Need advice again....autistic friend

[Sabeking]

Hi I posted a few months back about my DD and an autistic girl she has befriended. It dealt with a cell phone and since has resolved itself.

The situation includes many instances but I will only highlight a few due to time constraints. My DD and this young lady, let's call her Sarah (not her real name) have now entered their first year of high school. My DD is introducing her to new friends she has and again has included her in on lunch each day. She cares greatly for her but is struggling with some boundaries. If my DD wants to eat lunch outside Sarah will cry and get angry with her because she does not like to go outside. My DD goes to the library after lunch each day to study...she has lots of academic issues. Sarah follows her and my DD has told her that she cannot talk because she has studying to do. Sarah will not stop talking. My DD warned her that she will move if it continues, it did and my DD moved. Sarah started spamming her with nasty texts accusing her of not being a friend. If DD talks to other kids Sarah gets upset frequently and storms off. Sarah has lost a lot of weight and refuses to eat during lunch.

My DD truly wants to be a friend to this girl. The week before school started my DD was there and got her locker assignment. She found Sarah's a few rows down from her and on the locker was graffiti with a picture of a guy's private part on it. DD called the school herself and asked the principal if it could be removed because she doesn't want Sarah to have to deal with whatever would come her way. I appreciate the care my DD has for her but I am thinking its time for her to get a little firm . She is walking a tight line here. I did call SArahs mom today to make her aware of what's going on. She was very thankful and open. She said she definitely needed to begin by taking Sarah's phone away. She also said that she would speak with her husband as to how they could deal with Sarah. My question of course is how does my DD be firm with this girl but not hurt her feelings. OR is this even possible. Thanks in advance for your advice!

 

[gap2368]

Kids with autism have a hard time with social ques. I think letting the parents know will help sarah out is she talking to a theriprst. Your DD seems to be very good friend

 

[Sabeking]

Kids with autism have a hard time with social ques. I think letting the parents know will help sarah out is she talking to a theriprst. Your DD seems to be very good friend

Mom said that hey have been doing some role playing but thought it was time for them to get a therapist.

 

[gap2368]

A theriprst can help I work with someone wth autism and it can take a lot for them but I think your daughter is doing great I would tell your daughter to let sarah know that she has other friends and some times needs to be with them and do other things like studding

 

[jenineh]

She needs a behavioral specialist. Someone who can teach her skills that come natural to a neurotypical person. It's up to the parents to get her what she needs.

 

[tinkerpea]

I would make sure your daughter spends time with friends other then this girl,
It's a huge amount of responsibility for your daughter, and while I totally commend her, she needs to make sure she can see " typical" friends too.

The only way that this girl will learn is if your daughter keeps her boundaries and stays firm about spending time in tye library in peace, and seeing other people, even if ( Sarah) gets upset.
I think you was totally right about speaking to the mum, and hopefully the mum will be able to go through social story's to help her understand how your daughter feels about the texts

 

[Sabeking]

She needs a behavioral specialist. Someone who can teach her skills that come natural to a neurotypical person. It's up to the parents to get her what she needs.

I agree , but in the mean time how does she set boundaries without making this girl cry? She has spoken to her firmly and nicely. It doesn't seem to make a difference she gets upset when she doesn't get what she wants from my DD.

ETA: my DD is saying she is feeling guilty that Sarah is crying all the time and it's her fault. I am trying to tell her that as long as she is being respectful she can't control how Sarah responds.

 

[aaarcher86]

I agree , but in the mean time how does she set boundaries without making this girl cry? She has spoken to her firmly and nicely. It doesn't seem to make a difference she gets upset when she doesn't get what she wants from my DD.

ETA: my DD is saying she is feeling guilty that Sarah is crying all the time and it's her fault. I am trying to tell her that as long as she is being respectful she can't control how Sarah responds.

She can't. It's just how she's going to react.

If your dd can just try to be as direct as possible it would probably help. Take out the ambiguity of that makes sense.

"If I'm in the library I am there to study. We can't talk in the library. We can talk when I leave." Not a lot of factors that. We'd to be interpreted.

Behavioral therapy would really help her friend. It's not your DD's fault. Unfortunately strong and unreasonable reactions are part of the disability.

 

[aaarcher86]

I thought this article was great. I don't know if it would help your dd understand her friends reactions and realize they aren't her fault, but if it would maybe she can read it.

I know it's about younger kids but it's the same concept.

https://www.scarymommy.com/im-sorry-its-the-aspergers/

 

[Sabeking]

I thought this article was great. I don't know if it would help your dd understand her friends reactions and realize they aren't her fault, but if it would maybe she can read it.

I know it's about younger kids but it's the same concept.

https://www.scarymommy.com/im-sorry-its-the-aspergers/

Yes, good article. I will definitely have my DD read it. I do think she does understand why she acts that way and that is why she has such a difficult time being firm because she knows that "Sarah" has autism. She told me she doesnt want to be the reason she is sad. Unfortunately, that's unrealistic.

 

[Sabeking]

She can't. It's just how she's going to react.

If your dd can just try to be as direct as possible it would probably help. Take out the ambiguity of that makes sense.

"If I'm in the library I am there to study. We can't talk in the library. We can talk when I leave." Not a lot of factors that. We'd to be interpreted.

Behavioral therapy would really help her friend. It's not your DD's fault. Unfortunately strong and unreasonable reactions are part of the disability.

Good advice...thanks aaarcher!

 

[mamabunny]

Yes, good article. I will definitely have my DD read it. I do think she does understand why she acts that way and that is why she has such a difficult time being firm because she knows that "Sarah" has autism. She told me she doesnt want to be the reason she is sad. Unfortunately, that's unrealistic.

I just wanted to say that you have raised a child with a beautiful heart. I hope that she knows how very special she is!

 

[Sabeking]

I just wanted to say that you have raised a child with a beautiful heart. I hope that she knows how very special she is!

Thank you so much! She has her not so great moments like all teenagers but I will say I'm pretty blessed.

 

[DLgal]

The best way to deal with people with autism is to make black and white rules, as suggested.

Have your daughter NOT get emotional in her interactions and not to take crying personally. My autistic kids cry ALL the time but it is because they cannot regulate their emotional responses. I don't take it personally and neither should your daughter.

The eating outside thing I totally understand. One of my sons is like that. He hates flying insects, heat, too much wind, etc. Being outside to eat is a sensory nightmare. However, your daughter can handle this by simply telling the friend, as early in the day as possible, "today I will eat lunch outside but tomorrow I will eat inside again. Do you want to try eating outside with me or will you stay inside today?" Same thing with the library. "I need to work on my studies every day in the library. You can come with me but only if you also do schoolwork quietly because we can't talk in the library. I will get bad grades if I don't study every day so it is very important that I go."

When she sends nasty texts, tell your daughter to respond "That was a very mean thing to say. That text made me feel very angry/sad/hurt. Please don't text mean things like that or I can't keep being your friend and that would make me super sad."

People often think autistic kids don't have empathy, but the opposite is often true. However, they may not realize that THEY caused a person to feel upset. Once they know, they will feel super awful about it and try very hard not to repeat their error.

 

[TheDisneyDoll]

Your daughter has to in a sense let the autism part go. Treating "sarah" special because she is different isn't the right way to handle this kind of situation. Autistic kids like being in a routine so they like to do the same things around the same time everyday.
DLgal has the best advice i've read on this page. If your daughter tells her about something different she wants to do or she wants something a certain way in the morning and then repeats it to her over and over it will help, but it won't make it perfect.

Using the sitting outside thing as an example. Just saying everyday "I might sit outside today, if i sit outside you can stay inside or you can sit with me outside." From what i've experience with my autistic sisters is that when they have a choice like staying inside or outside, but understand the consequence of staying inside they may eat alone, it makes the decision easier for them.

For your daughter her best bet is to stay calm and even toned and make her decision.
Avoiding use of sarcasm or even certain jokes when directly talking to sarah can avoid confusion.

When your daughter goes to the library the best way to combat the talking is by giving her a task she enjoy. If your daughter has the patience (it sounds like she does) have her set rules with sarah. Before going into the library be very firm that this is study time, not time to talk. Have her advise sarah to study something (whether for academics or fun). Giving her the task of finding a book to read through about something she enjoys and keeping quiet while your daughter studies can be very effective.
that being said even reading she may get excited and want to show her something, which i know from experience can be frustrating or annoying but taking the couple seconds to respond makes a HUGE difference.
Autistic kids tend to express emotions in a point blank manner. Being upset could make them cry, being happy could make them laugh, even if they only feel a small bit of one or the other it can be displayed in an extreme manner.
All that being said friendship should not revolve around feeling bad because someone is different. Sarah is not going to change a lot of her behaviors over night if at all. Being friends with someone who is autistic can be confusing, but if sarah things of your daughter as her friend as well it probably means she cares deeply for her and really enjoys her company. Even in her moments of anger and frustration.

Also just because i'm thinking of it now and i don't know how to add it in above, Autistic kids can get frustrated with themselves when they don't know what to say or how to communicate their emotions. It could come out in a way towards your daughter but more than likely is more about themselves, especially in those moments of crying and anger about going outside. Sarah might be feeling that she hasn't expressed why she doesn't want to go outside well enough for your daughter to understand her reasons, even if your daughter completely understands it's all about how sarah is feeling. With that taking the time during an outburst to remain calm and slow down a little saying i understand you don't like this and that is okay but it doesn't mean i don't want to enjoy it, and you don't have too.

 

[jenineh]

I agree , but in the mean time how does she set boundaries without making this girl cry? She has spoken to her firmly and nicely. It doesn't seem to make a difference she gets upset when she doesn't get what she wants from my DD.

ETA: my DD is saying she is feeling guilty that Sarah is crying all the time and it's her fault. I am trying to tell her that as long as she is being respectful she can't control how Sarah responds.

My son was "that" kid (Asperger's). The one who wanted a friend and clinged to the ones who were nice to him. I had to get him a behavioral specialist to help him learn boundaries among other things. My suggestion for now would be to keep speaking with the parents and maybe a guidance counselor. The guidance dept. in my sons school had some lunch groups set up for kids like mine called friendship groups and it really helped him. I think your daughter is an amazing kid befriending this young lady. I can say that because my son maybe had 2-3 kids who were kind to him in school and he was fine when he learned the skills he needed to be in a friendship. I will forever be grateful to the few kids who were kind to him. They have no idea the impact they made on my son. Especially when he was bullied and felt alone. On the flip side I can see all of your points as my younger son who does not have Asperger's has befriended a couple of kids on the spectrum. It's not easy unless you have experience with it. I truly hope the other parents in this situation step up and get her everything she needs so that it is easier for your daughter to continue to be her friend. BTW....Congrats to you to being great parents.

 

[gap2368]

The best way to deal with people with autism is to make black and white rules, as suggested.

Have your daughter NOT get emotional in her interactions and not to take crying personally. My autistic kids cry ALL the time but it is because they cannot regulate their emotional responses. I don't take it personally and neither should your daughter.

The eating outside thing I totally understand. One of my sons is like that. He hates flying insects, heat, too much wind, etc. Being outside to eat is a sensory nightmare. However, your daughter can handle this by simply telling the friend, as early in the day as possible, "today I will eat lunch outside but tomorrow I will eat inside again. Do you want to try eating outside with me or will you stay inside today?" Same thing with the library. "I need to work on my studies every day in the library. You can come with me but only if you also do schoolwork quietly because we can't talk in the library. I will get bad grades if I don't study every day so it is very important that I go."

When she sends nasty texts, tell your daughter to respond "That was a very mean thing to say. That text made me feel very angry/sad/hurt. Please don't text mean things like that or I can't keep being your friend and that would make me super sad."

People often think autistic kids don't have empathy, but the opposite is often true. However, they may not realize that THEY caused a person to feel upset. Once they know, they will feel super awful about it and try very hard not to repeat their error.

I was reading this and was like this is like the person I work with she is very black and white and need set rules she will often get angry at something and take it out on me even thought I had nothing to do with it a little while latter she will feel bad about what ever just happened.

 

[Sabeking]

Thank you all so much for this advice! Things went better today, she was matter of fact during study time and did not react to Sarah. I am grateful for the info you all have given. My DD has academic challenges as well, she has ADD, LD and dyslexia so struggling is second nature to her. However, God has blessed her with a sincere heart. She is a working actress/ model, on the JV volleyball team, dating the star football player and well liked by most of her peers. I know it is bragging but I say this to tell you that she has a lot of kids watching her. She takes that very seriously and knows that other kids may emulate her behavior. Last year she made it a priority to welcome Sarah with her group and she has done it again in her new high school. She wants to learn how best to handle this in case others are wondering as well. DD feels humbled to have a friend like Sarah and is thankful that she is a part of her life!