Need advice - overly involved grandparents

[BC]

Has it ever crossed your mind that the grandparents may sincerely think the parents want them to be there? If the OP has never said anything indicating otherwise, maybe the grandparents honestly are not thinking what they want is more important than what their children want, as you suggested. Who knows, when the OP tells them, they may graciously apologize and back away as they are asked to do. Give them the benefit of the doubt until it happens.

 

[justhat]

My parents are like that, and I'm grateful! They help schlep the kids from field to field, go to all recitals, plays, etc. They also help me get the kids to their activities - I couldn't do it without them! Just wait - the bond my children have with them is unbelievable! I'm not an only, but my sister lives far from here, so they focus on my kids. They know all of my friends, and talk with them at games (and talk to my friends' parents, who attend also). Sure, they walk in and out of my house whenever they want (and bring food - we have all of their holiday leftovers still!), but they won't be around forever, and again, they are like second parents to my kids.

Edited to add that minutes after I posted this, my mom showed up, asking if anyone needed a ride anywhere. I was just about to pick dd13 up at her friend's house, so mom saved me a trip! She also brought some pita chips. Today, I got stuck at the store longer than I thought, no problem - called my dad. Over the break, not only did my mom bring the little ones to BAB at the mall, she also took my kids to the movies by herself, and brought dd13 and 5 of her friends to the mall.

I don't have this luck, unfortunately, since we live out of state (from both sides), but I grew up with my grandparents like this and I wanted to say it was great! My mom and I butt heads *a lot*, but I suck up my differences with her cause my kids love her and I can only hope they will have the same close bond with her that I had with my grandmother. I loved having my grandparents attend all my school events as a kid and wish my mom or in-laws could do the same for my kids. When they see their friends' grandparents at various events they always ask if theirs can come next time.

So I guess my point is that I would let it slide. Unless your kids are annoyed that grandma and grandpa are always around, then just deal with it for their sake. I know I would have been upset if my mom had told my grandmother to skip some of my things.

 

[disykat]

Give them the benefit of the doubt until it happens.

I am really big on giving the benefit of the doubt. It's one of my biggest pet peeves on the DIS. However, when a poster says her mom is mad because they are going away for a weekend with someone else I find it hard to do that. How can that possibly not be seen as controlling?

 

[Randi]

I expect to be flamed for this, but here goes:

Why is it "controlling" if grandparents are deeply involved in the lives of their children & grandchildren, but not "controlling" when the parents want all their and only their rules followed when it comes to the children?

Give the grandparents some credit for knowing what children need.

 

[disykat]

I expect to be flamed for this, but here goes:

Why is it "controlling" if grandparents are deeply involved in the lives of their children & grandchildren, but not "controlling" when the parents want all their and only their rules followed when it comes to the children?

Give the grandparents some credit for knowing what children need.

I'll bite. It is the parent's JOB to take care of their children. Grandparents have already done their job with their own kids and really don't have the "say" when it comes to someone else's kids - even if they are their grandchildren.

While certainly grandparents have an important role and people should encourage involvement and cut them some slack when they are "opinionated," in ideal circumstances the parent is the most important guidence in the child's life.

We're not talking about an involved grandma here - we're talking about a grandma who is angry if the child and grandchild do anything that doesn't include her.

 

[phragmipedium]

I would have the parents stop babysitting. It's too much day-to-day. If you don't want to hurt feelings, tell them you want the kids in a daycare setting where they socialize with other children. If you don't have your parents in your house stocking it with food you don't want and smothering you all the time, it probably won't bother you that they want to come to all the kid's activities (which is perfectly acceptable for grandparents to want to do) because you won't be seeing them on a daily basis. I think the relationship would improve if you didn't see them everyday and have them "parenting" in your household, but they still demonstrated an active interest and involvement in the kid's lives.

 

[Minnie]

I would have the parents stop babysitting. It's too much day-to-day. If you don't want to hurt feelings, tell them you want the kids in a daycare setting where they socialize with other children. If you don't have your parents in your house stocking it with food you don't want and smothering you all the time, it probably won't bother you that they want to come to all the kid's activities (which is perfectly acceptable for grandparents to want to do) because you won't be seeing them on a daily basis. I think the relationship would improve if you didn't see them everyday and have them "parenting" in your household, but they still demonstrated an active interest and involvement in the kid's lives.

ITA

 

[amberg@eastlink.ca]

Yep, Narcissistic disorder....
This poster hit the nail on the head....

When somebody feels that THEIR desires and THEIR demands are equal to or more important than their sons/daughters relationship with their own spouse and their own child(ren).... That is Narcissistic Disorder... a neurological condition, a form of mental illness. (Been there - Done that)

This also involves 'control issues'.... Which are very evident in the OP's post. (demanding schedule/info, butting in with foods and drinks, etc.. etc...)
The old phrase "be careful what you wish for" is a boundary crossing and controlling comment.
Be careful??? Of what???
(I will wish for what my heart decides that I want to wish for - Thank you very much....)

Very often children who have been raised by Narcissistic parents do not see this as off-kilter or abnormal..... But, it is....

To those who welcome Mommy and Daddy to every event and every vacation - You might be surprised at how your spouse really feels about the situation.

Like I said - Been there done that with my inlaws... (and my DH)
I have great experience and understanding in this area.

i think you've been peering in my windows! lol everything you said was my mom to a t.



ill bite to one of the pp's as well- not every grandparent does know how to parent properly. my grandmother practically raised me, not my mom. that being said my mom is not at all capable in mho of looking after my kids. she proved that at dd's first bday party when i sucked it up and let her come to the party. instead of telling someone or doign it herself she held on to my daughter as tight as could be in a leaking diaper. control issues all over there!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'll bite. It is the parent's JOB to take care of their children. Grandparents have already done their job with their own kids and really don't have the "say" when it comes to someone else's kids - even if they are their grandchildren.

While certainly grandparents have an important role and people should encourage involvement and cut them some slack when they are "opinionated," in ideal circumstances the parent is the most important guidence in the child's life.

We're not talking about an involved grandma here - we're talking about a grandma who is angry if the child and grandchild do anything that doesn't include her.

I agree 100%.

 

[happygirl]

I dunno what to tell you. I have the opposite problem I want my kids grandparents to be more active

 

[Roxanne Debra]

So, I'm in need of some advice... my parents (obviously our kids grandparents) are getting a little over involved in our lives, and its starting to bug me. I'm trying to find a nice way to get some space but not sure how. I'm an only child, so therefore my kids are the only grandkids. They babysit our youngest (half day kindergarten) in the afternoon every day...I have 5 more months until that is done. We have a babysitter for the summer. Don't get me wrong, I know some people have no one to help out with their kids, and I do really appreciate them helping out. However, they only started the every day babysitting the last month or 2 and its already too much time. DH & I work from home, so I see my parents every day. (Sidenote...we were going to look for another babysitter for these 5 months, but they really wanted to spend more time with the kids, so I figured, 4 hrs a day, no big deal, it'll work out).

Then, all the activities our kids are in...they go to. Every. Single. One. We can't chat with our friends or other parents because they're always there, inserting themselves in the conversation. We have plans w/some friends for the weekend in a few months, and my mom just said, well who invited them, as if it was wrong for us to go out w/other friends and do things for the weekend. Every time we plan a trip...they have to go on vacation at the same time. Now, they're retired, and in the summer, not babysitting..they can go on vacation anytime they want, but they always HAVE to go at the exact same time. And then they bring over snacks to leave at my house. Again, once in awhile no big deal. But my mom will bring chocolate milk (because they need calcium and apparently water isn't good enough for them to drink for lunch) and then desserts...ice cream cake rolls, cinnamon rolls, chocolates. At least 3 times a week I'll find stuff at my house. And now, she won't even tell me. She'll bring stuff when she's babysitting, give it to the kids and take it home as if I won't find out.

I know I'm sort of venting, and like I said, just too much time w/them every day but I need a way to nicely tell them not to go to every one of the kids events, and just step back a bit. My mom just asks me (daily) for a print out of the kids activity schedules as soon as I get them. Its to the point that I don't even want to tell them of the activities the kids are in. I don't mind them going to some but we have 1-3 activities for the kids each weekend and I just don't feel they need to be at every one of them.

Anyone have any advice for me? Hopefully things will calm down a bit in the summer, but I need to get thru til then.

 

[mjkacmom]

I don’t know why this zombie was bumped, but I posted in it 9 years ago stating how grateful I was for my parents over involvement in my kids lives. Unfortunately my mom passed unexpectedly in 2015 (she was able to attend dd16’s soccer game 5 days before she died, in a wheelchair), and my dad passed in December. I’d give anything to have them back, we all miss them so much!

 

[L&Lfan]

I wish I still had my grandparents. They weren’t very involved in our lives due to distance, but they never forgot a birthday or holiday. God bless them...

 

[kaytieeldr]

?

 

[lynxstch]

Why did someone join today, just to bump a 9 year old zombie thread..and then only by quoting the entire post and not even commenting or adding anything to it? Seems odd!

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Why did someone join today, just to bump a 9 year old zombie thread..and then only by quoting the entire post and not even commenting or adding anything to it? Seems odd!

Just a guess - trying to up their post count?

 

[mjkacmom]

Why did someone join today, just to bump a 9 year old zombie thread..and then only by quoting the entire post and not even commenting or adding anything to it? Seems odd!

I think that was accidental, but their next post was pretty harsh and deleted.

 

[Allison]

Why did someone join today, just to bump a 9 year old zombie thread..and then only by quoting the entire post and not even commenting or adding anything to it? Seems odd!

They did comment but it was appropriately deleted.

 

[moon]

And when I say snapped, yes the woman lost her mind and permently hurt her relationship with her only grand daughter

What did she do?

 

[CrankyDad]

You want free daycare. This is the price you have to pay. Can’t have it both ways