My sister is blaming me for her brain damage...

[zakatak]

Today I received a letter from my "estranged" sister (we haven't been close in 4 or 5 years). We chat, now and then, and are working together dealing with my father's estate, but other than that... nothing. (She lives 45 minutes away from me).

In the letter, she states that due to some symptoms she was having (paralysis, nose bleeds, faintness) she went to the doctor and he did a MRI. The results were acute brain damage on the left side of her head. The Dr. asked if she had been in a car accident or such and she said no. He then asked her if she had ever been hit or choked unconcious and she started crying. Her husband has been known to hit her around. (How bad, I never did know)...

So, she now has irrepairable brain damage. What she says next is what I am upset about. 7 years ago, she was sleeping with this young (21) man at work (she was 33). She did sleep around. Well, she wanted to run away with him to Florida. Leave her kids (4 of them) and go off with him. I did feel sorry for her, but between talking to MY husband and my husband talking with hers... her DH of course, wanted to fix things. So that's the way my DH went. We did not know of the seriousness of the beatings (His story against hers) but with her record of sleeping around and lying about it... well, my DH sided with hers.

Long story short, they "seemed" to get back together and we ended up closer to her DH (especially my dh) than ever... Young man eventually was killed in a motorcycle accident a few years ago . He was a nice young man.

So, back to today... she sends me this letter out of the blue and basically says that I took her ONLY way out away from her. So now she has nowhere to go, no money, and no way out. She also said that she would never forgive me.

I guess I should have backed her up. I don't know what to think. I thought we were keeping a family together (he had promised to get help). Now I am to believe I ruined her life...

What should I say to her? I want to help her, I would take her in if I had room... She has already stated she won't forgive me, so should I even get involved again?

Thanks for letting me vent...
Karen

 

[disykat]

Sorry you and your sister are going through this.

Ultimately she is responsible for her own choices. You may want to rethink your definition of a "nice young man" though.

I think staying uninvolved is usually the best choice - though it's easier said than done. I'd leave the ball in her court.

 

[SonjaB]

I think your sister is very upset, scared and needs someone to blame. You being her sister, unfortunately, makes you an easy target. It's going to be very hard, but don't buy into that. Let her know you love her and you're sorry she's in pain. Let her know you'll help in whatever way you can (or whatever way you feel comfortable with) and let it go. Don't accept blame in your head or your heart. This is just my two cents, for whatever it's worth. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

 

[Mom2Em]

{{{HUGS}}}... I know how horrible you must feel eventhough you know you are not to fault... She is responsible for herself and her choices... you did not make the decision for her... I would not respond to her letter, it will only create more anguish... She will not change her stance, no matter what you tell her... I hope for her sake she gets help... she needs it!

 

[snoopy]

You're not responsible for your sister's brain damage, her abusive husband is.

With 4 kids involved, I am sure you did what you thought was best for her and her family.

Now that you know the seriousness of the situation, I think as her sister you should talk to her about what it will take to leave her husband and his abusive behavior behind. There are abused women's shelters and help groups all over the country, you may start by talking with someone there.

I do hope your sister sees light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck, let us know how it turns out.

 

[helenabear]

Karen, I wish I had some wonderful advice to give you here, but I don't. One thing though is you are not at fault for this at all. She is probably very angry and wants to blame anyone except herself. I am sorry you have to deal with this though {{hugs}}

 

[Saffron]

Lots and lots of thoughts here:

Women in abusive relationships often feel there is no way out. Sometimes, unfortunately, they are right.

It's easier to blame someone else for something you feel hopeless over. It gives one control over something when one feels they have no control over anything.

If your sister is in an abusive relationship and she all ready is suffering from brain damage, if she would ask, and you and your family would be safe, make room for her. If you and your family would not be safe, help her get the help she needs. Otherwise, be there for her, support her, but stay out of it. You can keep brochures of women's shelters and names and numbers of people in her hometown that can help her if she decides to change her circumstances.

You are not to blame for her husbands actions. She is not to blame for her husbands actions. He is to blame for his actions.

Forgive and forget her sleeping around. We're all human, we all make mistakes. We may not make that particular mistake, but we also may not have walked in her shoes to know why she made those mistakes.

I know it hurts now. Consider why she wrote the letter. She is hurting. It's not fair that she take it out on you, but she certainly can't go to her husband about her fears and hurt. He's the one that is hurting her.

Forgive the letter, move on. Hopefully you guys will be able to work past all of this and she will get out of that awful relationship.

I'm not sure if her husband is using her permissiveness as a reason to pound on her or not, but there is never an excuse for a husband to hit a wife, or a lover to hit a lover, or a wife to hit a husband, unless they are defending themselves. Love doesn't hurt, it protects.

 

[Pooh93]

You have received some wonderful thoughts and encouragement. I can only add my good thoughts that it all works out. No matter what...you are not to blame. {{HUGS}}

 

[bumcat]

I agree completely with Disykat. You do not have the power to control someones life, they make their own choices.
I do not speak to most of my family members. I too have received "blame" letters from my sister, stepsister and stepmother. I decided to trash the letters and not respond. I know what you're going thru but please don't let her unhappiness ruin your life. Some people will always find someone to blame for all their faults.
If you do decide to help her please don't do it out of guilt, the guilt is not yours.

 

[Serena]

I can't think of anything better to say than what has already been posted. She's in pain and needing someone safe to blame everything on. Try not to take it personally. You did nothing wrong.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

From the sounds of this the abusive husband died (????).

Whatever the circumstances she is in need of some help. You can't make her get the help she needs, she has got to want that. Even if her husband is out of her life she is probably still suffering from the effects of the abuse. If you never have had to deal with it you have no idea that impact it makes. Abuse, whether physical, verbal or emotional tears down a persons self esteem. They start to think they aren't good enough and DESERVE to be treated this way. This is not something that is easily healed. Sometimes people lash out. And it looks like she lashed out on you. But I kinda see it as a cry for help. At least reach out to her, to see if you can help in some way. It sounds like she has been through a lot.

But the important thing is it's not your fault. All you can do is be there for her if she wants you to be.