My Not So Dear DIL

[makaylee]

Originally posted by Kallison
I'm just wondering for everyone who wouldn't move for "nothing", how would you plan on supporting your family? What if that is the only job prospect in your career. Do you stay near family and live on what?? Maybe his job isn't the type where he can find a job offer on every corner. You have to think about the good and financial being of your immediate family also, which is your spouse and kids.

You are exactly right. All the people who are saying "family is more important than a job", if he doesnt have a job how is he going to feed and shelter this family?

 

[momof2inPA]

Why not a compromise? Hour away from parents, hour commute.

 

[dvcgirl]

I'm on the "two hours isn't a big deal side". Your DIL needs to suck it up and visit her parents on the weekend. I could understand her side more if she was working full-time and one of her parents was babysitting, but that doesn't seem like the case.

And I do think that you move two hours away for a really good job. And it sounds like it's imperative for him to start working...oh well, hope it works out for them!

 

[snoopy]

I'm just wondering for everyone who wouldn't move for "nothing", how would you plan on supporting your family? What if that is the only job prospect in your career. Do you stay near family and live on what?? Maybe his job isn't the type where he can find a job offer on every corner. You have to think about the good and financial being of your immediate family also, which is your spouse and kids.

If it were between feeding my family and providing a roof over our head, then the obvious answer would be to move, regardless of how far it is away from family.

However, I would definately make sacrifices in order to stay closer to family. To me and thankfully my husband feels the same way, there are some things money can't buy. A close relationship with our family is one of them.

 

[caitycaity]

sorry, but i resent the implication being made by several posters here that you can't have a close relationship with your family if you live 2 hours away from them.

 

[Pembo]

We moved an hour away from my parents. I thought it would be no big deal! I hated it! For the first 6 months I had a constant pain in my neck that miraculously went away everytime I went "home".

We moved back just last summer. I'm so glad we did.

Some people can handle the distance, I hated it! Sorry but I have to side with the dil on this one.

 

[snoopy]

sorry, but i resent the implication being made by several posters here that you can't have a close relationship with your family if you live 2 hours away from them.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm not implicating any such thing. I'm merely commenting on what works for MY family.

 

[luvwinnie]

I wouldn't move that far either, esp with my mother's health the way it is.

 

[piglet too]

I always thought that it would not really matter how far away from my parents we lived. I knew that we would talk often and see each other as much as possible. With all the health problems I have been having lately though, I am glad to only be 15 minutes from my parents. We are close to three hours from my in-laws, and see then when we can, since I work Saturday nights, it is hard. But my husband and the kids talk to them every weekend, sometimes more than once. I hope that your son and his wife can come to a compromise on this.

 

[nuke]

sorry, but i resent the implication being made by several posters here that you can't have a close relationship with your family if you live 2 hours away from them.

I haven't inferred that from any posters. In fact I've read several replies on this thread where people said they are very close with their families and live well over 2 hours away from them.

This is a personal decision that needs to made by the husband and wife. If the wife is very uncomfortable living away from her parents then she is not going to be happy. How is that healthy for a relationship?

I lived across the country from my parents for 5 years. I moved back and then had my son. I couldn't imagine living far away now. Two hours isn't far for some but is very far away for others.

 

[gina2000]

I think this is a really, really tough call. I've been lucky enough to have lived very close to my parents for my entire married life. I was there when my mom needed help when my dad was terribly ill and subsequently passed away. My dad, for the short period of time that my son was around while he was alive, got the joy and pleasure of seeing him every single day. I thank my lucky stars every single day that I was able to give my dad and our son that.

The reality of life, though, is that in a tough job market you need to make choices....hard choices. In order of priority, I think your immediate family must come first and if that means moving, then so be it. And it breaks my heart to say that.

When we are young, I think living far away from our roots is a wonderful thing. It gives one the chance to make choices, learn different things and enjoy one's life as one sees fit. As we age, I believe family plays a much more important role in our lives.

Good luck to your son and his wife, Marla. These choices are not easy ones. Try to support them both in whatever they decide. They need that more than anything.

 

[marlasmom]

He commuted about 3 or 4 hours a day into Boston traffic and it was very hard on him. He works long hours. However he has been out of work for a long time. They can't support a $300 house, luxury cars, interminable lessons for the children (art,l gymnastics, dance, music, swimming, tennis) skiing, plays, and the list is endless on $50,000 a year. I understand the desire to be close to your family (my mother died when I was 13) but I also believe there is something in the marriage vows that say something about cleaving onto one another. He is going through the profit on the house very fast (no income - storage costs, insurance, medical, etc.) and I am worried. I send what $ I can, but we are retired and on a fixed income (and the market is tanking again). She could easily get a job, but won't. "It's not good for the children." I am so hoping he gets the offer today and takes it. OTH he is also interviewing for a great job in NJ next week. That should be fun.

 

[dandave]

When DH decided he wanted to change careers, it meant moving here- 11 to 12 hours from family! I'll admit that I was so angry that he was even asking me to do that. Part of the anger was, honestly, because I was frightened of selling my home and moving to a place I knew nothing about. I was a nervous wreck. My children were in tears, because they didn't want to move, either. I knew, however, that DH was sick of his job and miserable. So, here we are in FL.
DH is a much happier person, because he now loves his job. We have never gotten along better, and the children love their new school.
All of us agree that it stinks being so far from family, but we talk on the phone almost daily and still get to visit. It just takes more planning. I'll never forget how depressed and scared I was at the prospect of moving, though.
Maybe your DIL is a little bit frightened, too. I hope all works out well for everyone involved!

 

[tc]

I am having a hard time understanding the term family here. My family is my husband and kids, then my parents and siblings. Put family first, is my motto. Meaning put my husband and kids first. IMHO, your DIL is not putting her husband and kids first. Either by refusing to work or refusing to move.

I live in Colorado, my parents are in Indiana with one sister, one sister and brother are in Kentucky and one sister is on Missouri. No one is even remotely close to 2 hours away. My daughter will be living in Kansas (8 hours from me) because it is far cheaper to live there, and that's where she and her fiance have jobs. I will miss her, but I understand she needs to make decisions based on what's best for her family, namely her and Matt. I would relish the chance to live only 2 hours away from her.

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by tc
I am having a hard time understanding the term family here. My family is my husband and kids, then my parents and siblings. Put family first, is my motto. Meaning put my husband and kids first. IMHO, your DIL is not putting her husband and kids first. Either by refusing to work or refusing to move.

I agree completely....#1 in my life is my DH, then kids. Parents and siblings are loved but being "x" # of hours away from them has no bearing on my life. I find that women who are too dependant on their mothers simply haven't matured, or their mothers haven't let them really "leave the nest".

 

[CookieGVB]

Originally posted by Blondie
Today, two hours really isn't all that far. Some people commute that far one way for their jobs!

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by ScarlettO
I find that women who are too dependant on their mothers simply haven't matured, or their mothers haven't let them really "leave the nest".

I'm sorry - but thank god someone said it! I totally agree! (And to say that - I don't mean to be directly insulting anyone here on this board...there...that's my disclaimer.)

marlasmom - I know you got alot of differing opinions here - but I'd be really curious to see how this turns out...please keep us updated if you wish!

 

[WilmaBud]

I think people need to respect that different people have different value systems. My "family" includes my extended family, and for that, I feel blessed.

It's ironic someone should feel insulted that people are "implying" that you can't be close to your family when you live far away. I haven't seen anyone saying that in this thread. What I have seen is a lot of condescension and harsh judgement towards those who chose to make sacrifices to live close to family. For example, we're "kooky," "immature," "oddly close," etc. It's very insulting.

I'm glad that those who live far from their extended families are content with their decisions. I'm just as content with my decision to live near my family. It's what's best for my family, and I don't see why anyone would try to make judgements about my (or anyone else's) personality or maturity level based on it.

Why do people have to assert that their way is the only right way of thinking? It's totally disrespectful.

 

[Mimi Q]

Two hours would be an eternity for me. Born and raised in the small town we live in now. Extremely close to my family of 23. We all eat lunch together every Sunday after church. All go on vacation together every other summer. I feel lucky to be part of a great family, and I can't imagine ever moving. My husband was fully aware of that when we got married. I told him when we got engaged to never expect me to leave my hometown. His family lives here also, and we see them all at least once a week as well.

 

[CamColt]

Originally posted by WilmaBud
I think people need to respect that different people have different value systems.

Why do people have to assert that their way is the only right way of thinking? It's totally disrespectful.

Well said!