My son just told me that he hates me.

[SuiteDisney]

He also said that he's never done it before, but he really wanted to curse me out!

Here's the story....

DS is 17 years old and has no ambition. He's intelligent (his SAT score proves that), but will not apply himself in school. He regularly brings home Cs, Ds and Fs on his report cards. We've tried everything we know to get him to work harder in school, from encouragement to punishment to therapy. He told the therapist flat out that he wanted to get by on the least amount of effort possible. She told us that sometimes people have to fail to learn a lesson.

DS is not interested in any school activities. He doesn't socialize after school. He has no desire to drive.

I've told him all his life that once he graduates from high school he has three choices; go to college, get a job and support himself, or join the military. But he's not going to lay around my house playing video games.

But all he wants to do is play video games or play on the computer.

His grades are terrible, yet he says he wants to go to college. I think he's just trying to pacify us. I'm certainly not going to pay for him to flunk out of college. I don't know what kind of job he thinks he could get that would give him the life he wants without further education.

His best option would be the military - it would get him fit, give him a chance to grow up and want an education, and then it would help him finance his education. The problem is that he's seen Full Metal Jacket and he's afraid of boot camp and thinks all the instructors are going to be R. Lee Ermy.

SO....

Mom is getting him fit. I'm starting out slowly (he doesn't believe that). Here's the deal: if he wants video games and computer for the evening he has to work out first. Monday I made him do 10 push-ups and 60 sit-ups (he's still sore). Yesterday, I made him walk 1 3/4 miles. Today, I made him do 5 push-ups and 50 sit-ups and then I told him he had to walk 3/4 mile in 15 minutes. I don't trust him, so I drive him away from home and then he has to walk home. On the drive to the end of the road he told me that he hated me and wanted to curse me out.

All the exercise is going to increase and I think that by the time he can jog a couple miles without stopping or do a couple dozen push-ups or sit-ups without hurting that he's going to thank me.

What do you think? Am I just being mean? Do you think this will help him? I swear I knew all about how to raise kids until I actually had them.


I forgot the important part - if he doesn't exercise or do the walks within the time limit I set, he doesn't get video games or computer for the night.

 

[DNSDisney]

Unfortunately Tough Love is the only way to get through to some kids. He may be saying he hates you now but 10 yrs from now he will probably be thankful .

 

[vald1977]

It sounds like you are trying to be the best mom you can for your son. I think it's great that you are less concerned about being a friend and more concerned about what is best for him whether he sees it right now or not.

 

[tc]

I think you're doing the right thing. Exercise improves mind and body. Maybe he's a little depressed, exercise can really help that. Once he starts feeling better, more energy, looking better, he may start caring about school and extracurricular activities.

Keep at it, and eventually, he'll thank you. I really believe that!

 

[wovenwonder]

Instead of driving and dropping him off -- why not walk with him. Then he will see how important you feel it is to get be healthy together. Plus it might give you more time to open up lanes of communication.

{{{{HUGS}}}} Raising teenagers is very difficult!

 

[Tiggerkeeper]

I had to check the signature on your story to make sure it wasn't mine! We have the same problem. DS is 19 but at 17 had the same path as your son until he spoke with a Marine recruiter. He joined up on the delayed entry program and last November left for boot. He is home now recovering from an accident (his fault not the Marines) BUT in Januaury he will be going back to boot to start over. He says nothing will stop him from being a Marine. Just from the time he spent at Parris Island I can see changes for the better. He wasn't a bad kid he just chose the hard road for everything.

Has your son spoken to a recruiter from any branch of the service? Sometimes just speaking to them can help with perspective. Just talking doesn't to them doesn't hurt. When they join delayed entry you gain a parent - the recruiter. It is their responsiblility to make sure nothing happens to them before they report...grades, behavior, every area of their life. They had meetings every Thursday night for knowledge and conditioning. And one Saturday of the month they have a meeting and practice the Physical Fitness Test (PFT) pull ups, sit ups, and running.

Don't give up, keep trying and tough love is the only thing way some will see the light. Exercise may be what he needs to find focus.

Good luck!!

Melissa

 

[SuiteDisney]

Originally posted by wovenwonder
Instead of driving and dropping him off -- why not walk with him. Then he will see how important you feel it is to get be healthy together. Plus it might give you more time to open up lanes of communication.

{{{{HUGS}}}} Raising teenagers is very difficult!

Yes, the walking is good for me, too - but I can't keep up with Justin and I really want him to push himself. I try to take a midday walk with the dog at my own pace. We do take family walks together, all four of us, but I want to cut down Justin's time until he's jogging.

 

[FOJMO]

Originally posted by ***********
Mom is getting him fit. I'm starting out slowly (he doesn't believe that). Here's the deal: if he wants video games and computer for the evening he has to work out first. Monday I made him do 10 push-ups and 60 sit-ups (he's still sore). Yesterday, I made him walk 1 3/4 miles. Today, I made him do 5 push-ups and 50 sit-ups and then I told him he had to walk 3/4 mile in 15 minutes. I don't trust him, so I drive him away from home and then he has to walk home. On the drive to the end of the road he told me that he hated me and wanted to curse me out.

All the exercise is going to increase and I think that by the time he can jog a couple miles without stopping or do a couple dozen push-ups or sit-ups without hurting that he's going to thank me.

What do you think? Am I just being mean? Do you think this will help him?

I'd have to say after reading this exercise routine, I might begin to hate you also. It sounds like he needs goals, not exercise. It sounds like he needs more than just to be fit "physically." He needs someone to help him organize his life.

You and he should sit down and formulate some goals and objectives to strive for besides physical exercise.

If he loves the computer so much, maybe you need to tap on what he's GOOD at instead of seeing it as a detrimental thing. Talk to him about computer school. Maybe that would be right up his alley!

Now, don't flame me for this next statement, but children often learn by example and if he sees you on the computer a large part of the day (DISing), maybe you need to see that that's not helping him. Instead of sending him, by himself, to do what you want him to do, do things WITH him. Does he have a father in the picture? Does he have any friends?

He needs motivation and companionship -- not exercise.

 

[doxdogy]

You are not being a mean mother. You are showing concern for your son. He needs to understand that there are consequences for his actions. I agreee that the military may be the best route for him.

I have seen what happens on the other side of the fence. When the parents basically just gave up and quit trying. It took going to jail quite a few times, before my nephew woke up and smelled the coffee.

But, I would sit down and explain to him that saying I hate you, does hurt your feelings.

If you are in need of a shoulder to pm, mine is readily available.

 

[Evil Princess]

If you are afraid of your son failing out of college, maybe this will help. If you are planning on paying for his education, make a deal with him. My parents have told me that if I get any grade below a C in college over the next few years, I'll be forced to pay for the course. Might just make him strive a bit more.

Might not work with him, but its just an idea Good Luck!!

 

[Pebblszzz]

First, let me say that I am not a parent, have never been a parent, and never will be a parent.

Therefore, I'm really not qualified to respond to this thread, but I am compelled to agree with FOJMO, as well as the military idea.

Exercise is good for the soul, yes - and depression. But it's only a small piece of the puzzle.

He's at that age where he wants to play, do things his own way, in his own time, sleep late, etc.

Hey, I had two older brothers, I can relate a LITTLE here.

Brother #1 was Mom's pet. She did everything for him, insisted he do well in school, nagged him about grades and friends, held his hand through tough times, etc. He's in jail now.

Brother #2, Mom never understood and pretty much ignored, but loved and he knew that. He appreciated his freedom. He played video games, stayed out late, slept all day, etc. He now owns a very successful computer and networking consulting business in Dallas.

Me, I was just the "tag-along" brat looking for attention all the time. Total lack of direction and goals. I joined the Army, did 4 years, and came out a changed person for life - for the good, of course. Went on to college, and the rest is history. I'm doing quite well.

I still gotta say, a Mom's job shouldn't be a drill sergeant. This whole exercise thing, in my opinion, isn't quite right - not unless you do it together. Maybe you and he can find another activity that stimulates both of you, that you're physically able to do together? Maybe a karate class, or pottery? Just be there for him.

Hope none of what I've written offends you or anyone else, it's just what I feel, and I'm certainly no expert on this subject!!!

 

[SuiteDisney]

Originally posted by FOJMO
I'd have to say after reading this exercise routine, I might begin to hate you also. It sounds like he needs goals, not exercise. It sounds like he needs more than just to be fit "physically." He needs someone to help him organize his life.

You and he should sit down and formulate some goals and objectives to strive for besides physical exercise.

If he loves the computer so much, maybe you need to tap on what he's GOOD at instead of seeing it as a detrimental thing. Talk to him about computer school. Maybe that would be right up his alley!

Now, don't flame me for this next statement, but children often learn by example and if he sees you on the computer a large part of the day (DISing), maybe you need to see that that's not helping him. Instead of sending him, by himself, to do what you want him to do, do things WITH him. Does he have a father in the picture? Does he have any friends?

He needs motivation and companionship -- not exercise.

I hear you, but you're about 4 years behind us. As parents, we've tried everything we know - this has been going on for a long time.

Yes, he has a father and they happen to be best friends. Gene is very athletic and loves to do stuff outside. He has to beg Justin to do anything. Justin has friends at school, but he doesn't hang around after school with them. Even at WDW, Justin would just as soon sit in the villa and play video games.

I would love for Justin to want to go to computer school. I'm just trying to get him to have the desire to go to any school. And to work towards getting into that school.

Now, don't flame me for this next statement, but children often learn by example and if he sees you on the computer a large part of the day (DISing), maybe you need to see that that's not helping him.

You're absolutely right, I'm a complete waste (that's not sarcastic, BTW). But I want better than that for my children. When I was his age, I wasn't laying in bed all evening. I want him to have a good, secure future with the ability to have the things he wants out of life.

 

[SandiH]

Is this a choice he's making (military - exercise, etc)? I think that since this is his life - he needs to be involved in the decision making process.

I understand that he doesn't want to do anything but perhaps if you laid it all on the line - show him the options available to him after high school and turning 18 - informing him perhaps that if he doesn't go to school or find a full time job - you won't be supporting him financially any longer - ie. roof over his head, food on the table, etc. Perhaps you can show help him create a budget on what it cost to survive in the real world. What would rent cost - even with a roommate, take him shopping - let him see what even the basic foods cost. Show him utility bills and phone bills - even DSL, cable modem and dial up fees cost. How about car payments and insurance - or perhaps bus passes. If he can see in black and white how much money he'll need to earn in order to survive, let alone have any luxuries - that might help him realize that he does need some type of skills to earn a decent living in this world.

Maybe you could encourage him to see a recruiter or counselor at school and with hold priveldges from him until he shows progress in exploring his future.

Has he taken some sort of apptitude tests at school? Does his guidance counselor have any input on his strengths or desires?
Perhaps he'd like to learn how to create and program computer/video games. His guidance counselor could steer him in the right way to gain the skills he would need.

Sorry this got long - my boys aren't teens yet but I have worked with teens in a variety of situtations and know that they need to buy into what they are doing in order for them to feel success and internal motivation.

Good Luck!

Sandi

 

[Pebblszzz]

Sandi is obviously way better at this than I am!!!

 

[TeresaNJ]

Your son sounds alot like my oldest son, except for the exercise part, as my son, who is 23, works out daily with weights and also skateboards. My son had no ambition in school, although is very smart, had no idea what he wanted to do with his life, and spends a good amount of time on the computer and video games. He does do alot of research on line and has written reviews for video games for online sites, and managed a video game store for a while, prior to quitting for no apparent reason. What I failed to recognize when my son was in HS was that he had an anxiety disorder along with depression due to the anxiety disorder. You said your son had been to a therapist. Has he ever been to a psychologist? Maybe he is depressed or has some other undiagnosed emotional problem. I have to say I don't agree with your exercise regimen. I would hate my mom if she forced me to exercise even if it was for my own good. I especially don't like the idea that it is forced. I understand that the exercise is in return for the use of the computer and video games, but if that is his only pleasure I would hate to take it away until I knew for sure that there wasn't something else going on besides no ambition. Good luck and I wish you the best.

 

[SuiteDisney]

Originally posted by SandiH
I understand that he doesn't want to do anything but perhaps if you laid it all on the line - show him the options available to him after high school and turning 18 - informing him perhaps that if he doesn't go to school or find a full time job - you won't be supporting him financially any longer - ie. roof over his head, food on the table, etc. Perhaps you can show help him create a budget on what it cost to survive in the real world. What would rent cost - even with a roommate, take him shopping - let him see what even the basic foods cost. Show him utility bills and phone bills - even DSL, cable modem and dial up fees cost. How about car payments and insurance - or perhaps bus passes. If he can see in black and white how much money he'll need to earn in order to survive, let alone have any luxuries - that might help him realize that he does need some type of skills to earn a decent living in this world.

Sorry this got long - my boys aren't teens yet but I have worked with teens in a variety of situtations and know that they need to buy into what they are doing in order for them to feel success and internal motivation.

Good Luck!

Sandi

Been there, done that. He knows we're not going to kick him out in the cold.

This has been going on for YEARS! We've been meeting with teacher, guidance counselors, psychologists since 6th grade. We've had group meetings, one-on-one meetings. We've tried encouragement, we've tried punishment. We've tried taking video games away.

This is just something else we're trying. I don't know if it will work or not, but we can only try.

Parenting was a lot easier when I didn't have kids.

 

[SandiH]

You don't have to kick him out cold but you could charge him to live at your house, eat your food, etc. (of course this is after he's 18 and out of high school). If he realized he can live with you scott free, why should he be motivated to work or focus on any goals. He's got you to support him! I would be inclined to provide nothing but the basics unless he earns it - whether it's a part-time job or certain things at home. Once he's on his own - without a decent paying job - he probably won't be able to afford a computer or video games. One thing I tried to stress with the 8th graders I taught this year is who's going to take care of you after high school? Mom and dad don't have to support you anymore. They don't even have to pay for college. What skills will you have, how will you earn a paycheck, etc.

Have you had him medically examined for his lack of focus, motivation? Maybe there's something wired incorrectly in his body - whether it's anxiety, depression, ADD or something else. Since it's been going on so long, I would be concerned medically.

I still don't think a forced exercise regiment is the way to go - but again, it's easy to say that from sitting at my computer.

Unfortunately - sometimes kids have to fail in order to realize what their prioritites and goals are.

Again, these are just my humble opinions. You need to do what you think is best for your child.

Sandi

 

[SilverLily]

I don't see how forced exercise is going to help with your main goals for him (making him more social and increasing his ambition). When you stop forcing him to exercise, he will stop doing it.

I don't know what the answers are - that's why there are professionals. I know you have been dealing with this for a long time, but maybe it is time to try a new therapist.

I wish you luck with this.

 

[pnelson]

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but if my son were bringing home C's, D's and F's he wouldn't have a video game system or access to a computer to play with. He lives in your home so you still have control over those things. I'm not there yet with my son-he's only 9, but he doesn't watch TV, play Nintendo or anything until his homework is done and approved by Mom or Dad. If he misbehaves at school or daycare, he doesn't get TV or video games for that day.

 

[browneyes]

Originally posted by ***********
I swear I knew all about how to raise kids until I actually had them.

LOL! That cracked me up, Sis.

I don't think you're being mean to him. You're trying to motivate Justin. {{hugs}}

Hey, is he still dating that voluptous babe? If they broke up, maybe that's why he's not motivated? Then again, if they're still together, maybe she can help motivat him.