Nana dying, wake/funeral ? for 8 year old

[tazdev3225]

If he wants to go, let him. I lost both of my grandfathers at a young age. I was 6 when the 1st one died. My mother had me go to school and he was my show-and-tell that day. My teacher was horrified but I wasn't given the chance to understand death. I was 8 when my grandpop died. I remember being told about it it to this day 45 years later. I was never told that he was sick and was devastated. I also knew that he woukld never come back after the first experience. I did go to his viewing and I am glad that I had the chance to say goodbye. My DGS has been to the funerals of family members since he was 4. He understands the concept and it is easier for him as he gets older. I am sorry for your family's impending loss.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

We took my kids in February to my DH's grandfather's wake. I believe it is a decision for each individual family to make.

I honestly don't remember if my girls (8 and 6 at the time) went in or not. We didn't stay for very long. They did go for munchies in the back room. I think we stayed for a half hour, tops.

My girls were fine about it. The reason we left was b/c of our 2yo actually. He was providing comic relief and I didn't feel it appropriate for him to stay there. What's funny is that those closest to grandpa were not bothered and liked that he was easing the tension, but my MIL was giving me the devil's eye. (Grandpa is her FIL.)

 

[Mandychelle79]

We often take our children( currently 3 and 6) to visitation hours of family members who have passed. Death is part of life and im not one to shelter my kids from it. When dh's gma passed away last winter they spent all day with us at the home. However, the funereal home our family uses has a grief dog and we were the only family there, so they had the kids and the dog in the same room playing and cuddling. I guess the funniest thing that happened that day was when we had to go back for evening hours and my dd looked at me and said " you mean God hasnt came to get gramma yet?" She

 

[My2Cinderellas]

my oldest was 5 when we had 2 grandparents pass away. We let her decide what she wanted. She wanted to see great-grandpa and so we walked up to the casket at the visitation. we talked a little about what he would look like and answered any questions she had. But there is no way I would have forced her to do it.

Funerals - my experience with them has always been in a church setting. The casket is open for viewing before the service outside the sanctuary, then closed for the service. DH's family usually has the service at the funeral home, and leaves the casket open. I find it very distracting, but it was a reminder that not every family/region/religion has the same traditions.

You know what to expect with your family and can prepare your kids accordingly. Best advice is do what you are doing - follow their lead and don't push. We all handle grief differently, kids are no exception.

 

[jfoofj]

Hi, it is the OP here again. My Nana passed peacefully on Sept 1 surrounded by her husband of 67 years and all 6 of her children. It was exactly what she wanted.

My DS did attend the wake and funeral, and he did just fine. He asked if he could touch her in the casket and he held her hand for a moment. He cried a little. He acted as an unofficial "greeter" at the funeral home during the wake, sitting near the sign in book. I received many compliments from people on his behavior and how well he interacted with everyone. He introduced people to each other, showed people where the restrooms were. It was very cute.

The funeral was a little harder, the music always makes me cry and he did too. The burial was the hardest, he didn't want her to be put in the ground but we explained again that the Nana we all know is in heaven, this is just her body.

All in all, I think it turned out to be as positive of an experience as it could have for him, and considering that I have 3 grandparents still alive in their 90's I know that he is prepared for when they pass too.

Thanks again to everyone who offered their thought/opinions/experiences. I truly appreciate it.

 

[Ohiodislover]

Hi, it is the OP here again. My Nana passed peacefully on Sept 1 surrounded by her husband of 67 years and all 6 of her children. It was exactly what she wanted.

My DS did attend the wake and funeral, and he did just fine. He asked if he could touch her in the casket and he held her hand for a moment. He cried a little. He acted as an unofficial "greeter" at the funeral home during the wake, sitting near the sign in book. I received many compliments from people on his behavior and how well he interacted with everyone. He introduced people to each other, showed people where the restrooms were. It was very cute.

The funeral was a little harder, the music always makes me cry and he did too. The burial was the hardest, he didn't want her to be put in the ground but we explained again that the Nana we all know is in heaven, this is just her body.

All in all, I think it turned out to be as positive of an experience as it could have for him, and considering that I have 3 grandparents still alive in their 90's I know that he is prepared for when they pass too.

Thanks again to everyone who offered their thought/opinions/experiences. I truly appreciate it.

This is the way my DD was at my grandfather's funeral. She was 5 at the time. I was worried how she would react, and almost tried to shield her from it a bit. Watching her interact with people, especially my dad made me realize that she was exactly what he and my aunt/uncles needed to break some of the tension and sadness. She didn't cut up, but was just very social and inquisitive.

 

[Serena]

I am sorry for your loss.

He sounds totally delightful. I bet he made the day better for everyone.

 

[N&B'smom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sadly, I know that we'll be dealing with this very thing in the future with BOTH of my grandmothers, one is 87 and the other is 90. It's not easy, but I think kids usually surprise us with the way they handle things.

 

[skuttle]

I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandparents are in their mid-80s, so I know we will have to deal with this sooner rather than later as well. Right now, my DS is 6.

I brought him a few months ago to his step-great-grandfather's funeral. He did not know him well, so I think it was a good first experience for him, to see what a funeral is like but not be too connected to the deceased. It was a military funeral as well. I left it up to him if he wanted to go up to the casket, but he did not want to.

I do agree that having young children at a funeral does help the older family members.


Again, I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[mjkacmom]

In our family, you attend wakes and funerals starting as babies. By the time I was an adult, I had been to dozens. My kids attended my grandmother's wake and funeral when they were 3, 6, and 8 with no problem.

 

[Serena]

My family did not take us kids to the services or funerals. As so, the very first one I went to was my mom. I did not handle the funeral well. Realistic or not, I kept having this idea that my mom was suffocating in the closed casket. I didn't say or do anything of course, but it messed me up for a while.

 

[Pikester]

Sometimes no matter what you say or do kids come up with their own explainations of what is going on.

My DH Grandmother passed in July just a few days after we held her 86 birthday party. She had cancer and we knew it wouldn't be long. The kids went with us and we explained to them what was going on. DS11 stayed with my DH in the room where she was staying but DS8 mostly played outside. When she passed and it came time for the open casket at the viewing DS11 paid his respects and DS8 sat with me at the back of the room. That was what he was comfortable with doing. We explained to him that Great Grammy C's body was there but her spirit was now gone.

A week later to the day that we attended Great Grammy C's funeral my Grandmother passed at the age of 74. I explained to the kids that there would be no funeral and that we would hold a simple ceremony at the grave site. I told the kids that Great Grammy H had been cremated (I explained what that was) and that she would be in a small box. DS11 wanted to attend the ceremony but DS8 did not. I found out from my MIL who watched DS8 that he thought he was going to watch her be cremated before we buried her.

Give your child the information that they need to make the decision on whether or not they want to go. If they want to be close to the casket, let them. If they want to sit in the back, let them do that.

 

[Freyja]

I´m so sorry for your loss. Sounds to me that your son was very well prepared and that indeed you made the whole process as positive an experience for him as possible, given the circumstances.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

He's obviously able to articulate his wishes as is his 7yo stepbrother. Continue to take his cues. One thing I would not do would be to ask him to stand at the side of an open casket. I'd let him see that others were doing it but explain that it's simply a tradition and that it's his choice, not required. Don't allow anyone to force him to the open casket. As a grown up, I find open caskets to be very difficult and I do not approach the casket. Our family never has had an open casket and most of the remaining members will merely have memorials rather than even having a casket in the room. Nothing a funeral home can do makes a dead body look pleasant. I agree that this should not be his last remembrance.

I am 25 and still cannot go up to the casket. My nan died almost 4 years ago and I couldn't go up. I was very close to her, but I just couldn't do it. I did not want to remember her that way, I wanted to remember her doing word searches with me and things like that. I went to the wake and stayed in the waiting area. She was the first person to pass that I was very close to.
A few months later my cousin passed and he was only 12, I could not go up to that casket either. I went and stayed in the waiting area.

I think it is up to you, you know your children best. I am sorry that you and your family are going through this.