My Senile Mom will Become Ward of State Next Week

[JamesMom]

I just want to share my situation with a bunch of strangers, lol

Elderly care in Texas

My mom is 76 years old. She has been rapidly becoming senile over that past 5-6 years.

Seven weeks ago today she was admitted to the hospital for a fall and 3 weeks later admitted to rehab.

She is incapable of rational or logical thought. Sunday, I showed her a photo album of our trip to Great Wolf Lodge THREE times during a FORTY-FIVE minute visit. Each viewing was NEW to her.

She denies she needs help and belives she can take care of herself, by herself at home alone when she doesn't even know her address, phone number or day of the week. She has asked numerous times for my dead father to take her home --he has been dead for 27 years.

Next week they will release her to Adult Proctective Services. They can't keep her because Medicare won't pay anymore because she isn't making any progress. She is NOT getting better and will NOT get better.


Why when...

My Mom has a net worth of over a third of a million dollars

My Mom has a long term care policy that will cover a nursing home IN FULL for FOUR YEARS

Why indeed...

She has left NO ONE Power of Attorney to handle her affairs and now is too incompentent to execute one.

She has no will-- living or otherwise.

She has no one on her checking/savings accounts or other investments.

Her insurance company, including the long term care company, will not talk to anyone but her.


I can do nothing...

I can't get guardianship through the courts because they want me post a bond equal to the size of her estate.
In other words, I have to essentially apply for $400,000 in credit - Four times the size of our annual income ON TOP of our other debt. No one will approve me.

I have four half brothers and sisters scattered across the country (same mom)- NONE OF THEM HAVE CALLED OR VISITED MY MOM IN THE SEVEN WEEKS she has been treated except ME.

I need HER signature to get on her checking account and she REFUSES.

Today she refused transportation to the hospital for a sugerical follow-up visit because she didn't know about the appointment. She can't keep a thought in her head for more than 10 minutes!!!

The probate court says get an attorney
The attorney says get a bond
The bondsman says get lost.

So....

Next Wednesday the police and Adult Protective Services will be called and Mom and her money will become property of the state.


Ridiculous can't even begin to describe my agony right now.

 

[lovemykids74]

There are no words to ease your frustration, but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you as you embark on this difficult journey.

Demensia and other elderly memory loss conditions are so devasting and sad. It seems so unfair that people who have worked so hard and endured lifes struggles for so long are left so vulnerable at the end or their lives. My grandfather who was a vibrant man, extremely intelligent, hard worker, and never met a person that he couldn't hold a conversation with was reduced to needing every basic need cared for by others at the end of his life. So sad.

Again, may small moments and memories bring you comfort through this difficult time.

 

[a1tinkfans]

OP: My heart goes out to you.

It is a sad reminder how important basic papers like Wills, POA, etc....and so many go without.

Perhaps by posting your frustration and sadness of this situation here, others will take the time to Make Sure Their Own Families Are Okay in this regard.

May you treasure the "lucid" moments however brief and recall the Happy Memories.....As one that lost her mom (age 62) it is so very very difficult to face both illness and beyond.
Bless You and I hope that you have emotional support thru this difficult situation!

 

[NotUrsula]

It is a sad reminder how important basic papers like Wills, POA, etc....and so many go without.

Perhaps by posting your frustration and sadness of this situation here, others will take the time to Make Sure Their Own Families Are Okay in this regard.

The thing is, with the best will in the world, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. If the older person will not cooperate there is nothing you can do except what the OP has done.

OP, with any luck a judge will be willing to grant you guardianship once you tell your mother's caseworker that you are willing to take this on. They have enough work to do for people who have no family; so they will probably be happy to remove her from their caseload.

 

[mickeyplanner08]

I can only imagine the heartache you feel right now. I can't even imagine how difficult it is to watch this happen. It is a great reminder to us all to talk with our parents before we end up in your situation.

 

[JamesMom]

The thing is, with the best will in the world, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. If the older person will not cooperate there is nothing you can do except what the OP has done.

OP, with any luck a judge will be willing to grant you guardianship once you tell your mother's caseworker that you are willing to take this on. They have enough work to do for people who have no family; so they will probably be happy to remove her from their caseload.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. The poster above is absolutely right. My mom has willifully refused to grant anyone any control over her and her money her whole life (hence 3 marriages) and preparing for a senile eventuality was never a possiblity in her mind so Power of Attorney has been refused in two other hospitalization both 4 and 2 years before this unfortunate incident when she still had some of her wits about her.
Unfortunately, she will probably lose it all unless the Court will grant me guardianship out of the kindness of their heart. Only time will tell.

 

[powellrj]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It heart breaking, but I think your story is more common than you think. Good luck.

 

[aubriee]

I can so sympathize with you. My dad died March 10th of this year. He had Alzheimers and had been in the nursing home for the last almost five years. He had always adamnantly refused to even consider making a will, much less giving POA over to anyone. For some reason just a few days before he had to go into the nursing home, he had one of his few lucid moments, realized that something was wrong with him, and out of the blue, asked my mom to drive him into town. He wouldn't even tell her why. Once in town, he had her drive him to a lawyer's office, went in, told the lawyer there was something wrong with his brain, and he wanted to make a will and also give both legal and medical POA over to my mom. Just a few days later he almost set their house on fire. My mom called my brother and when he got there, my dad suddenly started crying and told my brother to take him someplace and put him away so he couldn't hurt somebody. He agreed to go to the nursing home, but then the very next day insisted they call my mom, at which time he said he changed his mind and demanded she get him out of there. We had to explain to him that he was a danger to himself and those around him and that if we tried to take him out adult protective services would intervene and take his rights over. The doctor had told us to tell him that, but also told us that it was true. If we tried to get him out of the nursing home he would have to call APS. After a few days he forgot all about coming home and considered the nursing home his only home. Thank god, he had those few hours of lucidity that day and made that will and POA, or we'd be in the same boat you are right now.

 

[Reese'smom]

I'm a hospital social worker and must say I run across these sort of situations on a daily basis. There are some issues in your story that I don't understand. It may be because things are different in your state, I don't know. But here in Georgia, if 2 doctors agree that a patient cannot make decisions for themselves, POA is automatically passed to either the spouse or the oldest child. If the child does not want to make decisions for the patient, the POA goes to the next oldest, etc. So that being said, you should be able to make decisions for her. The fact that she doesn't want to go to a nursing facility shouldn't matter. Thats where she needs to be. I also don't understand why APS has a say since you are family, you've been there trying to help your mom and are willing to make decisions. Theres no abuse or neglect or abandonment there. I'm really sorry for the way your siblings are acting, it seems to me that illness tends to either bring out the best or the worst in families.

 

[knewton64]

I just want to share my situation with a bunch of strangers, lol

Elderly care in Texas

My mom is 76 years old. She has been rapidly becoming senile over that past 5-6 years.

Seven weeks ago today she was admitted to the hospital for a fall and 3 weeks later admitted to rehab.

She is incapable of rational or logical thought. Sunday, I showed her a photo album of our trip to Great Wolf Lodge THREE times during a FORTY-FIVE minute visit. Each viewing was NEW to her.

She denies she needs help and belives she can take care of herself, by herself at home alone when she doesn't even know her address, phone number or day of the week. She has asked numerous times for my dead father to take her home --he has been dead for 27 years.

Next week they will release her to Adult Proctective Services. They can't keep her because Medicare won't pay anymore because she isn't making any progress. She is NOT getting better and will NOT get better.


Why when...

My Mom has a net worth of over a third of a million dollars

My Mom has a long term care policy that will cover a nursing home IN FULL for FOUR YEARS

Why indeed...

She has left NO ONE Power of Attorney to handle her affairs and now is too incompentent to execute one.

She has no will-- living or otherwise.

She has no one on her checking/savings accounts or other investments.

Her insurance company, including the long term care company, will not talk to anyone but her.


I can do nothing...

I can't get guardianship through the courts because they want me post a bond equal to the size of her estate.
In other words, I have to essentially apply for $400,000 in credit - Four times the size of our annual income ON TOP of our other debt. No one will approve me.

I have four half brothers and sisters scattered across the country (same mom)- NONE OF THEM HAVE CALLED OR VISITED MY MOM IN THE SEVEN WEEKS she has been treated except ME.

I need HER signature to get on her checking account and she REFUSES.

Today she refused transportation to the hospital for a sugerical follow-up visit because she didn't know about the appointment. She can't keep a thought in her head for more than 10 minutes!!!

The probate court says get an attorney
The attorney says get a bond
The bondsman says get lost.

So....

Next Wednesday the police and Adult Protective Services will be called and Mom and her money will become property of the state.


Ridiculous can't even begin to describe my agony right now.

.....as I too live in Texas. It is quite ironic to see how (back then) your four 1/2 brothers and sisters lived, behaved and treated each other (and you & your Mother) versus now - as they have literally vanished off the radar screen. - Quite sad but not too untypical of adult children of parents who are slowly aging.
Hopefully, there will NOT be any issues over the estate in a few years.
Yes, I used to work FOR the State of Texas and am very well aware of the ins and outs of Medicade, APS and so on.
I feel very proud of you for stepping in and doing what is right about your Mother; regardless of any past feelings - be it good feelings or otherwise. Please do not let what they are doing (inaction) dictate you and your feelings about your family (past, present or future) as a whole like it did me. It has taken me years to realize this & to furthermore see that I am in control of me not others.
For example, My older brother??? Doesn't talk with me at all. My Father? He is in his early 80s and doesn't communicate either. I felt so devastated by this inability of family members to say hello to each other. Families.....
But ya know - I have put forth the effort and feel good about myself. I have no issues nor regrets when it is my turn to be in your shoes.

hope this blog makes sense as I am trying to express to you that I feel that you are doing the right thing - .

P.S. for a wonderful writeup in the DMS about this very topic:

www.dallasnew.com/sharedcontent/dws/spe/2006/4949swiss/dayfour.html

or if that does not pull up, type in 4949 swiss avenue dallas texas (on the internet) and it will provide you a remarkable story behind one of the faces you see on the statues at Fair Park at Dallas, Texas as well as her story - one that you are in right now.
4949 Swiss avenue was a very beautiful house - just so sad to see everything all tied up in the court system. It is a story about Ms. Mary Ellen Bendtsen and her adult daughter with Mary aging and her daughter's reaction.

 

[cheshireqt]

So sorry, this has to be tearing you up inside. I hope you find that perfect person working for the system who is willing to really listen, understand and help when you make another attempt.
btw - We have the opposite with my Grandmother, my father is her POA and has drained her account beyond dry (overdrawn every month despite the hefty retirement income that posts every month, safety deposit box raided, etc). I visit from Virginia every year, he never visits or sends gifts or cards (and neither do my siblings). Nothing I can do about it and I had to learn to let it go and just be sure that I do the right thing by her with birthdays, mothers day and Christmas, even though she has no idea who I am anymore.
I hope you do turn over every stone before this action happens and I pray that you get the POA. It seems that since she has not declared a POA that if you are willing to do it for her AND you are her daughter that the right should be automatic. How frustrating.

 

[JamesMom]

.....as I too live in Texas. It is quite ironic to see how (back then) your four 1/2 brothers and sisters lived, behaved and treated each other (and you & your Mother) versus now - as they have literally vanished off the radar screen. - Quite sad but not too untypical of adult children of parents who are slowly aging.

P.S. for a wonderful writeup in the DMS about this very topic:

www.dallasnew.com/sharedcontent/dws/spe/2006/4949swiss/dayfour.html

.

thanks for the comment. I checked out the DMS story - sad indeeed.

My mother is not a very nice person. The half-brothers and -sisters have been abdoned to my grandmother when their care interferred with her dating or social life. I am the youngest and my father's only child. I was not even aware of 2 of my siblings(and my mothers 2nd marriage that produced them) until after my dad died when I was 15. Strange family, indeed.
I am the only child she raised uninterrupted from birth to high school graduation, begrudgingly I might add.
I am a Christian and the fact that my father died for the money she has [law suit settlement - wrongful cop death] are the reasons I even care. My mother and I have been estranged for the past four years because of disagreements over her care - I persisted and she slammed the door, figurately and literately, in my face. My husband and children did not need her disruptive influence in their lives. Thus, the option of her living with me and my family is moot- cannot happen.

To the other poster who commeted about the 2 physican thing - yes that is enough for me to make medical decisions for her, i.e., arrange doctors appoints, grant consent for surgeries, etc. BUT denies me access to finanical instruments and while i can get her into a nursing home SHE has the power to WALK OUT at anytime against medical advice and SHE has to sign the check for payment. The former she WILL do and the later she probably WON'T.


My Aunt (her sister, 74 who lives 9 hrs away and is the only other family member who gives two hoots) will drive up here on Sunday and we will make one final appeal to get access to her checking account. If I can write the check for payment, we might succeed in getting her placed in long term care and essential lie to her to keep there there (rehab, tests, etc.) since she will not remember the converstation the next day. If we are unsucessful, then the rehab center is required to call Adult Protective Services at which time everything will be out of our hands. At least until a kind judge grants me guardianship without the benefit of a bond.

Four years ago when i first inquired to her famiily physican of 20 years about potential guardianship, the doctor boldly told me that is it not illegal to go home and kill yourself - which is essentially what my mother truly wants. Texas assumes compentency unless dramatically proven otherwise. To file for guardianship (if I could get the bond), the motion would sit on a desk for 45 days before the file would be even cracked open. Read the article the previous poster gave: the court said the woman could go home despite a debilitating stroke.

Sign- thanks for listening. At least it will be all over soon.....one way or the other.

 

[RumpleMom]

You need to find an attorney who specializes in legal matters for the elderly. I don't know anything about Texas, but have been seeking information in PA.

Here's where I started

elderadvice.com 1-800-890-7192

Do a Google search for elder care attorneys in your area.

1-800-838-3726 for veterans

I have found out that an elder care attorney has an additional certification.

National Elder Law Foundation 520-881-1076 .nelf.org

Best wishes

 

[JamesMom]

You need to find an attorney who specializes in legal matters for the elderly. I don't know anything about Texas, but have been seeking information in PA.

Here's where I started

elderadvice.com 1-800-890-7192

Do a Google search for elder care attorneys in your area.

1-800-838-3726 for veterans

I have found out that an elder care attorney has an additional certification.

National Elder Law Foundation 520-881-1076 .nelf.org

Best wishes

God Bless you --

I have contacted
- 1 elderly attorney (recommended by rehab and can only help protect her from a bad nursing home situation -not from herself)
- 2 probate attorneys specializing in guardianship issues
- 2 probate court guardianship clerks
- 4 nursing homes
- 5 social workers (hospital and nursing home)
- 2 APS workers
- 1 geriatric counselor
- 1 county Mental Health and Retardation office
- 2 bondsman
- 1 professional guardianship office
- 1 insurance company
- 1 bank
- 2 psychologists
- 1 family physican
- 2 nuerosurgeons
- countless nurses

Oh and my aunt contacts an additional elderly attorney, social worker and nursing home where she lives. and didn't count the speech, OT, PT and other therapists she has had in rehab.

I think I about covered it

 

[NiniMorris]

Soooo so sorry. Wish I had words of wisdom or advice to give, but I have none. It seems you have covered all the bases and still no help to be seem.

My situation is similar but different. My person is only 8. He is not my biological son, but we were planning on adopting prior to his accident. Now adopting is out of the question (bio parents won't sign because there was an insurance settlement!) We had to set up a conservatorship for his money and care since he will never be able to take care of himself (severe brain injury). My real fears aren't for the here and now, it is for after my husband and I are gone. I've got a recurring nightmare that bio parents come back into the picture. Once he turns 18 it will become harder to keep them from getting his money. Hence the reason for the conservatorship. We have permanent custody of him until he turns 18, at that time we have to prove him unable to make his own decisions ( I can't seem to make myself use the legal term...he is my baby!)

Prior to the accident, my mother had made the necessary legal steps to make sure things were taken care of when she could no longer make her own decisions. we thought it would be altheimers that took her away from us, but it was the accident instead. (and yes my siblings, who never visited or called in the three years she lived with us, complained that they weren't getting their 'share' of a nonexistent estate!)

I know your heart is heavy. There are no answers to your situation, only a warning to others to plan for the worst, and hope you never need those plans!

You are in my prayers.

Nini

 

[crisi]

I am sorry for this as well. Thank you for posting, it will motivate me to make sure my parents and mother-in-law have proper paperwork in place. Best wishes and keep your chin up through this.

I sometimes think that people who had difficult relationships with their parents have more guilt and issues during these final years as they make one last ditch effort to "fix it." Take care of yourself and don't carry your mother's issues. Perhaps making her a ward of the state will be the best thing in terms of letting her go.

 

[tiggertabi]

Oh how well I can understand this situation. My family went through a very similar situation with my grandmother. It might work out for the best - we had to also go to a social services step, but when it got to that step, the state gave us the option of taking over care for ourselves (saves them money) or putting her in their home. We wanted to do it ourselves, she just wouldn't sign papers to allow it, so we obviously took it. She's been in a nursing home for close to 4 years now, she has no idea who any of us are, and she never knew my children, which is difficult, but at least we know she's being taken care of well. Lots of luck to you and your family.

 

[micheleq]

No real advice, just hugs and prayers.

 

[JamesMom]

UPDATE...

Thanks be to God!

My Aunt (her sister) who lives 9 hours away came up on sunday and yesterday/today we have tried to help my mom and today we have success!!

1) My Aunt has been added to my Mom's checking account so my aunt can write the checks to pay for her care. My Aunt hopes to add me as well ( didn't want to push it) since I live so close (30 minutes away)

2) My Mom signed the claim form so we can utilize her Long Term Care benefits to be deposited in checking account above...

3) We found a Dementia/alzheimer care facility that will take her and my mom SIGNED the paperwork to be admitted. She moves tomorrow!!

Yeah! Prayers have been answered and so many wonderful people helped us along the way. It doesn't solve all our problems but it does keep her safe (most important) and she retain some control over her circumstances instead of the government. Praise!!

thanks for all your kind words.

 

[kevschickee]

UPDATE...

Thanks be to God!

My Aunt (her sister) who lives 9 hours away came up on sunday and yesterday/today we have tried to help my mom and today we have success!!

1) My Aunt has been added to my Mom's checking account so my aunt can write the checks to pay for her care. My Aunt hopes to add me as well ( didn't want to push it) since I live so close (30 minutes away)

2) My Mom signed the claim form so we can utilize her Long Term Care benefits to be deposited in checking account above...

3) We found a Dementia/alzheimer care facility that will take her and my mom SIGNED the paperwork to be admitted. She moves tomorrow!!

Yeah! Prayers have been answered and so many wonderful people helped us along the way. It doesn't solve all our problems but it does keep her safe (most important) and she retain some control over her circumstances instead of the government. Praise!!

thanks for all your kind words.

Oh thank god!!! I am so happy for you guys. My grandmother had alzheimers and it was awful. She lived with us and we had hospice care for her. Alzeimers is a terrible disease please take all of the help that is out there. Good luck with everything. I hope your mom enjoys her new home