Need a little advice (marital issue)

[Marseeya]

I could use a few opinions on this.

DH is having a lot of problems at work (new boss, as well as big changes in the company). He's really having a hard time with it and I'm convinced he's going to have a nervous breakdown if he doesn't do something. He seems depressed and he's always on edge. I keep asking him to get some counseling, but he won't because he just doesn't have the time, plus he thinks the problems are temporary. This has been going on for quite some time, though -- since around November or so.

I really want to support him and be there for him. I want home to be his safety zone and comfort area, but it's SO hard with all the problems with DS. Not to mention, I'm under a lot of stress from dealing with both kids and a very full graduate school load.

I don't mean for this to sound bad or have it come out the wrong way, but he's starting to bring me down with him. I've been suffering from depression off and on since I was 20 and I was doing really well there for a while -- went off my meds in August even. It's just getting to where my moods are closely related to his -- his stress is turning into my stress, his worry is my worry, and his anger is my anger. My schooling is suffering and I'm trying SO HARD to keep it together, but all of my energy is going towards DS's problems and now, DH's. If depression takes hold again, I'll be useless to everybody.

My only joy right now is planning for these WDW trips, and even that is turning into a source of guilt. I really don't want to go back into counseling myself or get back on meds. I finally feel so free of all that, especially the counseling. I mean, I'd go back if I really needed to, but I'd rather find another way, if you know what I mean.

Any advice?

 

[mickeyboat]

Have you talked to your DH about this? It's such a tough situation. It's not fair to put it all on to you with all you have going on right to with school and your son. It's not fair to your DH to deprive him of the most important person is his support network.

Last summer DH was super busy at work. He worked 16 hour days and weekends, and he was exhausted and ugly when he got home. I hated for him to be around, and I resented all the pieces he left for me to pick up when he wasn't there. It took a really long time for us to get back to a happy place, once the stress was all over.

In our situation, it was a temporary thing. In yours, it's not. There doesn't seem to be a definitive point where the stress is going to end, and it's clear that you can't handle it all on your own. Maybe you should suggest some sort of counseling for him. Don't make him think you are abandoning him, but tell him that you as much as you want to be there for him, you can't handle it all on your own.

Good luck to you.

Denae

 

[RitaZ.]

I don't mean for this to sound bad or have it come out the wrong way, but he's starting to bring me down with him.

I think this is a normal reaction to the stress around you, it doesn't mean that you're not supportive of your husband. Have you asked your husband to talk to his primary care doctor? Maybe that would be a start. Men generally aren't all that receptive to the idea of counseling, KWIM.

I hope things get better for all of you.

 

[RUDisney]

Why does he need counseling? I'd call his doctor and get him some Lexapro or Paxil or the like. Maybe just having some chemical help will help him get through things with a better attitude... take the edge off the stress.

If he's already that busy with work, adding the stress of getting to a counseling appt isn't going to help matters... just will add more stress.

But, some temporary meds can get him through this with a better perspective and only takes a few seconds each day to swallow.

 

[Certifiable WDW Nut]

My suggestion, honestly, would be to go back on the meds. I went through the same sort of thing a couple of years ago. Eventually I realized I was sick again and started back on my meds. Within a week or so, everything was so much brighter and I felt like I could handle things again. My shrink and I have come to the mutual conclusion that I'll probably be on some level of meds all my life, but I'm okay with that. It is much better than feeling like crap. I look at it like someone else looks at their blood pressure medication - a daily routine that will keep me alive and functioning well for a long time. I have a medical condition that needs treatment - there's nothing wrong with it.

 

[Marseeya]

Why does he need counseling? I'd call his doctor and get him some Lexapro or Paxil or the like. Maybe just having some chemical help will help him get through things with a better attitude... take the edge off the stress.

If he's already that busy with work, adding the stress of getting to a counseling appt isn't going to help matters... just will add more stress.

But, some temporary meds can get him through this with a better perspective and only takes a few seconds each day to swallow.

It would take some heavy duty counseling just to convince him to go on meds! He is one of those people who "doesn't believe in" meds.

 

[Marseeya]

Have you talked to your DH about this? It's such a tough situation. It's not fair to put it all on to you with all you have going on right to with school and your son. It's not fair to your DH to deprive him of the most important person is his support network.

Last summer DH was super busy at work. He worked 16 hour days and weekends, and he was exhausted and ugly when he got home. I hated for him to be around, and I resented all the pieces he left for me to pick up when he wasn't there. It took a really long time for us to get back to a happy place, once the stress was all over.

In our situation, it was a temporary thing. In yours, it's not. There doesn't seem to be a definitive point where the stress is going to end, and it's clear that you can't handle it all on your own. Maybe you should suggest some sort of counseling for him. Don't make him think you are abandoning him, but tell him that you as much as you want to be there for him, you can't handle it all on your own.

Good luck to you.

Denae

Sounds like our situations are similar! I tried talking to him about it and he totally misinterpreted what I was saying and thought I didn't want him to talk to me AT ALL about work issues. That totally wasn't the case! I was just trying to offer him a different perspective and he took it the wrong way.

anyway, thanks.

 

[Marseeya]

I think this is a normal reaction to the stress around you, it doesn't mean that you're not supportive of your husband. Have you asked your husband to talk to his primary care doctor? Maybe that would be a start. Men generally aren't all that receptive to the idea of counseling, KWIM.

I hope things get better for all of you.

That's actually a great idea. Our doctor is an osteopath and had treated my depression for a good while. We both like him a lot and I think my husband could open up to him, but at the same time it wouldn't be an hour-long session that he'd feel really pressured in.

Thanks!

 

[dg39]

Sometimes we all need something to get us through the day. I firmly believe that stress like misery loves company. When one person in the household is going through something it affects the WHOLE household. Call your dr. and explain to him whats happening. Tell him that you really don't want to go back on meds and see what he suggests. There may be other ways to cope with what you are all going through without medication. But, as the other poster mentioned theres nothing wrong with taking medication as treatment to make you feel better. Hopefully,the situation at your dh's job is only temporary and everything will get back to normal again soon.

 

[LiteBrite]

Is there any possibility of him getting a new job? Maybe getting out of the stressful situation he's in at work would make the difference. My hubby was in a similar situation at work a couple of years ago (a job he had for 14 years). He finally decided he'd had enough and resigned, and we're both so glad now that he did. He and I are both much happier and more peaceful now.

 

[RUDisney]

It would take some heavy duty counseling just to convince him to go on meds! He is one of those people who "doesn't believe in" meds.

Yikes! That doesn't make it easier. To this day, my DH has to be handed his meds each night before bed or he won't take them. He's a much nicer person to be around when he's chemically altered even though he doesn't see it. When he won't take them from me, for whatever reason, my DS gives it to him.

Can you get him to take them temporarily, just to see if it makes a difference to how he feels? The dr. can tell you how long it should take to start feeling better.

 

[Marseeya]

My suggestion, honestly, would be to go back on the meds. I went through the same sort of thing a couple of years ago. Eventually I realized I was sick again and started back on my meds. Within a week or so, everything was so much brighter and I felt like I could handle things again. My shrink and I have come to the mutual conclusion that I'll probably be on some level of meds all my life, but I'm okay with that. It is much better than feeling like crap. I look at it like someone else looks at their blood pressure medication - a daily routine that will keep me alive and functioning well for a long time. I have a medical condition that needs treatment - there's nothing wrong with it.

What are you taking?

I was on Wellbutrin XL, and it worked great for me. Of course, it's not on my insurance formulary anymore. I'm not sure if the XL version has a generic. I should check.

 

[Crankyshank]

No advice but just a and to let you know I'm struggling with something similar. DH is working 70hr weeks lately, is not feeling well, and is under a tremendous amount of stress. Even when he's home he's working and it has placed stress on our relationship because I retreat into myself and my own thoughts and am not there for him when it occurs to him that he should spend time with me
I finally had to insist that we schedule "us" time for 1 hour every evening and 1 day on the weekend. I'll let you know how it works.

 

[Certifiable WDW Nut]

What are you taking?

I was on Wellbutrin XL, and it worked great for me. Of course, it's not on my insurance formulary anymore. I'm not sure if the XL version has a generic. I should check.

I started on Wellbutrin before there was XL. When XL came along, I moved to that. Lexapro was added about a year and half ago. In the last 3-4 months I've stopped the Wellbutrin, mainly because I'm supposed to take in the morning, and I always forgot to take it. So far, I'm okay on the lexapro alone, but I have gained a lot of weight. I should probably try to switch and go back to the Wellbutrin and off the lexapro, but it is just so much easier for me to take my meds at night, rather than the morning.

I am paying very close attention to my mood (as is my therapist) and will go back to the Wellbutrin immediately if my mood starts to head downhill. I guess I'm lucky in that I remember the dark side and know I never want to spend any significant time there again!