Need advice re friend/worker situation - long saga

[RadioFanatic]

I have a small group of friends (4 of us) who all met in school, in the same profession and have remained wonderful friends for 14 years, gone to each others' weddings, hosted showers for each other, kids growing up together, etc. We tell each other everything, all bad and good. They are my closest, except my bff from HS, who knows all of them well-so much so that the five of us go on an annual womens' weekend which is in october to relax and get away from it all. It is something I desperately need each year as it really is the only time I get down time from child/work/etc.

Anyway, one of these friends needed a job four years ago. I recommended her to my boss bc she truly was a hard worker and I believed in her abilities. She had just had a kid and her old boss was not family friendly in the slightest. I knew this boss and believe that as well. My employer is a small business which is family friendly. Anyway, things started off great, they loved her work. Well, I thought they loved her work anyway, but I'll get to that.

Over the years, I then had kid; and we would complain/vent to each other about how it is hard to be a mother in our profession - just normal venting I thought. The way our work goes is we have our own assignments which don't mingle; so I never would have seen her work to know any better as it's not my business. We both talked about trying to go part time, which is tough in our field; and even talked about interviews we had gone on to other jobs to find something easier.

The last week of August, she told me that she decided to quit to spend more time with her kids as they weren't getting the attention they deserved. I believed her bc we had talked about that before. I told her I was proud of her for making the decision; and she gave me the strength to ask for PT. She told me she gave notice for 9/8. She also told me not to tell anyone why she was leaving bc she didn't want to burn any bridges which I respected.

So a few days after she left, my boss called me in and wanted to talk to me about her. He wanted to explain why he had to let her go so he knew it wasn't something he had done lightly. He explained he had given her warnings since at before January, with no progress. He asked her to start looking for a job in March/april so she could transition without being fired. He finally had to give her a deadline of 9/1 bc she wasn't doing anything about it. It was obvious how sorry he was about it; but there was nothing he could do. There were major deadlines she missed which could get the business in big trouble, among other major problems with her work. He gave me her work to fix bc he knew I would still be in contact with her. I was REALLY shocked by this news and really had no idea all of this happened.

I believe him bc starting her work (which has really dropped a HUGE burden on me), I'm shocked with how awful it was. And not bc she couldn't do it, she just didn't. This isn't the person I know. I also remember little things she said like how our boss was going to keep her on his insurance until the end of september - I remember thinking how nice of him to do that since she's the one who decided to leave - but how silly am I?

And now, my other two friends are asking me what's going on, bc they also know this is unlike her to just quit her job; and they are worried. I've been avoiding their calls bc I either have to lie or confront my friend. I've talked to her since she's left; and no mention of the truth.

Although I'm upset that she didnt' tell me the truth and now I'm burdened with the work that is making me crazy busier than I already was, that's not my focus right now. Frankly, I'm worried about her. I'm not sure what to do - confront her, tell our friends, let it lie? And I know it's selfish, but we are less than two weeks away from our trip - I really need/want it; but am afraid that doing anything other than letting it lie will ruin it. But if you guys tell me to stop being a selfish jerk and still do something, I will really take it under consideration. usually I would ask my bff what to do, but I don't want to burden her with this info when she is also going to spend three days with her too. My dh says to tell our friends to see if we can tell her as she has had ample opportunity to tell me and hasn't, but I don't know. I'm sure she's embarassed, but I'm really worried at the cause of this problem.

Ok, I'm done - any thoughts?

 

[happily single]

My first thought is that she was embarassed to tell you that she was fired. Part of me wonders if she did all of the bad work in order to get fired, so she would be able to collect?

It stinks that the work falls back on you, but in my opinion this will make your requests at work more paltable to the boss, as he knows you are capable and a team-worker.

Finally, just carefully check into your friend, maybe she is going through something else (martial problems, debts, illness) that she isn't willing to come to terms with yet.

Good luck to both of you.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So all of you are going on vacation together? I certainly would not lie to my current friends.

I suppose I would just be blunt to them in private and then let the chips fall where they may.

 

[Disney Doll]

See bolded. I have read through the whole post.

I have a small group of friends (4 of us) who all met in school, in the same profession and have remained wonderful friends for 14 years, gone to each others' weddings, hosted showers for each other, kids growing up together, etc. We tell each other everything, all bad and good. They are my closest, except my bff from HS, who knows all of them well-so much so that the five of us go on an annual womens' weekend which is in october to relax and get away from it all. It is something I desperately need each year as it really is the only time I get down time from child/work/etc.

Anyway, one of these friends needed a job four years ago. I recommended her to my boss bc she truly was a hard worker and I believed in her abilities. She had just had a kid and her old boss was not family friendly in the slightest. Perhaps it wasn't that her old boss was not family friendly, but that she wasn't as good of a worker as you thought she was and she made up the story that her old boss wasn't family friendly. I knew this boss and believe that as well. My employer is a small business which is family friendly. Anyway, things started off great, they loved her work. Well, I thought they loved her work anyway, but I'll get to that.

Over the years, I then had kid; and we would complain/vent to each other about how it is hard to be a mother in our profession - just normal venting I thought. The way our work goes is we have our own assignments which don't mingle; so I never would have seen her work to know any better as it's not my business. We both talked about trying to go part time, which is tough in our field; and even talked about interviews we had gone on to other jobs to find something easier.

The last week of August, she told me that she decided to quit to spend more time with her kids as they weren't getting the attention they deserved. I believed her bc we had talked about that before. I told her I was proud of her for making the decision; and she gave me the strength to ask for PT. She told me she gave notice for 9/8. She also told me not to tell anyone why she was leaving bc she didn't want to burn any bridges which I respected.

So a few days after she left, my boss called me in and wanted to talk to me about her. He wanted to explain why he had to let her go so he knew it wasn't something he had done lightly. He explained he had given her warnings since at before January, with no progress. He asked her to start looking for a job in March/april so she could transition without being fired. He finally had to give her a deadline of 9/1 bc she wasn't doing anything about it. It was obvious how sorry he was about it; but there was nothing he could do. There were major deadlines she missed which could get the business in big trouble, among other major problems with her work. He gave me her work to fix bc he knew I would still be in contact with her. I was REALLY shocked by this news and really had no idea all of this happened.

I believe him bc starting her work (which has really dropped a HUGE burden on me), I'm shocked with how awful it was. And not bc she couldn't do it, she just didn't. This isn't the person I know. Having never worked with her before, how would you know her work habits? I also remember little things she said like how our boss was going to keep her on his insurance until the end of september - I remember thinking how nice of him to do that since she's the one who decided to leave - but how silly am I? Well, it's an insurance reg that once you get past day one in a month, insurance is automatic till the end of the month. That's the reason why many people resign early in the month...lets them hang on to insurance coverage for a couple of weeks more. So, while I am sure your boss is noce, this one isn't anything he could really do anything about.And now, my other two friends are asking me what's going on, bc they also know this is unlike her to just quit her job; and they are worried. I've been avoiding their calls bc I either have to lie or confront my friend. I've talked to her since she's left; and no mention of the truth. I would say that you say what she gave as her excuse...that she felt like her job was taking away from her family and she did not want that. She made the decision that fmaily was more important. After all, if you guys didn't work int he same place and have the same boss, you wouldn't know any of the background stuff that transpired at work, and you would believe her explanantion, wouldn't you?
Although I'm upset that she didnt' tell me the truth and now I'm burdened with the work that is making me crazy busier than I already was, that's not my focus right now. Frankly, I'm worried about her. I'm not sure what to do - confront her, tell our friends, let it lie? Let it lie. And I know it's selfish, but we are less than two weeks away from our trip - I really need/want it; but am afraid that doing anything other than letting it lie will ruin it. But if you guys tell me to stop being a selfish jerk and still do something, I will really take it under consideration. usually I would ask my bff what to do, but I don't want to burden her with this info when she is also going to spend three days with her too. My dh says to tell our friends bad idea to see if we can tell her as she has had ample opportunity to tell me and hasn't, but I don't know. I'm sure she's embarassed, but I'm really worried at the cause of this problem.

Ok, I'm done - any thoughts?

It sounds liek your friend may not have the work ethic you thought she did. I'm guessing she "left" her 1st job for the same reason.

What should you do? Let her keep her story as hers...no need for you to get into it. If people ask, you say "Friend told me she left work because she didn't want to be away from the kids". You're not lying...that was what Friend told you. I'm not sure why your group of toher friends wouldn't accept that as a plausible excuse.

If she's having an issue, when she wants/needs your help, she'll ask for it. You telling the other friends "the truth" or confronting her is only going to get her back up and push her into a corner and cause a HUGE ruckus. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Take my advice...don't do it.

You sound like me OP. I'm a "fixer". I like to help people and I like to "fix" their problems for them. I am learning as I get older that adults really don't always want my help and most of th time they think they don't need any fixing.

Now my theory is "I'm your friend not your mother. I don't have to fix you. If you need me, call me and I'll be happy to help. Otherwise, I'm just going to be your friend and not worry too much about your life".

 

[tlbwriter]

When the others ask what's going on with her, just say "You'll have to ask her." It's not a lie and it's not gossiping.

 

[golfgal]

I would agree that she was probably embarrassed to tell you, especially since you recommended her for the job. As far as health benefits go, it is normal to continue them out through the month of termination (you pay a month in advance so you would maintain coverage through the end of that month), same goes for pretty much all of the benefits-then COBRA could take over depending on the exact circumstances of her being let go.

Now, for the other friends, I think you just need to tell them that they need to talk to her because you really don't know what is going on-which is true because you don't know EXACTLY what happened.

 

[Rosered]

Could you maybe just tell your friends that they need to ask her about what is going on because it's a very private matter and even though you are all very close, you don't feel comfortable sharing her private information? Then it'll be up to her to decide what she tells them and if she lies to them you don't have to confirm or deny the lie, just say you don't feel it's appropriate for you to discuss it.

 

[CF'er]

I wouldn't tell your mutual friends anything different other than what "friend" told you. I wouldn't share with them what your boss told you.

 

[NMAmy]

Let it lie. If your friends are so curious, tell them she told you she wanted to spend time with her family and if they want more info, they need to talk to her.

I'm not sure why you think there is something to fix and how you would even go about doing that. I'm sure your friend is embarassed--I don't see how telling even more people what happened would help your friend in any way.

In my office, what your boss told you would be considered priviliged information. If I spouted off about confidential information to someone outside the office and the boss found out, I'd be out on my ear and rightly so.

 

[Acklander]

I wouldn't tell your mutual friends anything different other than what "friend" told you. I wouldn't share with them what your boss told you.

This.

And while being honest is a good thing, it's not the be all, end all. There is nothing wrong or dishonest about allowing a friend to save face.

 

[krcit]

See bolded. I have read through the whole post.

It sounds liek your friend may not have the work ethic you thought she did. I'm guessing she "left" her 1st job for the same reason.

What should you do? Let her keep her story as hers...no need for you to get into it. If people ask, you say "Friend told me she left work because she didn't want to be away from the kids". You're not lying...that was what Friend told you. I'm not sure why your group of toher friends wouldn't accept that as a plausible excuse.

If she's having an issue, when she wants/needs your help, she'll ask for it. You telling the other friends "the truth" or confronting her is only going to get her back up and push her into a corner and cause a HUGE ruckus. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. Take my advice...don't do it.

You sound like me OP. I'm a "fixer". I like to help people and I like to "fix" their problems for them. I am learning as I get older that adults really don't always want my help and most of th time they think they don't need any fixing.

Now my theory is "I'm your friend not your mother. I don't have to fix you. If you need me, call me and I'll be happy to help. Otherwise, I'm just going to be your friend and not worry too much about your life".

I agree with this advice!

 

[SC Minnie]

I wouldn't tell your mutual friends anything different other than what "friend" told you. I wouldn't share with them what your boss told you.

I agree.

Your boss told you the details in confidence. Only repeat specifically what your friend told you were her reasons. She probably knows by know that you know why she is no longer there. But IMO its not your place to tell everyone.

 

[smkiya]

I wouldn't tell your mutual friends anything different other than what "friend" told you. I wouldn't share with them what your boss told you.

I agree. You believed it until your boss told you otherwise and she is your bff. She needs to work this out on her own. Just be her friend, wait for her to come to you. When she feels the time is right, she will. Let it go until then.

 

[Hannathy]

I wouldn't tell your mutual friends anything different other than what "friend" told you. I wouldn't share with them what your boss told you.

This 100%. It isn't your place to tell the friends anything other than what your friend told you. Think of it this way IF you didn't work for the same boss YOU wouldn't know anything different either.

I also wonder about the confidentiality of your boss in divulging this to you? I wouldn't be running to him with anything private any time soon. He should not have told you all the details unless you were her supervisor and should have just told you you needed to pick up her jobs.

Unless you want to break up the friendship do not tell the others any more than she does, it isn't your place and will result in nothing other than ruining a 14 yr friendship. the 4 of you have a friendship going not a business. Now if you were in business together that is a whole different story but as friends it has nothing to do with the friendship.

I know if a friend felt it fine to go behind my back and tell something private that they found out without me knowing they had and told others and I hadn't wished others to know (even them) I would never feel the same about that person and feel very betrayed.

 

[focusondisney]

Hi! I agree with Disney Doll's post, too. If asked, say what the friend told you. You are not lieing. You are just repeating the reason's as told to you by your friend. What the boss told you is not your other friend's business.

Unless I missed something, I'm not sure why you think there is a problem to be "fixed" or confronted with your friend. She was not a good worker; her boss called her on it & let her go. This does not seem to me to be something that requires friends to get involved with. Maybe she just doesn't have the work ethic you do. I mean if she was on drugs, alcoholic or self destructive, I can see friends wanting to get involved & helping her. But not a good worker, fired for poor work? That comes under the "none of your business" category to me.

 

[MickeySP]

I agree with CF'er I wouldn't tell them anything at all. I would tell them to talk to her.

Why do they need to know anyway? Do they also work with you? I know in my job firings are usually confidential and noone's business but the employee & boss.

Frankly I am kinda surprised the boss told you as much.

As far as your concern, I would go through with vacation and maybe watch for any signs that other than her not wanting/caring to work. If you see signs of depression etc... then I might try to open a conversation. Other than fearing for her safety I woul djust let her have her lie, save face and live her life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When the others ask what's going on with her, just say "You'll have to ask her." It's not a lie and it's not gossiping.

That is probably how I would have to handle it as well. Be vague.

I would not be comfortable "lying" about the fact you know she was fired however as others have pointed out on this post coming out and saying it is unethical considering the work situation.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with everyone else, that you should actively say, you need to ask her.. I would rather not be put in the middle here.
It is never a good position to be in the middle when you don't need to be.

But, I am looking way deeper into this...

This is not an error of omission or protection of privacy....
Your friend actually LIED to you.
I know that she has been a BFF for a LONG time.
But, I do think I would have to speak with her, alone, personally... mention how you have been picking up the slack at work. Tell her that you hated to see that she apparantly missed deadlines, her work was not up to standard, etc.. And, you could see why she might not be working there any longer. I WOULD NOT ACTUALLY TELL HER THAT YOUR SUPERVISOR TOLD YOU SPECIFICALLY THAT SHE WAS FIRED AND HOW AND WHY SHE WAS FIRED. THIS COULD BRING UP ISSUES WITH THE LEGALITIES OF 'PRIVACY IN THE WORKPLACE'. DON'T GO THERE.

And, based on that conversation, I might seriously be re-evaluating your relationship. Something is telling me that this friend is good at putting on a facade and appearances... But, that, in reality, she may not really be the person that you thought that she was.

It really appears that she has purposefully and knowingly, for a long time now, put on appearances, lied, etc.. to manipulate the outcome to this work situation. Personally, I would not see this as a one-time thing. These are actions and behaviors that are a part of a persons underlying character.

Of course, nobody here knows you all personally. And, we can't really offer good personal advice.

But, these are my thoughts.

 

[Gigi22]

OP, I think your boss felt that he had to say something to you because he asked you to fix your friend's work after she left and he knew you continue to be in touch with her. I think he went too far, but his intentions were good. And, I would never repeat to anyone anything he said to you.

 

[tlbwriter]

I agree that it can be disturbing to find out a friend lied to you. But lying about getting fired? I'm a little more understanding. That's something that could be really embarrassing to a lot of people. Especially if you have to spill the beans to the person who helped you get the job in the first place. "Hey, you know how you recommended me for that job? Yeah, bad judgment on your part."