Need Advice on Depression

[disneymom3]

Hi all,
So, I live with a clinically depressed man. Overall I would say I know what depression looks like. (He takes prescription meds by the way and has for a couple of years. Everything is good there.) My mom died in Feb and I was very close to her overall except for the last year we had trouble communicating because of her condition and the fact that I live very far away from her and could not go see her often becuase of DHs job. I feel some guilt about that actually. Some days a lot.

I have been trying to lose weight, but I just can't stick with it and I feel like my entire self worth has become tied to what the scale says. Right now, it is not saying good things and I am feeling pretty crappy about myself.

My house is very unorganized. Clean, but a mess if you know what I mean--the floors are swept, the bathrooms are cleaned, but there is stuff EVERYWHERE and that makes me stressed.

I homeschool my kids and that is fine. EVeryone is doing well in their studies and we take time off when we need to. They are all pretty bright and though they all learn in different ways, overall I feel like I have a handle on that. But I only do lessons these days because I make myself care about it.

DH gets home rather late from work and it is starting to make me crazy. He may have to work on Mother's Day and while on other years I could probably cope with that and we would just celebrate another day, this year I know I will not be able to handle it.

I have not cooked a real dinner in I don't know how long. I just don't care. That is pretty much my attitude about life right now. I don't care and I can't get motivated to do anything.

I am trying to figure out if I am depressed and if so, do I need to do anything about it. I mean I lost my mom so it's normal to feel sad, right? But I just can't get back up and going again. Before I decide to call my Dr or make an appointment with DH's psychiatrist, I just need some general feedback and honestly, didn't know where else to go so of course I turn to the ever reliable DIS.

 

[mssocks]

Hi Julie- I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. What you describe is me when my clinical depression is on a bad swing. You have every right to feel this way too. Just because you don't have "clinical" depression doesn't mean you aren't depressed from the situation. Don't try to "shake yourself out of it", or "suck it up" or anything that moronic people will tell you. Talk to a professional. They are for short term issues as well as long term. Maybe you feel more comfortable with your GP to start out. Ask for a few names - they will know who might be a good fit for you. Don't assume that your husbands therapist is the right choice for you. You may have totally different needs.

This is a major life stressor and time may ease some of the hurt, but don't try to do it alone.

 

[KelNottAt]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I know very little about depression. But, it sounds like you are in need of some help.

My first suggestion is to go ahead and call your doctor, DH's doctor, or your clergy.

But, if you're reluctant to do something "official" like that, why not call the United Way of Minnesota's First Call for Help? The number is 211. They may be able to refer you to a service that can listen to you situation and validate your own suspicions. With that knowledge, maybe you'll feel more empowered to see your own professional.

Best of luck.

 

[Puffy2]

Fellow homeschooler here.

I think your situation really relates more to the death of your mother than anything else. I don't think we realize how much of an impact the death of a parent can have on us. It really changes everything. You are no longer a "child" - you are a grown up (it doesn't matter if you have been in a "grown up roll" for years - this is more psychological than anything else). Some people find it helpful to find a support group or private counseling, just to talk things out a bit. Others manage on their own. One of my parents died a few years back - I talk to them all the time and my personal beliefs are that they hear me. In any case, the "conversations" help me.

For starters, though, if you are serious that you don't want to feel "down" anymore - you can treat yourself by forcing yourself to begin an exercise program . It's the perfect time of year for it anyway. Take the kids to the park for long walks - maybe sign up for an areobics class, etc... But if you can get yourself "moving" you WILL feel better. If you don't you will CONTINUE to feel lousey. There is no getting around that one.

Second, after those exercise events - come home and work for one hour on one task to start cleaning up and organizing your space. It does have an impact on how you feel and it matters. Do this even if you have to let the school lessons slide for a week. You will get more accomplished with the kids once you can see beyond the clutter. I KNOW that your first response will be to look at it all and think to yourself "Gee , I really need to do this but I think I need a nap first/to work with the kids first/to make dinner first/to wash dishes first/to call the vet first/excuse #1008 first, etc...." DON't give into it, make that one hour a priority.

And the working husband, I really don't think that's your issue right now. You are just looking to him to make you feel better and when he isn't there to respond, you allow that to make you sink deeper into the pitty party. There may be issues between you and your spouse, but first you need to think about you (not him) and "you" means the exercise and managing the clutter. As for Mother's Day, pick yourself up a cake and take the kids to a movie. It's just not that big of a deal, really - unless you let it be.

Hope this helps. Now, get of the computer and take the kids out for a walk!!!

 

[Teejay32]

JMO only. I felt that way after my father died. I didn't see enough of him while I had the chance, when he was healthy, and couldn't get out to see him when he was sick until the very end, too late to say goodbye or anything. I know what clinical depression feels like and that wasn't it. I was angry, resentful and terribly sad, and just kept pushing all that off to the side and locking it away, so it wouldn't upset the household and throw off anyone else's day, or whatever. I had no time for emotions; I was busy.

Someone else had to point that out to me. Maybe you're doing the same thing.

 

[Serena]

{{{hugs}}}

My doctor told me that there are two kinds of depression. General, everyday kind of thing, and a situational kind.
There are all kinds of medicines for either. But your doctor can help you. Even if you just need something temporarily.

But my added .02 is get rid of the scales, throw them away or hide them until you feel better about it.

 

[disneymom3]

Thanks for the replies. I am going to call my Dr and make and appointment to talk to her. I really like her and feel comfortable with her, but didn't want to be going in for no reason, y'know? I also do like DHs doc and have been to see him with DH a few times. Not sure I need to go to that level right now though.

As for the other suggestions, I am excercising going to Curves 3 times a week and I am glad I am doing it and feel good about it. Serena you have a good point, because I will be feeling pretty good about the excercising and really proud of myself as I have never done somethign like this before and then I will weigh myself and have not lost any lbs and will feel like a loser. The scale is evil!

Regarding the working DH, it is not that I want him to be here to fix anything it is just that by 6:30 or 7:00 at night, I am all done and have used up my last reserves in being patient, loving, kind and giving and I feel like I need to escape a bit. When I get up in the morning and know I have to face a 12 hour day with the kids, it just gets to be really overwhelming.

To me, on most years as I said, Mother's Day is NOT a big deal. It is right up there with Valentines Day as far as created holidays go. However, I have always--and I mean every year--sent my mom flowers and a card and called to talk to her for at least half an hour, usually more, on Mother's Day. I am trying to avoid the whole hoopla, but I am struggling with it and beign alone on that day when I know my mom will be on my mind AND I will need to be up for my kids who of course will be excited for me on Mother's Day is again a little overwhelming. My kids are little and are not going to get why I would not be having just such a lovely day. And I am the mommy and the grown up and don't need to put this on them either.

Anyway, thanks again for listening and for all of your caring responses. I really appreciate it.

 

[YourMajesty]

I really wish I had some great advice. I could sense your need for help. I'm glad you are calling your Dr. You sound like you accomplish so much...just are in need of some time to yourself. Keep going to curves and forget weighing...you will notice your clothes fitting better. Hang in there.

 

[Forevryoung]

I know you have the Dis but what about considering therapy before medication.

I have bipolar disorder and I am medicated. I am a strong advocate for medication and therapy but in some cases, just having a safe place to cry and scream and vent and not having to care about the reaction of the world makes a huge difference. I have gone off of my medication for many months at a time and with therapy, I have been able to safely and rationally work through the rougher spots (PSA: please dont think that everyone with bipolar disorder can do this though). Medication is very very helpful but finding the right one takes time and energy. I have been on 15 different meds in the past 5 years (with a 9 month med break). I have had tons of side effects (not to scare you, it's just the truth).

Find the right therapist (I've had several horrible ones) and just start talking.

Good Luck

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I just want to ley you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I have suffered thru my depression/post traumatic stress for about 6 years now and it is a difficult uphill battle--I went to see a psychiatrist first and after a few weeks received a referral to a psychologist for meds--It was nice to have someone to talk to about everything I was feeling and going thru who sat and listened and was able to commiserate---My DH understood what I was going thru but it wasn't the same because I felt like he would judge me because I was no longer the strong female he met and married so I kept a lot to myself--For me my depression was a mixture of many things,I was in an abusive relationship,I got divorced,EX got physical custody,I suffered 4 heartattacks,Got pregnant and had to be on bedrest for 6 months because of placenta previa with a placental abruption,My dad died------Everything just kind of snuck up on me when I thought that I had dealt with each situation well.
TodayI am much better off than I was even 2 years ago but I still have many issues to deal with such as not liking to leave the house and of course my weight is one of my biggest issues,I keep saying "I'm going to get up and exercise and lose 20lbs" but then it's like "Oh well why bother it's not gonna happen anyways" and then there's my house like you it's "clean" but nowhere near what it used to be--I no longer clean room by room till that room is spotless just kinda go in pick up the mess and it is good enough.
My biggest suggestion is to find a professional you can talk to-- they do help even though like me you may get frustrated by the lack of an instant fix but stick to it!! They give you ideas to express yourself and help you see that silver lining!-But remember take one day at a time and make time for yourself which can be extremely difficult given the homeschooling.
Find someone and talk to them and regain control of your life with their help!! I wish you the best of luck it is a hard road as I said but with love and support you can make it!

 

[Candace]

I have lived with depressed children, (one bipolar son not currently on meds). What you have sounds situational, like you're overwhelmed at home (even though you choose to homeschool, etc.) and grieving for your dad at the same time. I know when my dad died, I felt like the one person who loved me in spite of anything I ever did, was gone. Even though he had been sick for years, I felt alone and "grown up" for the first time even though I was in my 40's. For the first year after he died, the knowledge of it would come over me in waves without any warning, and suddenly I would think, "Oh, God, Daddy's dead, he's really dead!" It was really rough, but I couldn't stop going on with life. Like you, I had a husband (mine's a workaholic), two children, and I work full time as a teacher outside the home. MY weight shot up, and unfortunately is still there, my house became cluttered and still is. But, slowly, the sadness lifted. I did not seek professional help even though I had one son in therapy for a while. I do take something herbal now which helps me and got rid of these horrible tension headaches which I call "rods" in the back of my head. I still have migraines, but these anxiety/tension headaches were relieved and my outlook/spirit improved with an herbal capsule called Amoryn. It made a defiinte difference for me. Check it out at www.amoryn.com. Staying busy, exercising and NOT belitting yourself for the cluttered house or extra pounds is especially important. Try to do something just for YOU, if you can squeeze a few minutes in also. Life is short! Do whatever you need to get yourself feeling better! God bless you and Good luck!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

As far as cooking have dinner at 4-5pm or even 3pm, even if it is 1 day a week.
I know this sounds crazy but when I get like that, having dinner early can help.
Put a plate in the fridge for your dh.
I know this won't solve anything but it might make 1 day of your week better. I know changing my routine helped me get through some rough spots.
I am glad you are going to the doctor. Best wishes to you.