Need Advice on getting out of a carpool!!

[rbuzzotta]

I rarely carpool as I am a SAHM and really can take care of my own children and getting them to and from school

Well, a friend of my middle daughter had asked DH about carpooling to school this year. He thought it would help me out and said that it would be fine. They would drive in the morning and I would pick up in the afternoon.

Well, the father said he would pick up around 7:20 (I thought WAY to early) but basically didn't pick up until 7:30. OK fine. My DD would always be ready at 7:20 with coat on and waiting. No biggie. Now that the weather has turned cold, DD has asked that I drive her. The father has a van with no heat!!! My DD says she sees her breathe all the way to school and freezes. With this, I began taking her in the mornings about 2 weeks ago. DD is very happy.

Well, I continue to take this girl home in the afternoons. I drive by her house on the way to pick up and notice that the dad's van is there and he is home!! The girl has become mean to my daughter now and totally ignores her and has gotten a few other friends to ignore her as well. This I do not mind as they are not girls I wish my daughter to befriend. It does not bother my DD that this girl now ignore's her but now the girl is lingering coming out of school and DD has to wait.

They meet at a tree and now with the temperature dropping, I don't like it!! DD is a very loving kid and always gives people the benefit of the doubt.

The girls snowboard together on Saturday evenings about 30 minutes from the house. The family has asked us to carpool but we have not as of yet and really don't plan to. We both enjoy watching our daughter snowboard and go as a family.

Now that I made this post so long...........how do I tell the parents I no longer will be driving their daughter home from school? I plan to tell them this weekend so as to give them time to make other arrangements for her transportation. DH wanted to call this morning to tell them we would not pick her up beginning today but I felt bad (I am a softy). DD is fine with me driving her 'friend' home today!!

Any advice on how to handle this without being mean??? Girls will be girls and I am sure someday (although I don't wish too soon) that they will be friends again (I prefer just friendly as this girl is growing up way too fast for me!!).

thanks!!

 

[Mike.Wazowski]

maybe tell the parents that it is becoming and inconvience for you because soemtimes you don't go right home from school.. you have errands to run or whatever... make it out to be your problem not the girls ???

 

[Skatermom23]

IN order to keep the peace, I would just tell them that beginning next week you were not able to continue the carpool because it will interfer with after school plans that you have made. As for the snowboarding situation, I would just say that you enjoy going to this event and therefore you don't need to carpool. Good luck with it. My DD is 13 and my DS is 15 and I have been in more of these situations that I care to remember!

 

[rbuzzotta]

Thanks for the advice.

They do know that I have to pick up DD #3 after DD#2 so that excuse may not work out well.

I guess honestly may have to be the best policy here!! UGH! I know I am going to get sucked into continuing this carpool!! I need to get a backbone!LOL!!

 

[Imzadi]

They do know that I have to pick up DD #3 after DD#2 so that excuse may not work out well.

You don't need to explain yourself. You're not accountable to that family. Just say it has become inconvenient. You can still be doing other stuff after you pick up the other two kids. It sounds like DH was planning to call. He didn't have a problem with it. You do. Just let him do it. You're not the neighborhood chauffeur.

IF the other girl has become mean, well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Her father may get into a snit because it has become convenient for him - increasingly so, if they can now get you to chauffer the daughter snowboarding too. (Sounds like HE wants to ignore his own responsibilities to his DD.) Again, it is not your responsibility, no matter how nice you may be. You have a right to do family gatherings & then go out as a family afterwards.

 

[rbuzzotta]

Thanks for the support. Today was fine but as soon as the girl got out of the car my DD said she wasn't very nice to her at lunch today. Not outright mean but totally ignoring her in front of others.

When I called the father a few weeks ago and said I would be taking DD to school in the morning he did have a strange response and the more I think about it makes me wonder. I told him DD wanted to get to school a little earlier and he responded that he understood that he "did not have a very nice van but at least she had a seatbelt!!" I blew it off but now in retrospect it makes me angry. I do drive a luxury SUV. DD would rather heat in the New England winter than a seatbelt when I asked her. He asked if I could continue to take his daughter home and I said it would be fine.!! UGH!!

Thanks again for the show of support. My spine is getting thicker! LOL!

 

[dodukes]

Sorry but yeah it sounds to me like he doesnt want responsibility for his own kid. Dont explain yourself, just tell him that it is no longer possible and that as of today you wont be doing it anymore.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

Sorry but yeah it sounds to me like he doesnt want responsibility for his own kid. Dont explain yourself, just tell him that it is no longer possible and that as of today you wont be doing it anymore.

 

[hydster]

I wouldn't try to "explain" your way out of it. Just tell them you're not carpooling anymore and don't make an excuse. They don't need to know a reason!

I learned this from my FIL and once I got the hang of it it has made my life so easy! People call and want me to do something and if I don't want to do it I just say NO. No explanation, no excuse, no lie just a plain and simple no. It is somewhat funny when people hesitate waiting for the excuse but honestly it's been so great!!!

I'd just call and say Mr. X, This is Mrs. Y and I thought I'd let you know that as of today we will not be carpooling! Hope you have a great weekend and then hang up! There is no need he has to have an excuse. All he NEEDS to know is you aren't doing it anymore!

JMHO though!

 

[Chicago526]

Thanks for the support. Today was fine but as soon as the girl got out of the car my DD said she wasn't very nice to her at lunch today. Not outright mean but totally ignoring her in front of others.

When I called the father a few weeks ago and said I would be taking DD to school in the morning he did have a strange response and the more I think about it makes me wonder. I told him DD wanted to get to school a little earlier and he responded that he understood that he "did not have a very nice van but at least she had a seatbelt!!" I blew it off but now in retrospect it makes me angry. I do drive a luxury SUV. DD would rather heat in the New England winter than a seatbelt when I asked her. He asked if I could continue to take his daughter home and I said it would be fine.!! UGH!!

Thanks again for the show of support. My spine is getting thicker! LOL!

Maybe that came from his daughter coming home and telling him how wonderfull you car is. Something like "Dad, they have such a nice car, it has heat and everything!!!!"

Seriously, I don't like being seen as "the bad guy" or "rude" either but in this case, I'd make an exception. I'd be at the point that I wouldn't care what these people think of me as long as I don't have to pick the girl up anymore!

Good luck!

 

[daisyduck123]

I guess honestly may have to be the best policy here!! UGH! I know I am going to get sucked into continuing this carpool!! I need to get a backbone!LOL!!

Yes...grow that backbone!!

You can do it!!

You will be so glad you did.

 

[korbbec]

I don't know here.... I'm going out on a limb and I do not mean to offend, but I have to be honest. There are a few things about this story that bother me.
Yeah it sucks that the van doesn't have heat, but how far is the school? You said your DD likes to snowboard so obviously she has the physical ability and the proper attire to withstand cold temps for much longer than it takes to get to school. Sometimes it is best to suck it up than to offend. I mean- what is the real danger?
You asked you DD and she would rather have heat than a seat belt? You should talk to her about safety and you should both get your priorities in order concerning seat belt vs heat.

It does sound to me like you and your DD think that you are too good for this family and their measly van. I'm sure that the things escalating at school are a result of this percieved difference in social standing. I'm not saying this is the reality, or trying to say you really feel that way- just letting you know that from what you said here it is easy to draw that conclusion.

 

[deekaypee]

I wouldn't try to "explain" your way out of it. Just tell them you're not carpooling anymore and don't make an excuse. They don't need to know a reason!

I learned this from my FIL and once I got the hang of it it has made my life so easy! People call and want me to do something and if I don't want to do it I just say NO. No explanation, no excuse, no lie just a plain and simple no. It is somewhat funny when people hesitate waiting for the excuse but honestly it's been so great!!!

I'd just call and say Mr. X, This is Mrs. Y and I thought I'd let you know that as of today we will not be carpooling! Hope you have a great weekend and then hang up! There is no need he has to have an excuse. All he NEEDS to know is you aren't doing it anymore!

JMHO though!

I love this advice, which I was also given, and it works so well!

 

[pearlieq]

Yeah it sucks that the van doesn't have heat, but how far is the school? You said your DD likes to snowboard so obviously she has the physical ability and the proper attire to withstand cold temps for much longer than it takes to get to school.

I honestly didn't think the heat this would be too big of a problem either. Just bundle her up. Worst comes to worst she's chilly for a few minutes. It's not fatal.

As for his response about the van, maybe your DD said something. I'm not saying she was trying to be rude, but maybe she complained about there not being heat or compared their van to your luxury SUV unfavorably. It sounds like something made him self-conscious about the van and it might have been something she said.

Regardless, you have every right to end the carpool arrangement. As others have said, you don't need to explain yourself or offer any excuses. A simple "The carpool arrangement isn't going to work out for us. As of Monday we won't be able to drop your daughter home after school anymore" will do. Then get out of the conversation as soon as possible!

 

[WonderfulDreamer2]

I don't know here.... I'm going out on a limb and I do not mean to offend, but I have to be honest. There are a few things about this story that bother me.
Yeah it sucks that the van doesn't have heat, but how far is the school? You said your DD likes to snowboard so obviously she has the physical ability and the proper attire to withstand cold temps for much longer than it takes to get to school. Sometimes it is best to suck it up than to offend. I mean- what is the real danger?
You asked you DD and she would rather have heat than a seat belt? You should talk to her about safety and you should both get your priorities in order concerning seat belt vs heat.
It does sound to me like you and your DD think that you are too good for this family and their measly van. I'm sure that the things escalating at school are a result of this percieved difference in social standing. I'm not saying this is the reality, or trying to say you really feel that way- just letting you know that from what you said here it is easy to draw that conclusion.

I'm sorry, but I disagree here. While there may not be any danger in being chilly for a bit, it is still uncomfortable. I'm sure when the OP's DD goes snowboarding, she dresses much differently than she does when going to school. And I'm pretty sure the seatbelt vs heat comment was a little tongue in cheek. Regardless, its not working out and no one should have to be uncomfortable just to keep from hurting the dads feelings because they have something a little nicer nor should the OP have to apologize for having nice things or wanting to take care of her daughter. While I'm sure she wont call and say "Hey, you have a crappy ride and mines much better so we don't want to be friends anymore", she does need to do whats right for her family.

 

[grlpwrd]

I have to agree that you don't owe them an explanation, but I do wonder why there is such animosity between the girl and your dd.

 

[DisneyfeverTN]

I think that if you don't want to carpool anymore, you shouldn't have to do it. If you feel uncomfortable making the call have your DH do it. The sooner the better. If I had to make the call, I would just say that I have other things going on after school now. You and your daughter do not need to continue to feel uncomfortable when you don't have to. Good luck! Just do it!

 

[rbuzzotta]

Thank you all for your responses!!! As far as 'social' standings, there is not much of a difference. The wife takes her luxury SUV to drive their son to a very prestigious private high school each morning. My DH drives an economy car (but has heat).

Although my DD does snowboard, she does not dress that way for the ride to school, nor should she have too. She is in the van only about 10 minutes, no need to have to put snowpants, thermals, face mask, goggles, gloves, etc on her for a carpool. She is not comfortable on the ride to school and I personally don't think this is a very good way to have to begin your day!! She sits on a seat in the back of a utility van with all construction supplies. She says her butt is cold and has to sit on her foot to keep it warm!! LOL!! She says it is warmer outside then in their van at times!!

The comment of heat vs seatbelt was made as a tongue in cheek statement!!! She understands quite clearly about seatbelt safety!!! She also told me she would continue in the carpool if it were easier for me!!!

I plan to speak to which ever parent goes to snowboarding tomorrow night. I rather talk to them in person then over the phone over this.

Thanks for the advice (supportive and not so supportive)!!! I really appreciate hearing both sides.

 

[Imzadi]

I rather talk to them in person then over the phone over this.

Talking in person is when you may feel the need to explain or justify your decision. Really, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't such a big deal. It's not like you signed up as a surrogate guardian for the girl. You're not the Red Cross. You simply can't drive her anymore. Period.

 

[paper1225]

I dealt with a similar situation earlier this year. Our school(catholic) does not have busses so we have to drive. I am a SAHM, so driving is not a big deal for me. We did not have a set schedule like you, because the other mom had a job that changed from day to day, so every monday she would call or I would call her. They were constantly late for pick up, the son was rude in my car and would always fight me about the seat belt. When I took in the am-the son was always late-making us wait. The mom would call me at the last minute at least once every other week to say she could not pick up on her day. She even forgot one of my DD's one day! I had told her on monday that Tuesday DD#1 had scouts and would be staying after school. Well neighbor picked up monday and brought home only DD#2!!!!! Not only did she get the days mixed, she had the girl mixed! Neighbor said she did not see DD!!!! Anyway, I decided no more after DD's begged to stop and were afraid of tardies. I decided to call when I knew she was gone and leave a message. Yes, I whimped-but it worked! I was polite and just said I would like to start only taking my own. Explained how DD's were really worried about tardies and one had perfect attendance. Not sure if they were upset, but we were not good friends to begin with. We still talk at the fence and say hello. Our children never played, different ages and sexes! Good luck!