need advice on disrespectful mother-in-law

[crysplefty]

Good afternoon all,
My mother-in-law always disrepects mine and my husband's wishes when it comes to our children. Her latest stunt is the last straw and I could use any advice on where to go from here. My mom keeps our kids while we are at work. My mother-in-law took off from work tomorrow and this past weekend called my mom to ask if it will be alright for her to keep the kids that day. She has yet to call my husband and I and my mom is under the impression that my mother-in-law is keeping the kids tomorrow. I think it is totally disrespectful for her to bypass us and go to my mom for permission to keep the kids. What should I do?

 

[PiperPizzaz]

I am assuming this is not an isolated incident?
I do know you need to have DH deal with her. I wish I had more advice. GL!

 

[kpgriswold]

I would be very up-front about this, and ask her why she went to your mom instead of to you. Then tell her in no uncertain terms that the next time she wants to "borrow" your kids, she needs to arrange it through you and your DH. All of this would be best coming straight from your DH to his mother.

Don't be surprised if she offers a lame excuse. In my experience with my own difficult MIL, it was all about her being a control freak and wanting what she wanted when she wanted it, despite what it cost anyone else.

If she continues to disrespect you, you will need to have a very firm backbone and limit her contact with your kids. This is NOT meant to punish her, but to protect your children. People who run roughshod over you are going to do the same to your kids, and it will teach your kids that no one's feelings matter but Grandma's. Not good...

My DH was a gem in dealing with his mother. She was toxic, so we saw her on a limited basis, and left -- lovingly but firmly -- right away whenever she started to be disrepectful.

It took her years, but she finally got the message that she had to behave if she wanted to see us.

 

[spare+a_pair]

After years of dealing with MIL issues, DH finally had a private conversation with his mom, which many years later, he has not shared with me.

I will tell you that soom after that "chat" my MIL became bearable, and now it is actually a joy to be with her and do things together.

Make sure whateve is said comes from DH alone - it seems much more effctive that way.

 

[dogodisney]

Could it be that the reason your MIL went through your mom, is because your mom is the one the one who watches the kids while you work so in a way she is the one responsible for them? Maybe?

Have you kept your MIL from keeping your kids in the past?

 

[sashagiselle]

My parents live out of the country and my husband parents are deceased, so the idea of having grandparents spendin time with our children is only a dream for us! I think its a good that she wants to use her days off for time with her. I know that when people annoy us or have previously done things to us, we tend to see everything they do and say in a negative light. I don't think this issue is the one to have the big blow up on. I would just call her and say "my mom mentioned that you asked to borrow the kids, sure you can or sorry its not possible, but next time please come to me or your son first. Good Luck!

 

[MiniGirl]

Could it be that the reason your MIL went through your mom, is because your mom is the one the one who watches the kids while you work so in a way she is the one responsible for them? Maybe?

Have you kept your MIL from keeping your kids in the past?

This is what I was thinking. My best friend's mom watches her kids who happen to be my dds' best friends. When we want to arrange a play date or a movie or something, I would call my friend's mom instead of my friend. My friend didn't mind my calling her mom at all and the grandmother always seemed to welcome the break. I certainly meant no disrespect to my friend and she has never taken it as such.

Now.... if you don't want your MIL watching the kids and she went to your mom as a way of avoiding you, then I understand. I think it is great that she wants to spend time with her grandchildren and give your mom a little break at the same time.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

If this happens again, your mom needs to refer your mother-in-law to you and your husband. She should just say, "I can't make the decision about where the kids spend the day. You need to check with their parents."

 

[duffy]

Could it be that the reason your MIL went through your mom, is because your mom is the one the one who watches the kids while you work so in a way she is the one responsible for them? Maybe?

Have you kept your MIL from keeping your kids in the past?

I am not a grandmother--yet. But, if I were watching my grandchildren, and somebody-anybody-asked if they could watch them for the day, I would say something like, "I am only the caretaker, but try asking their parents. If they tell me it's ok, then it's fine with me!"

Under no circumstances would I allow them to go off with someone else until I knew directly from their parents that it was ok with them.

 

[natnelliesmom]

If this happens again, your mom needs to refer your mother-in-law to you and your husband. She should just say, "I can't make the decision about where the kids spend the day. You need to check with their parents."

This is exactly what I was thinking. It will send her a clear message that you are the boss of your children. My MIL is a pain too. I can never please her and I have completely given up caring at this point! I know I can't win.

My MIL likes to tell my girls that she's going to do things with them or for them- without telling me anything! Then I'm the bad guy when I say they can't go with her. (I don't let her drive them anywhere ever since she brought them home with their car seat straps falling off their shoulders!!)

I have also overheard her trying to get my kids to say negative things about me. All that did was cause them to dislike spending time with her! My kids know I'm a good mom.

I could go on and on... I know what it's like to have a difficult MIL!

I have found now that the only way to deal with her is to be blatantly clear with her and make sure she knows what my rules are. She doesn't like it and will say that I'm rude to her.. but at least now she knows where she stands. I've given up caring what she thinks.

-Sarah

 

[hillview]

This has happened to me with MY parents. They called my babysitter and asked to take the kids, she let them and when I called my babysitter to check in she said my parents had the kids and when I called them NO answer and I didn't know where my kids were. You need a chain of command, you are in charge of your kids and say where they go with who and when. You need to let MIL and your parents know about this chain of command in a nice way (people apparently make assumptions even though it seems OBVIOUS).
/hillary

 

[nutterbutter2010]

My inlaws and my parents both watch my kids on different days. There have been sone days when I expect one to show up, and the other does. They have spoken to eachother, changed the babysitting schedule, and went with it. It bothered me a bit, but I simply went to both of them, said "next time you change things up, just let me in on it." and that was it. Yeah, they should have known better than to do it in the first place, but I have bigger fish to fry than this.

 

[Pixieflip]

If this is the last straw, then there is probably a LOT unsaid here that lead up to this, huh? I agree with PP who suggested laying down the rule with everyone about checking with you before any changes are ever made. A very reasonable request.

I also agree that it might be good to measure the fish before you fry it. Words and actions are like toothpaste, once you squeeze it out of the tube, you can't put it back - or take the words or actions back. If you're ready to flip out over this (and who am I to judge that?!), choose words wisely! Good luck whatever you do. You are so not alone with crazy family members!

 

[MomtoAlexnWilliam]

I'll assume (dangerous, I know!) that you have had tons of problems with your MIL. I am so sorry but know you are not alone!! I'm blessed to have an amazing MIL but have way too many girlfriends who struggle with difficult MILs.

First, I would let your husband handle his mom. She will take it so much better from him than from you! But he needs to present it as a united front from the two of you and not the messenger for you.

Second, I would let your mom know that she should have a standard line to say to your MIL when she calls. Duffy had a good suggestion.

Third, use this experience to take notes about what NOT to do when you are a MIL yourself!

Good luck!!

 

[sk!mom]

There must be much more to this story?

Are you sure that you're not just nitpicking? If your MIL normally kept your kids and your mom did this would you react in the same way?

This seems very minor to me. Worthy of a "hey, please check with me next time- I really like to know where they are." Certainly not a "last straw" issue.

 

[duffy]

There must be much more to this story?

Are you sure that you're not just nitpicking? If your MIL normally kept your kids and your mom did this would you react in the same way?

This seems very minor to me. Worthy of a "hey, please check with me next time- I really like to know where they are." Certainly not a "last straw" issue.

We're talking about kids, right? If I don't "know where they are", that's not a minor issue to me!!

 

[gib4]

From someone who also has had to have discussions regarding the grandkids and a difficult MIL, I agree that DH has to do the talking. We have tried to talk to MIL as a team and she gets immediately defensive. It seems to go better when DH does it on his own (although I don't always believe that he says everything to her that he tells me he did). I also agree with a PP that said to make your expectations as blatantly obvious as possible so there is no room for misinterpretation. I, too, gave up caring about trying to keep my MIL happy-it takes too much out of my day. I am much happier as a result. Good luck to you

 

[sk!mom]

We're talking about kids, right? If I don't "know where they are", that's not a minor issue to me!!

Yes, but we are also talking about grandmothers. My mother also kept my DD when she was little. In my experience, family sitting is quite different then a nonrelated sitter. When my mom kept DD, if she needed to run errends or decided to take DD out for lunch, she didn't ask my permission every time. "Hey I need to run to the grocery, is that ok?" would have gotten old quickly for both of us."

 

[powellrj]

Yes, but we are also talking about grandmothers. My mother also kept my DD when she was little. In my experience, family sitting is quite different then a nonrelated sitter. When my mom kept DD, if she needed to run errends or decided to take DD out for lunch, she didn't ask my permission every time. "Hey I need to run to the grocery, is that ok?" would have gotten old quickly for both of us."

I have to agree with you. These are grandmothers not some random stranger. My mom and mother inlaw would sometimes watch the kids and one would take them while the other had them and it was never a big deal. If it bothers you than just say something. I really don't see it as being disrespectful in anyway.

 

[duffy]

I must disagree, respectfully. As a woman who will probably become a grandmother within the next five years (daughter getting married in the summer!), I can easily imagine myself being a babysitter. I would NEVER take my future grandchildren anywhere without getting their parents' permission first, even if that is just a simple, "hey, I need to run to the store while so-and-so is here, can I take him/her with me?"

And if their other grandmother, or any other relative, asked to take them, it would simply be courteous to first discuss it with their parents.