My Mom is dying and my sister a control freak.

[Grumpy's Gal]

The only thing I can think of on your sister's behalf is how I sometimes feel here. My one sister and I are the only ones in town. We, mostly me, do everything for Mom from running her to her various doctors to ordering and filling her med containers, taking out trash, handling bills, paperwork, etc. I am very lucky to have good and kind brothers and sisters yet every so often I do feel a little resentful because they will show up every so often and do something "fun" like going out to eat. It feels like I'm doing the lion's share of the work (which they all graciously acknowledge) but they breeze in and out of town to do something fun. I know that's important too and I would never want to impinge on their time but every so often I do send an email to all telling which appts. are upcoming and ask who can take which simply because I'm overwhelmed sometimes.

not to hijack the thread but I am an "out of town sister". My sister is taking care of our mom when the need arises, which is rarely at this point, because she lives a few blocks away. What can out of town siblings do for in town siblings to lessen the burdensome feelings? Please share with us if you know and we will all be grateful for your wisdom. If the slightest thing happens, my sister calls me and reminds me of it for weeks. Even when I tell her I'll do whatever I can to help and ask if she needs me to come, she says "no. it's too late now." There is NO WAY I can move closer at this time. If she needs to take my mom for a simple dr appt, she mentions it often!

 

[Buckalew11]

Shortbun, I hope things are going better for your family. I missed this the first time around. With Mother's day on Sunday, this must be hard no matter where y'all are on this journey. Hugs to you.

Peopel are right on this thread. Your sister is controling only what she can. And, as a caregiver, she is exhausted, I'm sure. I've done it before for my grandmother and was with my grandfather when he passed from cancer and also my dad. Often, when a loved one is dying, the caregivers will seemingly try to shut others out. I'm not sure why? Maybe they don't want people to see them like that or they want to meet that person's needs so they can know they did all they could to care for that person--maybe even afraid to leave them with someone else in case something (even death) might happen while they are gone.

I am sorry she is not handling this better and that her actions/words will make all of this harder for you. Death is hard enough w/o all this but I swear, I think the stress that surrounds a sick and dying loved one makes people act/do/say crazy and hurtful things.

I hope you are doing OK and can check in soon.

 

[megthewonderful]

From what I have seen of other's parent's dying, it brings out the worst in people. It is just so much tension and stress. My guess is that your sister can't cope with it and is taking it out on you. This isn't fair to you, nor does it make you want to help, but it sounds like she doesn't know how to deal any other way.

So sorry.

Dawn

My dad spent 3 weeks in the Cardiac ICU last Spring and was not expected to make it. After two months in the hospital, he was finally able to go home. He was fragile and weak and needed a lot of help. My mom was working to ensure they continued having medical insurance. My sister and I both live far from my parents, but since she works and I am a SAHM, she thought I should be the one to go and help them out for the summer. So, I took my kids along with me and stayed for an extended visit. My sister was never there, but still found endless things to criticize me on. We are barely speaking now and my mom keeps telling me that she thinks my sister is taking out all her stress concerning the situation on me. It has definitely brought out the worst in her and it hard for me to even think about the situation. While my dad is not in the best health, he is still working every day to remain healthy and active in all of our lives. I wish my sister could see that and be grateful for the time I spend helping him last summer. The bottom line is that people deal with situations in different ways. Some people's actions make things harder than they need to be.

I hope everything is going as well as can be expected and that you can let us know soon how you are doing.

 

[diznygirl]

My dad spent 3 weeks in the Cardiac ICU last Spring and was not expected to make it. After two months in the hospital, he was finally able to go home. He was fragile and weak and needed a lot of help. My mom was working to ensure they continued having medical insurance. My sister and I both live far from my parents, but since she works and I am a SAHM, she thought I should be the one to go and help them out for the summer. So, I took my kids along with me and stayed for an extended visit. My sister was never there, but still found endless things to criticize me on. We are barely speaking now and my mom keeps telling me that she thinks my sister is taking out all her stress concerning the situation on me. It has definitely brought out the worst in her and it hard for me to even think about the situation. While my dad is not in the best health, he is still working every day to remain healthy and active in all of our lives. I wish my sister could see that and be grateful for the time I spend helping him last summer. The bottom line is that people deal with situations in different ways. Some people's actions make things harder than they need to be.

I hope everything is going as well as can be expected and that you can let us know soon how you are doing.

We did that as well - stayed for an extended visit with my MIL to help care for FIL who was dying of cancer. DH was out of work at the time, which turned out to be a blessing. We did not live close, and my son was just about two, but we did it because it needed to be done. His sister lived right down the street and had no children, but she refused to do it alone. And then she proceeded to criticize what we were doing and complain about any money that was spent.

She's just lucky we speak to her at all now.

 

[dumboiu]

Your sister is no doubt being a control freak with you because she has no control over losing your mom - the one thing she wishes she could control. It is the worst feeling in the world to lose someone you love.

I am so sorry for your family. I just lost my dear mother last summer. As an only child, the entire care taking fell on me. I wouldn't have it any other way, but honestly, it was beyond painful. I miss her so much each and every day. In fact, DH and I just had a cry just a moment ago as we miss her so much. It will be our first Mother's Day without her.

Go easy on your sister, but also stand your ground and do what is right for you too. It is not an easy situation for any of you - and it is one I know you don't want to be faced with.

Take care and

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm sorry about your mom, shortbun and what you are going through with your sister. I think the situation might be somewhat remedied by hospice, hopefully that will start soon.

You are in a bad spot. Your sister is calling the shots. While you appreciate what she is doing for your mom, she isn't treating you very well. IMO, it sounds like she is underwhelmed by you, to put it lightly. Has your relationship always been like this and it's magnified now, or is it a new development? I think this is may be key in how you approach the situation.

If you think you could, it would be nice if you could have an open conversation with your sister. Ask her what would she do if she were you. If she says something outlandish (not seeing your mom), ask her would she accept doing that herself? Why should you? Or on the flip side, she may actually offer a way you could be helpful that she can accept. She should see you as a sister, not as an outsider or intruder. It's hurtful.

I'm glad you are seeking therapy. I'm sure it will shed light on how to handle the situation. It sounds like your sister needs it more (from the little bit you posted). She needs to accept help and learn ways to cope without lashing out at you.

It's awful to go through all that with your sister and to be losing your mom too.

 

[DebbieB]

It's a difficult time. In my family, it was kind of the opposite. I was the caregiver and resented the fact that my one brother paid little attention to my mom while she was dying. On the day she died, she went into a coma overnight. I called my younger brother, who did spend alot of time with her and he came over during the night. He and I had taken her for all her doctor and hospital treatments, my other brother would never help, even when he lived with us! I called my other brother in the morning at work and told him it could be anytime. He said he would come after work! I said she may not make it until then. Finally he showed up around 1:00pm. She died around 3:00pm. I still hold resentment. He said he couldn't take her for doctors appts or treatments because he has a phobia about germs and hospitals. She had treatment at a woman's hospital! Childbirth and women's problems is all they do! About a year after, he had a friend who had some kind of complications from cosmetic surgery, he went to visit her at the same hospital! I had all to do not to explode.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[tinah159]

This is so sad, I am sorry you are going through this with your family.

What I don't get is how it is that your sister is being allowed to put herself between you and your mother. Your sister may mean well but she has no right to put herself between a Mother and her child, no-one does, not even another of her children. That said I think some boundaries need to be set, and maybe you do need to talk to your Mom since your sister's behavior is interfering with your Mom's choices. After all, if your Mom doesn't know your sister is preventing your DS from visiting she may feel your DS isn't interested, and that must be hurtful IMO.

Your sister must give you the opportunity to resolve the impending loss between you and your Mom without her interference, not only for your sake but for your Mom's as well. After all your Mom has her own will and desires that should trump absolutely everyone else around her.

I hope this will work out for you

I agree with the above post completely. I lost my dad last month after him being in the hospital for 1 month. My oldest sister had a very difficult time and was quite vocal to everyone, including my mother. I tried to be patient with her but we refused to let her dominate the last days of his life. My dad wanted all of his family around him at the end. Your situation seems similar to mine. Please try to help your sister cope but remember, your concern is your mothers wishes. It might be best to speak to your mother about the situation.
I am sorry about your moms illness.