Need advice on the drama

[mickey7879]

So, here it goes.....

I live in ME and my half sister lives in NC. I saw her this past summer, but before that it had been like 8 or so years. She's 22. Was planning on getting married this past May, but decided to hold off til May 2011. We rarely talk. Our father is a sore subject.

She sent me a message tonight asking if we'd be attending her wedding. I told her probably not because we already have a trip planned......a month long vacation involving the beach, WDW and a Disney Cruise.

Huge drama unraveled and me getting accused of being selfish, a snot and self-centered because we're going on vacation instead of going to her only wedding.

From what I understand, this guy is a loser....no job, no house, has a child that he has to pay child support to (that my sister pays since he has no job) and he can't see his child and they have had fights where she ends up trying to choke him.

Like I said, drama!

I also need to mention that my MIL is paying for most of this trip or it wouldn't be possible. All we need to pay for is food, souvenirs and 1 park ticket for an adult and 1 for a child.

Sorry to drag you all into this. *Others* don't seem to Disney is a big deal or fun and don't understand why we go. Sister thinks we're made of money since we travel a lot (which obviously we aren't) and now doesn't want anything to do with me. Hate to say it, it doesn't hurt my feelings much since we aren't close at all.....only used to see each other because my dad would fly us out to see him when we were still in school and haven't done that for 16 years now.

So, would you cancel your Disney trip or go to the wedding?

 

[aacmt5]

I would go on vacation. I have been in this type of situation before, even if you cancel all your plans and go to the wedding she will find another reason to be upset with you. I say dont worry about the sister you have already made the plans enjoy your vacation.

 

[mickey7879]

It doesn't matter what the situation is, I'm always called the selfish, self-centered one by her and my dad.

Sad thing is that neither actually know me. Things were fine when I saw her in person last summer.....wow, I originally stated this past summer, but it was a year ago. Huh....

Thanks for your fast reponse. I don't think any of my family from here will be attending for one because of the cost and 2 because of my dad....long story.....

But I really do appreciate your thoughts......Thank you again.

 

[Stephieann]

I agree, go and have fun on vacation!!! From the sounds of your family, you will probably be miserable at the wedding!! I had a friend that just got married and because of her Mother and her sisters she was miserable at her on wedding!

I say GO HAVE FUN DISNEY STYLE!!!

 

[aacmt5]

No problem, like I said I have been in very similar circumstances several times, the first couple times I caved in canceled my plans and ended up being miserable because I didnt get to do what I had wanted to do and my sister never appreciated my sacrifice and still found a reason to be upset with me. But after learning the hard way, I have since found I am much happier if I just go on with what I want to do and not worry about what she thinks of me.

 

[lisamarch]

Vacation. Make no apologies. Make your decision and stick to it and don't bring it up with her again.

 

[jdybnsn]

OK ..time to play Simon Cowell here LOL -

First of all - has your sister definitely booked a date for her wedding ? Is there any way that you two can work out something that suits you both ? You need to talk !! The best outcome is always the WIN-WIN situation !

If it is already set in stone, if you only have a trip 'planned' and not 'booked', personally I would make the effort to go to her wedding (irrespective of what you feel about her new DH).

I would be pretty upset if my sister (albeit half sister) chose a holiday over my big day - especially when given so much notice about the event.

Maybe not what you want to hear but my honest opinion.

What is even more the pity, is that this could be just the type of event in the planning stages, that could draw you two together as siblings. I don't know of course, but it sounds like neither of you two had the best of childhoods given the relationship with your father - don't hold this again each other - use it to glue your relationship, not drive it apart.
If you really are genuinely worried about her choice of partner, this may even be a golden opportunity to help her re-assess her situation (in the kindest, most gentle way, of course !). Its my view that sisters are stronger (as individuals) together, than apart and from 'problems' often arise huge opportunities..... perhaps this should be the better way to view this situation.

You have a life time of holidays - but (hopefully) your sister will ony have one wedding - so I say do the decent (and Christian) thing and go.

I wish lots of happiness for you, and your sister, whatever you decide to do.

 

[LindaBabe]

Old Lady here.

By next May, Sis could have had it up to HERE with the loser and cancelled the wedding. She already changed her mind once.

If it was me, I'd probably keep to my plan.

 

[mammacaryn]

If your plans are made and paid for, deposits or otherwise-go on your vacation! If you can move things around where you would be able to attend the wedding, I would do it-you would be the better person for it.

My husband and I get the same garbage from siblings in both our families---thinking we are loaded because my husband makes more money than them....we are not. Some folks just need a reason to be angry, and/or are just jealous people.

 

[PearlySwan]

OP if your plans are set, deposits made, time off work arranged, and schedules agreed up with extended family (MIL), etc., I would say stick to your plans. As LindaBabe said earlier your sister might even change her mind about the wedding date yet again, or better yet she might not even marry the guy. In the meantime you would have re-arranged your entire trip for a wedding that may or may not take place. If on the other hand your MIL hasn't paid for your vacay yet, and you are only in the talking stages, then by all means see if you can change things around to attend your sister's wedding. A caveat: if attending her wedding, regardless of conflict with your vacation time, means drama, drama, and more drama, I would suggest skipping it altogether even if you didn't have a vacation planned. Life is short, who needs the additional headaches!

 

[Otimon]

Enjoy your Disney vacation!

 

[branv]

Well, if you want the short answer it's easy.

Did you make your trip plans (as in, firm plans, not tentative thoughts) before she changed her wedding date, or after she changed her date? If it was before, then it's not really your fault she changed her mind. If it was so important to her that you be there, she would have checked with you before resetting the date. The fact that the world doesn't change to suit her whim is a lesson she will hopefully learn at some point. Having done the whole bridal thing, we set dates after consulting the people I couldn't live without having at the wedding. Anyone else, well I figured I'd just have to live with the disappointment.

But if you made the plans after she changed her wedding date, then...well, I think you already made the decision about who or what is important to you and are just going to have to live with being the bad guy. You can't have it both ways.

Long part: I know what it is like to have a relative you, in an ideal world, should be close to but situation, history and/or personalities just make it impossible. It's hard to let go of that guilt even when you know it's really for the best that you are not family in the emotional sense of the word. From your post it seems you don't really feel bad about missing her wedding or being closer to her, but what you do seem to feel is bad that you don't feel bad about it. Make sense?

Regardless, you don't really need anyone to tell you if you are right or wrong as your sister/father are going to think that about you no matter how many other people disagree with them. You just have to decide that if sis thinks this is a situation that will make or break your relationship with her, whether you think it's worth it.

 

[Mickey4me!]

Ok, so let me make sure I understand the question -

1) Disappoint your half sister whom you haven't seen in 8 years, don't have a close relationship with, calls you self centered, a snot, doesn't want anything to do with you, is marrying someone you think is not a good person, and won't appreciate the sacrifice you would make to be there....

OR​

2) Disappoint your immediate family who are people who love you unconditionally and want you in their life, are supportive of you no matter what, want to enjoy a trip of a lifetime with you and make you happy.

Remind me again - what was the question?

 

[bellaprincess98]

Go on vacation! She is not that close to you. I would however send her a gift.

 

[bevgray]

Since your MIL is paying for the trip, I'd be more concerned with hurting her feelings than worrying about the feelings of a sibling to whom I am not close. I'm afraid the 'this is a way to bond" idea rarely works in real life as family get-togethers more often fuel existing antagonisms rather than ease them.

Go on your trip and don't fret. You aren't being selfish, you are putting your immediate family ahead of the family members you don't see often.

 

[Disneydreamer5]

In situations such as these I usually ask myself....what would I want?
If the situation was reversed what would you want or expect from her?
There is your answer.

 

[nettii]

Go on your vacation with your family. Enjoy your family! Talk to her again and let her know you are sorry but your plans are made and its a shame she made her plans for the same time. Attend her shower and make sure you send a gift. good luck

 

[BealsRwe]

I agree with most of the posters on this one. If your trip was planned, paid for or not, before the wedding date changed, I would stick to the original plans with my immediate family and MIL. I agree talking and trying to find a compromise would be a good idea. If you make the effort, and it still can't be worked out, it's truly a shame. It would be different if she planned her wedding, and to be spiteful, you planned a trip during the time. I don't think this is even close to the case here.

Family is so important to me. I have never had to deal with half siblings, or step siblings. I only have my one brother who I would do absolutely anything for. I'm so thankful he married someone truly wonderful as I did. My DH and I actually planned our wedding with the help of family when it came to picking dates. There was a date I liked better in Jan 2003, but brother and sis-in-law couldn't be there, so we altered our plans. We were somewhat selfish and held the wedding in Orlando, since that's where DH and I lived, making family fly in to us, but it was wonderful having close family around. What I am trying to say here is if she really wanted you there so bad, it's a shame she can't look at what oother options she may have. I feel sory for her that she can't see how yoou are trying to make everything work out, even if you don't care foor the man she is marrying. One can only hope she moved the wedding date because she was just not sure. May be by then she will figure out if he really is the best thing for her. May be invite her to come visit you so you can talk it out in person. Tell her you love her, care about her, and only want the best for her. Let her know your vacation is not flexible, as it is planned, but you truly want to be there for her. May be she can visit withoout potential future spouse, get her away from the siuation.

Good luck. I can't imagine having pain in my family like you are experiencing. My mom passed away on June 25th, and I am so thankful no one was estranged, as her passing actually brought us even closer together.

 

[TheWog]

So, here it goes.....

I live in ME and my half sister lives in NC. I saw her this past summer, but before that it had been like 8 or so years. She's 22. Was planning on getting married this past May, but decided to hold off til May 2011. We rarely talk. Our father is a sore subject.

She sent me a message tonight asking if we'd be attending her wedding. I told her probably not because we already have a trip planned......a month long vacation involving the beach, WDW and a Disney Cruise.

Huge drama unraveled and me getting accused of being selfish, a snot and self-centered because we're going on vacation instead of going to her only wedding.

From what I understand, this guy is a loser....no job, no house, has a child that he has to pay child support to (that my sister pays since he has no job) and he can't see his child and they have had fights where she ends up trying to choke him.

Like I said, drama!

I also need to mention that my MIL is paying for most of this trip or it wouldn't be possible. All we need to pay for is food, souvenirs and 1 park ticket for an adult and 1 for a child.

Sorry to drag you all into this. *Others* don't seem to Disney is a big deal or fun and don't understand why we go. Sister thinks we're made of money since we travel a lot (which obviously we aren't) and now doesn't want anything to do with me. Hate to say it, it doesn't hurt my feelings much since we aren't close at all.....only used to see each other because my dad would fly us out to see him when we were still in school and haven't done that for 16 years now.

So, would you cancel your Disney trip or go to the wedding?

Hell no. Having lived through similar "stuff" I say do what makes you happy. Have fun on your trip!

 

[Stitchnut]

I feel like you are in a difficult situation and many of us at one time or another have had family "drama." No matter what you do, it sounds like it will be a challenge to make your sister happy. You can't make another person happy no matter how hard you try. It sounds like going to the wedding isn't really going to bring much change. If you go, how will you feel about not going on your vacation? Will you take those feelings with you to the wedding and will they slant the way you feel about being at the wedding and your sister? If you do go to the wedding, how long after before your sister gets started on a new drama? I would search your feelings and talk to your MIL and family about this, then decide what is right for you and not your sister. Good luck to you.