Need Advice- RE: past relationships and being married

[Anony]

Ok, I need advice, although I think I know the answer.

Tonight I emailed a guy I used to date. I dated this guy for about 3 years when I was 18 and he was married, also about 10 years older than me.

We kinda just ended things ubruptly and I haven't heard from him since. I am 100% over him and very in love with my DH, but have a problem feeling like things were left unfinished. I want to tell him how my life has turned out and thank him for all the things he taught me. I also want to know if he has turned his marriage around.

Dh doesn't know though. I know it's wrong to not share with him that I emailed this guy,but I know he will get the wrong idea. Can anyone shed some light/advice on this situation?

 

[ash&abby'smom]

It kinda sounds like maybe things aren't quite as unfinished with yourself as you are trying to make yourself believe. I don't think you would be worring about these things otherwise. You are also betraying your husband by going behind his back and emailing this guy from your past. It dh was to find out, I think you will be sorry. If I was dh and I found out there would definately be some trust issues. JMO.

 

[Feralpeg]

Not a good move.

 

[Poohnatic]

Why bother? If you're happy, leave it in the past. If you're not, don't stir things up.

suzanne

 

[Anony]

I am happy. Very happy. I just want him to know that us splitting up was a great decision and I realized what a mistake we had made. I also want him to know how good i am doing as well as making sure he is doing good. I know it might not be the smartest thing, but I am truly not trying to start something, I am trying to finish it.

 

[Tjaleks]

Neither DH or I actually have any direct contact with people we use to date. However, there are occassions where we either run into them or (since DH and his ex have mutual friends) they are at the same place at the same time. We trust each other completely.

I guess what concerns me is the fact you didn't tell dh ahead of time what you were think of doing. It may be that you didn't tell him because you already knew what his reaction would be I am not judging you, but just think about this and what your next step should be. Keeping secrets in a marriage is a slipperly slope.

 

[luvmydogs]

I am going to be 100% honest with you, and this *in no way* should be taken as a slam, but there are plenty of things in life that are left unfinished. Some are things for which 'closure' is needed and appropriate--but this is not one of them. If nothing else, think of the things that *could* happen--is it really worth it to risk losing the trust of your dh--and perhaps in the worst of circumstances (and I know this sounds rash), losing your dh altogether? Do you have children? They would play a huge factor in this. If you are happy, then there's no reason to let him know that splitting up was a good decision--you should be happy knowing it, and that's really all that matters. If you care about your ex, why on earth would you risk interfering in his marriage, and possibly the relationship he has with his kids--if he has any?

Let things go unfinished here. At this point in your lives, there are more people involved in this than just the two of you. If you love your dh and respect the relationship you now have, please just let this go. I can see no good coming out of this.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I agree with everyone. Let the past be past. It's one thing if you run into someone and do a quick catchup. It's another to out of the blue initiate contact.

 

[nwdisgal]

If you personally have the need to feel closure but don't want to hurt anyone, write a note to put your feelings out on paper, then rip it up and don't send it.

 

[lilostitch]

I agree with the poster who said there are many things in life you won't have closure on. Sorry to be blunt, but my advice is to get over it. You are jeopardizing your relationship with your DH for "closure". It doesn't matter what you write in your e-mail to your ex, the fact that you made contact implies you are putting "feelers" out there to test the current status of your "relationship" with him. Very dangerous.

 

[Serena]

May I ask why you didn't ask for advice before sending the email?

 

[CharityLynn]

I'm in a similiar situation at the OP, my husband gave me permission a long time back to write the "old" boyfriend and I never did. But the old boyfriend has conbtacted a friend of mine and has expressed a need to talk to me, to apologize that sort of thing. I know the oldBF is trying to straighten his life out and I suppose needs to tell me some things that may bring some sort fo finality to what happened between us. Its been a long time since my husband gave me his OK and only now am I considering doing it. With the old BF there was cheating involving a family member of mine and I am curious if dealing with the oldBF will bring closure and make it easier for me to settle things with my cousin...

To the OP- I;m not sure what good contact will do for you but if you feel it is necessary then i say go for it but I agree with everyone when it comes to your husband, he should know.

 

[ItsonlyExperiment626]

I have a stinking feeling you are not as happy as you make yourself out to be. If it's closure you want then why have you waited till now, after your have married to do it?

 

[disykat]

I agree your husband should know. Even more problematic is that if he is still married you are betraying his wife again and putting him in the position of betraying his wife again by communicating with him. I think it is "mean" to put your need for closure above that.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Not a good move.

I totally agree!

 

[LaLa]

If you ran into him out of the blue, I would not see anything wrong with chatting for a minute or two, but to deliberately email him and make contact behind your DH's back is not a good idea. Put yourself in your DH's shoes and imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

You say he was married while you were with him...I can only assume he is still married to the woman he cheated on with you? Imagine her finding your email and questioning him over it. Even if it is totally innocent and well intentioned on your part, I doubt she would view it as that.

I say leave the past in the past. If you are truly happy with your DH, love him and respect him and let that be enough.

 

[Keli]

In my opinion you made an error in contacting him in the first place but now I would just hope that he doesn't respond to the email and let it go.

I guess I'm just very conservative in this area but no way would I want my dh contacting an old flame for closure or any other reason and I wouldn't contact mine either. I believe in letting sleeping dogs lie when you've moved on to another relationship.

 

[MICKEY88]

I am happy. I am trying to finish it.

the best way to finish it is to leave the past in the past

 

[poohandwendy]

Hate to say it, but this is one of those things where the words "It's not all about you" comes to mind. YOU want closure? What about what all of the other people involved want? Like your DH and this man and his wife/children(if he has one)?

IMO, the only reason you would send him correspondence is to engage in dialog with him again, or you would have done what a previous poster mentioned...wrote your feelings on paper and then let it go. When you send someone a letter, you are OPENING a door, not closing one. I think you know that.

IMO, you are opening a can of worms, I hope you are prepared for what that may mean.

 

[poohandwendy]

May I ask why you didn't ask for advice before sending the email?

Very good question