need advice from older & wiser disers!

[DramaQueen]

hey all, i'm a frequenter of the tb (even though i'm 20 hehe) but i thought that the cb would be a good place to get advice for this matter....sorry if this turns into a novel! but i could really use some good advice!

so i have a dsis (19) and she is very difficult to deal with. when we get along everything is great, but then there are other times when it's just impossible to deal with her! she has a terrible temper and a horrible attitude, not only with me but with my parents, and even grandparents!
i understand that it's just part of growing up, and the attitude i can usually deal with.

but what i need advice on is how to deal with her when it comes to another couple of issues. i keep my room very tidy, i take care of my clothes and my things, she is the opposite, her room is a pigsty and all her clothes (even NEW clothes) are all over the floor. now, i don't care what someone else's room looks like, but what she does, is she goes in my room without asking and wears my clothes and then leaves them on her floor and i don't see them for the next few weeks! and whenever i confront her about it, it turns into a huge fight where she acts like she did nothing wrong. if i happen to set foot in her room (to get MY clothes back) i get screamed at, pushed & shoved out for intruding in her room! almost every time i go into her room i find at least 3 articles of MY clothes in a crumpled up mess on the floor!!

this past wednesday, i saw her wearing a (brand new) sweater of mine, when i asked her if she could return it to my room when she was done with it (in order to avoid a huge fight) she explodes! and tells me that i 'go in her room all the time'. she claims i stole a reese's pb cup out of her room (yep, she's livid of a pb cup!, i know) and that since she can never have the pb cup back, technically she can take my sweater and tear it into pieces so that i can never wear it again...what kind of twisted logic is that!?

there's so much more to it than that, but i don't want to bore you with the details. my parents can't talk to her about it either because she has no problems throwing a hissy fit at them too. and i don't want OUR problem to be their responsibility, i think we should be old enough now to sort things out ourselves? i feel like being 19 and 20 we should be past this by now! and i just can't take it anymore!! (this thread is stemming from a recent incident where she has stolen [and hidden] my new $30 mac eye makeup brush, because she was angry at my for asking for my sweater back...)

i just need some advice as to how to deal with this situation. every time i try to calmly talk to her about it she erupts and acts like i'm attacking her and that she's done nothing wrong. i'm just at my wits end and could really use any advice you guys have to offer!

 

[binny]

is moving out an option?

I would be mad too and I think the only way youre going to be able to deal with this is by seperating yourself from her all together. She will grow up someday.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

hey all, i'm a frequenter of the tb (even though i'm 20 hehe) but i thought that the cb would be a good place to get advice for this matter....sorry if this turns into a novel! but i could really use some good advice!

so i have a dsis (19) and she is very difficult to deal with. when we get along everything is great, but then there are other times when it's just impossible to deal with her! she has a terrible temper and a horrible attitude, not only with me but with my parents, and even grandparents!
i understand that it's just part of growing up, and the attitude i can usually deal with.

but what i need advice on is how to deal with her when it comes to another couple of issues. i keep my room very tidy, i take care of my clothes and my things, she is the opposite, her room is a pigsty and all her clothes (even NEW clothes) are all over the floor. now, i don't care what someone else's room looks like, but what she does, is she goes in my room without asking and wears my clothes and then leaves them on her floor and i don't see them for the next few weeks! and whenever i confront her about it, it turns into a huge fight where she acts like she did nothing wrong. if i happen to set foot in her room (to get MY clothes back) i get screamed at, pushed & shoved out for intruding in her room! almost every time i go into her room i find at least 3 articles of MY clothes in a crumpled up mess on the floor!!

this past wednesday, i saw her wearing a (brand new) sweater of mine, when i asked her if she could return it to my room when she was done with it (in order to avoid a huge fight) she explodes! and tells me that i 'go in her room all the time'. she claims i stole a reese's pb cup out of her room (yep, she's livid of a pb cup!, i know) and that since she can never have the pb cup back, technically she can take my sweater and tear it into pieces so that i can never wear it again...what kind of twisted logic is that!?

there's so much more to it than that, but i don't want to bore you with the details. my parents can't talk to her about it either because she has no problems throwing a hissy fit at them too. and i don't want OUR problem to be their responsibility, i think we should be old enough now to sort things out ourselves? i feel like being 19 and 20 we should be past this by now! and i just can't take it anymore!! (this thread is stemming from a recent incident where she has stolen [and hidden] my new $30 mac eye makeup brush, because she was angry at my for asking for my sweater back...)

i just need some advice as to how to deal with this situation. every time i try to calmly talk to her about it she erupts and acts like i'm attacking her and that she's done nothing wrong. i'm just at my wits end and could really use any advice you guys have to offer!

If moving out isn't feasible, put a lock on your bedroom door and keep it locked. Then she can't get into your clothes...

 

[Linda in sunny SC]

Sounds like your sister is acting like a spoiled 2 yr old and that is very unattractive behavior for a 19 yr old. If I were you, I would put a sturdy keyed lock on my bedroom door and keep it locked when you aren't present. I'm sure your parents are aware that there is a problem. Ask them for permission to install the lock. Tell them it will reduce your stress and consequently reduce tension in the household. Also, once you have secured your belongings, don't even go near her room if it gives her an excuse for a tantrum. Hope this helps.

 

[diznygirl]

My younger brother was my cross to bear. I put a lock on my door and he figured out how to pick it. I moved away to college, and have only gone home for visits. He is still driving my mother nuts and he's 40 now. This is behavior that has to be nipped in the bud early or, as you can see, it continues forever.

I really feel for you. I was always told to ignore him. That was such bad advice. Your parents need to step in and take control of her discipline, and she could probably use some counseling to control her anger.

 

[Scurvy]

is moving out an option?

I would be mad too and I think the only way youre going to be able to deal with this is by seperating yourself from her all together. She will grow up someday.

If moving out isn't feasible, put a lock on your bedroom door and keep it locked. Then she can't get into your clothes...

These were going to be my suggestions as well. I'd approach your parents and explain the problem. Then tell them you don't expect them to intercede but that you can't live like this any longer, and ask to put a lock on your door. If they say "No", I would start looking for someplace else to live.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hello,

It almost sounds like your sister has some real underlying issues.
The kind that might need to be addressed with professional help
And, you are right, you are very wise and mature to know that you do not need to take on those battles.

However, securing your belongings is very important.
And, the invasion of privacy is even more important.
One should be able to keep others out of their space....

Until moving out is an option,
which I imagine may not be right away, since 20 is still fairly young,
(And, I am hoping that you are trying to go to school/work/etc...)
I would agree that the biggest thing is for you to be able to lock up and secure your stuff in some way.

Perhaps your parents would let you switch out your regular doorknob with one that locks with a key. Then, it would be just a switchout, without any extra drilling and hardware on your door. Check at places like Lowes.

If this is not an option, then install a LOCK on your closet.
Buy a nice locking chest.
You can secure a LOT of stuff this way, without locking your whole room.
Just leave misc. items like underclothes, junk, etc... in your dressers.

If your parents have a problem with you locking up your own personal closet, then there are other issues there, and you might want to look at moving out sooner rather than later.

 

[DramaQueen]

thanks for all the quick replies everyone!! i really appreciate your advice!
i'm still in university right now for another 2 years, so i can't afford to move out just yet as all my $ is going towards school!(and i do have a job as well) but moving out is definitely the #1 option once i'm out of school.

my parents wouldn't have a problem with me putting a lock on my door or locking my closet (in fact my mom suggested putting my valuables in a locked chest) but i was just hoping it wouldn't get to that point. i guess now it has though and there's nothing i can do about it. so i'll be off the the hardware store to get a lock asap.

my mom's been really helpful with everything, and we've both agreed that trying to stay away from confrontation is for the best, so i guess a lock it is.

Wishing on a star-- i think that you're right to say that there are underlying issues, her relationship with her bf isn't all that great (she's difficult & has a bad temper, he's difficult & has a bad temper, it just doesn't work all that well) so i think she has a few anger issues.

i just get really sad because i love my sister so much and when we do get along we're great friends and i wish it could always be like that! it's just hard when she yells at me and gives me attitude for everything.
she's the epitome of lazy, 4 times this month i had to remind her to FLUSH THE TOILET! it's just really hard to live (and have to share a bathroom) with someone like that.

 

[Anne MN]

first- if moving out is not an option- put a lock on bedroom door AND the closet. sis could probably pick a lock and having the extra lock will help.

second- there has to be underlying issues with sis if things are like that at home. parents have their "head in the sand" as far as her behavior.

Has sis been like this for a long time? or is is recent?

Long time- I would guess something like bipolar or something along those lines

recent- i would guess drugs

I have delt with both- have been helping a neighbor with her grandson who is bipolar- not fun when they get really worked up. He is over 18 and it makes it that much harder to get him help. if they are over 18 you have a lot of hoops to go thru to get them help- get them on a 72hr hold- go to court- yes he is a danger (this last time he was "mad" he broke his grandmas arm- first time he has put hands on) grandma had the means to make him get help- that is all she wanted- he had to get help for his anger and take his meds- or she would follow thru and press charges- he is back home now and doing a lot better.

 

[flafan]

Please be strong. It sounds like you are great girl with a good head on your shoulders. My sister and I are 18 months apart and we are best friends now (I am 46 and she is 45) but when I was your age we fought all the time. Please be patience and you guys will be just fine.

I would definetly put a lock on your things. Your sister needs to learn that there are boundaries. If she was nice about it and respected your things it would have never gotten to this point. She will learn in time when she realizes you mean business. Hang in there I am sure it will get worst before it gets better but it will get better.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted along the way.

 

[DramaQueen]

Please be strong. It sounds like you are great girl with a good head on your shoulders. My sister and I are 18 months apart and we are best friends now (I am 46 and she is 45) but when I was your age we fought all the time. Please be patience and you guys will be just fine.

I would definetly put a lock on your things. Your sister needs to learn that there our boundaries. If she was nice about it and respected your things it would have never gotten to this point. She will learn in time when she realizes you mean business. Hang in there I am sure it will get worst before it get better but it will get better.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted along the way.

thank you for the excellent advice!! i always try to think about things in the long term, that's why i'm trying to be as patient as possible so that i don't completely ruin our relationship!
like i said, when we do get along we are the best of friends! i'll just have to stick it out...and definitely get a lock i guess!

and Anne MN -- i'm 100% sure she's not bipolar or on drugs! she's just a redhead with a bad temper. we do talk about things like drinking/drugs etc and i'd definitely know if she were on drugs. thank you for your advice though!!

 

[lovepurple]

Your sister sounds a lot like my sister. Growing up she always stole my clothes and other belongings. It's like she felt entitled to it. We got into some awful fights. One day while at school I saw one of her friends wearing a shirt of mine. So she not only stole my stuff but she would give it to other people. We are now in our 30's and she still likes to take my stuff. We live in different states but when she visits something usually comes up missing. She will "borrow" socks or pants or something and they will end up going home with her never to be seen again. My sister was diagnosed as bipolar though about 10 years ago. I'm not sure how you can deal with it other than hiding anything that is really valuable to you.

 

[Tinijocaro]

hey all, i'm a frequenter of the tb (even though i'm 20 hehe) but i thought that the cb would be a good place to get advice for this matter....sorry if this turns into a novel! but i could really use some good advice!

so i have a dsis (19) and she is very difficult to deal with. when we get along everything is great, but then there are other times when it's just impossible to deal with her! she has a terrible temper and a horrible attitude, not only with me but with my parents, and even grandparents!
i understand that it's just part of growing up, and the attitude i can usually deal with.

but what i need advice on is how to deal with her when it comes to another couple of issues. i keep my room very tidy, i take care of my clothes and my things, she is the opposite, her room is a pigsty and all her clothes (even NEW clothes) are all over the floor. now, i don't care what someone else's room looks like, but what she does, is she goes in my room without asking and wears my clothes and then leaves them on her floor and i don't see them for the next few weeks! and whenever i confront her about it, it turns into a huge fight where she acts like she did nothing wrong. if i happen to set foot in her room (to get MY clothes back) i get screamed at, pushed & shoved out for intruding in her room! almost every time i go into her room i find at least 3 articles of MY clothes in a crumpled up mess on the floor!!

this past wednesday, i saw her wearing a (brand new) sweater of mine, when i asked her if she could return it to my room when she was done with it (in order to avoid a huge fight) she explodes! and tells me that i 'go in her room all the time'. she claims i stole a reese's pb cup out of her room (yep, she's livid of a pb cup!, i know) and that since she can never have the pb cup back, technically she can take my sweater and tear it into pieces so that i can never wear it again...what kind of twisted logic is that!?

there's so much more to it than that, but i don't want to bore you with the details. my parents can't talk to her about it either because she has no problems throwing a hissy fit at them too. and i don't want OUR problem to be their responsibility, i think we should be old enough now to sort things out ourselves? i feel like being 19 and 20 we should be past this by now! and i just can't take it anymore!! (this thread is stemming from a recent incident where she has stolen [and hidden] my new $30 mac eye makeup brush, because she was angry at my for asking for my sweater back...)

i just need some advice as to how to deal with this situation. every time i try to calmly talk to her about it she erupts and acts like i'm attacking her and that she's done nothing wrong. i'm just at my wits end and could really use any advice you guys have to offer!

Put a lock on your door. Problem solved.

 

[barkley]

i have a sibling with this type of behaviour-not bi-polar or drug/alcohol behaviour. he learned from an early age that mom would do anything to 'keep the peace' so if caught he'd throw a fit and viola! no consequences.

if he wanted something he just took it. my other siblings would complain and complain-but none would ever confront him or step up and press charges (it went from inexpensive stuff to jewlery, firearms, money-whatever he could get funds from). mom's solution? told us to lock everything up.

i refused to live like that-i told him, steal once from me and it will be the last time, i have NO hesitations about reporting it to the police. even if the police refuse to get involved and say it's a civil matter it will still be documented with them.

apparantly he's never wanted to test me on it-i'm the only sibling of his he's never so much as tried to steal from.

stand your ground on the clothes issue-if your parents won't back you up and you can't move get locks-but if she so much as picks or manages to by-pass one once consider reporting it to the police. so long as she's allowed to get away with this behaviour it's sending a message that you are accepting of it. don't accept it.

 

[momof1princess]

i have to reiterate the advice to get a lock, but before you lock your room, make sure you've gotten ALL of your belongings back from her. she definitely has issues and once she realizes what you've done, it's going to be ugly and anything of yours that is still in her possession will be a casualty of her tantrum. good luck!

 

[diznygirl]

The "non-confrontational" approach is probably also followed up with the "no-consequences" approach. Your sister will never change if this is how it's being handled.

Does she value your friendship? Is there anything your parents could use as leverage to get her to change her bahavior? She's 19 now - she shouldn't be acting like a child needing a time out - but she needs consequences or she will continue.