need advice about daughter

[Mommy2three]

Hi all! I am in need of advice as I am not sure what to do. She has done this about 4 other times to her dad and now she has done it to me. She has made up stories before that her dad punched her in the stomach and eye and told her teacher at school so social services came over to talk to us back in november when it supposedly happened, they obviously found nothing. Well social worker (the same one) came back over yesterday to our house and said she had another report that kyla said i punched her in the face in the car right before i dropped her off at school on monday, i did no such thing. the social reporter said she knew it was a bunch of bologna when she heard the report as kyla is known as crying wolf now for the several times before that shes done this but she still had to come out and investigate. Kyla is only 6 years old. Kyla had told the office monday that I had done that to her and she still stuck to her story on friday that I had done that to her when the social worker came to talk to her. DH thinks she should not be punished for this lying behavior, but i've had enough. Now since Ive had a report taken on me by social services I can't work in the child care field for 5 years. He doesnt seem to understand that, and he is taking her side and not supporting me whatsoever on this. I have already told her she is not participating in the birthday party on sunday that was supposed to be her and her brothers party together, and now it will only be her brothers. I also think she should be grounded and not get to do anything fun this weekend. What can I do to stop this behavior? She knew exactly what she did wrong when she came home from school. She didn't need to be told. And when I asked her if i punched her in the face she said no you didnt punch me in the face, but couldnt come up with a reason why she would say something like that.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

I do think a punishment is in order and the plan you have for the weekend seems reasonable. However, there seems to be something else going on here. Why does she seek attention in this fashion? Are there younger sibs in the home who demand much of the attention and there is not much time left for her? After the punishment is behind you, I would take a look at each parent spending more one on one time with her without the sibs. Make sure there are activities that are hers alone. Give her a chance to shine in the light of positive attention and maybe she won't seek the attention in such a criminal fashion.

 

[ntburns22]

When I worked in childcare we had a girl do this all the time too. She was about 10. After her mom explained time and time again to this girl what she was doing was wrong. It still didn't stop. So on a friday she had a friend of the family come and "take" her daughter out of the home. SHe spent the weekend with her "foster" family. Come sunday she realized how good she had it at home and the behavior stopped. It is kind of tough love but it worked for her.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Can you explain to her that YOU will get in trouble when she lies, so much trouble that maybe she will have to live with people she doesn't know? She wouldn't be able to see you, wouldn't get to have the hugs and special loving that only a mommy can give.

Jackie

 

[Marseeya]

OMG, get that kid into counseling! I wouldn't hesitate!

My DS did something similar when he was three, but luckily we didn't have to go through child services. DH and I had just gotten married and DS had this little mark on his foot from a bad mosquito bite. When DH questioned him about it, DS told him that his daycare sitter burnt him with a cigarette. I rushed home from work and when I saw the mark I explained to DH what it was, plus I knew that nobody smoked in the daycare sitter's home! He started counseling when he was 5, and turns out he's bipolar. I'm not saying that's what's wrong with your DD, but I really think you should get her some professional help.

Try not to get too angry with her and reserve punishment until you can get to the bottom of her lies.

 

[Mommy2three]

she is in counseling, has been for a few months now. She knows what happens when she lies, her dad was put in handcuffs and taken to jail right in front of her one time for that kind of behavior and she had to go live with her aunt for a month. I am stepmom, birth mom has nothing to do with her or her brother. She knows and calls me mom, she does know her birth mom though. This is the first time shes lashed out at me like this before. Last weekend she tried to hit me when i was discipling her. I love her like shes my own as i do her brother to. Her brother is younger and I just had a baby girl in october. I always make sure i spend extra time with her after school until bed time. She will come and cuddle with me on the couch and watch tv or a movie. Her dad is only home on weekends as he is a truck driver. It deeply hurt me that she did this. Her counseler is testing her for attatchment disorder. She remembers when her birth mom abandoned her at 2 years of age, left her and her brother at a babysitters (dad was in the army at the time at was overseas) and she never came back to get them, dad was flown home to take the kids, her brother was only 2 months at the time, so he knows nothing of his mom, i am the only one he knows as mom. birth mom is in jail right now for not paying child support. she only comes around every few months to see the kids anyways. we are hoping to get her rights terminated so i can legally adopt them. all advice is much appreciated

 

[Stacerita]

I think the punishment you have for the weekend is appropriate. She needs to know that there are consequences for her actions. You husband needs to support you on that. I know it must be hard for him to have to discipline her on the weekend especially after you mentioned that he is gone during the week. But if she doesn't see that she will be in trouble for lying like that, she might keep on doing it. I am glad to see she is in counseling. I would think with her birth mom abandoning her she would have some issues with that. But from your last post it looks like you are doing exactly what I would do if I was in your situation. You have her in counseling and you spend the alone time with her that kids need. It looks like you are a loving and supportive parent. Keep her in counseling and get to the bottom of why she is lying.

 

[kilee]

I really like the idea of faux foster care. She is going to get someone into serious trouble someday. Those are quite the accusations she's coming up with. Maybe if she gets scared by being "taken away" she will knock it off.

My sister was a wild one at about 12- and my parents went as far as making her pack all her stuff for storage and then 1 single bag for the detention center-- drove her to the detention center-- and she was just 100% heartbroken- blubbering like a baby-- begging for 1 more chance. It really did work- she got scared enough she definetly changed her ways. The thought they were really going to take her inside was enough to leave an impression---still 15 years later she talks about it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

No matter that you are "home" for this kid during the week, she feels abandoned. Also, you have more children with her dad to further the loss of her bond with him (look through her eyes).

So what does she do? She lashes out with what she knows. As she ages this will esculate to drugs, boyfriends, pregnancies, running away, sibling fighting, or worse things.
On top of that your dh leaves you to discipline her & you are not on the same page. So she has your number, you are dead meat. (I hope you at least see THAT.)

This kid needs her dad. He needs to find a way to work so he is home everyday. That should be his goal. I know as a trucker it can be done but it does take some time to find work like that. He should be thinking long term. Believe me, you WILL BE fighting over this later, think about it.

At the very least, I recommend marriage counseling because the two of you need to get it together with discipline with her. (That is with any parent, your situation is tougher, near impossible.)
This "lying" will be the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to come if you don't find the direction you need to take. Get it together NOW!
This is your dry run of what is to come.

Also I suggest she never sees the birth mom again. She is hoping for her to come and "take her away" and has "family fantasies".
I would not pursue that relationship. It is clear this child needs stability. She keeps trying to "break you".

Going to a foster family/aunt/etc.. is probably bad for this kid as it feeds the feelings of abandoment. I would avoid that at all costs. Never, ever, threaten her with it. It is what she wants. She feels secure with "chaos". Does that make sense?

While my post might be harsh, it is what I "see". I do not envy you. It sounds like a very hard situation.
I hope you work it out and help this kid!!!!
{{{BIG HUGS}}}

 

[Disney Doll]

No matter that you are "home" for this kid during the week, she feels abandoned. Also, you have more children with her dad to further the loss of her bond with him (look through her eyes).

So what does she do? She lashes out with what she knows. As she ages this will esculate to drugs, boyfriends, pregnancies, running away, sibling fighting, or worse things.
On top of that your dh leaves you to discipline her & you are not on the same page. So she has your number, you are dead meat. (I hope you at least see THAT.)

This kid needs her dad. He needs to find a way to work so he is home everyday. That should be his goal. I know as a trucker it can be done but it does take some time to find work like that. He should be thinking long term. Believe me, you WILL BE fighting over this later, think about it.

At the very least, I recommend marriage counseling because the two of you need to get it together with discipline with her. (That is with any parent, your situation is tougher, near impossible.)
This "lying" will be the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to come if you don't find the direction you need to take. Get it together NOW!
This is your dry run of what is to come.

Also I suggest she never sees the birth mom again. She is hoping for her to come and "take her away" and has "family fantasies".
I would not pursue that relationship. It is clear this child needs stability. She keeps trying to "break you".

Going to a foster family/aunt/etc.. is probably bad for this kid as it feeds the feelings of abandoment. I would avoid that at all costs. Never, ever, threaten her with it. It is what she wants. She feels secure with "chaos". Does that make sense?

While my post might be harsh, it is what I "see". I do not envy you. It sounds like a very hard situation.
I hope you work it out and help this kid!!!!
{{{BIG HUGS}}}

This is very wise, and so true on so many levels.

 

[CEDmom]

Personally, if my DD were telling stories like that I'd get her counseling. Something is going on. Kids don't usually make up stories like that and have them be completely untrue. Is someone bothering your DD? Has she been assualted in any way? Punishment isn't going to make this stop. I'm my opinion she's crying out for help.

I just read the other posts and you really should all be in family counseling. This little girl was abandoned by her birthmom and from her point of view her dad has all but abandoned her as well. I know he's working but she's not seeing it like that. It's no wonder she's behaving like she is. Attachment disorder wouldn't be a real shock in a situation like this.

 

[dmslush]

No matter that you are "home" for this kid during the week, she feels abandoned. Also, you have more children with her dad to further the loss of her bond with him (look through her eyes).

So what does she do? She lashes out with what she knows. As she ages this will esculate to drugs, boyfriends, pregnancies, running away, sibling fighting, or worse things.
On top of that your dh leaves you to discipline her & you are not on the same page. So she has your number, you are dead meat. (I hope you at least see THAT.)

This kid needs her dad. He needs to find a way to work so he is home everyday. That should be his goal. I know as a trucker it can be done but it does take some time to find work like that. He should be thinking long term. Believe me, you WILL BE fighting over this later, think about it.

At the very least, I recommend marriage counseling because the two of you need to get it together with discipline with her. (That is with any parent, your situation is tougher, near impossible.)
This "lying" will be the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to come if you don't find the direction you need to take. Get it together NOW!
This is your dry run of what is to come.

Also I suggest she never sees the birth mom again. She is hoping for her to come and "take her away" and has "family fantasies".
I would not pursue that relationship. It is clear this child needs stability. She keeps trying to "break you".

Going to a foster family/aunt/etc.. is probably bad for this kid as it feeds the feelings of abandoment. I would avoid that at all costs. Never, ever, threaten her with it. It is what she wants. She feels secure with "chaos". Does that make sense?

While my post might be harsh, it is what I "see". I do not envy you. It sounds like a very hard situation.
I hope you work it out and help this kid!!!!
{{{BIG HUGS}}}

I agree with everything that you have written, and cannot add anything to it as it is articulated so well.

OP, I hope you and your family the best. I would ask for an appointment with the head of social services and see if there is someway to get this mark off of you so that you will not be held back in any potential employement. If the child has a mental issue that is causing her to do this, I don't feel that legally it can be held against you.

 

[Stitchfans]

I don't know what to say. lets hope one of these days DCFS doesn't come along and take her away from you. I heard they've been known to do that. Shame you can't get across to her how serious these lies are.

 

[mom2boys]

When my son was younger he used to threaten to call the police on me every time I punished him or was not as nice as he thought I ought to be. (I am in the camp that I am his mother NOT his friend.) Anyway, one day I explained to him that IF it social services decided that one of us needed to leave this house, it would be him and that he they wouldn't let him take ny of his toys with him. He finally got the message. I think I had to explain this on two separate occassions but it's been years since he's threatened to call the police on me for parenting him.

 

[barkley]

counseling definatly-and i would also have the school (who i assume is aware of the false basis for her complaints but has to report due to their mandated stauts) and the treating psych. to prepare letters that can be filed with social services so they are aware of the child's propensity to file false charges.

i don't believe in the faux-foster care idea and i don't believe it would be supported by the psych. (the kid will realise it was'nt for real and catch you in a lie as well-not great when you are trying to stop her from lying).

you might confer with the psych. and see if they would support a one on one between a social services representative and the child to explain the consequences of a true incident of abuse and a false accusation.

i don't know what type of counselor you are using but i would reccommend a psychiatrist who is able to have testing/treat with medications if necessary. i would honestly be concerned that she is begining to show sociopathic tendancies (unrealistic view of circumstances/what circumstances can/might/will be, disregard for how her actions affect others, manipulates situations to pull focus to self without regard to outcomes, patalogical lying). if it were an isolated situation..but this sounds like a mechanism she has found evokes a responce from the school, police, social services, family-all which result in her receiving attention (even if it's negative).

prayers to you.

 

[minkydog]

No matter that you are "home" for this kid during the week, she feels abandoned. Also, you have more children with her dad to further the loss of her bond with him (look through her eyes).

So what does she do? She lashes out with what she knows. As she ages this will esculate to drugs, boyfriends, pregnancies, running away, sibling fighting, or worse things.
On top of that your dh leaves you to discipline her & you are not on the same page. So she has your number, you are dead meat. (I hope you at least see THAT.)

This kid needs her dad. He needs to find a way to work so he is home everyday. That should be his goal. I know as a trucker it can be done but it does take some time to find work like that. He should be thinking long term. Believe me, you WILL BE fighting over this later, think about it.

At the very least, I recommend marriage counseling because the two of you need to get it together with discipline with her. (That is with any parent, your situation is tougher, near impossible.)
This "lying" will be the tip of the iceberg. There will be more to come if you don't find the direction you need to take. Get it together NOW!
This is your dry run of what is to come.

Also I suggest she never sees the birth mom again. She is hoping for her to come and "take her away" and has "family fantasies".
I would not pursue that relationship. It is clear this child needs stability. She keeps trying to "break you".

Going to a foster family/aunt/etc.. is probably bad for this kid as it feeds the feelings of abandoment. I would avoid that at all costs. Never, ever, threaten her with it. It is what she wants. She feels secure with "chaos". Does that make sense?

While my post might be harsh, it is what I "see". I do not envy you. It sounds like a very hard situation.
I hope you work it out and help this kid!!!!
{{{BIG HUGS}}}

You nailed it. so sad