Need advice - overly involved grandparents

[Halloweenqueen]

Just be honest.


Another one who wishes this was our problem. My folks live in Ohio, more than 2500 miles away. We are down to two visits a year. It's tough.

We love Washington, everything is great here, but we miss family within driving distance.

 

[roliepolieoliefan]

I understand your frustration. But you need to remember a couple of things.

First, you have chosen to involve your parents in your children's everyday lives. It is only natural that they want to be a part of their activities.

Second, I think someday you might look back and realize that your kids are lucky that they have grandparents who want to be so involved. They are fortunate to have so many people who love them.

Finally, you need to set some boundaries for your parents. They can still be involved, but make it clear that some times are reserved for your immediate family only. They should not have a problem with that.

I have had a similar experience with my FIL and my kids. It really bothered me a lot at first until I realized how lucky my kids are to have someone special to love them and want to be involved with them.

Good luck!

I totally agree!

I'm an only and my 2 kids are my moms only grandchildren. She also watches my DD who is in 1 /2 day kindergarten 2-3 days a week when I work. I also have a DS in 5th grade.

Her constant involvement used to drive me nuts. She attends everything and actually gets mad if I don't invite her to an event or activity.

She volunteered at my DD's pre-school more than me and still has lunch dates with my DD's pre-school teachers from last year.

Finally I said what the heck! I am lucky to have her. There are so many on here who have no family, are not close to their parents, or live too far away. My kids adore my mom and her BF who BTW attends everything with her. He even took DD to Dad's day at her pre-school last year because DH was out of town.

My mom had surgery yesterday. To see her laying in the hospital made me realize she won't be here forever.

She used to vacation with us every year also. A few years ago it got so overbearing she hasn't been on acation with us in 3 years. My mom has been asking us to go to Aruba with her and her BF for those 3 years and I have always made an excuse. I told her tonight we are definetly going with them next year.

I know its difficult at times but think how lucky you are also.

 

[gina2000]

Things will ease off as your children grow up and are doing more things on their own. In the meantime, your parents are reliving their parenting experiences while watching your children. I know it's a bit tough on you as a family unit, but think of the advantages you currently have. You never, ever have to worry about a babysitter, you always have extra support whenever you need it, your children always have someone there to cheer and root for them and their teams, and you have an interested pair of people who love your children as much as you do.

Is it smother love? Sure, but it will ease as your children spread their wings and leave the nest. My son has had some of the most wonderful moments of his life with my mother and I would never deny either of them that relationship. We've vacationed with my mom, my dad when he was alive, and my in-laws all at the same time. I think it's extrememly beneficial for children to be surrounded by people who care about their well being. I guess it's just the way I was raised.

The only thing I would be concerned about is the junk food issue especially if your kids have weight problems.

 

[Nancyg56]

My DSIL feels the same way that some posters have said they feel. His family wants nothing to do with his DD adn they all live closeby. He told DD that there are times when we are a little overwhelming but he said he knows it is because we love our DGD and he wants that for his little girl. We do know that when they ask us not to do something or to do something they mean it though.

My heart breaks for those whosse family choose to avoid them and their children. DH and I just when someone tells us they don't care that they are apart from their children and grandchildren. Both of us would not ever choose to be far from out DGD, she is a joy that is indescribable.

 

[2Eskiedogs]

I wish my mom would have lived to even see her only 2 grandchildren, because I know that my mom would have loved them. My dad lives far away, doesn't get to see the boys very often, and my inlaws ignore my kids. Your post just makes me very sad, wishing my boys had grandma.

 

[smschex]

What do your kids think? I don't know if they are old enough to have an opinion, but you might ask them.

Growing up I lived in on the family farm. We lived 5 miles from my mom's parents and the equivalent of about a block from my dad's. Both my parents were only children. I was an only child and only grandchild for almost 7 years (until my sister came along and cut into my action ). My grandparents were an integral part of everyday life for me. My dad's mom used to joke that she could bring me home, but I would beat her back to her house by running through the field that separated our houses! At least one grandparent was present at every activity, and for the big stuff it was all of them. Sometimes they sat with my parents, sometimes with their own friends. Most of my friends called my grandmothers the same names I did ("Nanny" and "Mamie") and asked about them if they weren't there. It was just expected! I loved every minute of it. It was a wonderful, secure feeling to know how many people cared about me.

I don't know if my parents ever felt smothered, but if so, for my sake they never showed it. We did naturally grow apart a little as I grew older, but I can say that my remaining grandmother was every bit as wonderful a great grandmother to my kids. All of them are gone now, but my kids still talk about the things they learned from her and the good times they had.

Just my two cents from a grandchild's perspective.

 

[bfeller]

As someone posted earlier, the grass is always greener. My parents died when my kids were 2 and 5 years old. We lived out of town and my MIL and FIL were totally not involved in their lives at all. They visited us around 5 times in 17 years. Fast forward to my daughter's wedding this past November. MIL is now dead and FIL lives 2 miles from wedding site and he doesn't even show up. Nice touch for a wedding when the dead grandparents are more present than the one that is living. This is a habit of FILs, he just self centered and doesn't think of anyone but himself.

So enjoy your parents involvement if you can. There are some grandchildren out there who are very jealous.

 

[MushyMushy]

I'm surprised at all the people who say they wish they had your problem! Sometimes I wish my parents were more involved with my kids (or as involved as they could be from the distance) but I'd hate to have your problem! I think it's way worse than uninvolvement could ever be!

I wouldn't say one is worse than the other. They are both at the opposite extreme. A good middle ground would be what would benefit everyone involved! I know that level of involvement would drive me insane, but my in-laws have NO involvement with my kids and that drives me insane too because it really hurt the kids. My son couldn't give two figs for his grandparents and my daughter wants nothing to do with them. That's just sad, but they set the tone for that relationship.

 

[kaligal]

This is like those people who win lottery and then complain about the downsides of having all that money.

While the beef is legit, it is very difficult to work up sympathy for people who are luckier than you are and who could, if they wanted to, solve the problem themselves by just getting rid of the thing about which they complain.

 

[BC]

what about the children's feelings? Have you talked to them and by that, I don't mean have they heard you grumble about the grandparents being too involved? Little ones will respond in the way they think their parents want them to. Would they be hurt or upset if their grandparents stopped going to their activities? I agree you need to think long and hard about this before you say anything. It sounds like they are just good people and not trying to do anything except out of love and goodness. When you expect people to help you out in one way, but not want them around for other things, it is difficult. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. Just remember they will not always be here and one day you may also be one of those Grandma's that wants to be with your grandchildren. Put yourself in their place and think how hurtful that would be if your children told you to Butt Out!

 

[HM]

I'm sorry you feel so smothered.
I think one of your main problems is that you are both working at home. Is there any way you might think of renting an office to share somewhere, so that you can get out of the house when you parents are babysitting?

I also like the suggestions about helping your parents find some other social outlets and hobbies. Could you start a garden in your yard this spring, so that you parents can work on that with your kids? Could you sign them up for ballroom dance or clogging classes or something similar, as a gift, to get them to be out? How about cooking classes or scrapbooking classes?

Also you could ask your parents just to attend games not practices for your kids sports or whatever activity they have.

Good luck. I feel for you.

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

i really do feel your pain! i also wish i had an answer for you. we had to cut all contact with mine. and were in a realitvely small city and they live down the street. they literally came out and said to us when dd4 was born they wanted unlimited access to her and wanted us to drop her off to them so they could take her out and 'show" her off to their friends!!!!! oh and im an only too.

we tried counselling to help alleivate and dedicate visits when they could come visit. they werent happy with that. to me- now i only skimmed quickly as it rang to true to me- they are trying to parent your kids a lot- food items/drinks for example. im sure you know how to feed and get your kids fluids. i know its hard with confrontations- been there and had so many fights with mine and it all fell on deaf ears. needless to say the councelling didnt work and we found no other way than to cut ties. but ours was the extreme- picture this- " you cant have the family christening gown unless you give me access to your daughter". um yeah.

after years of dealing with the stress of it all, my pshychologist diagnosed my mom as a narcisitc(sp?) type personality. meaning me, me, me all the time.

is it possible you could involve someone to help meidate the situation? trust me you could benefit from this. but be prepared. when you sit down with dear mom and dad they very well could throw it in your face that a theyre that involved whereas other g/p's arent and b they could also throw it back about sitting the kids.

from what i read about the friend situation, your parents feel threatened- as mine did of my kids godmother. i know a lot of other people dont see anything wrong with this but when you're in this situation it isnt easy and its stressful. we have the oppostie with the inlaws too, they are too little involved. has you mom critiqued your parenting style from the begining? or ever? if she has then i see even more reason to intervene this rite now.

good luck, i hope you can find someone to fix or sort this out.

 

[disykat]

Just remember they will not always be here and one day you may also be one of those Grandma's that wants to be with your grandchildren. Put yourself in their place and think how hurtful that would be if your children told you to Butt Out!

I fully expect my children to tell me to butt out if I become the kind of grandmother who becomes so absorbed in my grandchildren that I never allow my children to live their own lives with their own friends, own vacations, etc.

I'll repeat it again, but it really surprises me that so many people claim they would welcome their parents into every moment of their lives. Seriously, never go to a ball game or concert without having to sit with them? Never go on a vacation without them?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I fully expect my children to tell me to butt out if I become the kind of grandmother who becomes so absorbed in my grandchildren that I never allow my children to live their own lives with their own friends, own vacations, etc.

I'll repeat it again, but it really surprises me that so many people claim they would welcome their parents into every moment of their lives. Seriously, never go to a ball game or concert without having to sit with them? Never go on a vacation without them?

I agree. There is being involved and taking an interest and then there is smothering/control/obsession. My kids have grandparents that are involved. That means they come to games, recitals, events etc. They do not come to every single practice, join me when I visit friends or host them, come on every single vacation etc. I appreciate that they love our kids. Our kids love them and have a great relationship with them. They also have their own lives and we have ours.

 

[bgirl29]

what about the children's feelings? Have you talked to them and by that, I don't mean have they heard you grumble about the grandparents being too involved? Little ones will respond in the way they think their parents want them to. Would they be hurt or upset if their grandparents stopped going to their activities? I agree you need to think long and hard about this before you say anything. It sounds like they are just good people and not trying to do anything except out of love and goodness. When you expect people to help you out in one way, but not want them around for other things, it is difficult. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. Just remember they will not always be here and one day you may also be one of those Grandma's that wants to be with your grandchildren. Put yourself in their place and think how hurtful that would be if your children told you to Butt Out!

I totally agree with this post. I soooo hope that when my children are grown with children of their own that I can see them very often.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I totally agree with this post. I soooo hope that when my children are grown with children of their own that I can see them very often.

Seeing them often is one thing. I too hope that. Seeing them 24/7 and not letting them have any life of their own is quite another. I would not want to do that to my kids.

 

[BC]

Like every other debate on these boards, we will all never agree. However, while most folks may not want to be with their parents as much as you are, there are some that would, myself being one of them. That being said, I respect your opinion and it obviously is not going to stop unless you make them aware of your feelings. I assume they have no clue you have an issue with it and you must have at some point early on in your children being born agreed to all this for them to start it. Go ahead and talk to them, but be prepared for the response you might get. My mother used to say, "be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it".

 

[Wishing on a star]

after years of dealing with the stress of it all, my pshychologist diagnosed my mom as a narcisitc(sp?) type personality.

Yep, Narcissistic disorder....
This poster hit the nail on the head....

When somebody feels that THEIR desires and THEIR demands are equal to or more important than their sons/daughters relationship with their own spouse and their own child(ren).... That is Narcissistic Disorder... a neurological condition, a form of mental illness. (Been there - Done that)

This also involves 'control issues'.... Which are very evident in the OP's post. (demanding schedule/info, butting in with foods and drinks, etc.. etc...)
The old phrase "be careful what you wish for" is a boundary crossing and controlling comment.
Be careful??? Of what???
(I will wish for what my heart decides that I want to wish for - Thank you very much....)

Very often children who have been raised by Narcissistic parents do not see this as off-kilter or abnormal..... But, it is....

To those who welcome Mommy and Daddy to every event and every vacation - You might be surprised at how your spouse really feels about the situation.

Like I said - Been there done that with my inlaws... (and my DH)
I have great experience and understanding in this area.

 

[BC]

just to mean you should be very sure of something before you ask for it. Sometimes we think we want something until we get it. That is not a controlling thought, that's just life. Maybe the OP will be very happy without her parents around all the time or her parents may decide to stay away more than she wants and she wishes they weren't gone so much. The grass isn't always greener.

 

[quentina]

I lived this as a child. I need to say, my grandparents were the most amazing thing. We all have those extra special people in life and they were mine.

My parents do the same things with my kids. I will say, I am not annoyed at all. Personally, I feel my children are privledged to be able to have these amazingly, special people in their life (sometimes, I do get a little jealous....when grandpop is around, I cease to exist).

If you don't want them to attend the events, don't tell them when they are. THis way, they can't show up.