Need advice not disney related- very very long - UPDATE post #15

[mousefanmichelle]

Hi there. I am in a situation and I need some advice. I can't take this to my family ie. sisters or my friends because I need to figure this out first.

Let me start by saying that 11 years ago when I was preg. with my 2nd son my dh had an affair on me with a woman at his work. It ended and we worked on our marriage. I had an 18 month old and was 3 months pregnant with my second son at the time. Since then - we have worked on it and he has promised me he would never do it again. I know what your thinking - once a cheater always a cheater. I thought the same thing. Over the last 10 years I have been suspicious and we have talked and he has said he would never do it again because 1. he has too much to lose and 2. he never wants to hurt me or our family again.

Fast forward to the fall of 06. My husband has been spending a lot of time with these guys that I don't really care for - they don't have kids, treat their wives bad, or are divorced. I try to spend time with them also to be with my dh- but I don't like them or their character. So I back off. During this time going from the fall 06 until March of 07 - I start really not liking my husband because he is changing - not the man I once knew and certainly not the father he once was to our now 3 kids. I know where he is - he is with these guys so I am not worried about him cheating on me - but they have, like I said, no family priorities. Our relationship heads south. In March 07 we went out on a date and it went downhill that night- I asked him to leave and I told him I thought we should seperate. I wasn't getting in his head how awful and selfish he was being. So he leaves and goes to his parents house. The next day he comes home to eat dinner with the kids (my daughter who is 8 wanted daddy to come for dinner). He comes and I head to the bathroom to just get myself together. He comes in and begins crying and talking, telling me I am to love of his life and if I give up then there really is no us and he is willing to do whatever it takes to get us back - yadda yadda yadda. We spend a great deal of time talking and working on the family. He starts to stay away from the "guys". Things are getting better.

Fast forward to last week. I get a call at about 830 at night from some woman who wouldn't identify herself - she knows my name and tells me my husband is having an affair on me and has been off and on for 8+ years - since I was pregnant with my daughter. I ask her name, she won't give it to me, how she knows this and she says her husband works with my husband and my hubby was bragging/talking about it. She told me to check my phone records and that is how I would know. She seemed sincere, kind of. I don't have caller -id so I couldn't get her #. Funny thing was she knew details of his affair when I was pregnant whith my son 11 years ago. Only a few people from my dh work knew about that and it wasn't because he confirmed it. The woman who was with him told people there.

I call him at work - he works afternoons - and I tell him he better talk to me as though I was GOD and start explaining. He tells me that no he is not having an affair and that no he has not since the one 11 years ago. He keeps talking - swearing no, nothing has happened since then. He comes home and we talk and talk and talk and then he tells me that no he is not having an affair and that I can feel free to call anyone at his work and ask questions. He feels that someone at his work is setting him up becuase he has been causing some problems at work and getting people in trouble (this is true). He feels that this call is malicious. So... he then tells me that he has been talking to a woman that was supposed to be a potential customer for his side business. Well the job fell through because her dh bought equipment that my dh would have used, but meanwhile they became friends and talked quite frequently over the phone. They never met or anything but they had a phone friendship and that it was purley platonic. She calls him on his way home from work or on his way into work. They spend quite a bit of time on the phone - 30 minutes etc.... since last July 06.

I am sick. I don't know what to do. I pulled the phone records and I have even tried to call this woman - she won't pick up her phone. He and I have been talking and he swears there is no affair anywhere - not with this woman and not at work - like the caller told me. I have been married 15 years. Things were just staring to get back on track. I have 3 kids and I am scared for their future. I told him that maybe his phone caller friend ins't a sexual affair but it is an emotional affair and I feel betrayed by this, hurt and angry.

What advice do you have? I have been with this man since I have been 15 years old and we have been together 20 years in total. I am very lost and could use some subjective input on this.

Thanks
Michelle

 

[TBGOES2DISNEY]

I am so sorry this is happening to you! This is one of my worst fears, and I actually have no reason to believe my DH would do that to me. My only advice would be to set out on a search for the truth. You have to know what really happened before you decide what to do. I'll keep you in my prayers!

 

[disneystick]

Very sorry for all that you have been thru. Some folks would say...if you have the funds, hire a detective to find out for sure. Or if you rather not, maybe some marriage counseling? Lots of time, couples need a outside third party to confirm or correct what you might be thinking about your relationship. Lots of prayers sent your way. But whatever happens...make sure it is the best for your children and yourself!!!

 

[rie'smom]

I agree-hire a detective. By the way, next time someone calls, dial *69 right after the call and that will usually give you the phone number of the caller.

 

[kdibattista]

First of all... I'm so sorry

I agree with the pp about hiring a private investigator. I would take it one step further and actually get DH to think that I am ok with his explanations and continue as if we are ok. If he suspects anything, he will back off from whatever he is doing. I hope his explanation is right but if you have been suspicious, as you say, for the past 10 years, I would bet there is good reason for that. Either way... you deserve better.

Best of luck

 

[jtoast]

From a mans perspective....

1) If he will cheated once, he will cheat again if the opportunity presents itself.

2) In general, men do not have regular 30 minute phone conversations...much less a 30 minute phone conversation with someone we are not sleeping with. We call, we ask a question, we get an answer, we hang up..end of convesation. Chit-Chat is just not usually part of our mindset.

With that said, there are those few exceptions to the "no chit-chat" rule and after 15 years, you should know if your husband is one of them. Think back...does he call anyone else he knows and talk for that length of time? If the answer is no, you can be pretty sure something is going on.

 

[hebbynan]

Here is the point of view of a woman who cheated and learned her lesson...There are the small percentage of us who have cheated and actually learned our lesson from it. Without too much detail....my husband (fiance at the time) was going out with his friends to bars all the time and was ignoring me. Someone else started paying attention to me and one thing led to another.......long story short, I came to my senses, told DH, we went to counseling and over 12 years later we're happily married with 2 kids. However, it took me years and I mean YEARS to build back up that trust that I so selfishly shattered. I learned my lesson and now thank God for all that I could have lost!! To me, and this is just my humble opinion, I would seek counseling. It sounds as though your DH might have some other issues that he needs to deal with. If he's so in love with you, why does he feel the need to keep in contact with another woman and confide in her? Isn't that what spouses are for? I tell DH everything! There is nothing that is off limits-even if it's hurtful. The company that he likes to keep in his friends sounds questionable too. I think you are right to be worried. He may be telling you the truth that he is not involved in an affair romantically right now, but having a woman "friend" like he described isn't all that healthy either. I wish you luck in whatever you decide and know that you aren't alone. There are many others out there going through the same thing. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that it will work out for you in the end.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

JToast - He has said exactly what you said in #2 but about other things - you know guys don't ask details - they get what they need to know and then move on.

What is happening is that she is calling him for the most part. There is no cold calling from him so to speak. Somewhere along the road these 2 became friends and she calls him. He has an hour ride home from work and they talk. He told me that back in March when I asked him to leave - they talked after I kicked him out and what she said helped him to see the light of what I was saying so to speak. He said sometimes people go to therapists to talk - and that she and he talked and that helped him. I said that I was the one he was supposed to talk to. He said that I wasn't available - he was right. At that point I shut down and I was just getting by day by day.

He has always had friends that were girls. He is one of those guys that you can just talk to - I can't - but other women can. It has been that way since we were young. He has told me that the "opportunity" to cheat again has presented itself but that he wasn't interested because "he has too much to lose - me, his kids, his home, his life".

I told him yesterday that if I find that he is or has cheated - We are done - the kids and I. I said that if I found out he has been lying - we are gone. I told him I deserve better than this and that if he has any respect for me he will just end our marriage if he is cheating - there won't be any having his cake and eating it too.

 

[natenapril]

When my Dh and I were just dating we were having alot of problems so he started talking to a girl alot about our problems. Eventually it became sexual. I personally do no think a woman will put that much work and friendship into a relationship and not want something out of it.
12 years later I am not sure I have gotten over the hurt. Not as muxh from the sexual part but more from the part that he trusted another woman with all of his feelings.
I would confront the woman calmly with her DH there. No tears and dramatics. Just the facts. Ask her why she feels she should call YOUR dh so much EVERYDAY.
JMHO.

 

[pha1226]

I wouldn't hire a private detective and definitely wouldn't contact the other woman. At this point, it doesn't really matter if he's sleeping with her. They have some level of intimacy or they wouldn't have that much to talk about. The bottom line is that you can't trust him. I think you both need counseling to talk through all of this. I also think it's not really her problem. HE'S the one in a committed relationship and it's HIS responsibility to protect it.

 

[Golden Rose]

Michelle,

It sounds like he is having what a friend's marriage counselor referred to as "an emotional affair", whether or not he is actually sleeping with her.

I have a friend whose husband had no prior history of cheating, but got very emotionally intimate with a woman who was having trouble in her marriage. They apparently were just close friends and she wanted someone to talk to "who truly understood her". He apparently didn't think it would hurt his relationship with his wife, since they never actually slept together. The wife became aware of the situation, (and at first was convinced they were sleeping together) and suggested they go in for counseling. He agreed since he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. Their counselor called it an emotional affair, and said that those can actually be at least as destructive as physical affairs because the participants feel so close to each other. When the emotional bonds between your spouse and another person are closer than between you and your spouse, you have trouble.

That friend did not manage to save her marriage. She wanted to. He didn't. He just didn't feel that close to her anymore, and they didn't have kids to make it more complicated.

I don't know if your husband is cheating on you, and I don't know how you could find out for certain if your worries have already put him on edge and have caused him to change his behavior. I do believe that if he is talking that much that often to a particular woman, he probably feels a pretty close bond to her, and that isn't good for you.

I, personally, would immediately try to find a good marriage counselor. Unfortunately, not all counselors are good... and I think a bad one can be worse than no counselor at all! Ask for reccommendations from people you know who have seen one in the past. Close friends probably won't mind sharing suggestions with you.

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I hope it helps.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Golden Rose - this is what I want to hear - I think.

I am looking for suggestions. I am looking for what has maybe happened to other people to help them see the light. I want to save my marriage but if I can't - then I can't. I got married with the intention "come hell or high water" so to speak.
I want to believe in the good of him and that maybe this woman needed something out of my husband to fill the void in her own bad marriage - and I want to believe that my husband wasn't trying to fill a void but truly felt they were helping each other.

Who knows. I am 36 years old with 3 kids and I have given him the last 20 years of my life without any doubts - I have been physically and emotionally faithful for all of these years and guess what I deserve that back! That much I know for sure.

Keep the suggestions coming guys - it really helps to see others perspectives on this - really it does.

Thank you all
Michelle

 

[brandip22]

Wow, I can't believe I found this today. About 9 years ago, before we got married, DH was sleeping with a married woman while we were broken up. Supposedly, he never did while we were together, but I never really believed that- there's more to that background stroy, but I'll leave it at that for now. So now, after 7 years of marriage, a four y/o DS and trying for another for 2 years, I come across something similar. I went online this AM to pay our cell phone bill and noticed it higher than normal, so I looked at the charges. Turns out DH had several calls and texts to a number I didn't recognize, but it was a number from back home. I researched it and found out it was that same woman from 9 years ago. Dh knows I can't stand this woman and vowed lon gago never to talk to her again. She contacted him on his myspace a while back and he said he'd have nothing to do with her. Well, I guess that was wrong. Anyway, I don't know what is going on either, but I understand your feelings completely right now. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat more. I don't want to hijack, but wanted you to see I'm in your shoes kinda and we could compare, gripe, complain, whatever. Good luck and my prayers are with you.

 

[barkley]

When my Dh and I were just dating we were having alot of problems so he started talking to a girl alot about our problems. Eventually it became sexual. I personally do no think a woman will put that much work and friendship into a relationship and not want something out of it.
12 years later I am not sure I have gotten over the hurt. Not as muxh from the sexual part but more from the part that he trusted another woman with all of his feelings.
I would confront the woman calmly with her DH there. No tears and dramatics. Just the facts. Ask her why she feels she should call YOUR dh so much EVERYDAY.
JMHO.

i can't speak to the motivations of the 'other woman' in the op, or other women in general-but i have to say that there are women like myself who simply are more comfortable in friendships with men and have no desires or motivations other than maintaining a purely platonic friendship.

i have always been more comfortable having friendships with men-it goes back to my childhood. i have friendships with men that go back over 30 years, and yes we have confided in each other and asked for advice in our romances and our marriages. i have found that while my dh has no issue with this (he has female friends he has known for over 30 years that i am not particularly close to and i have no objection to them being friends), more often than not it is the women in thier lives who are concerned. with some i have told them to not contact me because i do not feel that any friendship that is perceived by one partner as threatening to their marriage is beneficial, with some it's only come with time and what i tend to think is trust that must have been lacking in the early years of their marriages that we've been able to reestablish our contact and friendship.

not to take this thread off topic, but i just felt i had to say-not all women who invest time, interest and concern in a unrelated man are out for anything more than the same type of friendship that most women take for granted with the members of their same sex.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

UPDATE:

Well I called the number on my way home from work and left a message on it - saying leave my husband alone look for whatever is missing in your own marriage - there are kids involved - yadda yadda.

SHE CALLED ME BACK!

She is the same woman from 11 years ago - thought the names were too similar... She said that the relationship is physical and emotional and that she ended it a couple of weeks ago.

I got home called dh at work and told him to get his you know what home.

He came home and told me all of it and I told him go to he... and that we are over to get out.

What a strange feeling this is. I can't eat since Thursday and I can't sleep and I am in knots. I hate what he has done to me and to our family. I hate him.

thanks for your input everyone.

Michelle

 

[ntburns22]

I am on my way out the door. But the DIS is full of great people with info. My DH has also had an affair in the past 6 months. Now today he is living with her and I am expecting our 3rd child. I have my bad days and my good days, but I know I will get thourgh it and don't deserve to be treated that way by any man. We have been together for 12 years since I was 16 and married for 8 of those years.

 

[jtoast]

Sorry to hear this

Be strong and stay firm. You deserve better.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Like I said - I have been with him since I was 15 years old - I am 36 and this is not how my life was supposed to turn out. I got married to be that way forever. What now? This is uncharted territory for me.

For god's sakes we were supposed to go on a family vacation next week - take the kids camping. My 11 year olds crying because we will never get a camper again. And he wants to talk to his dad - who left to go home to mommy and daddy's house. So my 11 y/o calls him at 12:20am and guess what - that stupid stupid man comes home to our house and puts up a tent in the yard because "he needs to be close to his kids" - what an idiot! Don't you think he should have thought about that 10 months ago!!!!!!! I am sorry I am venting, I am just soooo dang angry. My mo-in-law came over last night crying asking me if there was any way we could work this out - YA RIGHT! no way - I am so over this.

For all of you that have responded and are in the same or like situation - hang in there, I will say a pray for you that it doesn't turn out like my situation.

Michelle

 

[wilderness01]

Michelle, I am so sorry. Hang in there. Be strong for your kids, they will need it.

NTBurns, I had no idea you were pregnant.

You both deserve so much more. I hope you can find peace and happiness once more.

 

[jtoast]

I am 40 now and was divorced, after 10 years, 4 years ago so I understand what you are going through (granted, I am used to being the primary breadwinner so maybe I don't completely understand).

It was several months before I quit sitting on the couch trying to figure out how things went bad...but after that I realized the how doesn't really matter. It did and I had to move forward with my life.

Stay strong, don't give in to the temptation of "just one more chance," and eventually you and the kids will get through this. Remember that you are not doing this just for yourself. The last thing you want to teach your son is that this is acceptable behaviour. He needs to learn that not everything can be easily forgiven.