Dr. Michael Bradley.

How is your daughter's social life? Have things changed there? Have there been any other changes? I'd be a bit concerned about a sudden change like this. Do you think she is depressed? Is she keeping her appearance about the same as before?

We've gone through this with our son, but he's always been like this for the most part. This year he's decided to do better in school and is now doing great. I don't think it was anything we did, but I think he found it in himself.

I think the most important thing right now is to support and love your daughter and, of course, dole out any consequences that are necessary.

 

[Kae]

Sounds like what my sister is going thru with my niece. At this age the social stuff does start coming into play.

And like my niece the main thing is that the homework is not being turned in. She says the same things your DD says she claims she never got the homework or the teacher never told them when or if it was do. Nobody likes said teacher.

my sister talked to the teacher & my niece has to come home every night with the homework assignments signed by the teacher & my sister signs it & she takes it back the next day. My niece & sister then put it on a Calender so everyone know when it was assigned & due. My niece has the same teacher for all subjects.

This has been working out well for everyone And my sister is hoping that this is something my niece will do for each subject when she enters Jr High.

Kae

 

[BelleMA87]

Hi!

I was your daughter about 5 years ago. I always did really well in school, and was one of the "smart kids". However, I never actually had to spend too much time on homework, and rarely had to study. During my sophomore year of hs, I suddenly was faced with classes that were much harder then what I was used to. In my mind anything less then an A was failure. Following that thought process, I stopped turning in assignments that I thought I wouldn't do well on. It was easier for me to not turn something in, then turn it in and see a C or worse.

After one report card of HORRIBLE grades, my parents got involved. I got a weekly progress report from all my teachers listing any missing assignments. My parents would have to sign it to be returned to my guidance counselor.

My parents also spent a lot of time reasuring me that even if I didn't get the A, as long as I tried my hardest I wasnt a failure. It took some time to break the old habits, but eventually I started doing well again. I'm a sophomore in college now, and I'm doing just fine.

What helped me the most was my parents' support. They didn't make me feel any worse then I was already feeling, and instead helped me through what was a very difficult time. I would suggest trying to set up a weekly progress report and talking to your daughters teachers. Definatly try and figure out if there's anything going on either in school or socially that could be causing anxiety or depression. Let your DD know that you're on her side, and you want to work with her to get her grades back to where they used to be. At least she's going through this now, and not when it will affect college acceptances!

Good luck to you and your daughter!

 

[java]

First of all I want to say that part of this is age.. 90% of mom's of children this age will tell you they get the same"forgetful speech" from their child's teacher. So you are not alone. First thing I would do is contact the teacher and try to get their help in this. Until dd gets her act together she has to write down all assignments in her agenda and get the teacher to sign it. Then at night you have to sign it. Until she starts taking responsibility you have to be on top of her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do any of you have any ideas how to help her improve, or how to deal with this? I want my old child back!

When did she start with the failing?
What punishments have you done so far and what affect have they had?
It is pretty late in the school year to "just start" with discipline. I am assuming you have been giving her other punishments and they have failed, correct?

Failing across the board is can be due to depression, drugs, active social life, anxiety to perform, etc....

"Not caring" would require an health exam, physical and mental. Could be something going on....
That is always the first place you start....with her doctor. Then move on from there.

Need to find the root cause....If you suspect drug use, drag her into the clinic and surprise, you are getting a drug test.

If you find nothing "organic", like drugs, depression, thyroid, etc...
Then time to institute "a plan of action".

Conferences with teachers, locker checks, pick her up school, sit down go thru her backpack daily...you know, annoying stuff like that.
Require grades for having a "life"...

Oh...I am up to the "grades for life" part (dd in 10th).
It is certainly something you should take seriously. Helping your dd get a handle on her life is serious business.

 

[TxJasmine]

Thank you all for your input. I like the idea of having her write everything down and having the teacher sign it. I just hope the teacher is willing to go along with it. So far she hasn't shown much willingness to work with us.

I had a long talk with DD and she told me that she did speak with one of her other teachers about it. At least that means that maybe she is taking it seriously. She is willing to keep track of everything and take the punishment. We'll see how that works out.

I know she's not involved with drugs and I know who her friends are. She's actually a very young and immature child who is proud of being a nerd. I think maybe she's overwhelmed with the responsibility and accountability of
6th grade.

Thanks again!

 

[nuttylawprofessor]

Long post, feel free to scroll on.

I was like your daughter, ummmmm, a while ago.

I wasn't on drugs. I wasn't depressed. I was an 8th grader trying to show I was grown up by exerting control in one of the only ways that I could, I chose not to do my homework. I was also feeling awkward and started to perform the way I felt. I was just having young teen girl issues. I cared about three classes: music, Spanish, and science. I thought that everything else was a waste of my time.

How did my parents react? They told me that I had to be responsible for my own actions. They also showed me the real consequences of not doing my work: being disqualified from extra curriculars, having to repeat courses, going to summer school. I started to get myself back on track at the end of 8th grade.

What made me get my act together? It drove me nuts that some people thought two girls in my class were smarter than me. It totally peeved me off. I decided to show them all that *I* was the really smart one.

Be watchful and involved. Let your daughter know that you love her no matter what, as long as she does her best. Ultimately, she has to be responsible.

Finally, your daughter needs to know that no matter how disagreeable the teacher may be, she still has to comply with the rules of the class -- including doing assignments. Don't give her a pass just because you don't like the teacher. That's a very bad message to send. We all will eventually work for someone that we really don't like, but that's the boss and you have to do your job.

Here is the good news. Even with a dicey period in the early teens and preteens, your daughter can go on to great success. She may even become a professor.

 

[MAKmom]

I have a DD 12 in 6th grade. My guess is she is Boy Crazy & her peeps are the only thing she cares about.

 

[krcit]

I'm glad that your dd is talking to you about things. My dd is also in 6th grade and sounds very similar to your dd-very bright, very responsible. She had a very hard time adjusting to the demands of 6th grade. Suddenly, she was forgetting homework when she had never done that before. Fortunately, she has really improved since then-she got the message pretty quick after the first note from her teacher and the resulting punishment It's such a hard age for kids, isn't it? Not quite 'kids' but not teens either.

 

["Got Disney"]

Congratulations!!! you have a Tween....she is doing what typical 6th graders do and her brain is rewiring so expect her to be doing that...that is normal and dont take it personally...

As mentioned by another OP the book....YES YOUR TEEN IS CRAZY! LOVING YOUR CHILD WITHOUT LOOSING YOUR MIND...BY MICHAEL BRADLEY IS A WONDERFULL BOOK... as I have mentioned all over this board about this book that it is my second Bible...

what I do is e-mail my sons Teachers everyweek to see whats up...they dont mind and I get valuble information....

When I ask my son what he has to do in ways of studying for tests or homework he says "

I don't know"

...and he is in the "Gifted and Talented Education" group...DUH....

So help her stay on top of it and sont think just because she is in 6th grade,7th , 8th and on that she should be doing it herself...if there was ever a time to check back in it is know!!!!

Good luck...and go get that book

 

[MAKmom]

This is MAKmom's DD 12 and my Mom told me to read this thread because i am in the same grade, same age almost, and it is almost freaky to me how much i am alike with your daughter! My strength in school is writing, my English teacher has told me many times i "have a true talent".

I can also relate to your daughters teacher not liking her. My fourth grade teacher hated me! And i almost never handed in a single assignment! But punishments didnt work! Dont punish her. Rewards helped though! I remember everyday handed in all my assignments i got a sticker on a chart, and when i got a certain amount of stickers i got a prize of my choice, my prize that i chose was going to a lower grade classroom and helping out. Adults dont seem to realize that punishing doesnt work most of the time. Rewarding systems are what i and my friends work well with.

So, i think you should start off with gaining back what you took away in the first place, instead of gaining it all for no reason, and then add extra rewards once she has gotten all of those back. Maybe having a party of her own she would like! I know i would love that and would work really hard for it!



So i hope i helped! DD12 Katie

 

[Feralpeg]

Thank you all for your input. I like the idea of having her write everything down and having the teacher sign it. I just hope the teacher is willing to go along with it. So far she hasn't shown much willingness to work with us.

I had a long talk with DD and she told me that she did speak with one of her other teachers about it. At least that means that maybe she is taking it seriously. She is willing to keep track of everything and take the punishment. We'll see how that works out.

I know she's not involved with drugs and I know who her friends are. She's actually a very young and immature child who is proud of being a nerd. I think maybe she's overwhelmed with the responsibility and accountability of
6th grade.

Thanks again!

This is more common than you might think. Everyday, I sign about two dozen planners. Each week, teachers at my school discuss students we feel are having problems. If the teachers see a student that has stopped turning in homework, we contact the parents. We set up a meeting between the student, parents and all the student's teachers. We discuss the problem with the student and parents. From that point on, every one of the student's teachers signs their planner each day. At the end of the day, the student stops by the office for an additional signature from the principal (we are a small school). In many cases, this has really helped. Unfortunately, there are some students where it has not made a difference. In such case, outside help is suggested.

 

[Kath2003]

I did this in 6th grade. I didn't do my homework and then told my parents that I wasn't aware it had been set. I told them the teacher was poor and that no one else liked him either, and that other people got bad marks.

Now I know that my parents didn't like that teacher either (he WAS a bad teacher!) but they really screwed me over. They took his side. They told me there was no way that EVERYONE would have forgotten the homework and that I needed to pay more attention in class. Then they made me sit and do my homework in the same room as them every day after school. They checked my homework diary directly after school and if there was nothing written in there, they asked the teacher what the deal was.

Yeah I turned it around in about a week. I realized that my parents weren't going to side with a kid over an adult and that I needed to show adults some respect.

 

[daisyduck123]

Hi! I have a DD12 in 8th grade, so they're pretty similar.

I know if my DD were to start having trouble like that, besides punishment, I'd also offer an incentive.
I'd probably say something like, "Raise those grades & I'll take you and a friend to ________________".

I'm not the type that rewards for good grades (the grandparents do that) but I'd do almost anything to get her to try again.

 

[MrsPete]

I'll echo what the others have said: the disorganization and social life coming before schoolwork are TYPICAL for this age. Of course, you can't just allow these habits to stand, but you're not looking at something unusual.

I'll throw in one more thing: My daughter and most of her friends had BAD 6th grade years. It seemed that they ALL were going through a "bad spell" emotionally, academically, etc. But now that they're in 7th grade, they seem to be "over it". My daughter is, again, a joy. So there's light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[figment52]

My initial thought is she discovered boys and someone told her boys don't like smart girls. talk to her, woman to woman - maybe its raging hormones.